I disagree with the way my BPD wife is parenting but she won't budge

[Dragon72]

I don't think this belongs in the Co-parenting after the split section because we're still together.

Our son is 2 years and 3 months old.  My wife continues to feed him formula milk from a baby's bottle two or three times a night and she continues to sleep in his room where there is a cot and a bed. Sometimes she has him in the bed, sometimes in the cot. 

Since before he turned 1 year old, I argued that he needs to be sleep trained to not need to get up for formula feeds in the night and to be able to sleep alone.  I argued that it's best for him to learn independence and best for us as a couple, because I feel that a wife should sleep with her husband, not with her son. Resentment has built up.

Every time we visited the paediatrician I raised my concerns and the paediatrician backed me up fully. However, my wife won't budge, arguing that "He's only little!" and "Why won't you let me enjoy him while he's still a baby" and "He needs me" and "He's thirsty at night".  She won't accept that she's only making things worse by continuing to stick a milk bottle in his mouth whenever he wakes in the night.  Now she won't take our son to that paediatrician.

I have sent her multiple links to paediatricians' websites explaining why, when and how to sleep-train and explained how I will support her in sleep training our son, but she just won't listen to me or the experts.

What do I do to get through?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Notwendy]

One of the many reasons not to give a bottle of milk to a child his age is that there are teeth. A nursing infant can have milk in his mouth all day long without concern of teeth rotting.

A child with teeth needs to have them wiped off or brushed at night before bed and then only water. When milk is in the mouth constantly it can lead to teeth decay. Google milk bottle carries for pictures.

I imagine that the pediatrician has brought this up many times. I'm a mom so I heard this, and also knew a couple of kids who had the carries because of too long milk bottle feeding. If the child has issues with the bottle, then at least putting only water in it at night can help.

But you probably already know this. The more you push against your wife, the more she is likely to dig her heels in. The more the pediatrician pushes this, then you see what she does.

I don't advocate any harm to children and would call social services if I suspected any harm on a child, but so far, there is no evidence that your wife is really hurting the child at this point.

So, IMHO, I would back off, because pushing it leads to her coming up with an opposite stand. By backing off, you will give her the space to come to her own conclusions. Given the space, she may agree with weaning him and act as if it was her idea. For her to accept it, she needs to think it is her idea.

It is also possible that your child will want to give up the bottle, as he sees adults drinking in cups and wants to bea  big boy.

In the worst possible scenario, there would be visible tooth decay. I hope she does not let it get this far. This is visible evidence of neglect and that is a scary, but sadly, possibly the only lesson that may work with her. When you push against her, she focuses on you as the enemy. In this case, she'd have to be responsible for the decisions.

Naturally, get immediate help if you think the child is in danger. For now, there is a bit of time to back off this issue and give her space to decide without focusing on opposing you. When you take this stand you invalidate her as a parent. When you say " You are able to make the best decision for baby" you give her the chance to do so.

[Dragon72]

Thanks notwendy.  I guess that's good advice.

What I really can't stand is the fact that in so many areas of our relationship where there is a difference of opinion, it's her way that prevails because the more I opposed the less she yields. 

I feel passionately that she is doing long-term psychological damage to our child who will grow up overdependent on his mother and with a pretty messed up view of the mother/father relationship dynamic.  And I feel powerless to do anything about it. 

[sweetheart]

Hi Dragon,

I'm a mum to an 8yr old boy, married to a man with BPD.

I'm coming at this as a mum who believes in attachment based parenting. Our son was in with us, initially until 8mo attached to our bed by my side. Then he co-slept with us until he was 3yrs. He then transitioned into his own room and bed without any difficulties. He went through a brief period of night terrors when he was 4 1/2 so he came back into our room for about a month.

He is, given some of the issues of living with a parent with mental illness, a lovely, independent confident little boy.

I wonder if your w doesn't know how to separate from your son, it's hard letting go especially if she has her own issues. Whilst I don't want to invalidate your concern your son is still v young, how is she in other areas of parenting, toilet training, playing, general parenting stuff? Do you have concerns with her abilities here?

