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taniasofia

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« on: January 16, 2016, 02:43:45 PM »

Hi everyone,

I had a relationship with a pwBPD for 5 years. I finally made the decision to step back for my own well being. Right now, I have been in nc for 16 days after being broken-up since mid November. I'm aware that my wounds are still very fresh and that I have no control over what might happen. My now exBPD partner, is a great person, seems like if I was to take away all of the BPD chaos between us, we would have been good. My question is this :

Is it possible to be friends with ex BPD partner? or is this a fantasy and I should just get this crazy idea of us every being friends out of my head? suggestions?

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blackbirdsong
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« Reply #1 on: January 16, 2016, 02:51:02 PM »

Hi,

Wow... .5 years. I was in a relationship with my ex for 4 months. 4 months and I am really emotionally shaken. Must be really hard for you. We are all here for you. Smiling (click to insert in post)

I am not sure if we can be honest, close friends with them. In case I could achieve that sort of honesty and closeness with her, she would be my partner, not just friend... .




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taniasofia

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« Reply #2 on: January 16, 2016, 02:58:13 PM »

Thank you Smiling (click to insert in post)

and you  are right! :/ I guess is my codependency interfering. The I still want to help her, role. 5 years is a lot, thats why i try not to be so harsh on myself. I know this will take a long time but im already in the process and even though i still feel like running back, but when I do I tell myself why? is not worth the pain. As you said, that type of closeness would be more of partner and not just friend.
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blackbirdsong
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« Reply #3 on: January 16, 2016, 03:04:12 PM »

Thank you Smiling (click to insert in post)

and you  are right! :/ I guess is my codependency interfering. The I still want to help her, role. 5 years is a lot, thats why i try not to be so harsh on myself. I know this will take a long time but im already in the process and even though i still feel like running back, but when I do I tell myself why? is not worth the pain. As you said, that type of closeness would be more of partner and not just friend.

I know that codependency feeling. The same thing is with me. You have 4.5 years more of memories and those are hard to deal with. Stay strong. Smiling (click to insert in post)

I swear, there are days I am not sure if I am spending time here for my own healing or just to arm myself with knowledge and to try again with her.

Just another sign we need to work on our inner issues.
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Newton
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« Reply #4 on: January 16, 2016, 04:31:01 PM »

Hey taniasofia   welcome! ... .

When things became too much for my exs with BPD they retreated to an emotionally 'safe' position... .for them.  They decided to verbalise that as 'let's try and be friends for a while'... .many members here have heard these words and appreciate what that entails ... often, (it has to be said)... .not too rewarding or fulfilling for us... .much more about what they need.  

If you are recognising codependent traits in yourself (congratulations  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post))... .then it's really important you appreciate and understand your motives to 'be there' for another right now... .how has this worked out for you when you have done this before?... .

-Is this beneficial for you in the long term?... .

-Have you identified what YOU want that friendship to look like?... .(what would be your 'deal breakers?)... .

-How does your ex treat her 'friends'?... .

-What is it about her that you think is 'great'... .?

I know things would be so much smoother/easier if the BPD symptoms were not present... .I thought the same... often.  And yet it is a personality disorder... .right now, it's who she is. It's a safe space here... .(I appreciate that is a lot of questions!)... .feel free to answer or ignore whatever you feel comfortable to... we are here to help  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)

I'm really glad you decided to reach out to this group  ... .we do understand your situation... .the more you post about what has occured, the more members can assist... .please do so as you see fit  Smiling (click to insert in post)

Kind regards... .Newton.  
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taniasofia

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« Reply #5 on: January 16, 2016, 05:14:49 PM »

I know that codependency feeling. The same thing is with me. You have 4.5 years more of memories and those are hard to deal with. Stay strong. smiley

I swear, there are days I am not sure if I am spending time here for my own healing or just to arm myself with knowledge and to try again with her.

Just another sign we need to work on our inner issues.



Yes, that's very true. I can honestly say that i lost myself while trying to sustain a relationship that was dead God knows since when. I really wish you the best and hope your relationship works.

If you are recognising codependent traits in yourself (congratulations  Doing the right thing)... .then it's really important you appreciate and understand your motives to 'be there' for another right now... .how has this worked out for you when you have done this before?... .

-Is this beneficial for you in the long term?... .

-Have you identified what YOU want that friendship to look like?... .(what would be your 'deal breakers?)... .

-How does your ex treat her 'friends'?... .

-What is it about her that you think is 'great'... .?

