Did you keep the gifts they gave you?

[wishfulthinking]

I know my current mindset is very wounded and it's only been a week since I made him leave, he contacted me last 2 days ago, which ended in contacting the police.

BUT, at the moment, my wounds prevent me from wearing the sweater he got me for Christmas, the ring for my birthday, the earrings and necklace from Christmas the past 2 years.  We were married 2.5 years, together 3 (stupid, but I got caught in the whirlwind), and by the end, he was an entirely different person who was doing drugs, not working, lying, and causing emotional and physical injury to me. 

I can't even look at those things right now, let alone wear them.  Do I get rid of them?  He already smashed my wedding ring about a month ago in a rage.  Don't have to worry about that.

What have you done and how were your feelings at the time?  I feel so alone.

[once removed]

hey wishfulthinking 

im sorry to hear youre hurting. it does sound like things are still very raw.

personally, i put all relationship memorabilia in a box and put it away. personal belongings she left here, i ended up trashing. a few gifts that i didnt have too strong an association with i used or kept out, decorative type stuff. plenty of people dispose of it all, there isnt a right or wrong answer. what do you think would be best for you?

[Rmbrworst]

I gave him the Christmas gifts back.  Didn't want constant reminders of him around the house.

[wishfulthinking]

Well,

The sweater reminds me of the $350 he got paid in the past 3 months that he was supposed to help with Christmas gifts, but didn't except for $10.  The sweater I only got because he found some tubes of caulk he took back to Walmart and was able to get it for me.  I'm pretty sure he used the $340 for his drug habit.

The jewelry was from a good time that he actually did work and wasn't a total jerk, so I don't have bitter memories of those, but they hurt to think about right now.  The ring was an anniversary/birthday present as it was expensive and those dates are close together, but he ruined every one of my birthdays while I was with him.  They ended up being about him and how he felt and the last one we celebrated together was even telling me how I chose a crappy restaurant and trying to jump out of the car on the highway on the way home.  Then, him pushing me around in the front yard after we got home.  All because the gift he ordered didn't make it there for "the big day".  Which I told him OVER AND OVER it didn't matter, that I was just so happy to be celebrating it with him, because I'm not a gift demanding kind of person, just tell me happy b-day and I'm fine.  My very last one, we weren't together because of his drug use, but we briefly reconciled for a bit until last week. 

So, I have so many emotions that I'm torn about right now.  I suspect he will pawn anything of value I ever gave him, as it won't be the first time.

[Penelope35]

Don't worry about these things right now wishfulthinking. Put everything in a box and somewhere out of sight and you will decide what you want to do with them later on. This is what I did. I also put all of his pictures on my computer in one file. I didn't want to feel they were everywhere.  And when I am ready I will just press the delete button once!

Take care of yourself

[Anez]

She got me a book about my favorite band for my birthday in july. I introduced her to the band last year and their songs helped her through some tough times. so it was a very nice gift.

Last week I wrote a goodbye note to her in the book, walked outside and threw it in the dumpster.

[abq1980]

Hi WT, I am a little over a year out of the relationship and I have decided to keep most things that were given to me by her or things that reminded me of her (i.e. photos, etc).  I no longer display those items openly, but I think it is healthy to have some laying around if I choose to look at them.  Right now, any expensive item is in a safe deposit box, that way when I want to see it or sell it I can in the future.  I am not ready to make a decision to permanently part with my ring or hers (she gave it back).

I have a different approach than many of the members on this board.  I like looking at the gifts and photos of my ex wife and I actually think it has helped me grieve the relationship.  She can be a great person, she justs suffers from a horrible disease.  I guess the photos and other mementos help remind me of the good times, and I think I will always remember those moments.  My exwife is an important part of my past and erasing pictures or throwing away items will not change anything for me. 

[Confused?]

I kept one thing. It was a picture book she made for me for our anniversary. I put it away and don't look at it. Everything else I threw out including things I got her that she left at my house.

[UserName69]

She didn't give me a lot of gifts but I gave her everything back. The way I have experienced this is very positive because at the time when things ended I was very angry. Whenever I saw the gifts I got even more angry. So I figured out the best thing to do is to give them back to her which I did.

[troisette]

It might be premature to make a decision right now. His gifts are part of your history and it might be a good idea to put them away for a good while, and when emotions are not so high, decide whether you want to keep them.

You might want to throw them away in a symbolic act, sell them or, once the emotions have diminished, you might value them as part of your life's history.

Now is probably not the best time to decide. 

[Lonely_Astro]

J bought me several gifts.  I still have them and I plan to keep them.  They are painful to look at right now but I know if I throw them away I'll later regret it.  It wasn't always good between us, but at some moment during our time together J did love me.  Those few momento's and good memories are all I have left of what "could've been".  It's sad to say it like that, but it's true.

[Learning Fast]

I have everything that she gave me boxed and archived at work.  Our relationship (although challenging liked many others who have posted on this site) was never that terribly nasty and had many moments that were very enjoyable.  I have accepted that she did love and care about me and us to the best of her abilities.

Not surprisingly she has discarded all of what I gave to her (and I did give her some very nicely personalized items).  I was initially upset but in learning more about the disorder I came to realize this was the norm.

This next part is truly unbelievable---the one thing she did keep (and I know this to be true as she has sent me photos of it) was a cocktail napkin where I had drawn a picture of her depicting specifics of her "false self" (the image she was trying to project to the outside world) and how I so wanted to get to know the "real her" behind the false self.  This was the closest we ever came to discussing her insecurities, fears and lack of self-image.  She carries this with her all the time.  [/b