Deactivated my FB

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I had blocked my ex on FB a couple of days before we split up. Then he asked me to unblock him because we now speak (fair enough, it would be weird for me, too, to be saying hello, how are you to someone who is blocked on my FB). He started mirroring me again but is working diligently on all channels at the moment. I didn't learn this from FB, I would have bet my house on this even before I unblocked him. I make a point of not looking at it, and did not "like" anything so that I wouldn't take my honorable place among his "women" who prove their existence to each other with their likes. My only gleeful discovery was that his most valuable confidante ex stopped liking or commenting on his posts. This means he is not in a relationship. (Gleeful not because he is not in a relationship but because this woman is so predictable in her actions, it's crazy). I would trust this woman's re-appearance on that page more than my ex's FB status:))

Anyway, he has already started FB games with me, now that he thinks I'm not looking at it, he is writing to me about his page:)) Then he makes a joke about me looking at it, implying I'm jealous. I could just agree with either, I don't care. The only thing I wouldn't do would be to try to prove that I'm not looking. I don't want to be involved in those things, not interested. But I found myself in a position where I had to say something. I didn't want to say I don't want to hear about your FB, that would be a boundary but I was afraid that it would result in more talk and it could be a good NPD ego boost. I didn't want to give it to him because that makes my job more difficult. I don't think FB was worth all that boundary protection right now, maybe later. I feel too tired right now. I couldn't ignore his FB talk (in writing, I lack practice in it), I couldn't find anything to say that would take me outside this trap like thing. So, I deactivated my FB. I feel great.

Some years ago, I'd take it as a fight for my space. I don't now. I feel very relieved because I managed to step out of it. I like FB, I'll miss it. But it's not as important as my peace of mind. I can live without it. And he can't come up with his FB provocations anymore. I like thinking that I didn't lose my space, I gave it up by my own choice to gain something better. He can e-mail me his online flirts now if he likes, that's completely up to him:))

[thisworld]

I had blocked my ex on FB a couple of days before we split up. Then he asked me to unblock him because we now speak (fair enough, it would be weird for me, too, to be saying hello, how are you to someone who is blocked on my FB). He started mirroring me again but is working diligently on all channels at the moment. I didn't learn this from FB, I would have bet my house on this even before I unblocked him. I make a point of not looking at it, and did not "like" anything so that I wouldn't take my honorable place among his "women" who prove their existence to each other with their likes. My only gleeful discovery was that his most valuable confidante ex stopped liking or commenting on his posts. This means he is not in a relationship. (Gleeful not because he is not in a relationship but because this woman is so predictable in her actions, it's crazy). I would trust this woman's re-appearance on that page more than my ex's FB status:))

Anyway, he has already started FB games with me, now that he thinks I'm not looking at it, he is writing to me about his page:)) Then he makes a joke about me looking at it, implying I'm jealous. I could just agree with either, I don't care. The only thing I wouldn't do would be to try to prove that I'm not looking. I don't want to be involved in those things, not interested. But I found myself in a position where I had to say something. I didn't want to say I don't want to hear about your FB, that would be a boundary but I was afraid that it would result in more talk and it could be a good NPD ego boost. I didn't want to give it to him because that makes my job more difficult. I don't think FB was worth all that boundary protection right now, maybe later. I feel too tired right now. I couldn't ignore his FB talk (in writing, I lack practice in it), I couldn't find anything to say that would take me outside this trap like thing. So, I deactivated my FB. I feel great.

Some years ago, I'd take it as a fight for my space. I don't now. I feel very relieved because I managed to step out of it. I like FB, I'll miss it. But it's not as important as my peace of mind. I can live without it. And he can't come up with his FB provocations anymore. I like thinking that I didn't lose my space, I gave it up by my own choice to gain something better. He can e-mail me his online flirts now if he likes, that's completely up to him:))

[shatra]

My only gleeful discovery was that his most valuable confidante ex stopped liking or commenting on his posts. This means he is not in a relationship. (Gleeful not because he is not in a relationship but because this woman is so predictable in her actions, it's crazy). I would trust this woman's re-appearance on that page more than my ex's FB status:))

------Meaning that when this ex comments he's in a relationship with her (and when she stops, they are not together)"?   Does she have BPD also?

-----Why can't you have facebook since you miss it, and just block him again?

[thisworld]

Shatra hi,

I meant that the ex appears each time he is in a relationship with a new woman and once this relationship is over, she isn't active on his FB anymore. It's almost like she targets these new women. To me she looks

more NPD or a codependent (or maybe just this insecure woman who needs this little ego feed) because I don't know much about her personal history, so cannot say how much she fits the BPD criteria.

I can block him but I don't want to because he has just moved very very near me, and this is a very small place so we are bound to run into each other. I need to keep this at a relatively civil level (my ex is a very volatile person who cannot tolerate NC as of now and this still gives me anxiety). And I don't block people with whom I'm relatively civil, I would feel weird myself. And I felt that this was the only way (within my power nowadays) to step out of this FB dynamic. Maybe I could do something else at some other time, but I felt like this was the most practical way of stepping out of this for now. Missing it is OK. The relief I get from it feels better.   

[C.Stein]

I support your decision to step away from FB.  I personally have never seen the fascination of social media as it all seems so incredibly shallow and unreal. 

