BPD point of view

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Have you ever, during your relationship or after the break up, went to other online communities where you can read confessions from people suffering from BPD?

During the current period of my recovery I did and I must admit it gave me different perspective and better insight how they feel in certain situation.  Of course, I will never 'know' how do they really feel but I guess I can understand a lot of situations that blew my mind during my relationship.

The pattern is similar to our stories - after the huge number of stories I have read here, it like I already know what will I read when I see a post title named : "My first post. I feel hurt."

So I think I really understand BPD better now. Is this even necessary to heal? What is your experience and opinion?

[blackbirdsong]

Have you ever, during your relationship or after the break up, went to other online communities where you can read confessions from people suffering from BPD?

During the current period of my recovery I did and I must admit it gave me different perspective and better insight how they feel in certain situation.  Of course, I will never 'know' how do they really feel but I guess I can understand a lot of situations that blew my mind during my relationship.

The pattern is similar to our stories - after the huge number of stories I have read here, it like I already know what will I read when I see a post title named : "My first post. I feel hurt."

So I think I really understand BPD better now. Is this even necessary to heal? What is your experience and opinion?

[thisworld]

I have read some comments from people who have received lots of therapy and their honesty, self-awareness was impressive. I appreciated that a lot. Many comments made me think how unknowingly selfish people can be, and still self-pitying. I think written language makes certain things clearer but how would life be even with a very self-aware pwBPD? There seem to be so many pwASPD around who speak about themselves calmly and with a lot of insight but actual life would be very different.

I think this may hinder healing or contribute to it, depending on how you choose to use this knowledge in relation with other knowledge. 

[JRT]

I have read and even spoken to many BPD's. Speaking with them is frightening; I felt that every word was evaluated and judged... .that at any moment, one word, inflection or nuance might upset them and cause them to explode... In writing as they confess/writhe, it is deeply saddening to me. I cannot help but to think about my ex; although what she has done is entirely inexcusable and incredibly hurtful, her inner self is a 46 year long never ending pain that will never end. If she EVER meets anyone, she is overwhelmingly likely to sabotage that relationship like she has destroyed all of her other relationships though all of them were of decent quality. Its a very sad sickness.

[taniasofia]

Should we have empathy and try to understand pwBPD? I mean do they know what they are doing? how it hurts us? I know my ex wrote me a letter saying that she deeply truly loved me. told me that she didnt understand how a person like me would stick around after all that she has done. She told me I was the person whom she really wanted to be with, yet moved on and even moved in with her rebound. I guess my question is, can a pwPBD love? I always will question this. did she really love me? and is she did, why would she hurt me the person she claims to love? Her answer to this was that she could not control her actions and that she didnt know why she did the things she did. By all means, I try and am trying to understand this disorder but to what extend can it be put on that BPD? should they be held accountable even when they dont know why they do the things they do? like the lying the cheating, sabotaging their relationships, I know that to some extent these are their coping mechanisms... .I love my exwBPD but I couldnt take the pain anymore. I had to pick up the little of dignity I had left and work on myself instead. but i know they can feel so miserable and is like I can feel her pain too. which makes want to look for her and tell her it will all be okay but that would be lying to myself.

[blackbirdsong]

Should we have empathy and try to understand pwBPD? I mean do they know what they are doing? how it hurts us? I know my ex wrote me a letter saying that she deeply truly loved me. told me that she didnt understand how a person like me would stick around after all that she has done. She told me I was the person whom she really wanted to be with, yet moved on and even moved in with her rebound. I guess my question is, can a pwPBD love? I always will question this. did she really love me? and is she did, why would she hurt me the person she claims to love? Her answer to this was that she could not control her actions and that she didnt know why she did the things she did. By all means, I try and am trying to understand this disorder but to what extend can it be put on that BPD? should they be held accountable even when they dont know why they do the things they do? like the lying the cheating, sabotaging their relationships, I know that to some extent these are their coping mechanisms... .I love my exwBPD but I couldnt take the pain anymore. I had to pick up the little of dignity I had left and work on myself instead. but i know they can feel so miserable and is like I can feel her pain too. which makes want to look for her and tell her it will all be okay but that would be lying to myself.