Separating from your child is hard as I have said, it might be that she's needs some additional help and support to guide her. Do you have family health visitors ( I'm in the UK ) , they helped me lots as our son had feeding issues?

I will add some links for you later but am just going off on school run.

You can still post in co-parenting as well it's not just for those who've split up.

[formflier]

 

Hey, Notwendy has great advice on this.  To back off.  Best to give little nudges here and there and if they don't work, don't take a stand, until it really matters.

So, you have some work to do in order to figure out what really matters to you.

We co-slept as well and did well with it.  Not much bottle feeding.  Transitions to othlr rooms and beds has gone fine.

So, I really don't want to offer much other advice until you get clear in your mind if this is a big deal or not.  If you are not ready to "got to the matt" on this, it is best to focus on tools, keep level of conflict low in the house and look for opportunities to "nudge" in the right direction.

FF

[LilMe]

I sense your concern and frustration and wanting what is best for you child.  I also know from experience how hard parenting differences with a pwBPD can be.  I hope you can come to some type of compromise on this issue without a lot of damaging conflict!

I have quite a few children.  Many of them are grown now.  I also followed more of a natural parenting style and bed shared with all of mine.  They all seemed to transition fairly easily to their own bed in a room with siblings in the 2 1/2 to 3 age range.  It is a fairly Western, modern thing for very young children to sleep alone.  My older children are now all very independent teens and adults.

The dental problems from night-time bottles of formula are very real.  Water is the only acceptable night-time drink.  Showing her pictures of bottle damaged teeth would definitely get the point across!  A visit to the dentist is definitely needed.  I try to take mine at around 1 year old to make sure all is well and get them acclimated to the dentist.

I agree that your approach could be making the issue worse.  Maybe you could offer your wife some proactive, positive solutions.  Offer to bring the tot a drink if he wakes in the night. Point out how nice it would be for your wife to get a good night's sleep for once.  :)oes she have a more experienced mother friend/mentor she might confide in and possibly listen to?  I am sure if you thought about it you could come up with some other ideas too.

Let us know how it is going!  

[Dragon72]

Thanks everyone for the good advice. 

I do think this is an important issue for me, which is why I don't like to concede.

I feel like every major family decision, including about the welfare of our son, ends up with me having to back down. 

I understand that BPDs can't stand being invalidated, but I have to say that it's pretty tough for me when I never get listened to when it comes to things I feel are important.

Seeing as she seems to feel the need to reject my point of view, I will have to recruit 3rd parties to do my arguing for me.  I could work on some of her family members (she has no real friends) to talk her round, I suppose. 

But a part of me doesn't like the deviousness of that method, especially if she finds out I have been talking about her behind her back.  Plus I find it so sad and disappointing that my wife might only find an idea acceptable if it doesn't come from the person she married for better or worse.

[formflier]

 

Dragon72,

Hey man, listen.  If "being listened to" means that she does what you ask, well, I wouldn't go there.  Even in a healthy r/s that is not a good plan.

If "being listened to" means that you get input and influence in decisions and you both budge to find a solution, then you are doing well, and stick with it.

If she flips you the bird and does what she wants then there is some serious work to be done if you are going to be a stayer.

Which of those categories are you in?

What lessons have you read?

Note:  Best to "argue your case" by first understanding where they are at.  Listen.  Get on same team.  You are listening for two things.  The info and the emotion.  Validate the emotions.

That will help drop the temp.  Perhaps with temp dropped you can nudge things towards your beliefs.

Anyone diagnosed?  In therapy?  Past therapy?

I've got 8 kids with a pwBPD.  Currently having a flare up (I see some other senior members chuckling at the polite way I put that) so I'm quite familiar with the pain and frustration of trying to parent with a "my way or the highway" type of person.

FF

[Notwendy]

Dragon-your concerns for your sons mental health are valid. At the moment though he is not at risk for being a mamas boy be being attached to his mom at his age. The best thing you can do for him-IMHO is work on your marriage. This includes working on yourself especially if you have any codependent tendencies. Being an emotionally healthy parent yourself can make a positive impact on your child.