I know things would be so much smoother/easier if the BPD symptoms were not present... .I thought the same... often.  And yet it is a personality disorder... .right now, it's who she is. It's a safe space here... .(I appreciate that is a lot of questions!)... .feel free to answer or ignore whatever you feel comfortable to... we are here to help  Doing the right thing

I'm really glad you decided to reach out to this group  Empathy... .we do understand your situation... .the more you post about what has occured, the more members can assist... .please do so as you see fit  smiley

Kind regards... .Newton. 


^^^now that you put it that way! :/ I dont think i want anything to do with this person. I guess im trying to save whatever I can but you are right!at what expense? I love this person too much to ever see her as a friend (i think) or at least without letting my emotions get to me. I tried it with my previous ex whom I also think was BPD. I guess is too soon to speak of this is it? esp. when this person will more than likely act as if nothing ever happened! I hate myself for letting this relationship get so far! to the point where I lost myself and this other person is with someone else as I never meant anything! hate, rage, empathy, sympathy, sadness... .etc is all that fills my heart right now. 
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Newton
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« Reply #6 on: January 16, 2016, 06:05:36 PM »

taniasofia... .whatever path you choose to take with this person... .there are boards and people here to support you  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)

It's ok to talk here about whatever you feel comfortable talking about... .past, present, future... .(I have 1500+ posts... .it was quite a mess for me  ... .I arrived here as you did... .still here... .helping out now... .and I walked in your shoes as a new member)... .I have posts 1,2,3,4,5... .Being cool (click to insert in post)... .just like you  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)

Sounds like you know the language and behaviour you will get back if choose to interact with this person again... ... ..that is valuable knowledge... .

It is your choice to expose yourself to that again... .we can support you with those decisions... .you know your own mind as to how you want this to look... .

Try not to beat yourself up so much... .this happened, in the same way, to most people here... .it is very painful... .we get it  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)

What is the hardest thing you are trying to cope with today?... .you lost this person in particular?... .it happened to you again?... .what... .?







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Learning Fast
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« Reply #7 on: January 16, 2016, 06:41:23 PM »

T,

I've struggled to develop a friendship with my ex (we parted back in late June after a relationship that lasted about 2 years) and have found that it is difficult at best.  Once they develop a relationship with someone else we are pretty much in the rear view mirror.  I could sense as time went on that she (either because it was too emotionally challenging or otherwise) became less and less interested in what was going on in my life.  I'm not suggesting that this was surprising as learning more and more about BPD indicated that this was commonplace, however, any type of relationship needs to be two way.

I texted my final goodbye on 12/31 fully realizing that she may never respond. My point would be that if you want to pursue any type of relationship with your ex keep your expectations calibrated a very low level.

Best wishes,

LF

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kc sunshine
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« Reply #8 on: January 16, 2016, 07:37:56 PM »

Hi Taniasofia,

I'm also in the middle of trying to be friends with my ex (about 6 weeks now). It is pretty tough-- she also replaced me. She was all about me up until the night I got replaced and that BOOM, that was it.

She's hot and cold as a friend, but it is hard to say if that's just how she treats her friends, or like LF says "Once they develop a relationship with someone else we are pretty much in the rear view mirror." Either way it hurts and makes me think "wow, is this she is as a friend?" It could be that we are in transition (giving her the benefit of the doubt) and it just doesn't make much sense for us to be friends... .maybe in a year or so.

I'm friends with all my other exes (the lesbian thing to do!), and I totally value their place in my life, so hopefully she and I can be that too. Fingers crossed.
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kc sunshine
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« Reply #9 on: January 16, 2016, 07:39:02 PM »

p.s. great job being NC 16 days! I'm only at 1.

Did she try to contact you much? Push and pull?
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Learning Fast
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« Reply #10 on: January 16, 2016, 09:09:25 PM »

KC,

Kudos to you and best wishes!  I'm practicing the hetero thing to do and can only cross my fingers and hold my breath---but believe you me I ain't buying green bananas.

LF
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SybilVane
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« Reply #11 on: January 16, 2016, 09:09:38 PM »

I broke up on 21 december and since some days I've asked myself the same (about having a friendship).

I don't think it can happen, even if I feel very sad about his destructive habits, especially regarding his abuse of drugs. Sometimes I fear he can die of an overdose and he'll never know that, despite everything, I forgave him. In the end, I was really bad with him. During all the relationship I tried to protect him from himself, I avoided a lot of taboo subjects, I felt pity of him so many times during the relationship... .I tried to be nice when I decided to break up, but he was so arrogant that I finally said everything that was blocked on my throath... I was so bad, I called him a loser (in fact, I said very terrible things)... .All the frustration that I kept for more than two years were simply vomited on him in a minute. Then, I blocked him everywhere. No chance to reply... .