I am sure my ex loved me. I believe she still does. She loved me in a way that was possible for her to love me. The best she could. I really believe this. That is not the main question for me.

She loved me, her pain is real, she is not manipulator type who plans her manipulations and reactions.

The main question for me is: "Is this the love I am looking for?"

[UserName69]

Should we have empathy and try to understand pwBPD? I mean do they know what they are doing? how it hurts us? I know my ex wrote me a letter saying that she deeply truly loved me. told me that she didnt understand how a person like me would stick around after all that she has done. She told me I was the person whom she really wanted to be with, yet moved on and even moved in with her rebound. I guess my question is, can a pwPBD love?

I always will question this. did she really love me? and is she did, why would she hurt me the person she claims to love? Her answer to this was that she could not control her actions and that she didnt know why she did the things she did. By all means, I try and am trying to understand this disorder but to what extend can it be put on that BPD? should they be held accountable even when they dont know why they do the things they do? like the lying the cheating, sabotaging their relationships, I know that to some extent these are their coping mechanisms... .I love my exwBPD but I couldnt take the pain anymore. I had to pick up the little of dignity I had left and work on myself instead. but i know they can feel so miserable and is like I can feel her pain too. which makes want to look for her and tell her it will all be okay but that would be lying to myself.

My exBPD told me once that she's going to hurt me a lot, an another time she told me that she would dump me after she didn't need me. Whenever we broke up she used to text me telling me that she will always love me no matter what. A friend of mine who was dating a pwBPD showed me a couple emails his exBPD mailed him and when I did read them it really looked like my exBPD wrote them, it looks they're all using the same scripts.

The way I see it everything she said was a lie, it's one of those lines they tell to anyone who's in your position. How do I know? She dumped her exBF just for me, at least that was what I found out after a while. If she used him like that she would do the same to me which she did, and she will use my replacement too. It's just impossible to stay with a pwBPD, they will discard you and move on with an another person soon or late.

My exBPD knew what she was doing it seemed like she loved all the attention and drama she received.

[Learning Fast]

BBS,

I'm with you.  My exBPD loved me to the best of her abilities---she wasn't capable of more---and I accept that based on what I've been able to learn about the disorder.

The question became---would that be sufficient for the type of relationship that I would find desirable?  Sadly, the answer was---no.

LF

[JQ]

Hi Blackbirdsong,

Reading your post I thought it was insightful to try and understand life from the eyes of someone who has BPD.  Sometimes this action gives us closure, it give us pause to think and reevaluate our behavior and thoughts and in some small way understand a BPD and why they do what they do. It reminded me of a post of mine that I wrote several months back to a similar question. As we've ALL come to learn no two people are alike with or without mental / behavioral illness, but we can see similarities in their actions, behavior and thought processes.

A relationship with a BPD is NOT NOW & NEVER WILL be NORMAL!  so any illusion you have of getting that with someone with BPD you might as well accept it now. In the end you'll save yourself a lot of pain, hurt, money, and your soul.

BPD is a SERIOUS MENTAL / BEHAVIORAL ILLNESS that started LONG before you entered into the picture and studies show that BPD will be their life with you or without you, and they'll need a LIFETIME of good quality behavioral modification via DBT therapy & possibly meds & possibly with multiple therapist. My exBPDgf has been going on & off for DECADES!  So this behavioral illness isn't going to be a quick fix for them or for you.

