He contacted me today. It's been a year since I last spoke to him.

[FlSunshineGirl]

I got an email this morning from my dBPDex. He said "tomorrow marks one year since I last spoke to you. I hope you're happy and healthy. Not a day goes by that I don't think about you. I miss you always. Take care my friend."

Tomorrow also happens to be his birthday. He's in a new relationship (since last June) and I'm sure he's reaching out because of the birthday trigger and probably the new person is being devalued and the honeymoon's over.

I'm going to remain strict NC, but holy crap seeing his name pop up in my email inbox causes such a nauseating feeing in the pit of my stomach! I was shaking and felt like throwing up!

I hate that feeling!

This is the 3rd time he's contacted me since we said goodbye. Will this feeling ever stop when I hear from him? It's like I have PTSD from what I went through in that dysfunctional relationship.

[hopealways]

I can imagine how you feel, I would feel the same.  You're probably right, each time they reach out is when things are heading south for them with the replacement.  What will you do if he wants to see you? Will you even respond to his email?

[FlSunshineGirl]

I won't respond back.

The last day we spoke he had my replacement lined up and moved right on with her.

Things lasted about 2-3 months with her and I found out when that went downhill he immediately signed up on an online dating site. Then he emailed me twice.

I didn't respond and he moved on again with another person.

I always thought it was out of sight out of mind. But he says he thinks of me all the time.

With this disorder there have been so many lies who knows what's true.

Maybe he's just saying all that crap because he needs attention and wants to push my buttons in hopes of hearing from me.

[JaneStorm]

How awful. Do you delete his messages?

[FlSunshineGirl]

I deleted it immediately from my inbox. I wanted to be strong enough to delete it from the trash too and not read it at all. But I broke down and read it because curiosity got the best of me. I still have so much anger towards him! I want so badly to be able to let go of the anger and just forget him and not think about him, but I still think about him way too much. Rehashing the lies and the manipulation and replaying different conversations we had in my mind.

Is anyone else having trouble letting go of the anger towards their ex?

[JaneStorm]

I deleted it immediately from my inbox. I wanted to be strong enough to delete it from the trash too and not read it at all. But I broke down and read it because curiosity got the best of me. I still have so much anger towards him! I want so badly to be able to let go of the anger and just forget him and not think about him, but I still think about him way too much. Rehashing the lies and the manipulation and replaying different conversations we had in my mind.

Is anyone else having trouble letting go of the anger towards their ex?

Yes; anger is a tough one. Feeling duped, mad at myself for not exiting when a 'normal' woman would... .on and on.

That's where therapy comes in. I have been seeing a T for a couple of months every week (found him for my ex but of course, he would not go and it has been good for me) and I have had (3) sessions of EMDR (found THIS, thinking it would help HIM but it is for me!  ) with a skilled professional. I have several more to come and I am amazed at the cement in my gut disappearing! Things are melting and being processed normally, unlike before. 

I have complex PTSD and I see now how my pattern was formed. Knowing is not enough, though, I had to pull the root of the weed out.

That is what EMDR does for me.

The therapist calls me on my BS and gives me great suggestions (from a man's point of view). I have new insight I never have before and I have gone through CBT off and on over the years. I feel grateful more each day that he has evolved me into the next phase of self-awareness.

I get twinges but it is getting easier to redirect my thoughts and actions.

First say to yourself what you would be, and then do what you have to do.

Epictetus


Read more at www.brainyquote.com/quotes/quotes/e/epictetus161531.html#HWzDPT7apq2F2wxt.99

[FlSunshineGirl]

Wow Jane! So awesome that you've done so much work with EMDR and CBT! Way to go! Be proud of taking those steps!

I did quite a bit of therapy on and off during the relationship and some afterwards as well. My therapist (who was also the Ex's therapist - I was trying to get him help for his BiPolar and BPD) had suggested EMDR therapy but I never got started with it.

Do you think your PTSD was a result from your relationship with your ex?

(I'm sorry I haven't read your backstory yet so I'm not up to speed on the details of what you've been through)

I don't know if I'm more angry with him for the bad treatment in the relationship or myself for like you said not leaving when I know a healthy person with good boundaries and some self respect would have left.