It is frustrating that your spouse will listen to anyone but you. My elderly mother with BPD refuses to take any advice from her kids -in fact it triggers her and she feels invalidated . Yet if her hairdresser's great aunt's neighbor suggests something it's the best advice ever.

My H (traits ) let me take charge of the kids. This was not his interest. However with money - he would not hear a word from me. Once I was at the bank and the banker asked me to give him a message about an account. I knew that if I said it, he would reject it. I replied back that it was better for him to contact my H. Fortunately  my H is very competent so I can stay out of a lot of things, but even suggesting a different route when he is driving to can cause a reaction. Once he went off because I suggested using a different credit card. Letting go isn't the same as WOE - it is letting them figure thing out by themselves even if it isn't how you would do it.

With kids it is tough to stay out but for differences that don't have dire circumstances it is probably better to let some things go.

[Dragon72]

I was really hoping for a partnership when I got married, not a marriage where I'm the boss and my wife is my servant.  That's a horrible thought.  I'm really not the dictatorial type.  I just want my opinion to be recognised and for us to form a consensus decision where we differ.  But I don't think she knows the meaning of the word "compromise".

In the past when we have had bust-ups, usually initiated by me expressing frustration with the way she acts, it has ended up with me making concessions about my behaviour, apologising for not taking the trash last night and her not yielding anything.  She has never said "sorry" to me ever.

I have read the lessons, and I have tried to put them into practice.  But I still find it so tough to live like this.

I find that if I try to be less codependent, this is interpreted as adversarial and triggers more negativity from her towards me.

[Notwendy]

I have found partnership a hard thing to negotiate- at least my idea of it. My H seems to feel engulfed or hen pecked if he goes along with me. He can fight a suggestion just to keep control. That's not my wish but I have to respect the he needs that boundary.

Fortunately the most important thing to me is the kids and that is my domain, so I can let go of a lot. I can't imagine what I would do if I thought they were not safe. It's a big value to me.

[leggomyeggshell]

I'm in the same boat, it sucks not being valued as an equal member of a relationship and then sometimes having to apologize for stuff you feel they created in the first place.  I've discussed this with her and she is quite happy that it remain a dictatorship rather than a democracy.  It wasn't what I wanted in a relationship either but I have the choice to stay or not.  Since I am staying there are certain concessions that need to be made.  I'd probably let her win on most of the stuff you mentioned, hopefully this fixes itself before any significant damage occurs.  Sometimes the pwBPD has an actually logical plan to deal with the situation that she hasn't told you about.  I hope she has an endgame for how to convert this sleeping arrangement when the time comes.  As others mentioned, sometimes subtle nudges over time can get them to come around even if it doesn't appear they are hearing you or cooperating at the time.  It can be better than a major confrontation which should be reserved in extreme cases.  Also, I would personally not involve any third parties yet to help nudge her to this decision as it will be obvious that it came from you since it is the exact issue you have been telling her about.  This could result in her feeling persecuted and defiant about this issue which could lead to her having a major dysregulation any time that issue is brought up even years later, as well as you being isolated from contact with the third party that attempted to intervene.

[formflier]

In the past when we have had bust-ups, usually initiated by me expressing frustration with the way she acts, it has ended up with me making concessions about my behaviour, apologising for not taking the trash last night and her not yielding anything.  She has never said "sorry" to me ever.

Big picture theory to thing about.  Please don't put into practice without more discussion.

Please consider not expressing frustration with words.  Express your frustration with your actions.

If you are being talked to in an abusive way, take your ears elsewhere.  You control your ears.  You don't control her mouth.

Really think about what you control and focus your energy there.  If you focus energy on making requests or trying to talk her into something.  Well, you are going to waste a lot of energy.

Taking energy out of conflict is usually a good plan.

FF

[Dragon72]

I go out and earn all the money for the family and get no say in how it will be spent. I get home at the time my son goes to bed (7pm) at which time Mrs Dragon goes to bed with my son in his room.  So I spend my evenings alone, go to bed and sleep alone.  Wash, rinse, repeat.  When I am around at the weekend, I help out around the house with the housework which she says she hasn't time during the week to do, in spite of her not working and our son going to nursery school for 5 hours every weekday.