The behavior they have is that of a 3 year old toddler at times that seems to defy logic. But it's THEIR logic that has helped them survive some childhood trauma that most of us probably can't imagine the horror of. Example my exBPDgf was sexually, mentally & emotionally abused by an older brother by 2 years for not days, weeks or months but was for years that started when she was 4 or 5 and lasted until she was about 13 & he was 15. Her older sister physically, mentally  & emotionally abused her for nearly the same time period being hit, kicked and told you are damaged goods, worthless, no one will ever love you. Now imagine all of that happening to you nearly on a daily basis for years. You can't go to your parent because of the INCREDIBLE AMOUNT shame they have or fear of reprisal including being threaten with death. Her father worked consistently to provide a good life for them, food on the table, roof over their head, her mother was most likely a BPD herself. Now how would any of us survive the same situation of sexual molestation, emotional, mental & physical abuse nearly every day? It was her amazing strength in God that prevented her from committing suicide that so many of them talk about or attempt. She only told me very brief idea of what she went through and I've imagine for only a short time what it would be like to suffer this from the people who were SUPPOSE to protect you from monsters like that. The very ones that are suppose to protect & care for you because they're family.  Just the thought of things made me physical ill and I probably would of put a bullet in my brain pan a long time ago.

So they (BPDs) develop a defense mechanism to survive the abuse. They compartmentalize events, feelings, shame and put them in deep dark places with locks on them. As they develop from child to adult they have become emotionally stunted because they don't know how to share much less express their feelings. Some evidence shows that there is actual physical developmental shortfalls within the brain due to the abuse.  What they do in the way of intimacy or sex is quite possibly a defense mechanism to receive what they see as love. When we the NON start to fall in love with them they become ENGULFED in emotions that they never learned to deal with and don't know how to react to due to physical development shortfalls in the brain. When we NON's have had enough of what we've experienced as riding the crazy train we leave the relationship and they interpret that as you not loving them anymore and will do what we think of as crazya$$ sh!t.  Things like in my case driving down the interstate looking for my car for 2 hours hoping to stop me and keep me from abandoning her. It's the extreme fear of abandonment that causes this behavior ... .it's what they learned, how they learned right or wrong and it's the only thing they know how to do in the mixed up world of emotions they have.

They have learned to compartmentalize feelings of huge amount of guilt, anger, abandonment after they leave you because they feel real or not that you're going to leave so to prevent them from getting hurt they leave first on their terms to lesson the pain they feel. When that part of the brain opens up the lock on that box and starts to think about your relationship yes they feel hurt, guilt, they miss you and reach out again or rebound or recycle or whatever you would like to call it. The evidence suggest that they might forget sometimes what they do or say and don't have recall of events as you do. AGAIN this might be a built in protective means NOT to remember bad events in their life. We all know that PTSD from soldiers from horrific events & battle show up years, sometimes decades later after their sub conscience opens up that box tucked away in the basement of their brain and what comes after that is anger, frustration, guilt ... .shame. I've had to deal with my own PTSD events from my time in the miltary and I'm here to tell you that the amount of guilt I felt for having a 19 year old bleed out all over me and not being able to save him has left scares that I will forever carry with me. But through A LOT of EDMR treatment & counseling I'm able to get about day to day. I think about it from time to time but I'm able to to live a "normal" life or so it appears to everyone. Those with BPD act very much in the same way in their trauma and to the person outside looking in everything looks normal, it looks like everything is fine, and just below the surface they battle demons on a daily basis that most of us can't imagine.  It should not be a surprise to anyone that 22 Veterans commit suicide everyday ... .ALMOST 1 AN HOUR ... .and those who suffer BPD have the HIGHEST suicide rate among ALL mental illness.

She is self aware and has been in & out of therapy for decades with multiple therapist and I actually would like to believe that I see moments of clarity in her behavior, her eyes. But her & I both know that it's going to take a lifetime of continual therapy to make ANY  progress with occasional steps backwards, we all do. In my effort to better understand her & BPD and what happened between us I've had to dive into a new world of BPD. I've had to learn about triangulation, projection, deregulation, push/pull, painted black, then white, and a host of other new terms. I've had to learn to hone my skills at this new language & have a conversation that wouldn't let her feel threaten or make her angry & rage. How to validate her concerns that most of us wouldn't give a second thought but actually causes so much stress in her life it causes her physical pain.

