Good or bad?

[Davy]

Hi guys.

After 10 days of no contact I reached out one last time.

I'm going on a date saturday night but felt a bit guilty because I'm not officially broken up with my suspected BPDgf.

So I tought to give it one last try before doing something I might regret.

I send a text asking her if she wanted to go get a cup of coffee saturday afternoon.

She replyd "I think I have time for a cup off coffee if you come to me. I absolutely dont want to come over to your house YET? Will you bring my sweater that I left?"

What do you think I should read in this? (keep in mind its a rough translation)

The fact she asks for her sweater could mean she is not planning on comming over ever? But She says YET? But olso ABSOLUTELY?

The fact that She finally wants to meet is great but I fear its only to break up with me. Even if so I get closure right.

Any tips on how to behave on our meeting? I was thinking greeting her with a kiss on the cheek? Try to keep it casual and not bring up the state of the relationship unless she does.

Just planning on having a good time with no obligations on either side. And not to ask her when I see her again. Just say it was nice to see her again and that i had fun and leave.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[tryingsome]

Hello Davy,

Some of my posts on this board have been a little bit harsh/blunt, so I am going to try to ease up a bit.

In regards to the ex, well I wouldn't expect any more or less than what you have in the past.

People can change, but usually only comes when one wants to put forth the effort.

She might be asking to reconnect, but I wouldn't expect behavior to change if you catch my drift.

I saw your other posts and now this about going on a date.

That's fine, but be careful. One can't make a relationship work if you have some in your back pocket.

Meaning you can't be all in if your not all in.

Be mindful of your heart and the heart of others. It's never quite fair to have it be in two or even three places at once.

Heal your heart and mind.

That's all the advice I can give. Either way, things do work out. Hopefully it doesn't sound too harsh. I can be a bit biting at times.

Cheers.

[Davy]

I should cancel the date no matter how it goes with my BPDgf.

If she does dump me I'll be in no state to date anyway and if it goes well than I'm going all in with her.

And tryingsome dont worry about being harsh with me. I prefer the hard truth over the sugercoated version. I can be a bit naive so its good to hear it from others.

[MapleBob]

You asked her to have coffee with you, and she agreed. YOU asked HER, so you should set the tone in this meeting. Her response sounds cautious, but willing, but is also very passive. "Sure, I'll have coffee with you, but I'm not going out of my way - and also, bring my sweater so that I have a reason to justify seeing you."

Honestly, I think that after 10 days of NC, and with you lining up dates with other women, you should go into this trying to establish clearly where you two stand.

[Davy]

That's the plan maplebob.

I'll be leaving to see her in half an hour so wish me luck.

I'm gonna be completely honost about how I feel and where I would like this to go. I'm gonna suggest to see a relationshipcounseler.

I'll try to be as validating and compassionate (but not emotional) as I can and just see how she responds.

If she responds badly I'll just tell her I'm gratefull for the time we had together and leave with my head held high knowing I did the right thing.

[Davy]

Ok

Just got back from her.

apparently everything is cool between us. She doesn't think its a big deal that she ignored me for 3 weeks. She wants to continue the relationship.

Now I get that she needed a break but the way she treated me during was very disrespectfull. Not sure what to make of all this.

[MapleBob]

Wow, interesting! It's definitely strange behavior to dip out of a primary relationship for three weeks and then act like it's no big deal. I'm glad you two are talking and that it went well, but I'd be really cautious. Something happened to cause that break, and you might try finding out what that was all about, and then validating her feelings about it and making sure it doesn't happen anymore. That might be your responsibility here. Hers is to communicate when there's an issue.

[kc sunshine]

how did it go in the meeting? So curious! It is so rare to get a good outcome like this!

[Davy]

Well it was a strange meeting.

She opened the door with a smile. I brought some of her stuff with me so first we put that away and started talking casually about work and stuff.

At some point in the conversation I asked her how she was feeling. The first 2 weeks she felt very sad and scared but the 3d week she felt a lot better.

