Daughter is missing for the 3rd time

[unicorn2014]

  everyone, I'm from the coping and undecided boards.

I  have a d15 who has really escalated her acting out in the past two weeks. She has run away from home 3 times and is currently at large. She is in another city that she is not allowed to be in, I've been communicating with her by text. I've been reading the book parenting your out of control teenager about runaways and safe houses and my d15 is definitely at one. I just added an app on my phone that allows me to block certain numbers and turn off her data so I'm trying to flush her out. I've been on the phone with the police again today and am waiting for a call back.

I divorced her father a decade ago, he has  untreated bipolar that he self medicates  and now she is telling me she wants to either live with her father, my brother or a relative.

I have full custody.

She only called her dad once yesterday, and has not called my brother at all so she's lying.

She was supposed to see her dad tomorrow.

Yesterday afternoon she had my permission to go to a movie with a friend and come home.

Yesterday her dad called me and asked me why she could see her friend and not him. She had called him right before the movie started. I said she hadn't seen her friend in a month because her friend had been grounded and I didn't want her on the bus at night in the rain (we have a winter storm in our area and neither one of us have a car).

My daughter is telling me she needs a break from me, she doesn't want to live with me anymore. Its very hurtful. I told her I'm not abusing her or neglecting her so there's no reason for her to be acting this way.

I'm going to tell the police officer she needs to go to juvenile hall. I've had enough: shoplifting, being caught smoking marijuana, running away 3x. I told her if she wanted to be emancipated I would help her towards that but she doesn't want that, she wants to live with someone permissive who will let her do what she wants and take care of her.


I even gave my daughter the name and address of the youth shelter I went to at her age and told her if she needed to go somewhere she could go there.

She's just basically trying to get her way and she's got a safe house with either an emancipated minor or incapacitated parents who are harboring a run away minor.

I've never had to deal with this before.

She is totally trying to pit me and her dad and my brother against each other and since I am afraid of her dad  I'm really at a loss here.

I realized if her dad calls me I'm going to have to give myself 5 minutes and come up with a BIFF statement as he is a very difficult person. (I found out after the divorce from my former therapist that my ex has sociopathic traits)

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[infiniteeyes]

Oh I am so sorry you are going through this 

My DD has went missing overnight once or twice and i know that was unbearable, the anxiety and stress.

You say this is the third time this has happened? Where didi she end up before?

Is she seeing a psych or anyone for her marijuana use?

My DD is also addicted to weed and as Ive began to realise will lie steal and cheat her way to get it no matter what.

It is so hard watching them go through that and being helpless to hope. Are the authorities searching for her?

[unicorn2014]

Oh I am so sorry you are going through this 

My DD has went missing overnight once or twice and i know that was unbearable, the anxiety and stress.

You say this is the third time this has happened? Where didi she end up before?

I do not know, the first time she said she spent the night walking around the city, the 2nd time she came home 5 hours late, actually this is the 4th time she's gone missing, there was one other time when she said she was at a friend's, she didn't show up at the friend's.

Is she seeing a psych or anyone for her marijuana use?

No, she refuses treatment and since her father is a drug dealer she has a built in defense mechanism.

My DD is also addicted to weed and as Ive began to realise will lie steal and cheat her way to get it no matter what.

It is so hard watching them go through that and being helpless to hope. Are the authorities searching for her?

They contacted her and she ignored them. We can not find her. I know what city she is in but that is it, I don't know where her safe house is, but I know this is the third time she has been there.

[donnab]

Jeez I remember the unbearable anxiety when my dd used to run away.  I'm so sorry unicorn that you are going through this. I know just how unbearable it is. My suggestion is to take some care of yourself right now, easier said than done I know. But once you have done everything you can for someone else it is time to look after yourself.

I don't know if this is helpful to you but I have been reading "Stop caretaking your BPD/Narcisisst" and last night the paragraph I was reading said when your BPD loved one is in emotional turmoil you CANNOT take whatever they say as being a reflection of you because they are seriously mentally ill. Because we can find their behaviour so irritating and annoying and upsetting we think they are doing this on purpose but they are doing it because they are ill. I guess it doesn't make it better but it gives me some solace to realise I don't have to listen and be hurt by the things that are so hurtful x

[js friend]

Hi unicorn2014,

My dd21 began running away from home too when she was also 15yo, and her reasons were identical to what you mention... .She made me the problem. "She didnt want to live like a prisoner anymore, She didnt want to be around me anymore, I never allowed  her go anywhere, She had more friends than me and I was just jealous because I didnt want her to have any friends" etc etc. All hurtful but try to remember that it is the illness talking and a way fro her to justify her behaviour to herself and to others.

