BPD husband wants a divorce

[devistated75]

My husband of 16 years wants a divorce. His BPD behaviors have spiraled out of control this past year. Refuses to get any more help.  We've tried couples therapy but he won't take any of the responsibility, so it hasn't worked. I'm in therapy alone trying to make sense of everything and make sure I'm not crazy.  My husband has continuously pointed out my flaws.  After years of trying to improve myself, I've realized that nothing I do will ever be enough!  He refuses to see how deeply i love him and the wonderful life we built together.  Our 12 year old son is devastated and doesn't understand.  I'm beside myself, trying to cope with my own emotions while being strong for our child. I feel like my world has just collapsed.  If there were something I could do to make him see that he needs help, I would do it in a heartbeat.  He's set on leaving me so that he can move on and "be happy." I would be grateful for any suggestions.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Muradin]

Sounds like you came to the right place. I'm new here too and even though my BPD wife and I are separated, I still marvel at the things she says and does. Even still, I love her and want to fix things. It's not easy to deal with. The first thing I did (at the advice of my therapist (T)) was pick up a copy of "Stop Walking on Eggshells" (SWOE). The new revision is solid and it has helped me deal with the confusion and shame that I had been experiencing.

[devistated75]

Muradin,

Thank you for your response. I just bought that book the other day! You're right, it is a very helpful tool. I know taking care of myself is very important. Some days I'm able to do that. Other days, things seem hopeless. The person I have dedicated my life to and have loved with all my heart has just made my life a living hell.

[ijustwantpeace]

I am sorry for your situation. I don't understand why a BPD spouse would want a divorce wouldn't that cut off or reduce their supply of attention?

[devistated75]

Ijustwantpeace,

BPD husband wants divorce because he says I don't make him happy. Constantly points out my flaws or blames me for something. I try to change or improve myself and then it's something else. Nothing I do is ever good enough. I've lost my self esteem in the process.

[challengedinaz]

I see a lot of similarities in my own experiences with my BPD wife of 15 years -- she never fully embraced the idea of getting help, and never took any responsibility during couples' therapy (though I think deep down she knew it was her fault and that is why she never wanted to continue with therapy.)  Yes, we are always trying to improve ourselves -- thinking maybe the next raise or the new house will make them happy with themselves and happy with us, but it never works.  She has told me several times that she wanted a divorce, but usually a few hours later she is all apologies.  (Even when the apologies come, they never are as good or as strong as you want them to be). 

There have been many times when I thought about pushing a divorce because I know I will be happier without her, but then I remember the kids.  She's great with them, but that is because she can deflect her anger towards me.  But what if you aren't there, won't the kids take the brunt of it (especially if she sees you move onto a successful relationship with a non-BPD partner)?

This stuff is not confusing or anything... .

[devistated75]

If my BPD husband could ever clearly see what his behavior has done to our family, I think the guilt would be unbearable!

[challengedinaz]

I am sure.  My wife is all over the place.  It sucks. 

The good times are very good, but the bad times are the absolute worst.  Unless you live through it, you won't believe it... .

[Concerns]

The idea of "being happy" is a confusing one for us non's, I think. It definitely is for me. However, people are people and we are exposed to their personalities if we decide to live with them. The familial devastation has to be addressed fully. I am so sorry for your son's hurt. I know. Make sure the two of you get help together so you can have some tools to weather this storm. Hopefully, with more knowledge and tools, your husband may be able to address his emotional foundations that will lead to a better life for all of you!

[Rockcliffe]

@Devistated... .

Reading your post, was like reading my own story. I too am going through the worst pain imaginable. This isn't the first time my hwBPD has tried to leave, this would be the third. Usually he says he wants to leave, but neither of us are financialy able to, so we stay under the same roof, in the same bed, and after a few months, BAM, he wants me back. He's so sorry, he can't live without me. And I don't care about what happened, because I'm just so happy to be back with him, all is forgotten.