A relationship with a BPD is not logical & never will be. They have the behavior of a 3 year old at times & YOU'RE going to have to be the adult in the relationship. You're going to have to put in so much more effort, energy, give more of your heart, soul & mind in order to have this relationship. IS IT FAIR? Probably not but what do you consider fair? I've come to learn that NON's that decide to be with BPDs are most likely codependent & OUR behavior has been learned by those who influenced us growing up to the be a peacekeeper, the perfectionist, the care giver, it's who we are and less damaging to a relationship the someone with BPD and we feel abandon when they leave because we don't understand why they did what they did or said the things they did and we're angry why they could leave us because we're doing nothing but loving them with everything that we have. THEY'RE just trying to SURVIVE the DAILY battle of demons within the dark places of the soul ... .so what's really fair?

You want a relationship with a BPD? Then read, learn and know what you're really going to get into when you put your name on the dotted line. There are mental health therapist & Ph.d's who have told me they will never know everything about BPD. Now you have to decide if you want to live your remaining years carefree, finding someone with less "baggage" and enjoy those walks along the beach with an umbrella drink in your hand, without a worry with someone that doesn't come with the issues like your exBPDgf. OR do YOU take the red pill and go down the rabbit hole Neo and see how far it goes? Know if you sign up for the BPD lifestyle its going to be the most challenging thing your ever going to do in your life and will last the rest of your life. Know that there will always be issues, things will be said, things will happen, events will be happen ... .don't pretend for one second it's going to be all rainbows & unicorns but YOU have to decide if YOUR life with them will be worth it ... .it's a choice you can't take lightly ... .YOU have already giving up a lot to get to this point ... .YOU have to be honest with yourself to see if YOU want to sacrifice your soul, mental health, physical health, finances for a what will certainly be a crazy train ride of life with them ... .BUT IT'S YOUR CHOICE!   YOUR  choice to learn that when THEY let THEIR flying monkey's out of their cages ... .it's THEIR responsibility to put them back in their cages ... .NOT YOURS!     So do you buy a ticket on the crazy train roller coaster ... .or do you let it go by ... .the choice is yours.

To answer your question ... .learning of her daily battle with HER demons and the stunted emotional behavior that she will forever have has helped me understand HER SERIOUS MENTAL BEHAVIORAL ILLNESS.  For me ... .understanding has helped me heal and close this chapter in my life. I've had to repeat to myself constantly the 3 C's of BPD.  I didn't Cause it!  I can't Control it! I can't Cure it!  In the process I've learned so much about myself and what Co-dependency is. I've learned that my mother is BPD & my younger sister is to. I've learned that my life growing up in the house I did set me up to be attracted to someone with BPD. Because I've learned and continue to learn about BPD I know that I will stop this cycle of relationships with someone with BPD and find a mutually respectful, caring, loving relationship that we all want and we all deserve.

JQ

[fromheeltoheal]

Hey BBS-

Reading Masterson's book Search for the Real Self was pivotal for me.  It's pretty clinical, but not inaccessibly so, and once I'd digested his explanations of how a normal 'self' develops, and what happens when ordered development becomes disordered to either create BPD or NPD, the lights came on for me in a big way, suddenly I understood why she does what she does.  And it's a good read in general, explaining how someone becomes an autonomous human adult very well.

The clinical side and the labels don't really matter though, although I needed to understand what the hell was going on, and learning about the disorder from a clinical perspective made the confusion disappear immediately, then I could start to deal with the abuse and disrespect and the PTSD it left me with.  It's the behaviors and whether or not they were acceptable to us that matter in the end.  Take care of you!

[Learning_curve74]

Have you ever, during your relationship or after the break up, went to other online communities where you can read confessions from people suffering from BPD?

During the current period of my recovery I did and I must admit it gave me different perspective and better insight how they feel in certain situation.

The pattern is similar to our stories - after the huge number of stories I have read here, it like I already know what will I read when I see a post title named : "My first post. I feel hurt."

