Home page of BPDFamily.com, online relationship supportMember registration here
May 17, 2021, 03:03:45 PM *
Welcome, Guest. Please login or register.

Login with username, password and session length
Board Admins: Harri, Once Removed
Senior Ambassadors: Cat Familiar, I Am Redeemed, Mutt, Turkish
  Help!   Groups   Please Donate Login to Post New?--Click here to register  
bing
Depression = 72% of members
Take the test, read about the implications, and check out the remedies.
111
Pages: [1]   Go Down
  Print  
Author Topic: My NPD/BPD ex is backing me into a corner.  (Read 1326 times)
GreenEyedMonster
*****
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 720



WWW
« on: January 17, 2016, 11:19:39 AM »

My ex is looking a little desperate for his narc supply.  He has been stalking me online 2-3 times per day for the past months.  Now he heard I might be seeing someone else.  Back in October, he told me that if I went to the same party as him, he considered that "unwanted contact" and he would try to get a PPO against me and try to get me thrown in prison.  Then he disappeared for a while.

Now he is back, trying to beat me to RSVPing to parties with my friends.  I now have a choice.  I can face him and give him "supply" -- either love or fear -- or I can stay home alone and lose my friends.  He didn't like it that I had the upper hand by moving on, so now he's taking control back.

My friends say I should just go to show that he doesn't control me.  I'm torn, because I don't want to be put back into his meat-grinder side show again.  Thoughts?
Logged
thisworld
******
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 763


« Reply #1 on: January 17, 2016, 11:49:04 AM »

Back in October, he told me that if I went to the same party as him, he considered that "unwanted contact" and he would try to get a PPO against me and try to get me thrown in prison. 

This and his delusional ways seem to be controlling elements for you and he is consciously exploiting the former. To gain your control back, you need to relieve yourself from the bonds of this PPO threat. What would happen if he gave you one? You wouldn't lose anything in terms of friendship, your friends would stop inviting him if they want to see you, that's all. Are there any legal, social effects? Would he really able to get one only on the grounds that he told you not to come to certain parties?

You can either soften the communication with positive supply given slowly and increased gradually (this will not happen overnight) or scare him to the point of relocation. You say he is delusional. What could be the repercussions? Which ones would you tolerate, which ones you wouldn't? It always helps to tolerate a bit to get what you want in something else. You may have to pick your battles.

At the moment, he is playing freely because there is nothing he will lose - careerwise, friendswise etc. You are complying with his wishes and he knows that this is pissing you off. You've got to give him something to lose -positive supply or fear of something. Only then he will (maybe) register that he may want to change his behaviour.

Do your friends know about this unwanted contact/PPO thing or are they inviting him unknowingly? Why is he getting invited by your circle? Why do your friends think you are not attending to their parties? 

 
Logged
fromheeltoheal
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Broken up, I left her
Posts: 5642


« Reply #2 on: January 17, 2016, 12:34:33 PM »

Hey GEM-

I have nothing to add to what thisworld said, except when you say
Excerpt
I don't want to be put back into his meat-grinder side show again.

 That indicates you're relinquishing control before the interaction even starts, and that may be a good place to start, a good place to start taking your power back, by looking at how you frame your views of the situation.  It's not easy with folks with personality disorders but that's the good news really, an opportunity: if we can get good at dealing with that without giving away any power, we can do it with anyone.
Logged
AsGoodAsItGets
***
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 173


« Reply #3 on: January 17, 2016, 01:05:57 PM »

Just show up to the events with someone your dating, it will eliminate the stalking fantasy.  Good luck
Logged
GreenEyedMonster
*****
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 720



WWW
« Reply #4 on: January 17, 2016, 03:29:53 PM »

Just show up to the events with someone your dating, it will eliminate the stalking fantasy.  Good luck

Oh I would love to do this.  I have considered this as an option.

My parents are EXTREMELY angry that we might have to spend money on fighting this creep.  They are not sure what I should do.  I know that in my state a PPO can be fought without a lawyer (and filed without a lawyer).  I am consulting my union on whether or not it could affect my employment.  If it would, they will get a good lawyer for me if he files a PPO against me. 

He has a list of all the times I initiated "unwanted contact" with him on his laptop that he once printed out and mailed to me to intimidate me.  None of it constitutes "harassment" under our state laws, according to a lawyer friend of mine, but he will try to bring me to court, harass me there, perhaps perjure himself.  All of his examples are from last October or earlier.  He hasn't heard from me even a little bit since then.  I think he is just bored now and wants a play toy.