He hadnt tried to look for me until now. I dont think he will. I guess he's ashamed  after everything I said, maybe he realized he could not lie to me anymore - I mean, I guess he realized he can't pretend anymore to me. And as the big narcissist he is, theres no sense in trying to incense me again.

I guess he thinks I hate him... .that's why sometimes I think about tell him I forgive him. But I still too hurted inside, I still struggling against all the trauma, even if in a general way I really feel much better after leaving him. Maybe someday, when I'll be strong enough, I'l send a mail telling that if someday he asks himself if I could forgive him, he can be sure I did. I just hope him to be alive then. I'll feel very remorseful if something really bad happens to him. I know I really hurted him with everything I said... .
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steve195915
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« Reply #12 on: January 16, 2016, 09:44:20 PM »

I think it is possible to be friends eventually though it may be difficult at first since you had a 5 year relationship.  It all depends on the level of their disorder and how it manifests itself in a friends only relationship.  Also it depends on your mentality and personality and expectations.  Once they start a new relationship you may not hear too much from them but I think this is quite normal and not because of BPD. 

I know I'm one of the rare exceptions but I'm still friends with mine (2 months now) and for the most part it's positive.  If it starts becoming more negative then positive I can just end  the friendship.

I suggest you think about the reason you want to be friends and whether both of you are capable of a friends only relationship. 
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valet
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« Reply #13 on: January 16, 2016, 11:53:34 PM »

Hey tania, I'm sorry that your relationship ended.  But it sounds like you have a pretty healthy perspective about this.  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)

I have been friends with my ex for about a year. She still exhibits a relatively even amount of the behavioral patterns that she did when we were together. I am just not as close anymore, so it is much more healthy for me. For instance, she will pull away for a period of time, then want to talk to me (and other friends) a bunch. Generally, this is not personal. It's just who she is and how she manages her relationships. I find it a pretty positive and encouraging thing, overall.

I think that ultimately it's up to you and your expectations. Every person and friendship is different. I personally choose to maintain a friendship because it still makes sense to do so, and for the larger part I feel that I have begun to accept her for who she is. It will take a lot of work, of course. Often in these cases, we are somewhat responsible for setting the pace, emotionally and otherwise.

Can you tell us some more about what you might want out of a friendship with your ex?

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taniasofia

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« Reply #14 on: January 17, 2016, 07:14:56 AM »

taniasofia... .whatever path you choose to take with this person... .there are boards and people here to support you  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)

It's ok to talk here about whatever you feel comfortable talking about... .past, present, future... .(I have 1500+ posts... .it was quite a mess for me  ... .I arrived here as you did... .still here... .helping out now... .and I walked in your shoes as a new member)... .I have posts 1,2,3,4,5... .Being cool (click to insert in post)... .just like you  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)

Sounds like you know the language and behaviour you will get back if choose to interact with this person again... ... ..that is valuable knowledge... .

It is your choice to expose yourself to that again... .we can support you with those decisions... .you know your own mind as to how you want this to look... .

Try not to beat yourself up so much... .this happened, in the same way, to most people here... .it is very painful... .we get it  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)

What is the hardest thing you are trying to cope with today?... .you lost this person in particular?... .it happened to you again?... .what... .?

Bullet: comment directed to __ (click to insert in post) NEwton-At this point I think i'm lost. a part of me stupidly wants to still and still has hopes that the relationship might work... .while the other part of me yells "just be the bigger person and walk away from this triangle before is too late" I sometimes hate her for all that she has done, all without any remorse.

I guess yes, as you say, i am being to harsh on myself, but after seeing all those red flags is like "just slap yourself " :/ yet again... .at times I feel like all of this is me, that I was forcing the relationship because I was afraid to be alone and face my own emptiness (codependent) issues.

It seems that all relationships with pwBPD are centered on that person. SybilVane know that I did the exact same thing. I know i said a lot of horrible things that were thrown in my face afterwards and for which I felt terrible after having said them. One thing I learned though is the pwBPD never forget what you do to hurt them even if you didnt mean to, they will remember, but God forbid you ever bring anything of what they did to you because hell will rise. I said beyond horrible things to this person, things you just dont say to the person you love. I dont excuse my behavior but I do know that one can say hurtful things when angry and that was my case.

all of the feedback, and the questions you guys are posting about what i want out of my friendship with my ex(pw-BPD), if i was to take that step, are questions I had not thought about. They are serving as an eye opener to the reality i will have to face when/if i take that road.  :'( Having been in no contact for only 17 days (which she did contact me on the 11th day, asking me if i could print something for her.

"i know im probably the last person you wanna hear from... .but i have a stupid question... .can you print something for me yes or no" then switched it to "do I have any clothes of hers... ." then switched back again... .I dont know what were intentions were but this made me so mad and sad at the same time. like, how can you do that to me? if you think and know that you are the last person i want to hear from then why come and tell me this petty B.S. ? you know?