So I think I really understand BPD better now. Is this even necessary to heal? What is your experience and opinion?

I've read a bunch of the support forums for BPD as well as blogs by people with BPD. It helped me to understand the feelings and thoughts my exgf might've had during our relationship, and helped me to be empathic as possible. It also helped me to not take her behaviors too personally.

Everybody follows their own path of healing, but I feel that having a degree of sympathy for my exgf's mental illness helped me heal relatively quickly after the final breakup.

[AsGoodAsItGets]

Yes I have read others.  I have also read my BPD ex own personal journal.  It was full of insight,  but even written clarity is filled with distortion.   She wrote about a guy she cheated on me with who realize something  wasn't right and confronted her.  She stated how wrong he was about his accusations and she would never hurt him.  Yet she was using us both at the same time.  So sad and sick.  I Honestly Saved This Girls life, Yet She Needed More NEW Relationship To Forget Her Part IN How Bad She Though She Was.  Our relationship reminded her to much of that

[FannyB]

Hi Blackbirdsong,

Reading your post I thought it was insightful to try and understand life from the eyes of someone who has BPD.  Sometimes this action gives us closure, it give us pause to think and reevaluate our behavior and thoughts and in some small way understand a BPD and why they do what they do. It reminded me of a post of mine that I wrote several months back to a similar question. As we've ALL come to learn no two people are alike with or without mental / behavioral illness, but we can see similarities in their actions, behavior and thought processes.

A relationship with a BPD is NOT NOW & NEVER WILL be NORMAL~!  so any illusion you have of getting that with someone with BPD you might as well accept it now. In the end you'll save yourself a lot of pain, hurt, money, and your soul.

BPD is a SERIOUS MENTAL / BEHAVIORAL ILLNESS that started LONG before you entered into the picture and studies show that BPD will be their life with you or without you, and they'll need a LIFETIME of good quality behavioral modification via DBT therapy & possibly meds & possibly with multiple therapist. My exBPDgf has been going on & off for DECADES~!  So this behavioral illness isn't going to be a quick fix for them or for you.

The behavior they have is that of a 3 year old toddler at times that seems to defy logic. But it's THEIR logic that has helped them survive some childhood trauma that most of us probably can't imagine the horror of. Example my exBPDgf was sexually, mentally & emotionally abused by an older brother by 2 years for not days, weeks or months but was for years that started when she was 4 or 5 and lasted until she was about 13 & he was 15. Her older sister physically, mentally  & emotionally abused her for nearly the same time period being hit, kicked and told you are damaged goods, worthless, no one will ever love you. Now imagine all of that happening to you nearly on a daily basis for years. You can't go to your parent because of the INCREDIBLE AMOUNT shame they have or fear of reprisal including being threaten with death. Her father worked consistently to provide a good life for them, food on the table, roof over their head, her mother was most likely a BPD herself. Now how would any of us survive the same situation of sexual molestation, emotional, mental & physical abuse nearly every day? It was her amazing strength in God that prevented her from committing suicide that so many of them talk about or attempt. She only told me very brief idea of what she went through and I've imagine for only a short time what it would be like to suffer this from the people who were SUPPOSE to protect you from monsters like that. The very ones that are suppose to protect & care for you because they're family.  Just the thought of things made me physical ill and I probably would of put a bullet in my brain pan a long time ago.

So they (BPDs) develop a defense mechanism to survive the abuse. They compartmentalize events, feelings, shame and put them in deep dark places with locks on them. As they develop from child to adult they have become emotionally stunted because they don't know how to share much less express their feelings. Some evidence shows that there is actual physical developmental shortfalls within the brain due to the abuse.  What they do in the way of intimacy or sex is quite possibly a defense mechanism to receive what they see as love. When we the NON start to fall in love with them they become ENGULFED in emotions that they never learned to deal with and don't know how to react to due to physical development shortfalls in the brain. When we NON's have had enough of what we've experienced as riding the crazy train we leave the relationship and they interpret that as you not loving them anymore and will do what we think of as crazya$$ sh!t.  Things like in my case driving down the interstate looking for my car for 2 hours hoping to stop me and keep me from abandoning her. It's the extreme fear of abandonment that causes this behavior ... .it's what they learned, how they learned right or wrong and it's the only thing they know how to do in the mixed up world of emotions they have.