She said that I had done nothing wrong but she just had a bad feeling mostly because we had put to much pressure on our selfs and lost ourselfs and started fighting al the time

(I agree).

Also the fact that her cat was not allowed in the livingroom (I'm allergic) bothered her very much.

So I brought up the fact that I'm seeing a therapist and asked her to come with me. She will think about it.

We agreed to meet up again next weekend for dinner and a movie.

I stayed for about 2 hours and felt it was best to leave.

She hugs me and kisses me and we say goodbye.

An hour later I texted her to say it was good to see her and that she looked great. No response.

I have no idea what to think about this.

Now I'm starting to doubt she has BPD but she sure is acting strange

[MapleBob]

Something's not adding up here, Davy, it's just a feeling I have. Wanting to step back from a relationship to assess is fine, but you genuinely didn't know if you two were still together? That's a red flag. You two could definitely stand to work on communication. This thing with the cat allergy is also a pretty bizarre justification for not talking to someone for three weeks!

Keep coming back here - we'll do what we can to help you figure this out. I think your situation feels hopeful. Just out of curiosity, how old are you two?

[Davy]

I'm 31 and she is 30

[Davy]

Last night I texted her to say goodnight and she seems to be totaly ignoring me.

Why would she say she wants to continue the relationship and meet again next weekend and then ignore me again.

Should I go nc again until next weekend?

[anothercasualty]

Last night I texted her to say goodnight and she seems to be totaly ignoring me.

Why would she say she wants to continue the relationship and meet again next weekend and then ignore me again.

Should I go nc again until next weekend?

I suspect everyone of us on these boards thinks our situation is different and somehow the advice given for everyone else does not apply to us. I know I did. The keyword there is "did". The more space and time you give away from the situation you are in, the more likely you are to see it is not that unique from most of the stories on here.

Having said that, it really appears you need to step back from her, most likely for more than just this next week.  I am sorry, but it doesn't appear she really is capable of giving you what you want right now. The more you have to analyze every movement/action/nuance, the more likely you are to be hurt.

As someone else said, keep on posting though. We are in this together!

[MapleBob]

How involved was your relationship before this incident? This is truly strange behavior, and I empathize with how terribly confusing this must be for you.

[Davy]

For more info on my relationship with her reed my 1st post https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=288412.0

[MapleBob]

For more info on my relationship with her reed my 1st post https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=288412.0

Right! Thanks for the reminder... .

Davy, I think that saving this relationship is going to require you to pull back a lot. She seems very on-the-fence about what exactly it is that she wants from you, and I get the feeling that you have very little control over the situation in terms of getting her to meet your basic relationship needs. You could probably keep it at this confusing, vague, wishy-washy level for a long time, as it doesn't seem like she wants you to leave - but she doesn't exactly want you to stay either. YOU are holding the relationship, and she seems to come and go from it. That's not your fault, by the way - and that is very BPD.

[Davy]

So how should I aproach this?

I was thinking about not making contact until saturday because we are supposed to go out to dinner and a movie.

Or should I not make contact at all untill She does even if it means the date on saturday is off?

[MapleBob]

So how should I aproach this?

I was thinking about not making contact until saturday because we are supposed to go out to dinner and a movie.

Or should I not make contact at all untill She does even if it means the date on saturday is off?

I think that you should wait until Thursday or Friday to contact her to confirm the date on Saturday. Then go and have a really great date with her. See what happens after that.

[Davy]

Bpd or not, I'm confused by her

She seems very selfaware but is always giving me bull___ excuses.

For example last saturday I told her that her ignoring me makes me scared that she is about to dump me.

Her excuse was that she is not checking her phone all the time and by the time she reads the texts it is late and she does not want to disturb my sleep.

And now she is doing it again. Plus those reasons for leaving: me being to quit and the cat thing. I'ts just absurd.

Anyway I'll wait untill friday to confirm the date and set a time.

On the date I'll avoid talking about us and just try to have a good time and hopfully she will have a good time too

[Davy]

Would it be a good idea to  bring flowers on our date?

she loves roses and  I want the date to go perfect but I dont want to overdo it

[Lou12]

Hi Davy. I've been following your posts. I really hope the weekend goes well for you.