I introduced my ex to my dad by explaining that my dad was "an old military man with a shotgun."  My mom suggested that I RSVP that I am bringing a date and then show up with my dad.  That sounds absolutely wonderful 
Logged
thisworld
******
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 763


« Reply #5 on: January 17, 2016, 04:12:25 PM »

Hey GEM,

Showing up with your Dad sounds like a fantastic idea, all the better if the shotgun shows up as well. Please tell your Dad that he is more than welcome to artsy festivals in my little town if he wants to deal with these guys one by one:))

I wouldn't respond with "bringing with a date" if that's not the only option. This might condition him before he actually comes there, then he may be confused and paralyzed at the event but eventually he will get the idea that you are playing with him. That may be A) Narcissistic supply because you are playing a game, which may not improve your situation. B) The funny emotional situation he finds himself in may anger him later because it's a loss of control (NPD don't have the best sense of humour in these things), which may not improve your situation. C) He may think you actually don't have a date to bring there, which may or may not improve your situation:))

I have always found it useful to approach these situations like curriculum planning, going backwards from the goal. If the goal is to scare him through your father, what could be the other alternatives of doing this? (Indirect methods included)

How about giving him a PPO first? Would his threatening or unhealthy communication serve a basis?

Best, 
Logged
GreenEyedMonster
*****
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 720



WWW
« Reply #6 on: January 17, 2016, 05:19:39 PM »

The reason I said in the title of this post that he's backing me into a corner is because he gets his narc supply either way.  I avoid the event, and it shows him how powerful he is, that he can make me stay home.

If I go, then it shows him that he still has a hook in me.

That's why I'd like to go with a date, if possible.  Because that's the winning card for me.  Either that, or I have to go and discipline myself to thoroughly ignore him.

Or bring my dad.  Mwahahaha.

He said he will bring me to court just for the RSVP, to a host who isn't him.  Nice huh?
Logged
thisworld
******
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 763


« Reply #7 on: January 17, 2016, 05:36:12 PM »

I agree with him GEM, how dare you respond to events and cannot control your rapid eye movements at events Smiling (click to insert in post)

I think the narcissistic supply perspective applies only if you agree with that perspective and remain in that domain. You can actually do whatever you want and even have your everchanging truth abut it. For instance, you can simply be indifferent and that can be your truth no matter how he understands it. If you go with a date, nothing prevents him from thinking that you are trying to make him jealous. He can continue this forever if he likes. Yet, there is truth outside his supply economy. At one point he will have to adjust or he can forever think that there is a game going on - but I think someone new reduces the emotional strength of this thought for them.

If you want something from him - friendship, safety, etc- narcissistic supply is probably the only route anyway. I don't know about his delusions, volatility and danger potential, but unless you feel threatened like that, narcs can be quite good activity friends sometimes if you adjust your communication and expectations.

I don't think you are completely cornered; there are many things you can do.
Logged
GreenEyedMonster
*****
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 720



WWW
« Reply #8 on: January 17, 2016, 05:48:49 PM »

Step A is to assess the danger potential.  That means waiting for my union lawyers to get back to me and find out if this guy can damage my professional license or my career with his accusations.

Step B is to carry on as if I don't give a care in the world about where he is or what he does.  This might mean sitting a long way away from him in the restaurant on that evening and paying him no attention.

I have sensed for about a month or more that he's trying to get my attention and is disappointed when he hasn't been able to.  To him, everything I do is self-referential, so it is all a game. 

Both of the other guys I was dating didn't turn out to be so hot, so I can't bring a legit date.  (Shame that I just cut one of them loose.  Bad timing.)  If I bring my dad, my ex will probably dysregulate very badly and become psychotic in front of the group.  That would be memorable.  Probably not in a good way.

Logged
GreenEyedMonster
*****
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 720



WWW
« Reply #9 on: January 18, 2016, 09:49:28 AM »

One of my friends has agreed to get his agreement to see me in writing.  That helps a lot.
Logged
thisworld
******
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 763


« Reply #10 on: January 18, 2016, 09:59:57 AM »

Excellent already. That would be proof against PPO threats, wouldn't it?
Logged
GreenEyedMonster
*****
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 720



WWW
« Reply #11 on: January 18, 2016, 10:16:25 AM »

Excellent already. That would be proof against PPO threats, wouldn't it?