They have learned to compartmentalize feelings of huge amount of guilt, anger, abandonment after they leave you because they feel real or not that you're going to leave so to prevent them from getting hurt they leave first on their terms to lesson the pain they feel. When that part of the brain opens up the lock on that box and starts to think about your relationship yes they feel hurt, guilt, they miss you and reach out again or rebound or recycle or whatever you would like to call it. The evidence suggest that they might forget sometimes what they do or say and don't have recall of events as you do. AGAIN this might be a built in protective means NOT to remember bad events in their life. We all know that PTSD from soldiers from horrific events & battle show up years, sometimes decades later after their sub conscience opens up that box tucked away in the basement of their brain and what comes after that is anger, frustration, guilt ... .shame. I've had to deal with my own PTSD events from my time in the miltary and I'm here to tell you that the amount of guilt I felt for having a 19 year old bleed out all over me and not being able to save him has left scares that I will forever carry with me. But through A LOT of EDMR treatment & counseling I'm able to get about day to day. I think about it from time to time but I'm able to to live a "normal" life or so it appears to everyone. Those with BPD act very much in the same way in their trauma and to the person outside looking in everything looks normal, it looks like everything is fine, and just below the surface they battle demons on a daily basis that most of us can't imagine.  It should not be a surprise to anyone that 22 Veterans commit suicide everyday ... .ALMOST 1 AN HOUR ... .and those who suffer BPD have the HIGHEST suicide rate among ALL mental illness.

She is self aware and has been in & out of therapy for decades with multiple therapist and I actually would like to believe that I see moments of clarity in her behavior, her eyes. But her & I both know that it's going to take a lifetime of continual therapy to make ANY progress with occasional steps backwards, we all do. In my effort to better understand her & BPD and what happened between us I've had to dive into a new world of BPD. I've had to learn about triangulation, projection, deregulation, push/pull, painted black, then white, and a host of other new terms. I've had to learn to hone my skills at this new language & have a conversation that wouldn't let her feel threaten or make her angry & rage. How to validate her concerns that most of us wouldn't give a second thought but actually causes so much stress in her life it causes her physical pain.

A relationship with a BPD is not logical & never will be. They have the behavior of a 3 year old at times & YOU'RE going to have to be the adult in the relationship. You're going to have to put in so much more effort, energy, give more of your heart, soul & mind in order to have this relationship. IS IT FAIR? Probably not but what do you consider fair? I've come to learn that NON's that decide to be with BPDs are most likely codependent & OUR behavior has been learned by those who influenced us growing up to the be a peacekeeper, the perfectionist, the care giver, it's who we are and less damaging to a relationship the someone with BPD and we feel abandon when they leave because we don't understand why they did what they did or said the things they did and we're angry why they could leave us because we're doing nothing but loving them with everything that we have. THEY'RE just trying to SURVIVE the DAILY battle of demons within the dark places of the soul ... .so what's really fair?

You want a relationship with a BPD? Then read, learn and know what you're really going to get into when you put your name on the dotted line. There are mental health therapist & Ph.d's who have told me they will never know everything about BPD. Now you have to decide if you want to live your remaining years carefree, finding someone with less "baggage" and enjoy those walks along the beach with an umbrella drink in your hand, without a worry with someone that doesn't come with the issues like your exBPDgf. OR do YOU take the red pill and go down the rabbit hole Neo and see how far it goes? Know if you sign up for the BPD lifestyle its going to be the most challenging thing your ever going to do in your life and will last the rest of your life. Know that there will always be issues, things will be said, things will happen, events will be happen ... .don't pretend for one second it's going to be all rainbows & unicorns but YOU have to decide if YOUR life with them will be worth it ... .it's a choice you can't take lightly ... .YOU have already giving up a lot to get to this point ... .YOU have to be honest with yourself to see if YOU want to sacrifice your soul, mental health, physical health, finances for a what will certainly be a crazy train ride of life with them ... .BUT IT'S YOUR CHOICE~!  YOUR  choice to learn that when THEY let THEIR flying monkey's out of their cages ... .it's THEIR responsibility to put them back in their cages ... .[color=#b04b1e]NOT YOURS~!  [/color]   So do you buy a ticket on the crazy train roller coaster ... .or do you let it go by ... .the choice is yours.