A little feed back on your posts.

You are appearing to hold this woman as the bee all and end all of your life. Your emotional rock. Like your life would go under without her. Thats a lot for anyone to live up to and would personally make me run a mile.

The things women love in men are... .confidence, independence, funniness etc... My friend you are not displaying any of these things at the moment.

In stead of thinking... shall I bring her flowers, when will I confirm date, where shall we go, what shall I wear, what will I say... why don't you make yourself as busy as possible this week with as many fun things you can find to do. When it gets close to the weekend message her to confirm then go and do more fun things then turn up on your date. I gaurentee you the date will go better.

Can you try to stop making this person your absolute everything? It's a big turn off for a woman. We can sniff out desperation from a mile off...

[Davy]

Guess that means no flowers

Thank you Lou12 for your honesty however is it not kinda normal for me to feel a little desperate right now?

I really love her and truly thought she was the one. We even talked about marriage and stuff and suddenly this happens.

I get I need to come off more confident in her eyes but I cant change the way I feel about her. She is on my mind every second of every day (and night).

I do try to keep busy however and it really helps.

Not saying that you are wrong here, just trying to get my head around it all.

And I'm seeing my therapist on friday to deal with my codependent traits.

[Lou12]

Sorry Davy I didn't mean to be so harsh. I'm arguing with my BPD because I'm not very validating (wonder why   )

Suppose what I am trying to get at is... you can try hard to be a certain way but it doesn't work. It's all about having a certain mindset. Keep going with your therapy, that's fantastic that you have took a stand for yourself.

Yes I understand your desperation, I've been there to. This site has been amazing in helping get out of that mindset. Keep posting and talking to ppl.

I wouldn't ask you to change the way you feel about her, I'm just saying for you to try and not make having her seem like a life or death situation. That's a lot of pressure for you both.

I am rooting for you for your date that all goes well. Don't give up on healing yourself and knowing your worth

Apols again if my words seemed to come from an act of uncaring, that was not the case.

[Davy]

No apolagies needed. I value your input

Its why I'm here

Thank you

[Davy]

I'm considering telling her that as long as she is treating me in such a disrespectfull manner I don't want to have anything to do with her.

I understand she can't show affection at this point but I do deserve a little more respect.

Tell her I'm moving on with my life and just see if she contacts me again or not

[Lou12]

Davy your doing it again my friend! Your looking for her to fix you or react to you. Don't do it, focus on your self and it will change your mindset about needing to say these words to her and needing to hear them.

It lies with you to fix you, not her.

Apols if I'm being harsh again

[Davy]

Nothing harsh about that

I just thought that it would let her know I'm not letting her walk all over me. I feel like I'm being played and disrespected.

Plus it seems healthier for me not to be around her as long as she is in this state?

But If you say its a bad idea I'm gonna take your advice

Maybe in stead off telling her I should try to make it my mindset? Stay away untill she is more reasonable?

[Lou12]

I would tell her your not letting her walk all over you, show her.

The thing I have learnt with boundaries are that its pointless making demands about what you will stand for when you don't follow them. Boundaries are you values on things you absolutely won't budge on, no point having them if they can be moved as that's not really a boundary if you get me.

Have you been reading everything on the site? Ppl with BPD/traits think a totally different way than a non so I absolutely get that you feel disrespected and played.

If you really want to attempt saving this relationship then get some advice and lessons from the staying board. It takes a lot of hard work, self reflection and practice as I am learning myself.

Only you can decide if it's best for you to be around her at this time. You've got to stop reflecting on what she needs/thinks/wants and focus on how you feel and how you wish to react.

[Lou12]

*wouldnt

[Davy]

I have been reading alot. I'm also reading stop walking on eggshells. It's just so much to take in and goes against my instincts.

Also my own emotions switch around alot. One moment I'm sad because I love her and miss her like crazy and the next moment I'm angry because off how she treats me.

Luckely my anxiety from the first 2 weeks is now completely gone as it was crippling me