Not sure.  I had that kind of proof last time, and then he changed his mind to say that being alright with "seeing me" did not include me looking at him, and only applied if the gathering was hosted by the person he sent the message to.
Logged
thisworld
******
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 763


« Reply #12 on: January 18, 2016, 02:30:05 PM »

I wonder what the lawyers of the union will say. "Not seeing him" seems to be more difficult than seeing him, with such intricate details designed  by him. I'm wordless.
Logged
Herodias
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 1787


« Reply #13 on: January 18, 2016, 03:41:49 PM »

Isn't this all ridiculous that we even have to go through all of this! So sorry... .what are the chances HE would have a date? Will he actually go through with a PPO? Mine was all talk, no action. They actually don't really like dealing with the police. Is it possible that you two take turns going to friends events? I think it's hard to lose friends when there is a break up. Just when you need them the most. Luckily mine don't like my ex and he really doesn't have any friends. I hope you can get something worked out... .it will be horrible to go on with this long term. A friend of mine didn't speak with me anymore after he and his partner broke up. I know it was because I work with the ex partner and he didn't want any chance of his stuff being told to the ex or hearing anything about the ex. He just wanted to move on. I think they divided up their friends ... .kind of sad, but I suppose it happens allot. Good luck... .let us know how it turns out.
Logged
GreenEyedMonster
*****
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 720



WWW
« Reply #14 on: January 18, 2016, 05:25:58 PM »

I wonder what the lawyers of the union will say. "Not seeing him" seems to be more difficult than seeing him, with such intricate details designed  by him. I'm wordless.

I think that's the whole idea.  First he was punishing me for wanting too much from him, and now he is making my life difficult if I avoid him.  He wants control.

Dividing up the gatherings would require agreement and communication, and also presumes that he is fine with me avoiding him, which he might not be at this point.  He just likes everything on his terms.
Logged
thisworld
******
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 763


« Reply #15 on: January 18, 2016, 05:49:01 PM »

And how about organizing your own parties (maybe in function rooms in pubs so that he doesn't learn about your new address from common friends) or dinners out so that you get to see your friends a bit more than usual and he isn't invited? I don't know whether he would be unreasonable enough to learn about these events and manage to appear there "accidentally" and still attempt to blame you and I don't know how valid a reason that would be legally in your country; but maybe, after consulting a lawyer, you could even send notes to him stating that you respect his wishes so feel obliged to share with him the information that you will be at X location with some friends on X date and even if you could leave, it would be too harsh to leave people without a host and you thank him in advance for his understanding. You also politely state that for  future purposes, you are bcc'ing a copy of this e-mail to your lawyer:))

Just a thought. 
Logged
Can You Help Us Stay on the Air in 2021?

Pages: [1]   Go Up
  Print  
 
Jump to:  

Our 2020 Financial Sponsors
We are all appreciative of the members who provide the funding to keep BPDFamily on the air.
40days_in_desert
Ahquei3s
alphabeta
Amethyste
Angie59
ArtistGuy70
AskingWhy
assumezero
At Bay
Avanzando
Baglady
Beneck
bigredneck
Bittlecat
Boll Weevil
calmboom
Cat Familiar
Chosen
Dnmtnbkr
drained1996
Eggshellsbroken
FaintTheGoat
FaithHopeLove
FindingMe2011
Forgiveness
freespirit
GaGrl
ggGreg
Gift to Myself
gotbushels
Harri
hopeandchoices
I Am Redeemed
Imatter33
Jazzy48
jdc
jones54
Jonthan
Katrinalove
Kwamina
l8kgrl
LLgreen
Longterm
lorymac
lovenature
loyalwife
lucidone
Manifest32f
MariannaR
Meridius
Methuen
mgirl
Minttea
Mommydoc
Mutt
narcdaughter2
needPeace
NorseWoman
Notgoneyet
oceanheart
oftentimes
Omega1
once removed
Only Human
otherlife
palynne
PeacefulMom
Pedro
pest947
podsnapG
ProudDad12
pursuingJoy
Radcliff
Raul
Recycle
Resiliant
Rev
Rosheger
Sad4Her
SamwizeGamgee
Sandalwood
SBBayArea
SCM
SerendipityChild
SES
Silverhope
Skip
songbirdtwo
StillStuck
Swimmy55
Teno
townhouse
truthbeknown
turtleengine501
Ventak
vinnie77
Violet00
wavewatcher
wendydarling
WhatJustHappened?
Whichwayisup
whirlpoollife
Wicker Man
WindofChange
worn_out
WTL
zachira
zaqsert

Powered by MySQL Powered by PHP Powered by SMF 1.1.21 | SMF © 2006-2020, Simple Machines Valid XHTML 1.0! Valid CSS!