And any attempts by me to have a say in how things get done, even with my own son, are shot down in flames.

It's left me, bitter and lonely and fed up.  If I can't express my frustration, I'm not sure what I can do.

[waverider]

I will raise a  for you here. You can argue the pros and cons about bottle feeding and that level of supervision for a toddler, but there is a bigger issue. Your wife's inner insecurity is causing her to project her needs on to the child.  If it hasn't already set a president it soon will.

She will start to, if its not already happening, get her needs met by say your child needs it. This develops into helicopter parenting were the child is constantly having his needs dictated to.

Your child will start to believe his needs are what his mother tells him they are. It could stunt his ability to identify himself as an individual.

She could turn him into an emotional accessory, even turn him against you.

Her emotional draw and need for him will be strong, it will be difficult to come between them, but you must, not as a divider but as a redirecter of her emotional needs. 

Dont get hung up on individual issues, watch for the pattern.

[Dragon72]

Her emotional draw and need for him will be strong, it will be difficult to come between them, but you must, not as a divider but as a redirecter of her emotional needs. 

You are 100% right about everything, which is why I am so worried about my son's wellbeing.  But I just don't know how to intervene when she's so resistant and reluctant.

[Notwendy]

You can express your frustration, but IMHO, it doesn't work. pwBPD can't handle their own negative emotions well and so being in the presence of anger and frustration is likely to get those feelings projected on to you. This is how they handle bad feelings- by project them. Expressing them at them is kind of like pissing into the wind.

It sounds like things are tough, and you are not just the bank. However for anything to change it will have to come from you. At the moment, your wife has no incentive to change. Why should she?

IMHO, the best person to express your frustration to is a therapist- someone who can help and support you to make changes. It may not make sense- she has the mental illness, however, her mental illness is running the show here, and it won't change until you learn the skills to do so. A T can help you do this. A competent T could be a wise investment in your sanity and well being.

[formflier]

Yes, get a T ASAP.

And start thinking about big picture stuff but take no action until you are sure.

Here is the thing.

You make the money and you get no say in how it is spent because you have chosen to allow this to continue.

Stay big picture with me here.  You control where the money goes, it's yours.  So you could unilaterally decide to giver her so much for herself and so much for you and so much for family.  I'm not saying do this, just think a bit.

Where most of the nons get tripped up is they want to wait until the pwBPD agrees with them that the money should be split a certain way or that they will be happy.

That's not your choice to make.

Think about it.

FF

[Notwendy]

While I think your situation is unfair to you financially, taking this attitude You control where the money goes, it's yours.   is also not a path to a happy marriage.

I've experienced both extremes. My mother is like your wife. I would never want to be like that because I felt it was very unfair to my father.

However, my H has taken the other attitude and it has felt very demoralizing. I work hard in the house but get no paycheck for what I do at home to say " I earned this" I do get a household allowance that we agreed on, but the idea of him "giving" it to me, makes me cringe. The man didn't change a diaper or wash a dish and I wish he saw that what I did counted for something. The food that appears on his dinner plate, cooked and ready is bought at the store by me out of that budget, then I cook it and clean it up. The fresh towels he uses when he showers and the clean sheets on the made bed he crawls into were washed by me. Yet somehow he gave me that money?  

If I bring this up, his argument is that he gives me enough. It isn't the amount. It is that, with the idea that since he earns the money it is his to control,  I feel more like his employee than his partner. We have brought this up countless times, but this is how he wants it to be, and he has no desire to change. Since he does earn the money, he does control it basically. It would be up to him to let me share that. I think he is good about supporting the family, so it isn't a complaint. I am grateful. I think it is more that I wish for partnership but I don't think he does.