This time however, is a new ballgame. Back in August, he came to me, and gave me "the speech"... ." I don't love you, never have, I'm just here, because it's the right thing to do. I'm tired of lying to everyone, and I want to be happy, and I'm not happy with you"... even though everything about our relationship, the things he says to be, the friendship we have, says otherwise. That lasted until about the end of September. At which point he came to me, open arms and said "Who am I kidding, they're going to be pulling us apart on our deathbed, before we're sperated from each other"... .everything was awesome. Smiles, laughs, cute flirty texts throughout the day while at work. Until one night in November (Right after Thanksgiving) He came home and was acting weird. So I confronted him, I got "The speech" again... .only this time, I was told there was someone else. He "Accidentally" fell into a relationship (oops) and wants to be with her. He wants to be with her for all the reasons I want to be with him ( That killed me)

So for the firs time, in our 13 year relationship, I stood up for myself ( And our kids) And told him if he didn't want to be with me, then he could leave. He was packed and out of the house by the end of the week.

Now he's living with her (at her parents) . He has no job, no money, looks horrible everytime I see him. He comes up once, sometimes twice a week to see the kids... .only he spends a majority of the time hanging out with me. We laugh, and talk, and I know it's not healthy for me, but... .for right now, it's helping me cope. (Please no negative comments, I know I should NC, but we have kids, and despite it all, he's still my best friend)

He swears up and down, he still doesn't want to be with me, doesn't love me. BUT I can slowly feel him coming back. It's what he does.

Like I said though... .new ballpark... .he has a gf. So I don't know what will happen this time.

He keeps telling me to "Get over it. Move on" He has no idea how much hurt he's caused all of us. We have two daughter 12 and 4.

I feel like my heart was ripped out of my chest. This is also the first time he's said he wants a divorce.

I know I shouldn't take him back if he asked, but I know I would. He's not abusive to me or the kids, in the sense that your husband was. Mine is very uplifting ( always telling me how beautiful I am. How lucky he is) Same with the kids. His traits are the self harm by affairs, spending of money, drugs. He is very black/white, and obviously he's got the pushing/pulling trait as well. His mom had BPD. But he won't get help for it, because he doesn't believe in mental disorders... .

I know I should let go, but I'm just not ready. We're coming up on the 2 month mark, and already, he's showing his signs of coming back. He's flirty, He's coming over more, sending me texts randomly. Appologzing for arguments we get into ( Which is something he never does... .cause he's never wrong) Like I said, I love this man with all my heart. ANd I know this is a vicious cycle. But you don't give up on someone you love. Regardless of their mental stability. He's a good man, just... .Mr.Hyde right now. And I know... .I hope... .My Dr.Jekyll comes back... .before it's too late.

   

[Mummyfixit]

Hi, it seems we all have similar experiences. The only thing keeping me going is the hope my husband may stop hating me and come back.

[livednlearned]

BPD husband wants divorce because he says I don't make him happy. Constantly points out my flaws or blames me for something. I try to change or improve myself and then it's something else. Nothing I do is ever good enough. I've lost my self esteem in the process.

Hi devistated75,

One of the first steps is to get back to a place where your self esteem is intact. Not easy, I know! It's essential in these relationships that we depersonalize the attacks -- it is a hallmark of BPD to emotionally dysregulate and often the rages and accusations are coming from places deep inside them, and we happen to be the closest person to get the full brunt.

A lot of people in BPD relationships also tend to have codependent traits, and will do anything to put their partners first in order to appease them. This rarely works, although many of us learned to appease people in our family of origins and are certain on some deep level that this is the only way to control what can be a chaotic home environment.

There are other skills that can mitigate some of the difficulties in BPD relationships. Have you tried validation with your husband? It is a seemingly simply communication skill that can take some practice. In validating how our loved ones feel, we are accepting and acknowledging how they feel, without necessarily agreeing with the content.

Is this a skill you would want to learn more about?