NC help with girl I like with BPD

[StraZiiN]

So I've been seeing this girl now for 4 months and she's suffering from PTSD and BPD. We had our ups and downs. Few times she said were done and I'll text her a few hours later and we made up. Sometimes I won't text her for a day and she will call me. One time I tried to end things and she had an anxiety attack then passed out waking up to her mom brushing her hair 20 mins later. When she says we're done and I don't text her the next day she's sad that I don't care about her since I never tried to get her back. But now things got really bad, told me to leave her alone and never talk to her again. It's been 5 days now and I'm thinking about texting her. Since I thought she would text me but maybe she's waiting for me? To show that I care since that all she talks about. Should I contact her? But I'm worried of getting rejected, but life is short and what's the worst thing that could happen. Or should I NC still so she's more 'nice' and I'm in control of things. Any suggestions? Thanks

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RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Turkish]

One time I tried to end things and she had an anxiety attack then passed out waking up to her mom brushing her hair 20 mins later. When she says we're done and I don't text her the next day she's sad that I don't care about her since I never tried to get her back. But now things got really bad, told me to leave her alone and never talk to her again. It's been 5 days now and I'm thinking about texting her. Since I thought she would text me but maybe she's waiting for me? To show that I care since that all she talks about. Should I contact her? But I'm worried of getting rejected, but life is short and what's the worst thing that could happen. Or should I NC still so she's more 'nice' and I'm in control of things. Any suggestions? Thanks

You tried to end things once. Then she ends it, but wants you to chase her. In my only recycle, she ended it. I took her at her word, then a day later, she said that if I loved her, I would fight for her. Confusing... .

What do you really want here out of this r/s? You posted to Saving, but there is the foundation for a pattern of recycling here.

[StraZiiN]

I'm looking to understand her so we can have a healthy relationship. She said she pushes people away that can't understand her and she's very hard to handle. But at times she told me to not care and she will like me more which I seen. Even before she had an anxiety attack and I texted her I'm busy give me a while. Then she blocked me for 3 days since she thought I was shady or for her abandoning her. Like she has 10x rank abandoning issues more then most. Mom, dad, sister, ex abusive bf. I just want to know if she thinks I'm abadoning her right now, if I text her it will show her that I'm not? I told her one night I would love to know you for a very long time and she keeps bringing that up. Also she ended things but told me we can be really great friends, still and I told her I'll pass on the whole friendship deal. But don't forget I wasn't 'dating her' it was exclusive. But we had a huge huge emotional connection

[Turkish]

After one "real" date, my ex said that she wasn't ready to be in a r/s. I never indicated as such during our nice dinner. I never even got the chance to go in for a hug. She started talking like this before we got into the car.

If you stay NC, this will reinforce her fear that you don't care about her. BPD aside, it would indicate the same thing if you dud it to me 

So why not send her a text? Keep it brief, something along the lines of, "hey, thinking of you [you're validating her worth to you] and was wondering if you wanted to grab coffee Saturday morning?" If she respnds with vitriole, then do what's best for you.

It's neutral, safe, and you've defined an event rather than leaving it up to her. Despite not wanting to be "controlled" in her words, she was an equivocator. It went better when I suggested things clearly defined.

What wouldn't go over well might be, "Thinking of you. Wondering if you wanted to get together sometime?"

The ray f hope I see here is that she is self-aware enough of her feelings to tell you. Believe her as she is. Take a look at the lessons on the Improving Board to brush up on your communication skills (lesson 3), and to learn more about BPD.

[StraZiiN]

Thanks! I'll take your advice and I just sent her a nice warming text now. I'll let you know what happens in a few minutes, either shut down, no reply or wanting to talk.

[StraZiiN]

Just sent now, took me 15 mins to read over my short message and not being nervous haha. Guess we will see. This has to touch her heart or she's careless or seeing another guy

[Turkish]

You've demonstrated that you cared. The wrong thing to do would be to text again if she doesn't answer. Respect her boundaries (and try not to be anxious if she doesn't answer for a day or so, she may need time to process it).

In the meantime, read through those lessons  

Also, it can drive us nuts to assume to much (I've been there, believe me). Think of it as you serving the ball into her court. Wait for the return.

[StraZiiN]

Yeah no reply , just sucks how much effort I put into it. We literally texted 14 hours every single day for 4 months straight 10 second replies. Calmed her down when she was crying, stopped her for getting back to her abusive ex. I was the reason she's doing good now I put her in the right direction, no one will ever cared as much as me. But honestly she was an ass to me, avoided me, danced with all my friends as the club. I wasn't aloud to talk to a single girl, while she's aloud to see guys but not aloud to have sex. Probably did. Controlled me a lot. I'm going to move on, not to sound cocky but I'm probably one of the best looking guys most people see haha. Asked for pictures at malls, model angencies asking me to model and me declining them. Guys admiring me like crazy plus I'm a fit guy. 20 years old by the way. I've been with hotter, sometimes I question myself if I even liked her or I cared for her soo much. She pulled me in by the victim card, I was her safe guy. I'm a bar star and so is she, I've been going same bar every weekend where she is. For months. I won't show up in a few months and I'll just deny her. Imma move on to other girls that's not 19 and immature. But thanks, you made me realize a lot haha. Only help I got from anybody. Told my friends but they don't understand since I can never say she has BPD or abandonment issues. To thanks! I owe you