I mentioned the T because, I could not have moved out of my co-dependent hole without her help. When I started, I was afraid to not cook dinner, say no to sex.  Most any conversation about changing would lead to circular arguments. I can say it is much better, because I am not as co-dependent but it is a work in progress. I have made time for self care and pursuits of my own interests, as well as been able to say no sometimes, but I still do struggle with that.

Since your wife is not being fair to you, I think boundaries with money are necessary. However, I think a T could help you accomplish this in a way that is sensitive to both of you.

[Dragon72]

Well at the moment this situation is this.  For the last year she has manipulated me into emptying my account and handing over every penny to her each payday so that she can manage the money.

Now, I don't believe she is ripping me off, as I can more or less see where it all goes.  I don't earn a lot and so generally we just about break even every month.  However, I would at least like a say in where we prioritize expenditure, and there's no transparency.  When I do ask for an explanation of our financial situation, she does it literally, and I mean literally in its proper sense, on the back of a napkin.

A couple of days ago, at the last payday, I announced I was going to manage the money this time and I showed her a spreadsheet I had created explaining where it was all to go and invited her input.  Immediately I saw her defenses fly up and she refused to cooperate, saying "No, I don't want to be involved if that's your attitude, you manage it all from now on."  And she refused to engage in conversation when I try to plead with her to work with me, not for me.  So her strategy was "all or nothing".  "All" (she keeps 100% control).  "nothing" (She says "No, YOU do it all", knowing that she would make me feel like a controlling ass if I take full control).  She's not accepting the deal which I am offering, which is cooperation.

I never wanted control over the money. I can't manage everything on my own. There's various things I need her to arrange that I physically can't as I am at work.  Besides, the whole point is that I want it to be a team job.

So what's happened is I've caved in to her emotional blackmail once again and given her the money to deal with.  I feel pathetic that I have buckled once again under her emotional blackmail and we're back at square 1.

The same goes with any compromise I ask for with the way we raise our son - which prompted me to start this thread.

If I had a secret source of money, I would consider a Therapist. But it's not looking like an imminent thing.

[formflier]

 

Dragon72,

Hey, give it a couple weeks before attempting to change things.  My hope is you can work with Notwendy, me and others on here to "sweeten up" your strategy.

Perhaps get you a DEARMAN set up (go searching in the lessons for it) or a SET or something like that to open the conversation.

I see you are at 19 posts.  Something that you will see on here is more senior members discussing and offering suggestions for you to apply to your situation.  Others with similar experiences will learn from you learning.  It's the beauty of bpdfamily and a well managed "collegial" discussion.

So, I'm not arguing with Notwendy, but I'm expanding on my and her point.

I'm sticking by my big picture statement that you need to clearly understand the reality that it is your money, your choices and if you are not ok with where your money is going that YOU have 100% control over it.  That is your reality and I would argue is the reality from the point of view of outsiders. 

What I'm seeing as Notwendy's point is that if you take that attitude to a "table of compromise" where you are trying to work this out, that would be a poor relationship skill on your part.

That she is claiming all or nothing, is a poor skill on her part.

If you want a change the general theory would go something like this (get your popcorn and enjoy a fictional FF BPD story)

dragon: "Hey, I would like a change, something that feels more equitable.  Please think about a few solutions that you would feel comfortable with"

dragoness:  "you are controlling b@stard and don't trust me, if that is the way you feel you do it all"

dragon (pause, deep breath focus on slowing things down, )  Dragon also realizes now that it is not about the money, it is about her emotions.  She will not be able to focus on the money until you "soothe" the emotions around this. 

dragon:  Validates strong emotion and maybe uses some active listening to make sure she is being heard.  Evaluates if he found validation target or not.

Dragon:  Continues to focus on listening for emotions and is purposeful in disengaging.  "I'm glad I better understand your feelings on this.  Let's get together on Thursday afternoon (couple days away) when we normally have time to talk and create some solutions to try."   Maybe some outgoing validation, but end it.  Focus on keeping the talks short.  You won't solve this in one sitting 

Thursday afternoon rolls around.

Likely will act out to sabotage.  Validate and disengage.  Attempt restart after 15 minutes.  Don't not accuse of sabotage, be very nonchalant about it.