[thisworld]

I was kind of OK with that shallow and surreal thing. Most of my friends are in other cities and I felt kind of connected - albeit lazily. I can't seem to escape from ex's needs, though. He is insistently trying to pull me into reacting to his page. I wrote in my original post that he he can e-mail me his page now and meant that as a funny thing or sarcasm, but that's what he is doing now. Incredible. And how unattractive really:))

Why does he want me to be part of his audience when he is trying to pull me in - he is mirroring me, declaring his love for me etc etc- and then trying to show his flirting to meor bring up topics like my jealousy? It feels crazy, but then I've just noticed that this is how it was throughout our relationship:))

I'm working on self-empowerment not to experience anxiety and fear because of his volatility and I'm actually getting better. But his moving to this tiny spot where I live and then these personal things are causing me new challenges.

[bdyw8]

Sorry to hear that thisworld.  I know all about the games they play with social media.  I broke it off with my ex for two months in the summer of 2014, however, didn't remove her from facebook.  She then started posting all these "inspirational quotes" that made it abundantly clear she had been wronged, etc, etc.  All her friends were posting things feeling sorry for her.  When I called her on it and said it was immature to put her personal trash on facebook like that, she actually stated that those quotes and sayings didn't have anything to do with the breakup.

It's all about the games and the manipulations.  That is why this time around I just blocked her outright on facebook.  I told her to her face that I would be doing it because I couldn't be subject to more hurt.

Also sucks he just moved in close by you - I can relate with that as well!  I'm trying everything in my power to shield myself from someone that will do anything to throw subtle jabs in my face, including sending me a message on that dating site before I promptly removed myself from it. 

It's amazing how they try to keep us attached - must be because they just want to be the victim and they can't be a victim if there's no perpetrator on the scene... .

[fromheeltoheal]

Hey TW-

He is insistently trying to pull me into reacting to his page.

I promised I'd spew my FB blurb, so here goes.  "Communication" is a combination of the words we say, our tone of voice, and our body language.  Folks who study such things have determined that 55% of the "message" we communicate is through body language, 38% is through tone of voice, and the last 7% is the words we say.  And the other piece is congruency: if someone says something but their tone of voice and body language say something else, we suspect they're lying and/or trying to conceal something.

So when we're with someone in person we get the entire message, words, tone, body language.  When we talk on the phone we lose the body language but get the words and tone of voice; we've lost 55% of the "real" message they are communicating.  And in writing we lose the tone of voice too, so we're down to just 7% of the total communication.  As a friend of mine says, email mangles nuance.

My ex loved texting on her iPhone, not only communication in writing but short communication done with thumbs, but it allowed her to maintain emotional attachments with multiple people yet keep an emotional distance, perfect for a borderline, thanks Steve Jobs for the amazing attachment machine.

And Facebook is a constant stream of written communication, folks posting the idealized version of themselves they want the world to see, in a format that only shares 7% of the actual communication.  Oh and once in a while someone posts a carefully curated pic so we get facial expression and a little body language too.

My point?  Facebook is fine for what it is, lots of folks enjoy it, but communicating with a Cluster B that way, along with very poor communication in the actual relationship usually, doesn't help anyone.  I needed to bale entirely from my relationship and some people are OK with limited communication after the relationship ends, and not that anyone asked for any advice, but if you are going to communicate with your exes do it in person, so you get 100% of the communication, or not at all.  Interesting, when we do that after some time and distance and some education, the behaviors of our exes can get very transparent, our opinion of them may change quite a bit, and their ability to affect us will diminish or disappear, much better than getting caught up and maybe second guessing based on an incomplete 7% communication.  Take care of you!

[C.Stein]

HtoH,

I agree totally.  Way to much important communication with my ex occurred over text.  It also makes lying and deception all that much easier. 

While I will use email to make sure I say everything I want to say without forgetting anything, I like to follow it up with person to person.  Thing is my ex is incapable of really talking about important stuff, at least in an adult fashion.  This was frustrating as hell, which goes without saying. 

[ladylee]

Agreed social medial really feeds into these illnesses, and the idea of taking the next person "off the rack," it's very surrealistic.

[Mr. Magnet]

I deactivated today

I just can't control myself from posting vague comments

[thisworld]

My point?  Facebook is fine for what it is, lots of folks enjoy it, but communicating with a Cluster B that way, along with very poor communication in the actual relationship usually, doesn't help anyone.  I needed to bale entirely from my relationship and some people are OK with limited communication after the relationship ends, and not that anyone asked for any advice, but if you are going to communicate with your exes do it in person, so you get 100% of the communication, or not at all.  Interesting, when we do that after some time and distance and some education, the behaviors of our exes can get very transparent, our opinion of them may change quite a bit, and their ability to affect us will diminish or disappear, much better than getting caught up and maybe second guessing based on an incomplete 7% communication.  Take care of you!

FHTH hi,

I don't/didn't communicate with my ex on FB. Actually, after he went a bit volatile when I went NC, I started going gray rock. In between I hadn't posted anything on FB on purpose anyway. After gray rock I posted only two things trying to show how boring my life was. One was a horrible patch in my garden with the last flower I killed and the other was a RIP for an acclaimed human rights lawyer. But since he moved and and we are in the same circle, he asked me to unblock him and I did. Since then it was all about "have you seen this on my FB, have you seen that on my FB" and it's all about women. I didn't react, he sensed it was a new boundary and started busting it - you are jealous, my FB irritates you. This is the FB that I do not visit. I stopped FB completely. He started emailing links to his page, like a joke, right? Anyway, I used DEARMAN and told him that if he kept on sending me links from FB, I'd close my email account as well - I use that only to communicate with him anyway:)) So, it seems that FB boundary busting is over for now. One day at a time:))

 

[Confused108]

Oh yea FB! That's how my ex found me again. I had no idea she had BPD and I believed all her lying bs. If I was never on FB it would have saved me a ton of heartache!

[Grissum69]

Simply changing your settings on FB will block a lot of content from being seen from others...   just a heads up    and that's without blocking anyone yet