To answer your question ... .learning of her daily battle with HER demons and the stunted emotional behavior that she will forever have has helped me understand HER SERIOUS MENTAL BEHAVIORAL ILLNESS.  For me ... .understanding has helped me heal and close this chapter in my life. I've had to repeat to myself constantly the 3 C's of BPD.  I didn't Cause it~!  I can't Control it~! I can't Cure it~! In the process I've learned so much about myself and what Co-dependency is. I've learned that my mother is BPD & my younger sister is to. I've learned that my life growing up in the house I did set me up to be attracted to someone with BPD. Because I've learned and continue to learn about BPD I know that I will stop this cycle of relationships with someone with BPD and find a mutually respectful, caring, loving relationship that we all want and we all deserve.

JQ

Great post JQ highlighting many fundamental truths. Yes, our exes were horrible to us to an extent - but life was horrible to them first. We can walk away from out BPD experience and use it as a catalyst for personal growth, whilst their disorder means that they are likely doomed to repeat the same dysfunctional cycle with the next partner.


Fanny

[iluminati]

I too have read many of those same blogs, and have gotten some insights.  During my ex-wife's treatment, I also met a number of people with BPD in the flesh.  I think the biggest one was getting an actual friend with BPD.  Now, we both know that we're never going to be more, but it's interesting getting an up-close yet distant view of BPD without me being in the crosshairs.  It's definitely educational.

[Learning Fast]

Iluminati,

Very interesting post, especially you establishing a friendship with a pwBPD.  In your opinion, how would you describe the takeaways that were the most significant for you?

LF

[thisworld]

I was wondering the same.

[Confused108]

Should we have empathy and try to understand pwBPD? I mean do they know what they are doing? how it hurts us? I know my ex wrote me a letter saying that she deeply truly loved me. told me that she didnt understand how a person like me would stick around after all that she has done. She told me I was the person whom she really wanted to be with, yet moved on and even moved in with her rebound. I guess my question is, can a pwPBD love?

I always will question this. did she really love me? and is she did, why would she hurt me the person she claims to love? Her answer to this was that she could not control her actions and that she didnt know why she did the things she did. By all means, I try and am trying to understand this disorder but to what extend can it be put on that BPD? should they be held accountable even when they dont know why they do the things they do? like the lying the cheating, sabotaging their relationships, I know that to some extent these are their coping mechanisms... .I love my exwBPD but I couldnt take the pain anymore. I had to pick up the little of dignity I had left and work on myself instead. but i know they can feel so miserable and is like I can feel her pain too. which makes want to look for her and tell her it will all be okay but that would be lying to myself.

My exBPD told me once that she's going to hurt me a lot, an another time she told me that she would dump me after she didn't need me. Whenever we broke up she used to text me telling me that she will always love me no matter what. A friend of mine who was dating a pwBPD showed me a couple emails his exBPD mailed him and when I did read them it really looked like my exBPD wrote them, it looks they're all using the same scripts.

The way I see it everything she said was a lie, it's one of those lines they tell to anyone who's in your position. How do I know? She dumped her exBF just for me, at least that was what I found out after a while. If she used him like that she would do the same to me which she did, and she will use my replacement too. It's just impossible to stay with a pwBPD, they will discard you and move on with an another person soon or late.