If she brings solutions to the table that make it more equitable, take most of them.  Focus on getting on her team, hearing her. 

If she doesn't bring solutions to the table it's time to inform her and to not back down.  critical you not back down once you start down this road 

Dragon:  "I'll be making a change on this date.  I value your input and if you choose to be part of creating solutions for this, I will be available to discuss it (insert a deadline before the change).  End conversation and move along

OK, FF story is over for now.  Big theory is that you "change the default".  This is what will happen if YOU (the pwBPD) don't act.  Then stay away from it and let them make their choices.

They won't do it very well, but if they try, honor it.  If they are obstructionist, don't fight over it.  You proceed.

FF

[Dragon72]

Thanks FF. 

I think this is great advice and I appreciate you and everyone else taking the trouble to help.  Really much appreciated.

I will give things a few days to cool off and then try to reassess the strategy.

In the meantime there's an awkward atmosphere at our house, in that I find it difficult to show affection towards my wife right now. 

This is partially a childish retaliation on my part for her withdrawal of affection from me which she has done by spending most of her time in our son's bedroom in the evenings, and by busying herself with tasks in different rooms when I am around in the day times.  It's also partly because I feel so bitter about being emotionally manipulated all the time and it's hard to feel loving towards someone who makes you feel like crap and to blame all the time.

This I am aware is a vicious cycle as it's only going to make her feel abandoned and want to retaliate in turn.  Yet I also don't want to "reward" her behaviour with affection either. 

[Notwendy]

Money, and how to share/manage it in a relationship is a frequent source of conflict in couples, because there is an emotional component to it.

In a situation where there is black and white thinking, it is hard to reach a place of cooperation. With black and white thinking, there are only two choices: all the control or none of the control.

Yet each one of these choices is not an emotionally healthy choice in a relationship. As happens in a couple, one can be willing to compromise and the other may not. In general, I don't think family obligations are split 50-50. One person may do more in one area and the other one another. Sometimes it isn't even. But couples who can communicate effectively can work things out. So communications issues are at play.

I agree with FF that you should take back some control of the money. However, it is the relationship dynamics that make this hard to do.

To me, people with BPD feel the world is a dangerous place and that people are unfair to them. Even though it looked like my mother had everything she wanted- control of all the money, her needs met first, and no responsibilities as far as housework or a job, she still believed that my father was unfair to her.

Something that happened when we were dating that I thought was odd was about a refund check. We were students, so money issues did not come up much and our funds were not combined. We rented something ( don't remember what, maybe something on vacation) and their was a deposit check refunded to us. We had paid 50-50 for it. The refund came, but the check was in his name. He didn't tell me he got it, and put it in his account. Some time later I asked " did we ever get the refund" He said yes, and told me he deposited it in his own account. This led to one of the early circular arguments about this- with me asking " didn't you think you should tell me?" and his reply was "no, the check was in my name. It's my money". No amount of discussion could change how he saw it.

This didn't come up again until we were married and at first, we both had equal incomes, and put equal amounts into the account. Then as kids came along ,I cut back and his income increased. He didn't get any connection that, his ability to work- and earn money- without concern for the kids or house ( he didn't help) was helped in part by the fact that I did it which meant I earned less. Him using the income inequality between us to gain power in the relationship was damaging.

[formflier]

I will give things a few days to cool off and then try to reassess the strategy.

Weeks, seriously.  Think in terms of weeks.  Read lessons, figure out how to turn the temp down in your r/s.

You are right to ease up on the affection.  Don't chase.  So, instead of walking around giving her big hugs and looking for a smooch.  Stop by with a glass of water for her, a gentle touch on her arm, say something pleasant about something not in your r/s and move along.

Do you know her love language?

FF

[Dragon72]

I have no idea what her Love Language is.

I just took the test for myself and I scored highly on Words of Affirmation and Physical Touch.

[Notwendy]

Dragon, it is hard to feel affectionate when we feel resentful. That is something we can work on. Giving up too much of ourselves and not taking care of our own needs leads to us feeling resentful. So long as you feel you don't have a say- that can lead to resentment.