My dd at that age would have rather have slept on anyones floor rather than be home in her nice warm bed. Nothing I said or did changed anything when she did come home, she was always plotting another chance to run away again.

As Donnab has said it is good to remember that our children  have a serious mental illness. They have no idea or even care about the physical and emotional toll all this worry does to us. One thing one minute and another minute it is something else. Dont be too hard on yourself. It may be time to take a different course of action as you say. You know your exh better than anyone so maybe it is better to get a third party involved if you are scared of him.

I hope things improve this new year for you.My sympathies are with you as you are doing all you can to deal with a serious seemingly unrelenting situation.

[raytamtay3]

Wow - I've been exactly where you are unicorn.  And that was when I made the heart breaking difficult decision of having my DD go to an RTC and putting the wheels in motion to accomplish that (Juvi to shelter to two different RTCs over the course of two years).  That might be something you have to do as well to protect her from herself as she is out of control right now and that might be the only jarring thing, well that and medication, to put her on the right path.

We are here for you as many of us have been or are going through exactly what you are.  I will do my best, personally, to help steer you in the right direction to try and help with the situation whether it be just to give you support and let know that I've been there, and am currently in the management stages of it, to giving advice on how to use the resources out there (depending on where you are located).

But know you are not alone.  

[unicorn2014]

Jeez I remember the unbearable anxiety when my dd used to run away.  I'm so sorry unicorn that you are going through this. I know just how unbearable it is. My suggestion is to take some care of yourself right now, easier said than done I know. But once you have done everything you can for someone else it is time to look after yourself.

I am and thank you.

I don't know if this is helpful to you but I have been reading "Stop caretaking your BPD/Narcisisst" and last night the paragraph I was reading said when your BPD loved one is in emotional turmoil you CANNOT take whatever they say as being a reflection of you because they are seriously mentally ill. Because we can find their behaviour so irritating and annoying and upsetting we think they are doing this on purpose but they are doing it because they are ill. I guess it doesn't make it better but it gives me some solace to realise I don't have to listen and be hurt by the things that are so hurtful x

I do appreciate that. I read that book because I also have a disordered partner (and a disordered ex and disordered parents), so I know the drill. Its hard to think of my daughter in the same way but I can see what you are saying is true. I truly believe that personality disorders are generational.

Part of the problem in my situation is because my ex thinks doesn't believe his own diagnosis is true (bipolar) it makes it very hard to talk to him about mental illness. He was willing to consider that her marijuana use might be tied to mental illness, but then he did what he did for himself, said the drugs caused the mental illness as opposed to the mental illness caused the drug seeking behavior. I told him she has not smoke enough marijuana to be suffering those kind of effects.

My ex also criticizes me for getting professional help.

I did pick up the phone and call him this morning and ask him what he was doing to see if our daughter is with him but she was not so then I had to tell him she was missing again. They were supposed to do something today. True to his disorder, he hadn't called me. A couple of days ago he attacked me for "not letting him see her" because it was raining out and yet today was the day I gave him full permission to see her and I was the one who called him.

It is a very complicated web.

He seems to think if we sit down and talk to her that is going to stop her bad behavior.

I told him before we sit down with her we need to respect each other's opinions.

He thought it was ok to disagree in front of her. I said we need to keep our differences of opinion to our ourself, if we are going to meet with her it is to try to find out what is going with her, not tell her what we think.

It is exhausting to have to be the emotional leader, and while I haven't been living with him for a decade, that hasn't changed the dynamic.

[unicorn2014]

Hi unicorn2014,

My dd21 began running away from home too when she was also 15yo, and her reasons were identical to what you mention... .She made me the problem. "She didnt want to live like a prisoner anymore, She didnt want to be around me anymore, I never allowed  her go anywhere, She had more friends than me and I was just jealous because I didnt want her to have any friends" etc etc. All hurtful but try to remember that it is the illness talking and a way fro her to justify her behaviour to herself and to others.

