Need some help with communication

[SummerStorm]

My pwBPD has reached a point where she would like to spend time with me again (it's been a long, hard road over the past seven months, and we haven't even seen each other since last June). 

First and foremost, we were best friends.  Then, we had a very brief sexual relationship.  She had a suicide attempt in June and was formally diagnosed with BPD.  Knowing what I know about BPD and about her, I just can't pursue a romantic relationship with her.  However, I wouldn't mind seeing her every once in a while and being friends, as good of friends as someone can be with a pwBPD.  She actually is fun to be around, and we actually have some things in common that have nothing to do with her mirroring my interests. 

My concern is that she will attempt to start a romantic relationship with me.  I will then need to put an end to that and set boundaries without triggering abandonment fears.  Any ideas on what I could say in this situation?  I was thinking using SET could maybe work, but I've never used it with her, so I don't know how receptive she is to it. 

[Mutt]

Hi SummerStorm,

I would feel the same way. You've had the chance to talk. Have you seen each other? Did you want to get prepped with SET before you see her?

[SummerStorm]

Hi SummerStorm,

I would feel the same way. You've had the chance to talk. Have you seen each other? Did you want to get prepped with SET before you see her?

Mutt,

We have not seen each other yet.  She is in a very bad place right now, and as sad as this sounds, I just want to see her in case she attempts suicide again.  We texted for two hours last Wednesday night, and after two days of no communication, she sent me a few pictures (all related to cats) on Saturday.  My mom was visiting, so I only had time to send her a brief reply.  We exchanged a few texts Sunday afternoon, but we haven't communicated since.  I sent her a text yesterday, but she didn't reply.  I do know that she was out drinking on Sunday night and ended up getting very drunk.  Right now, I'm trying to just stay in a good middle space, where I'm not texting her all of the time and also not getting mad when she doesn't reply.  Yesterday's text was about how crazy my job is right now.  She used to work there, and it may have brought back bad memories when I mentioned it, so that may be why she didn't reply.  Generally speaking, she replies to about 90% of my texts, usually right away. 

There is the chance that we could hang out and she wouldn't try anything, but there is also the chance that she might.  Even if sex was out of the picture, I am also afraid she would come over to my house and want to spend the night, just to have someone to sleep next to.  Also, her apartment is apparently awful and probably not very well heated, whereas my house is clean and spacious and warm.  Before, when I lived with my parents, it was easy to say "no" because they made the rules.  But now, I own my own house, and there really isn't a great reason why she couldn't spend the night if I didn't work the next day.  So, I suppose I'm looking for something, other than just "no," which may set her off, to say to her if that occurs. 

[Mutt]

I would feel worried too. She drank heavily, her place is a mess, she's suicidal, it sounds like she's really feeling down. She probably feels like no one understands her. Was she shy on the phone, did she ask you about work or was it to start a conversation? I understand not wanting to have sex after what had happened but she probably feels a lot of shame and guilt at the moment. Where is she, what is she up to?

[SummerStorm]

I would feel worried too. She drank heavily, her place is a mess, she's suicidal, it sounds like she's really feeling down. She probably feels like no one understands her. Was she shy on the phone, did she ask you about work or was it to start a conversation? I understand not wanting to have sex after what had happened but she probably feels a lot of shame and guilt at the moment. Where is she, what is she up to?

She is just a mess right now, honestly.  Her defense mechanisms are up big time.  After spending the end of 2014 and beginning of 2015 drug-free and relatively stable, she started smoking pot again, attempted suicide, got a job at a convenience store, broke up with her boyfriend of six months and then robbed him a month later, moved to a run-down apartment, and has been through at least three guys since then.  Her mom visited a month ago, and my BPD friend told her that she doesn't care if she dies (her mom is very ill and is having an angioplasty on Tuesday).  I know that is probably tied to fear of abandonment, but I just can't imagine saying something like that to one of my parents.  

She's hiding all of this from me because she knows I don't approve of her drug use and excessive drinking.  She openly tells her mom what she is doing, and her mom obviously disapproves.  Mom has completely cut her off financially.  

Unfortunately, most of her co-workers are also into drugs and drinking, so she has been easily pulled back into all of that.  I checked out her one friend's Instagram page, and it's just picture after picture of marijuana, people getting high, etc.  And I know my BPD friend is doing all of that as well.    

On the day I texted her, one of my co-workers resigned, and it was a huge deal.  Also, everyone is very hyped up (not in a good way) about plans to change the library into a cafe and media center.  Meanwhile, a graduate of the school, who was one of the top wrestlers in the country, recently decided to just quit wrestling.  So, things have been crazy.  I just texted her to tell her that it's been crazy.

She has an interview coming up for a store manager position, and I'm kind of hoping she doesn't get it because she honestly doesn't deserve it.  I know that's a terrible thing to say, but it's true.                                

[Mutt]

SummerStorm,


That's sad to hear that she's falling into the wrong crowd for such a brilliant woman. SET is a good communication tool to validate her feelings first. You can learn the tools on the Staying Board. I would advise to set the boundary on you ( non-romantic, platonic ) and use SET to make the communication smoother if she's emotionally upset. What do you think?

[SummerStorm]

SummerStorm,


That's sad to hear that she's falling into the wrong crowd for such a brilliant woman. SET is a good communication tool to validate her feelings first. You can learn the tools on the Staying Board. I would advise to set the boundary on you ( non-romantic, platonic ) and use SET to make the communication smoother if she's emotionally upset. What do you think?

Today was a tough day.  I received an e-mail from her mom today, telling me that my pwBPD had called her a "c__t," and a "f___tard" and then blocked her number and blocked her on Facebook.  This was in response to her mom telling that she shouldn't be posting things about drugs on her Facebook page (she has a job interview coming up soon).  My pwBPD replied to a text from me at some point this morning, thanking me for telling her to stay safe in the snowstorm that's coming.  I'm not sure if it was before or after she blocked her mom. 

I'm really at a crossroads now because drug use and disrespecting one's parents are two things I am vehemently opposed to.  That's why I'm staying in Undecided and not moving to Staying yet.

There's just so much about her recent behavior that reminds me of last June, when she tried to commit suicide.

[Mutt]

SummerStorm,

I'm sorry I didn't get to this earlier. I understand that you have your boundaries. A pwBPD need a lot of validation. You told her to take care in the snow storm and the difference us in the delivery with you say things.

She's going through a difficult period and she feels a lot of shame. Her response to her mom was because she shamed. You're trying to learn the tools to communicate with her. I understand that it's hard watching someone you care about go through this.

[SummerStorm]

SummerStorm,

I'm sorry I didn't get to this earlier. I understand that you have your boundaries. A pwBPD need a lot of validation. You told her to take care in the snow storm and the difference us in the delivery with you say things.

She's going through a difficult period and she feels a lot of shame. Her response to her mom was because she shamed. You're trying to learn the tools to communicate with her. I understand that it's hard watching someone you care about go through this.

Mutt,

It's ok.  I have been digging myself out of the snow and haven't had time to check the boards. 

I know about BPD and understand that she can easily split someone black and not act like anything happened, but it's just so hard to see her do this to her mom.  Her mom lives across the country and is having surgery this week.  Things between them have been really tense for the past month or so, exacerbated by her tough financial and living situation.

Things have been pretty good.  She's been replying to almost all of my texts, sometimes within seconds.  I've gotten to a point where I know when to step back.