However, waiting for your wife to say " OK, I am done with having all the say and having all the control, you can have it , is likely to be waiting forever. It isn't likely to happen. You will have to be the one to make changes in yourself to start on the path of changes.

The disorder does not change, but the effect it has on you can if you learn about self care and boundaries. It is a lot to learn  but it is worth the effort.

[formflier]

 

Keep it to yourself.  Might be good to "find it" online and see if you can get her to take it while hanging out or something "spur of the moment".  

Don't rush this, the right time will present itself.

FF

[waverider]

When in conflict over "control" issues often it is not primarily about being in control. It is often insecurity and fear of being controlled. Grabbing control for themselves is simply a way of warding this off.

Any statements along the lines of "I have it under control/dont worry I have it hand" etc will make it worse as that will be heard of I have control over you. As it is all about them.

"I can help you with X so you can concentrate on Y" often works better that way you are confirming they have control over something while at the same time helping them (but actually diverting them), in reality you are clearly dividing tasks into separate compartments that you both have control of individually. This appeals to black and white thinking without overriding there control.

If they can adapt to this, black and white thinking will cause them to let go of what they are not dealing with and focus 100% on what they are.

You are not taking away or lessening their control, simply redirecting it to give you some space for your own input.

Working together in the same area will cause drama, which is one of the reasons many pwBPD cannot fit into a work place.

[Dragon72]

So this morning our 2 years 4 months old son has a cold.  A common cold.  He's in good spirits, has no fever whatsoever, just sneezy a very runny nose with green snot.  I'm no doctor, but I can see it's a common cold, for which, famously there is no cure.

My wife has taken him to see the doctor.  We live in Mexico and many pharmacies have a doctor who provides free consultations in an office in the pharmacy.  This is where she has been taking our son since our paediatrician started saying things my wife didn't want to hear.  She has gone there in the past when he has had a mere cold and come back with a bagful of medicines including antibiotics, which tend to get given out on request in this country.

I am afraid that he is being prescribed inappropriate medicines, and that he is not building the resistance to minor illnesses that his body needs.

I have no doubt that my wife has our son's best interests at heart and that she wants to "go nuclear" with the medicine to kill the sickness.  But I fear that it will have a long term negative effect on my son.  Also I am worried that it is contributing to the ticking time bomb that inappropriate antibiotic use is creating for the future, when most bacteria will be resistant to antibiotics.

But as usual, I can't get through to her.  She's got her way and I got the highway.  I feel I can't just bite my lip on this. Or should I?

[Notwendy]

First of all, assess is the child in danger? When you start pushing your idea of what you think is best for your child, your wife may take an equally strong opposition stand if she feels you are being controlling about what she feels is her decision.

This may not be logical. I can ask my H to do something, and he can dig his heels in on principal. This happened with dishes. I do them most of the time, at this point all of the time, because arguing over it was not worth his doing them. To him it meant being "whipped" a pansy, or whatever he was thinking. If I bring it up he says "I do the dishes" Yes maybe 5 times in decades, but whatever.

It isn't about the dishes but his perception of what doing the dishes would mean to him. To me, it was just a plea for help once in a while with something I do all the time.

I don't know how your wife perceives your input into her child care. I have had my mother with BPD pitch a fit if I make a suggestion about something, because she feels it is a criticism about her.   My H tends to see this as a personal affront too.

For you, it is about the child. For her, it is a criticism of her and she will push against it.

So step back. You have a point to your suggestions, but is your wife's way really going to damage the child? Sleeping with him at 2 isn't a problem. Now, if he is 15 years old, you have a problem, but I think long before then something will change.

What did the pharmacist give her? Is it an antibiotic or something for the cold like a decongestant? Even so, one time use may not have the long term affects you fear just like being enmeshed at two won't necessarily lead to long term emotional issues. Yes, I agree with your concern, but getting into these conflicts where he isn't in dire danger with your wife may be leading to her digging her heels in even more. There's a balance between giving in too much and letting go of the things that don't matter. It's tough to know, for sure.