Feeling hopeless to protect my children.

[LilMe]

My uBPDh painted me black about a year ago when I stopped reacting to him and started consistently enforcing a boundary against physical or mentally punishing the children (7 and 8).  He will paint me white for a few hours or even a few days, but those times are getting further and further apart.  I do my best to avoid conflict, but he sometimes follows me around saying insane, projecting things to me.  Even if I say nothing or try to exit the room,he will not stop and the children cry and beg him to stop.  The last 'session' started Sunday afternoon when he got angry with a woman at church, and continued until he left with a friend this morning.  Yes, he was angry at someone else, but taking it out on me - calling me her name, a lesbian feminist, claiming I said the things she actually said, etc.  I honestly think he is on a dry drunk and/or having some type of psychotic episode.

Quick history and why I feel helpless.  At a point when his drinking and violence toward me had escalated to out of control (binge drinking for days at a time, passing out while I was at work and the children were 3 and 4, etc).  I managed to leave.  He immediately started AA, a domestic violence program, marriage counseling, and charming.  He also, without telling me, hired a high powered lawyer and served me with a 50/50 parenting plan.  I applied for legal aid (since I had no money) but was turned down because they counted the income of the friends I was staying with as mine so I didn't qualify.  In the end I stupidly signed the agreement.  He acted like he was taking the domestic violence program seriously, but it was just a performance.  The children did not do well spending several days at a time with him and cried when they had to go back.  Then I found out I was pregnant.  When I told him he immediately contacted his lawyer and planned to take me to court as soon as the baby was born.  I gave up and came back when she was born.  I felt I had no other option to protect the baby and the other children.

While I was gone, I went to counseling and tried to work with our local DV shelter.  They are wonderful people (the director is a good friend, actually) but couldn't offer any resources other than counseling and a free place to live.  At the counseling sessions, the counselor told me stories of other local women who lost custody to their abusive spouses/boyfriends.  No stories of success.  So discouraging.  Knowing that things are escalating here I have been searching for hope online and oh boy, no hope their either.  I also think I have a bit of PTSD concerning court after being smashed in court when divorcing my first husband.  The only positives are my children, and the fact that I am dealing with how/why I got into these situations.

I can't just sacrifice my children, but do I have any options?  uBPD is extremely smart and high functioning and has money.  He totally projects his behaviors on me and completely believes his skewed reality!  He is friends with several lawyers and judges in our rural county with a sick 'ol boy' network.  I have nothing - no money or property or financial resources of any kind.  This is his house and we are not legally married (ya', stupid!) so he can kick me out at any time.  I do have amazing support from friends and family.  My older children from my previous marriage have seen his abuse and would happily testify, but he hasn't allowed them around since before the parenting agreement, so I'm not sure if they can help.  Several people saw him hit me once in a restaurant, but wouldn't testify or give a statement because they 'didn't want to get involved'.  My ex took me to court to modify our parenting plan and it is in the new decree that uBPD is abusive, but that, again, was before the parenting agreement.  If I am correct, in a modification, only incidents that have happened since the agreement was signed can be used as evidence.  He has been investigated by child services and slithered his way out of it.  He is very smart and most of them are entry level recent college graduates.

Thanks for any suggestions.

[livednlearned]

I can really identify with the behaviors, LilMe. My ex was also high-functioning BPD, also an alcoholic. I think the combination of (binge) alcohol and BPD can definitely lead to psychosis. I heard things and saw things I never knew were possible when my ex was in that state. So hard to describe to people who haven't witnessed it.

By losing custody, do you mean sharing joint custody? This is important to differentiate -- I'm embarrassed how long it took me to get my head around how custody is carved up. Where I live, there is physical custody, legal custody, and legal custody can be further carved up into decision-making, including what areas are included in decision-making. Typically, in many states and/or counties, the courts will award 50/50 by default. Are you trying to get full custody?

[LilMe]

Sorry I wasn't clear on the type of custody.   The parenting plan is 50/50. He had them 3 days, then me 4, then him 4, then me 3, etc. 3 or 4 days is too long for them to be alone with him. He is also legally blind and lives 15 miles from town. 

I am not sure what would be best for the children. He can be a great father, but dysregulates very easily. He always disciplines in anger and when I'm not around, hits them with a stick on their legs or pokes them hard in the chest and verbally degrades and shames them. As long as I am here, he doesn't physically touch them. My fear is that he will soon throw me out. When he does, he will take me to court to add the baby to the parenting plan.

Thanks for responding!

[sweetheart]

Hi LilMe 

I can't really offer anything legally, I live in the UK. I am soo pleased you are posting on here.

One thing I would say if you don't do it already, is to journal, or keep some kind of record of the dysregulations, treatment of the children, you etc.

I wonder if you could record the treatment of you covertly on your phone, I don't know if this is possible, legalities, worthwhile. I'm sure someone here will advise you better than me. 

[Indyan]

LilMe,

What you're going through reminds me a lot of what's happened to my kids and me, and I know it's extremely difficult.

But hang on there.

I can't provide much legal advice (unless you're also in France) but I can advise you to IGNORE these negative comments.

In my case I had to decide to stop contact completely last year after X threatened me of "filing a complaint for child sequestration" (he'd already filed 2 complaints accusing me of violence), and after my holiday home was found shot with 7 bullets.