I realize it might be too soon to make any decisions about what i would like in the future. Seeing that she still keeps pushing my buttons, does she want me to hate her?

Last time we spoke, we chatted through skype and she was all bruised up in her arms. I asked her what happened which i already know that the relationship she is in is violent. So I AGAIN ask myself, why would she want to be in a relationship like that? like our relationship was nowhere near being abusive. She said she knows I will find better (she has that right i guess) that she is no good for me that she knows she has done too much harm already and that she chooses to be in that relationship and make it work (in her own world). Last time I spoke, prior to her telling me this, she said that she wanted us to try again because i was the person whom she wanted to spend the rest of her life with. (lies) so asked me if i could offer her consistency!  Red flag/bad  (click to insert in post)  this is what her current relationship is all about, inconsistency. so how does she have the audacity to ask me if i can offer her consistency? I dont think she new was she was talking about... .then a day later she changed her mind to "KEEP ON WITH YOUR LIFE AND MOVE ON. I DONT KNOW WHAT I WANT." Yet  lives with that person.

Question is, which i also ask myself... .why in the world would i want to even have a friendship with a person like this.  :/




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livednlearned
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« Reply #15 on: January 17, 2016, 08:27:50 AM »

Hi T,

It's a question that comes up here, with lots of different experiences depending on the relationship dynamics and the person with BPD, and learning some of the skills can also help. This is from Lesson 3 in the sidebar to the right ----->

1.4 Can we be friends despite the break-up?

A question everyone naturally asks. Break-up hurts and we want to minimize the pain. Is staying in touch the solution?

Read more: Leaving and grieving/Being "friends" after a break-up

          and US: Contact with our BPD after the breakup
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Breathe.
taniasofia

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« Reply #16 on: January 18, 2016, 11:14:10 AM »

Hi T,

It's a question that comes up here, with lots of different experiences depending on the relationship dynamics and the person with BPD, and learning some of the skills can also help. This is from Lesson 3 in the sidebar to the right ----->

1.4 Can we be friends despite the break-up?

A question everyone naturally asks. Break-up hurts and we want to minimize the pain. Is staying in touch the solution?

Read more: Leaving and grieving/Being "friends" after a break-up and US: Contact with our BPD after the breakup

Thank you for the links! Smiling (click to insert in post)  all of this is still very fresh reading these will deff help!

         
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MSNYC
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« Reply #17 on: January 18, 2016, 04:51:58 PM »

Hi, all

I broke up with my ex due to the sh-storm that was his BPD coming out full force after he stopped taking his meds and started to do a ton of drugs and fly into intense rages interspersed with lots of love. We were NC for two months, and have recently rekindled a friendship.

My only advise is to be very mindful of the dynamics of this "friendship." In my case, he has certainly tried quite hard to swallow up a lot of my time, which could easily lead us back to what we used to have, and I am trying to avoid that. This is difficult, because I enjoy spending time with him so much - so what I usually do is see him when I have plans later, so that the amount of time we can spend together is capped. There's also lots of troubling behavior around him using tons of drugs, hanging out with 20 year old girls (he's 40), drinking like crazy. If I am around this behavior a lot I know it will awaken my inner codependent to try and "help" him and that's not for me to do.

Keeping him in my life as a friend is probably not the wisest thing to do - but I'm doing it anyway because of the enduring care and love I have for him. (I am also putting myself out there and dating again.) However with the right amount of thoughtfulness and boundary-setting, it has so far (knock on wood) not caused any drama.
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Newton
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« Reply #18 on: January 18, 2016, 05:19:35 PM »

taniasofia I'm glad you chose to post again... .Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)

I can appreciate how frustrating her response appears when so much is at stake... .so much water under the bridge between you both... .so important whether you hear from her/don't hear from her... .and then her finally reaching out is simply asking you do possibly do her a 'favour'. (I think she was sounding you out to see if you were still 'available' to her... .it really isn't about you.)

This behaviour is very familiar to me... .if you read other members posts I'm certain you will see this pattern of behaviour from their partners during separation... .

PwBPD are experiencing the world in a very different way than you and I on an emotional level... .she is being genuine when she asks if you can provide consistency (I eventually realised this meant me providing the 'correct' validating reaction to her mood swings and outbursts... .and being as useful as possible for her)... .it had little to do with what I wanted the relationship to look like... .she simply wasn't capable of providing this.


I know all of this information is upsetting... .it can be very empowering too!  Smiling (click to insert in post)

People here have had a very similar experience to you... .it's important you are provided with the facts of what you will be choosing if you decided to reingage with her.
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