Brief intro & Hard to keep NC with public photos online and common friends...

[NYCIntrospect]

Hi all,

Really like this site and forum. 

I was meaning to post an intro, but something triggered me recently and I felt compelled to post.

In short:

-dated girl for about 10 months.  Something always felt “off” so I distanced myself and never fully immersed in the relationship although I grew strong feelings

-just under 6 months ago, we had a breakup that was odd and bewildering but on the surface “amicable”.  When we had the breakup talk, she acted so happy that we would no longer be dating (which I felt was incredibly insensitive and hurtful) but said we could still "be friends"

-post-breakup, small bits of contact here and there, but I was more confused than anything.   She would text and then disappear; suggest meetups that felt a little odd and then never follow up, etc.  We never did meet up, but I just couldn’t make sense of the relationship; it felt like closure was out of reach.  Luckily, I started seeing a wonderful therapist.  I described the relationship to him, and he was very quick to point out that she’s “not healthy” or right for me.  He described her as toxic.  When I asked him about BPD, he said a lot of her traits match those of a borderline, and a lot of things make sense to me now (as much as they can in these situations).  I realize maybe she’s not 100% BPD, but matches a lot of the traits.  She’s intelligent and highly functioning, but there’s a troubled past, lots of chaos in her life and she’s very manipulative and passive aggressive.  She badmouths her exes and has a string of failed relationships, confessed drug abuse, possible history of sexual abuse, and other potentially impulsive behaviors.   She doesn't understand or adhere to boundaries even post-breakup.  When we were dating, we argued and she would never admit wrongdoing and would turn things around on me.  She found small issues to get mad about and would start fights that were very confusing.  I'm convinced that the relationship and her behaviors did a number on me, but sometimes I need the affirmation and validation.

For over a month, I’ve had no contact, including ignoring her texts (and blocking her on my phone after her most recent request to "catch up", not checking her social media (she’s blocked on Facebook), and generally looking into my own issues, reading, getting counseling, and dating again.  Overall, I’ve done well, but feelings still linger.  It’s less of a longing, but now I feel anger and some resentment.

This past weekend, there was an event I wanted to go to (with a date), but I know she tends to go to this venue a lot, so I avoided it, not wanting to see her. 

Where I weakened was that I checked the event’s photo album (public on facebook, no login required), and I saw a photo of her with a new guy, and now I feel like I took a step back.  Feelings have returned and I keep thinking about her again.  It sucks.  I'm sad, angry and resentful. 

Has anyone else experienced this?  Is it technically breaking no contact?  It’s so hard to adhere to NC in a strict form when social media has public pages.

Does anyone else feel anger toward their ex?  Bitter that we have to avoid places we like in order to avoid them?

[Herodias]

Yes, mine just deleted all of our pictures off his fb. Made me feel like I didn't exist, even though he called me today and he did that two days ago! Yes, it's breaking no contact. The point is it's really hard to let go when you keep looking... .

[Invictus01]

Ah, yeah, those breakups tend to be rather interesting. Mine was via a 4 line text with a smilie face at the end, then a complete drop of contact until she needed something from me. A little over a year after the breakup, she is engaged to somebody else.

As far as anger and all that - the first several months I felt just about every feeling you can think about, anger was one of them. Pretty normal if you ask me.

[UserName69]

This past weekend, there was an event I wanted to go to (with a date), but I know she tends to go to this venue a lot, so I avoided it, not wanting to see her. 

Where I weakened was that I checked the event’s photo album (public on facebook, no login required), and I saw a photo of her with a new guy, and now I feel like I took a step back.  Feelings have returned and I keep thinking about her again.  It sucks.  I'm sad, angry and resentful. 

Has anyone else experienced this?  Is it technically breaking no contact?  It’s so hard to adhere to NC in a strict form when social media has public pages.

Does anyone else feel anger toward their ex?  Bitter that we have to avoid places we like in order to avoid them?

I used to feel a lot of anger towards my exBPDgf, I really hated her so much now I stopped hating her because I have moved on and started a new relationship with a nonBPD girl.

My exBPD always tried to make me jealous on Facebook, the thing is whenever a pwBPD post something on FB it is always the opposite of what they're claiming. Your exBPD wants to make you jealous with the other guy. What does this mean? This means she doesn't care about the other guy she uses him, she wants to hurts you so you beg for her. Stay in NC I believe that is the most horrible thing you can do against a pwBPD.