My dd at that age would have rather have slept on anyones floor rather than be home in her nice warm bed. Nothing I said or did changed anything when she did come home, she was always plotting another chance to run away again.

As Donnab has said it is good to remember that our children  have a serious mental illness. They have no idea or even care about the physical and emotional toll all this worry does to us. One thing one minute and another minute it is something else. Dont be too hard on yourself. It may be time to take a different course of action as you say. You know your exh better than anyone so maybe it is better to get a third party involved if you are scared of him.

I hope things improve this new year for you.My sympathies are with you as you are doing all you can to deal with a serious seemingly unrelenting situation.

Ty

I was able to call my ex this morning because she was supposed to be with him and while I didn't see any call or text activity on her phone its possible she could have used someone else's phone to contact him. I have to remember that she doesn't have my prefrontal cortex so she couldn't be more clever then me

Talking to him was frustrating as ever as it was full of blame, he said I told you I wanted to get together with her and talk. I told him that before we get together with her and "talk" we need to put aside our own personal differences because if we argue in front of her that's not going to accomplish anything. He seemed to think it was ok to disagree, I said not in front of her.

My ex doesn't believe in mental illness. He was diagnosed with bipolar after using PCP and he thinks that it was the PCP and that he doesn't have a mental illness. My former therapist identified him as having sociopathic traits (not being a full blown sociopath, kind of like having BPD traits but not having enough to get the diagnosis).

My ex said he thinks our daughter probably has a boyfriend and is having sex because that is what he would do at her age. I said she said she is not  as I had asked her a couple of times. I told my ex I needed him to be open to the possibility that she didn't and wasn't and that there may be something else going on.

My ex attacks me for getting professional help.

It is very hard to talk to him and usually I avoid it but in this case I was being preemptive, I had given him permission to see her today (I have full custody with reasonable visitation).

I told him when she got caught shoplifting at the mall a couple of years ago the police recommended a parenting class for out of control teenagers. My volunteer's supervisor at the parental stress line recently recommended the same class regarding my daughter's last two disappearances. I told my ex I had made a call into that class and he was welcome to join me if he wanted to. I didn't want to take it then because it is a night in a different city and that means I'd have to leave my daughter home alone, but she is older now, and still acting out, so now I feel more comfortable leaving her home alone at night for a few hours to get the help I need.

Again, my ex denigrates professional help. He's a very difficult person to work with.

[unicorn2014]

Wow - I've been exactly where you are unicorn.  And that was when I made the heart breaking difficult decision of having my DD go to an RTC and putting the wheels in motion to accomplish that (Juvi to shelter to two different RTCs over the course of two years).  That might be something you have to do as well to protect her from herself as she is out of control right now and that might be the only jarring thing, well that and medication, to put her on the right path.

Thank you, my daughter so far has not been sent to juvenile hall despite being caught shoplifting, being caught smoking marijuana, and running away three times. Perhaps the police are confident in my ability to handle her.  This is the fourth time she's gone missing. She got cited for the shoplifting and got cited for the second  time she went missing.

She is still currently in a missing person database.

The police may still think I can handle  her on my own so I need to get all the help I can.

I also have my first session with my new individual therapist on Wednesday and she is an MFT intern who is familiar with my story from DBT.

I am also doing my 4th class of DBT this year and it is really helping, and probably the most helpful. It is a godsend that this week's homework is on one mindfully, nonjudgmentalness, and effectiveness. I am really using those skills right now to get me through this crisis. Both my partner and my daughter's best friend's mom praised me for how I am handling this and that is directly a result of DBT. (DBT really helps the other person in the relationship with a disordered person too.)

I was able to tell my ex on the phone that I needed him to be open to the possibility that there was more then normal teenage stuff going on with our daughter. He is very much against professional help and mental health diagnosis, that attitude cost him his marriage to me, but I still have to deal with it because he is the father of my daughter.

I had put off calling him to the last minute but I finally called him this morning since he was supposed to see her, and true to form he just woke up. If I was in his shoes and this was the first time I could see my daughter in a couple of weeks I would be up at the crack of dawn. He likes to attack me for not letting him see her (which isn't true) and yet when he can see her he's not proactive. Its very illogical. My ex is a very emotions driven person which forces me to be hyper logical with him to prevent chaos. I have to work very hard not to get into an argument with him.