I'm glad you're making so much progress in your healing. :-)

I try telling myself when I hear a song that triggers me that this pain is from the past and the past is over and noting in the past can hurt me in the present moment. I try to make a conscious effort to tell myself and envision letting go of the pain and the emotions the song or certain word or date triggers cause.

[JaneStorm]

Wow Jane! So awesome that you've done so much work with EMDR and CBT! Way to go! Be proud of taking those steps!

I did quite a bit of therapy on and off during the relationship and some afterwards as well. My therapist (who was also the Ex's therapist - I was trying to get him help for his BiPolar and BPD) had suggested EMDR therapy but I never got started with it.

Do you think your PTSD was a result from your relationship with your ex?

(I'm sorry I haven't read your backstory yet so I'm not up to speed on the details of what you've been through)

I don't know if I'm more angry with him for the bad treatment in the relationship or myself for like you said not leaving when I know a healthy person with good boundaries and some self respect would have left.

I'm glad you're making so much progress in your healing. :-)

I try telling myself when I hear a song that triggers me that this pain is from the past and the past is over and noting in the past can hurt me in the present moment. I try to make a conscious effort to tell myself and envision letting go of the pain and the emotions the song or certain word or date triggers cause.

Oh no; I grew up in a very peculiar and damaging home. I have been on a quest to stop the madness with me since I was in my 20s; I am 48. My two twenty-something sons thank me often for ending the cycle and not visiting these things onto them. That feels good. It is easy to be someone's hero (my kids) but not easy to be my own hero but they keep me moving!

I did lots of PTSD work over the years but I have to say, this EMDR is something else. Sidenote: today, I found out Grizzly Adams (actor) died. I had this overwhelming grief response and had to leave work to drive somewhere and cry. I had no idea why. I loved the show but it was during a time when things were nuts in my family (~1977). I seemed to have processed it quickly, unlike I would have before.

Nothing is a cure-all for everyone but I know I am not wasting my time. I will continue to update as time goes on.

I was only with this BPDex for 1.5 years. The rest is history. Swept me up, betrayed and broke my heart... .blah blah blah... .tried to fix him, nobody loved him as much as I did... .yada yada yada. He was only a symptom of something ancient inside of me, from my past.

[Itstopsnow]

My ex told me when we broke up but we're still in contact at that point that he thought of me everyday. I don't know if I believe anything he said. Maybe they do and maybe they don't. Their not robots and can turn off memories. So I'm sure they think of us. Especially if they're not happy. Which is most of the time. They sometimes romanticize their past loves as it's easier to attach love to something that can't hurt you anymore or be taken away from you again. The feel comfortable in a sense of loss if that makes sense. Even though they try to do their damnest not to be alone. Ultimately they relate to loss more than anything else. They are like self fulfilling prophecies. The things they don't want to happen in their lives (being left alone) they do to themselves.

[JaneStorm]

My ex told me when we broke up but we're still in contact at that point that he thought of me everyday. I don't know if I believe anything he said. Maybe they do and maybe they don't. Their not robots and can turn off memories. So I'm sure they think of us. Especially if they're not happy. Which is most of the time. They sometimes romanticize their past loves as it's easier to attach love to something that can't hurt you anymore or be taken away from you again. The feel comfortable in a sense of loss if that makes sense. Even though they try to do their damnest not to be alone. Ultimately they relate to loss more than anything else. They are like self fulfilling prophecies. The things they don't want to happen in their lives (being left alone) they do to themselves.

Good point. I have an ex husband that said he could not wait to see what it felt like when I broke his heart. What the heck?

Of course I bent over backwards to avoid it. This was before the wedding. Sheesh.

[FlSunshineGirl]

I think the dysfunction in my family definitely played a large part in my attraction to this sort of personality. Codependency, poor boundaries, not valuing myself enough... .

That's awesome that you were able to break the cycle and not repeat what you experienced with your own kids.

Now to work on being your own hero and it sounds like you've come a very long ways and one day you will be. :-)

[FlSunshineGirl]

Geesh! How do you use the quote option. I'm screwing it up every time because I'm trying to do it on my phone and I don't know what the heck I'm doing!

[JaneStorm]

I think the dysfunction in my family definitely played a large part in my attraction to this sort of personality. Codependency, poor boundaries, not valuing myself enough... .

That's awesome that you were able to break the cycle and not repeat what you experienced with your own kids.

