Realizing my mom has BPD

[Savi]

My mom and I have always had a tumultuous relationship, I am 45 she is 68. For the past 13 years I have decided to walk that fine line, putting aside how I feel and letting her believe our relationship is more than it is. I have done it so my kids can know their grandma and to keep the peace.

Things got out of control at Thanksgiving when I didn't react the way she wanted me to and she feel apart. She made a scene in a restaurant and bruised and bloodied her arms. She begged my step dad to take her home- the live two states away and let immediately with no good byes or closure. I was left with the task of trying help my kids understand what had just happened to grandma. While the event was shocking, I was not really all that surprised. I have spent my life living on the rollercoaster that is being my mothers daughter.

I have come to the place where I know that my mother will never seek help because she believes that the problem lies with everyone else. I am ready to move on without a relationship with her. I am actually ok with never seeing her again. I have been so exhausted from being in this relationship with her and now I just feel done. I guess my question is this, now what? 45 years is a long time. Now I have a basic understanding of what living with her did to me, I want to work on moving forward providing meaningful change for myself and creating a peaceful loving environment for my family. Suggestions for moving ahead without a parent? Its harder to do than just saying it.

[Turkish]

That's indeed shocking for her do dysregulate into self-harm publicly, and in front of your kids. If you feel comfortable, can you detail what happened? You mention 13 years...   was there a life-changing event for her back then (or for you), or is there a longer history here?

[happykiwi]

I"m sorry you are going through this.  I am 45 and when my Mother came to stay for 2 weeks last year after we relocated to other side of country it was like the rose coloured glasses were removed and I realised I could not tolerate or have her toxic and negative presence in my life.  She left and I went NC after googling "why do I hate my Mother?" and finding this fabulous site and realising how incredibly similar all our stories are.  I can not tell you the joyous xmas that has just passed with not having to deal with her sh*tty ways and drama and lies.  Initially i blocked her on my phone and knowing that when it rang I wouldn't see the dreaded word 'Mum' was joy in itself.

I wrote her a letter (that I will never send) and every now and then I read it to remind myself why I am NC.  She sent a xmas packaged via registered mail and I sent it back as return to sender. 

I will never yell at my Mother as she is broken and will not be fixed in this lifetime.  But I respect myself and my children too much to let that drama back into our lives.  I feel much peace now.  I went through a grieving process when I realised I will never have a Mum who is in my corner and who gives unconditional love.  Her 'love' was always conditional and I understand why but I wont tolerate it any more.  I wish you the best with your journey and I'm positive through this site you will find the right way for you and your loved ones.