Its very difficult to be sandwiched between a disordered ex and an acting out teen.

[raytamtay3]

Wow - I've been exactly where you are unicorn.  And that was when I made the heart breaking difficult decision of having my DD go to an RTC and putting the wheels in motion to accomplish that (Juvi to shelter to two different RTCs over the course of two years).  That might be something you have to do as well to protect her from herself as she is out of control right now and that might be the only jarring thing, well that and medication, to put her on the right path.

Thank you, my daughter so far has not been sent to juvenile hall despite being caught shoplifting, being caught smoking marijuana, and running away three times. Perhaps the police are confident in my ability to handle her.   This is the fourth time she's gone missing. She got cited for the shoplifting and got cited for the second  time she went missing.

She is still currently in a missing person database.

The police may still think I can handle  her on my own so I need to get all the help I can.

I also have my first session with my new individual therapist on Wednesday and she is an MFT intern who is familiar with my story from DBT.

I am also doing my 4th class of DBT this year and it is really helping, and probably the most helpful. It is a godsend that this week's homework is on one mindfully, nonjudgmentalness, and effectiveness. I am really using those skills right now to get me through this crisis. Both my partner and my daughter's best friend's mom praised me for how I am handling this and that is directly a result of DBT. (DBT really helps the other person in the relationship with a disordered person too.)

I was able to tell my ex on the phone that I needed him to be open to the possibility that there was more then normal teenage stuff going on with our daughter. He is very much against professional help and mental health diagnosis, that attitude cost him his marriage to me, but I still have to deal with it because he is the father of my daughter.

I had put off calling him to the last minute but I finally called him this morning since he was supposed to see her, and true to form he just woke up. If I was in his shoes and this was the first time I could see my daughter in a couple of weeks I would be up at the crack of dawn. He likes to attack me for not letting him see her (which isn't true) and yet when he can see her he's not proactive. Its very illogical. My ex is a very emotions driven person which forces me to be hyper logical with him to prevent chaos. I have to work very hard not to get into an argument with him.

Its very difficult to be sandwiched between a disordered ex and an acting out teen.

In our state and county making sure she ended up in the legal system was the only way we were able to get our DD the help she needed.  Might be yours too.  Thankfully the judge involved in our case knew we needed the help and helped us by facilitating RTC.  Our DD never got in trouble for shoplifting.   We pressed charges when she started stealing my mother's Xanax which got the ball rolling towards the end result we wanted - court ordered RTC = 90% paid for.

[unicorn2014]

In our state and county making sure she ended up in the legal system was the only way we were able to get our DD the help she needed.  Might be yours too.  Thankfully the judge involved in our case knew we needed the help and helped us by facilitating RTC.  Our DD never got in trouble for shoplifting.   We pressed charges when she started stealing my mother's Xanax.

Yes that is what her guidance counselor said, so I will email him and tell him she ran away again.

Part of the problem is my ex is also in the legal system, and while I try to minimize my interaction with him, he is still her father, and he still wants to see her so I have to deal with him in addition to her regarding her behavior.

There is criminal behavior on both sides of her family, my side (my brother, my cousin) her side (her father, her uncle, and others). My ex has sociopathic traits, and my daughter is showing some of those too, which is too much to get into right here and now.

I am doing everything I can to try to address what is going on with my daughter, with no family support. My family does not believe in mental health care and neither does his. I am the only one who has ever sought professional help and either side of the family. 

My ex  comes from a culture that does not value or believe or trust in mental health care, as does my mom. They both come from the same religious background, although my mother did not raise me in that religion herself, she left it when she left home, as did my ex.

Its very challenging.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[raytamtay3]

I feel your pain on the whole ex and father situation too.  

I knew something was off with DD from a very early age (3).  My ex fought me tooth and nail when I wanted to do early intervention and his controlling and mental abuse won out and I never pursued getting her the help at that time.  UNTIL - we divorced (DD8).  But even then we had 50/50 custody which inhibited my ability to go the route I thought needed to be gone. .  UNTIL he decided he couldn't handle her anymore and gave me full custody.  Yes he still has rights as her father.  But I have legal and physical custody so I was able to make the decisions in that respect.