And even then, people told me all sorts of things. Including my lawyer who started off by telling me "this would be turned against me". Two months later, he was strongly advising me to "ignore that lunatic" ().

It is important to stick to what you believe is right for your kids. If I'd followed my L's advice, X would have taken baby for the day after 3 months of silence on my part... .and the judge wouldn't have taken me seriously. "You think X is potentially dangerous and you're leaving your baby to him?" was what I didn't want to hear.

So I gathered evidence as I could. It is difficult, because as you mentioned lots of people are scared (even more when they hear about shooting). But some people will help, so never give up.

I'll tell you the sort of testimonies I gathered and helped the judge understand how bad the situation was. Also, the report that my L and I wrote for the judge was 10 pages long. All the major events were described. People had told me "there's no point, judges don't bother reading all this". People also told me "testimonies didn't make a difference". All this is rubbish. The lawyer read everything IN DETAIL and even quoted things in her conclusions.

1) My D11 also wanted to testify of his violence, and she did through her psychologist. I think that really helped, as she told things that were written in the report for the judge.

2) My ex (D11's dad) testified about how good a mum I am, how easy it is to communicate with me and on how scared our D and me were when he saw us. If you can't get this from your 1st ex, get it from other people.

3) Showing the impact of his erratic behaviour on us. Lots of friends testified of our fear and my health. So did my doctor (I lost lots of weight). My friends also testified that I was worried about his mental health prior to our "break-up" (he just left).

4) Evidence of my numerous attemps to arrange things and communicate : counsellor, mails with arrangements, dates of visits (as he claimed that he hadn't seen baby for 6 months). I even tried a visitation at an abbey and the minister testified of X's agressiveness.

5) Doctor testified that baby was well. Friends said I was a good mum.

6) I also provided lots of mails, registered mails and photos of texts, showing how delirious he was.

Everything that you feel is "really not right" is important. It doesn't have to be a death threat.

All these look like little things but all added up it did make a difference. They do take a hell of a time to gather though.

BTW, my ex also found an expensive and aggressive lawyer. She told the judge I was a "narcissist"... .

What matters more is that your lawyer is familiar to the court where you'll be. I saw 4 lawyers before I found the right one. Some refused to hear that my ex was mentally ill, they said "it's hard to prove"... .My lawyer is not too expensive and has been working 30 years at this court. He knows the judge and she trusts him. She knows he won't defend rubbish.

Price is not all... .far from it :-)) But you have to select your lawyer well.

After a year of harassment and hell, I was told too that I suffer PTSD. I just couldn't face anything related to him. Mails, court, his presence, nothing at all... .:-((

I went to see an EMDR therapist 2 weeks ago and it has REALLY helped me. It is crucial to take care of US, to help support our kids of course, but also to gather the strength for what lies ahead.

I hope that helps a little, if you have any questions I'll be more than happy to help you!

Stay strong  

[LilMe]

Thank you for the support.  It helps me to know I am right to think that things are not right here and others can relate.  Sometimes he verbally beats me down until I fear I am the one that is so bad.

I have been trying to record some of this on my phone, but I am not very good at it!  I am somehow usually caught off guard by his dysregulation.  By the time I am able to get my phone, it is mostly over.  When I listen to what I record it is just him ranting about all the horrible things I do, which is mostly projection.  I did manage to get a really weird psychotic episode recorded.  Not sure what good it will do, but I will keep trying.

I feel like I have some type of mental block about keeping a diary!  I started one again today.  I will do my best to keep going with it.  I think my mind is so overloaded with mental abuse and trauma that I hard time remembering what happened once it is finally over.  Hopefully I am not losing my mind!  I will have to work harder to remember.

Unfortunately, there are only 20 or so lawyers in our county.  He and his ex have used at least a half dozen of those (so I can't use them), so I am thinking I will try to visit any left that offer free consultations.  I have a couple of times each week I drop the children at an activity and have an hour or so free.

The hardest part is trying to figure a way to get money!  I suggested I go back to work a couple of days a week, but he nixed it.  He hates me being away or doing anything without him.  I was working as a waitress and could tuck away quite a bit of tip money without him knowing.  That is how I managed to get away before.  On the one hand, I don't have to worry about being away from the children, but we somehow need to get out of here!

[Indyan]

Hi,

a diary might be too time consuming, personally I used a spreadsheet to keep track of the major events and dates.

It turned out really useful when explaining things. Lawyers and other experts (psychologists, policemen, social workers) always want to hear examples and specific info that proves you're telling the truth.

Also, you need to focus on the kids. His ranting is not that interesting to the judges, unless it shows real madness, or it justifies you running away and not contacting him until court (like me).

When we were at court, the judge asked him if he was mentally ill. He answered stuff ONLY about himself, and went on and on about how much I'd tortured him blah blah. Nothing about the baby.

When she asked me if I was violent, I answered and immediately talked about the way I raise my children.

I got this piece of advice from this board :-)

Again, I insist, small streams become great rivers. Noone might be able to testify what you've witnessed, but just one little thing. And someone else another thing and so on. Then the jigsaw gets clearer and clearer to the judge.

All the strength came from my faith, not even the associations helped me out of this. Being confident and strong is essential, as the message you're conveying is "I am the parent my kids can rely upon".

Having said this, both the psychologist and the social worker have told me I have PTSD. I'm still worrying about their conclusions that have to come up soon.