My exBPD knew what she was doing it seemed like she loved all the attention and drama she received.

yup I'm with you ! I believe they are liars ! Majority of them. I feel like such an idiot for believing my ex with all the bs she handed me. And when she was done she was done. Nasty etc. I believe  like you mentioned loved the attention and drama that she caused. Caught her in several lies too. Mine thought she was hot sh*t! I also believe they all read from the same script as well. It's just a very well reheresed act when they come along to us. I mean they have been playing the same part for God knows how long. So I guess after a while they become an expert. I mean why wouldn't they!

[iluminati]

Iluminati,

Very interesting post, especially you establishing a friendship with a pwBPD.  In your opinion, how would you describe the takeaways that were the most significant for you?

Two things definitely helped with the process.  One was that she was self-aware of her diagnosis, freely disclosed it and is going through the proper treatment.  Two is that I knew where the potential pitfalls were and enforced some strong boundaries when needed (which was pretty rare, thankfully).  

The takeaway that was the biggest for me is how warped the relationship dynamics are even for someone relatively functional.  She's content with her various relationships, but the amount of control she needs to be happy isn't something the vast majority of people would be happy with.  Also, I got to see the enmeshment process from afar.  Granted, I ended up benefiting from it because of who she was with, but it's both scary and entertaining to watch from a distance.

It proved to me that even in ideal circumstances, a relationship with someone with BPD is a lot of work.  As friends we get along great, but I'd choke her if she was a girlfriend.

[iluminati]

yup I'm with you ! I believe they are liars ! Majority of them. I feel like such an idiot for believing my ex with all the bs she handed me. And when she was done she was done. Nasty etc. I believe  like you mentioned loved the attention and drama that she caused. Caught her in several lies too. Mine thought she was hot sh*t! I also believe they all read from the same script as well. It's just a very well reheresed act when they come along to us. I mean they have been playing the same part for God knows how long. So I guess after a while they become an expert. I mean why wouldn't they!

Lying and BPD is best explained by the Tony Montana line from Scarface: they tell the truth even when they lie!  I've met about a dozen or two diagnosed pwBPD through a variety of contexts.  The common thread I've seen with them is that they'll minimize every trauma they've had while flipping out over minor details.  Like they'll nonchalantly talk about the time they were gangraped, but will dysregulate over the coffee being 10 degrees off from where they want to be.

You ever deal with someone who is obviously upset, will deny it, and then proceed to flip out over something trivial?  Well, that mindset is Tuesday with someone with BPD.

[Learning Fast]

Iluminati,

Very interesting.  It's almost like in the Harry Potter series where you press the correct bricks and find yourself in the entirely different world of Diagon Alley.  Thanks for the insight.

LF

[cosmonaut]

Yes, our exes were horrible to us to an extent - but life was horrible to them first.

This is a very good point, and one well worth remembering.  Our partners are victims of their disorder too.  No one wins with BPD.  It shows no favorites and no one seems to escape unharmed.  It is a very tragic disorder.

[Fr4nz]

yup I'm with you ! I believe they are liars ! Majority of them. I feel like such an idiot for believing my ex with all the bs she handed me. And when she was done she was done. Nasty etc. I believe  like you mentioned loved the attention and drama that she caused. Caught her in several lies too. Mine thought she was hot sh*t! I also believe they all read from the same script as well. It's just a very well reheresed act when they come along to us. I mean they have been playing the same part for God knows how long. So I guess after a while they become an expert. I mean why wouldn't they!

Lying and BPD is best explained by the Tony Montana line from Scarface: they tell the truth even when they lie!  I've met about a dozen or two diagnosed pwBPD through a variety of contexts.  The common thread I've seen with them is that they'll minimize every trauma they've had while flipping out over minor details.  Like they'll nonchalantly talk about the time they were gangraped, but will dysregulate over the coffee being 10 degrees off from where they want to be.

You ever deal with someone who is obviously upset, will deny it, and then proceed to flip out over something trivial?  Well, that mindset is Tuesday with someone with BPD.

The ironic thing is that the coffee thing really happened to me... .well, it actually was tea, but what you said is indeed true :D