You do what you feel you can.  I'm not one, and lord knows I have no right to say, 'oh you should do this' or 'you should do that'.  That is up to you and your situation.  But do know that there are options out there should you chose and should your jurisdiction allow them.

The thing that keeps me keeping on personally is that I am still financially and legally liable for DD until age 18 (or later after I check the laws of my state as another poster posted that in their country/state it's 21).  After that time it's up to her.

[unicorn2014]

I feel your pain on the whole ex and father situation too.   

Thank you, I think I am detached enough not to feel any pain from it but I do feel anger.

I knew something was off with DD from a very early age (3).  My ex fought me tooth and nail when I wanted to do early intervention and his controlling and mental abuse won out and I never pursued getting her the help at that time.  UNTIL - we divorced (DD8).  But even then we had 50/50 custody which inhibited my ability to go the route I thought needed to be gone. .  UNTIL he decided he couldn't handle her anymore and gave me full custody.  Yes he still has rights as her father.  But I have legal and physical custody so I was able to make the decisions in that respect.

I have had full custody of my d15 since the divorce. I separated from her father when she was 4.5 and filed for divorce immediately. Parental rights are only in word, if you have full custody, you have full legal and physical rights as do I. The way my partner explains it is anything and everything I give to her father at this point is a courtesy. I owe him nothing. I have my partner's help to help me through the FOG on that one. I do not know if my ex has bipolar or borderline. He was diagnosed with bipolar after using PCP before I met him and he believes that was the drugs. I believe the opposite, that the bipolar was causing him to use drugs, as he has continued to use drugs. That is what cost him his marriage to me. It is possible he has borderline. My former therapist said he has sociopathic traits, which I looked up and which correspond to antisocial personality disorder as opposed to borderline personality disorder. I think antisocial PD is even worse then borderline PD. Lucky me.

You do what you feel you can.  I'm not one, and lord knows I have no right to say, 'oh you should do this' or 'you should do that'.  That is up to you and your situation.  But do know that there are options out there should you chose and should your jurisdiction allow them.

I am doing everything in my power to bring my d15 home. I emailed her guidance counselor again. He has said in his experience the juvenile justice system helps in cases like these.

The thing that keeps me keeping on personally is that I am still financially and legally liable for DD until age 18 (or later after I check the laws of my state as another poster posted that in their country/state it's 21).  After that time it's up to her.

I too know the difference between having a minor child and an adult child. I've been going to an Al-Anon meeting for parents for years when my ex was the problem and not my d15.

I appreciate your posts. I am glad I met you. There are parents of borderlines in the Al-Anon meeting and I've talked to them a couple of times but they are very much wrapped up in their own daughter and not able offer much help.

I see that my daughter's guidance counselor responded so I will let you know what he says.

[SoSoSoTired]

Have you tried finding her location by using Internet sites that tract the latitude and longitude of phones? 

hackolo.com/how-to-locate-someones-location-using-their-mobile-number

The police can subpoena her cell phone records and determine which cell phone tower her phone has been "hitting" to determine a somewhat precise location.

[unicorn2014]

Have you tried finding her location by using Internet sites that tract the latitude and longitude of phones? 

hackolo.com/how-to-locate-someones-location-using-their-mobile-number

The police can subpoena her cell phone records and determine which cell phone tower her phone has been "hitting" to determine a somewhat precise location.

I've had the police and AT&T calling her for two days. I know what city she is in. She's hiding out at a "safe house". I told her I expect her home tonight as school is back in session tomorrow and so are track sign ups. I have no idea what she is doing. I've had three friend of her look for her in the city she is in and they can not find her. I believe it is possible she is with an older guy.

She has been ignoring her father and her friends, she's been communicating with me to let me know she's "fine" whatever that means. She doesn't get that she doesn't have the right to do this and that she is a missing person.

I emailed her kindergarten school counselor and asked her for help.

I've pulled all my daughters records from kindergarten to the present day.

I've asked her high school guidance counselor to do another IEP for her. She may not have a learning disability but she had some at risk traits  in 4th grade that I believe have now reached a clinical level.

I don't know of any of you have watched Fringe but there are several episodes where people are walking time bombs. Whatever radioactive isoptopes or biochemical warfare she has been carrying around inside of her something has activated it and she has gone nuclear. This is the longest period of time she has gone "missing" as she thinks she has the right to go where she wants, when she wants, with whom she wants.