Now to work on being your own hero and it sounds like you've come a very long ways and one day you will be. :-)

That made me tear up in my eyes. Thank you so much for the validation.

Play with the settings when posting; you will figure it out!

Thank you so much again.

I told my T that I always felt like a salmon swimming upstream. Once the kids are done, I am done. He was a little disturbed. I never had a plan outside of that  I accepted that I am broken in relationships with lovers but was joyful I have healthy relationships with friends and my children.

I can have it all.

[cosmonaut]

I can certainly imagine how emotional it must be for you to hear from your ex.  Time doesn't always end the feelings we have for someone we love, even if they hurt us terribly.  It's ok to be effected by this.  I think most of us would be.  Try to not be hard on yourself for being human and having human emotions.  All of us understand.  It often helps to talk about how we are feeling.

I don't think your ex is necessarily lying to you.  pwBPD sometimes have trouble ever truly letting go of attachments.  We must remember that abandonment and loss of an attachment is an overwhelming, core fear of theirs.  It is not uncommon for members to hear from an ex even after quite some time has passed.  Just as your separation has emotionally effected you, chances are it has for your ex as well.  Maybe more than we can understand.  It may not make much sense, because this is not rational thinking and it's not healthy behavior.  But that doesn't mean it's not true for him in his reality.  If it helps at all, take from this that you were indeed someone very special to your ex.

[FlSunshineGirl]

My ex told me when we broke up but we're still in contact at that point that he thought of me everyday. I don't know if I believe anything he said. Maybe they do and maybe they don't. Their not robots and can turn off memories. So I'm sure they think of us. Especially if they're not happy. Which is most of the time. They sometimes romanticize their past loves as it's easier to attach love to something that can't hurt you anymore or be taken away from you again. The feel comfortable in a sense of loss if that makes sense. Even though they try to do their damnest not to be alone. Ultimately they relate to loss more than anything else. They are like self fulfilling prophecies. The things they don't want to happen in their lives (being left alone) they do to themselves.

I have to say that I agree that it seems they feel comfortable with a sense of loss. Always seemed like my ex loved the feeling of "longing" after something.

And at the beginning he told me how everyone always abandoned him, but it is a self fulfilling prophecy! He did things that pushed people away!

[FlSunshineGirl]

I think the dysfunction in my family definitely played a large part in my attraction to this sort of personality. Codependency, poor boundaries, not valuing myself enough... .

That's awesome that you were able to break the cycle and not repeat what you experienced with your own kids.

Now to work on being your own hero and it sounds like you've come a very long ways and one day you will be. :-)

That made me tear up in my eyes. Thank you so much for the validation.

Play with the settings when posting; you will figure it out!

Thank you so much again.

I told my T that I always felt like a salmon swimming upstream. Once the kids are done, I am done. He was a little disturbed. I never had a plan outside of that  I accepted that I am broken in relationships with lovers but was joyful I have healthy relationships with friends and my children.

I can have it all.

You're so welcome! You're never too old to dream a new dream or find some other purpose for your life. I find when I'm serving others in some way it's very fulfilling.

I think everyone here on this site is broken in some way with lovers! We are all in great company! Lol

[FlSunshineGirl]

I can certainly imagine how emotional it must be for you to hear from your ex.  Time doesn't always end the feelings we have for someone we love, even if they hurt us terribly.  It's ok to be effected by this.  I think most of us would be.  Try to not be hard on yourself for being human and having human emotions.  All of us understand.  It often helps to talk about how we are feeling.

I don't think your ex is necessarily lying to you.  pwBPD sometimes have trouble ever truly letting go of attachments.  We must remember that abandonment and loss of an attachment is an overwhelming, core fear of theirs.  It is not uncommon for members to hear from an ex even after quite some time has passed.  Just as your separation has emotionally effected you, chances are it has for your ex as well.  Maybe more than we can understand.  It may not make much sense, because this is not rational thinking and it's not healthy behavior.  But that doesn't mean it's not true for him in his reality.  If it helps at all, take from this that you were indeed someone very special to your ex.

Thank you so much for sharing your perspective on my situation. Maybe there is some truth to what he said and there are some feelings of missing, even if it's in a way that I'll never understand or a healthy way. That was really sweet what you said about me being someone special to him. I appreciate that :-)