I know that if my exBPD has replacement it wont take long before she starts a fight with him and starts to cut her wrists (again) while I'm happy and enjoying my life with my current nonBPD. They do get hurt even more if they take a new replacement they don't even realize it, if they get hurt again they start over with an another victim so the cycle continues.

I have neutral feelings towards her this was the result of 9 months in NC and I will stay in NC forever. I really can't see why I should contact her, if she would find out that I have moved on and started a new relation with a girl I knew months before I broke up with her she would freak out. The best thing to do so is to avoid her.

Just see NC as a counter, as soon as it hits a certain number you won't care about her anymore BUT if you break NC the timer resets itself on 0 and it starts counting again. I can't even remember how many times I recycled the RS with her and when I look back I can say that it was a waste of time and energy.

[NYCIntrospect]

Ah, yeah, those breakups tend to be rather interesting. Mine was via a 4 line text with a smilie face at the end, then a complete drop of contact until she needed something from me.

It's odd that mine used smiley faces in her texts too.  And then disappeared.  Thank you for sharing your experience - it's validating.  It's the devil's smile in text message form - almost haunting.

[NYCIntrospect]

This past weekend, there was an event I wanted to go to (with a date), but I know she tends to go to this venue a lot, so I avoided it, not wanting to see her. 

Where I weakened was that I checked the event’s photo album (public on facebook, no login required), and I saw a photo of her with a new guy, and now I feel like I took a step back.  Feelings have returned and I keep thinking about her again.  It sucks.  I'm sad, angry and resentful. 

Has anyone else experienced this?  Is it technically breaking no contact?  It’s so hard to adhere to NC in a strict form when social media has public pages.

Does anyone else feel anger toward their ex?  Bitter that we have to avoid places we like in order to avoid them?

I used to feel a lot of anger towards my exBPDgf, I really hated her so much now I stopped hating her because I have moved on and started a new relationship with a nonBPD girl.

My exBPD always tried to make me jealous on Facebook, the thing is whenever a pwBPD post something on FB it is always the opposite of what they're claiming. Your exBPD wants to make you jealous with the other guy. What does this mean? This means she doesn't care about the other guy she uses him, she wants to hurts you so you beg for her. Stay in NC I believe that is the most horrible thing you can do against a pwBPD.

I know that if my exBPD has replacement it wont take long before she starts a fight with him and starts to cut her wrists (again) while I'm happy and enjoying my life with my current nonBPD. They do get hurt even more if they take a new replacement they don't even realize it, if they get hurt again they start over with an another victim so the cycle continues.

I have neutral feelings towards her this was the result of 9 months in NC and I will stay in NC forever. I really can't see why I should contact her, if she would find out that I have moved on and started a new relation with a girl I knew months before I broke up with her she would freak out. The best thing to do so is to avoid her.

Just see NC as a counter, as soon as it hits a certain number you won't care about her anymore BUT if you break NC the timer resets itself on 0 and it starts counting again. I can't even remember how many times I recycled the RS with her and when I look back I can say that it was a waste of time and energy.

Thank you for sharing - how do you manage the logistical / practical aspects of NC?  For example, I live in a smaller town, so it's bound to happen that I'll see a photo or maybe even run into her at some point.   I'm just frustrated that I have to restart my counter.  Although, I was silly enough to look at the event's photo album to see if I made the right move by not going to the event.  I'm pissed that I have to sacrifice my social calendar to avoid her. 

I don't really care about what she does with the other guy at this stage, and there's been more than one of them.  I hate to say this, it sounds arrogant (is this narc?), but he's no threat to me.  I have no desire to date her again.  I do hate her and get a sincere pleasure knowing that I ignored two of her contact attempts in a row (and they have been BS "how's it going" / "let's catch up texts", but still).  It's childish but comforting.

I've made good progress thus far, and the girls I've dated are an upgrade to my ex.  And they remark that I'm intuitive, introspective and self-aware to a level they don't usually see.  That feels good and is a byproduct of the learning lessons from this disaster of a relationship.  I'm just pissed I broke NC - and it was an ostensibly harmless, silly action that reset my counter to zero (that's probably a narc perfectionist trait too).