Is she trying to get a reaction?

[Saradane]

We broke up two days ago, and I smothered her and tried arguing with her to get back to together. Here is the story if you want to read it https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=288945.0

We agreed to take a few days off from each other.

Today she shows up at my job to make a deposit (I work at a bank), and I was friendly and polite as I should be at my own job. After the deposit was completed, she looked at me and rolled her eyes.

She could have gone to several other branches that are closer to where she lives and goes to school. Did she go to mine to get a reaction from me?

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[livednlearned]

Hi Saradane,

Impulsivity is one of the core traits of someone with BPD. It's possible she thought, "I have a deposit to make. I'll go to the bank where Saradane works because I know him." And then that's what she did.

People with labile moods are driven by feelings first, then facts. It can be a very disorienting -- and exhausting -- way to live, to make it through the day. She's driven by her feelings first and foremost, and you are trying to understand her behaviors through a different filter than the one that frames her day-to-day experiences.

It's the same with depression and anxiety to some extent. A person with severe anxiety does things that don't make sense to someone who hasn't felt the dreaded grip of severe anxiety. They do things to accommodate something very powerful, for better or worse. A lot of their behavior is about bending the world to help them soothe some of the anxiety. We all do this to some extent, a person with BPD does this in more extreme ways because he or she has more intense emotions.

It sounds like you are not necessarily broken up if the agreement is to take a few days off from each other, especially if your history is to break up and then have sex. More likely, she is trying to gain some control of her feelings as she swings between engulfment and abandonment.

Does that seem possible?

[Saradane]

It is possible. I am not too sure where she is trying to go in the relationship anymore.

After last night, I didn't talk to her and she called me at 1:30 AM talking about things that she was worried about. We went to go get ice cream, and she wanted me to come cuddle with her for a little bit. I did, and then I left back home.

I'm tired of being the toy in this relationship. I respect her and her BPD, but the constant push/pull is draining. I honestly don't know how much more I can take, if any.

I am going to just continue to focus on me and not initiate any contact. I'll use this time and really start to focus on the things that I need to get done for my sake. It wont be easy, but I have to do it.

[livednlearned]

A metaphor I find useful for BPD relationships is the 10,000 foot view. People with BPD are dealing with a lot of fluctuations in mood, and are easily triggered, so the up and down can be exhausting. If you focus on those moods at the 5-inch level, it's exhausting, especially when a relationship is hanging in the balance.

It takes a lot of strength to pull yourself up to the 10,000 foot level. It sounds like you get that 

How will you respond the next time she contacts you?

[Saradane]

I am always polite, never rude or nasty, but neutral. I don't like to give more than I would give an acquaintance in a casual conversation.

Calling is usually or method of communication when apart, so I may just ignore the call and tell her to text me for the sake of not having to hear her. I mean this not to sound vindictive or immature, but hearing her voice can cause me to miss her, and maybe make me want to see her.

[divina]

Calling is usually or method of communication when apart, so I may just ignore the call and tell her to text me for the sake of not having to hear her. I mean this not to sound vindictive or immature, but hearing her voice can cause me to miss her, and maybe make me want to see her.

Don't do that. When she calls, you will say, "Hey, great to talk to you... .Oh... .I'm in the middle of something. Can I call you later."  --- then take your breath and your time and gather your wits so you can be prepared. Then talk to her with your convictions intact.