Where's my BPD ex? She was my rudder for 14 years

[Moselle]

Well. Not really   she's turned into a non-cooperative, dangerous so and so

But she filled a gap for me. A spark I don't seem to have right now.

I went to my first CODA meeting on tuesday. Someone described it to me that I was the sail and she was the rudder for 14 years.

Any tips on finding my rudder and my spark?

[Caley]

Yep ... .leave her to it ... leave and don't look back.

Find someone who actively wants and shows that they want to co-captain the boat ... and is there to navigate through fair weather sailing with the 'occasional' windy squall ... with reciprocal effort.

It's not advisable to leave a five year old in charge of the rudder ...  

[Moselle]

Thanks Caley.

I'd love a co-captain on the boat. It's scary to think that I did leave her at the rudder for extended periods.

I'm assuming that this fair weather navigator is out there somewhere. I don't feel in any shape to meet her yet though.  I thought I was and guess what? I found another 5 year old rudder operator  and i completely missed the  red-flags . Actually I found two.

I still have the same wounds and attract the same kind of rudders. OK I'm smart enough not to marry them this time, but I'm still attracted to them, and they are apparently still attracted to me.

It's hard to suddenly grow a rudder of my own. But i know it's the right thing to do.

[Caley]

Hahaha ... .you're not alone.

I married one on the road to hell ... took 5 years to divorce. I then spent 4 years on my own ... and then met someone I thought was sincere ... nope. Same person, different body ... two years of further BS.

I'm quite certain, that when we learn all we need to learn ... to spot a potential train wreck or cause one ... the right person will show up.

Growing a rudder of your own is a must and necessary ... it is very peaceful taking care of yourself for a while ... it'll be tough some days ... but you'll thank yourself and forgive yourself in time.

All the best to you.

[Moselle]

I think we seek out victims to rescue. It's much easier to fix someone else than face our own issues.

Any thoughts on that?

[shatra]

Moselle wrote--

I'm still attracted to them, and they are apparently still attracted to me.

----I was attracted to mine because I thought if I could filll their neediness they'd stay with me... .but that didn't happen. 

----He was attracted to me partly because I was the solid stable person in his constant storm... .but he left anyway

---In what ways was yours a "rudder"?  What attracted you to her and her to you?

[blackbirdsong]

I think we seek out victims to rescue. It's much easier to fix someone else than face our own issues.

Any thoughts on that?

By fixing them we are fixing our inner, wounded child.

And yes, this is easier to cope with... .But not helpful at the end.

[Sunfl0wer]

I think we seek out victims to rescue. It's much easier to fix someone else than face our own issues.

Any thoughts on that?

I certainly find this true for me.  Helping others becomes a 'noble' distraction from my own anxieties.  I can 'control' my involvement, and lack of, when helping others... .well because who would ever blame me for backing off when it gets to be too much... . I'm just helping out anyways, right?

Looking inward at caring for my own 'emotional needs' well... .is simply daunting.  It feels never ending... .as the work of 'self improvement' appears to be like looking out into outerspace.  I cannot run from it or take a break from it, well... .unless of course I redirect energy and focus on helping someone else... .or some other thing.  

It is scarey looking inward because I have a bigger 'stake' in the outcome, I expect myself to be more responsible for all of it.

Helping others feels like affirmation of skills I feel less competent using on myself with less risk for 'failure' as I have limited view of anothers experience and am less critical of another.  It feels close to getting the original need met of helping myself... .but less scary... .and sometimes it is quite beneficial to practice, refine and learn these skills on others before venturing to try them on myself in efforts of tackling my own self care.

... .my random thoughts on that.

[Moselle]

Thanks for all your comments.

less risk for 'failure' as I have limited view of anothers experience and am less critical of another.  It feels close to getting the original need met of helping myself... .but less scary... .

I can identify with that. I've come to the point in my life when I don't have any choice but to face this fear of failure. Its ironic. I always thought she would need to hit rock bottom before she dealt with her BPD. I didn't realise that I was in complete denial about my own co-dependent issues which are far more important to me than her nonsense. And that I would need to hit rock before I dealt with mine.

---In what ways was yours a "rudder"?  What attracted you to her and her to you?

She was my rudder, because I handed power over her.

I remember having the thought. "If only I could buy her something every day, then she would be happy". I had a free week when I bought her a car or a house or jewellery. She told me gifts was her love language, so I bought her stuff to help her feel loved. That was the power she had over me to get what she wanted.

She needed the status of moving in the right circles. So I tagged along to all the shallow dinner parties. Her high flying friends became mine.

I also became fearful of the anger and feeling relieved when there was a smile as she entered the house

I think I was attracted to her neediness, she claimed to be the least loved of 6 sisters, and I enjoyed the challenge of elevating her status within the family. She also mirrored my values so I thought this was my soulmate.

By fixing them we are fixing our inner, wounded child.

And yes, this is easier to cope with... .But not helpful at the end.

Are we appealing to our inner wounded child, or fixing him/her? I'm thinking we avoid the inner wounds by focussing on other people's wounds.

[C.Stein]

She was my rudder, because I handed power over her.

Perhaps this is the problem?  You think she was your rudder but in fact she wasn't ... .you just gave her control of it.  Your rudder is yours alone.  Time to take control of your rudder again and stay in control. 

[Moselle]

Perhaps this is the problem?  You think she was your rudder but in fact she wasn't ... .you just gave her control of it.  Your rudder is yours alone. Time to take control of your rudder again and stay in control. 

But that would mean that I need to take responsibility for my life and what happens in it. Its much easier to stay in denial, and pretend that it was all her fault 

I seem to be able to do this in fits and starts. It builds up, I take responsibility and control of the rudder and make some big decisions and then I go back to being passive again, and its builds up. Staying in daily control is a challenge for me. How can I stay in control of it?

Grrrr. Frustrating

I am doing the CODA 12 step programme which actually goes the other way. We acknowledge that our life is a mess and unmanageable, and that we cannot control everything in the first step, and in the second step we hand control over to a higher power. Its ironic - hand control over to gain control.

[Caley]

When ... EVER ... can you say YOU had control ... ?

Someone once suggested to me, when I asked what I could do about these things ... said that I get to choose what colour shirt I will wear ... that's all.

It struck me, I contemplated that for a long time, who is this 'I' that is compelled to try to control? And, who experiences frustration when all efforts to control are combated? Ego ... the idea we have of ourselves ... which is far from the true nature of ourselves & not 'I'.

Be as you are ... watch ... perform your daily duties as the watcher of them ... not the doer ... and relinquish the idea that the control of others is possible. It isn't. There isn't even a rudder in reality.

You are ... realise your Self ... let 'others' do the same ... In their own time with the experiences that come as a result of their own perceptions, decisions, chances & choices.

Karma ... cause & effect.

Be true to your Self ... happiness is a choice.

Are you unhappy in deep sleep? No, ... .explore ... find the truth about you.

Namaste.

[C.Stein]

I seem to be able to do this in fits and starts. It builds up, I take responsibility and control of the rudder and make some big decisions and then I go back to being passive again, and its builds up. Staying in daily control is a challenge for me. How can I stay in control of it?

You know, I wish I had the answer.  I struggle with it too, the lack of motivation to do ... .well just about anything except exist.  One thing I do know for certain though, I will not be allowing anyone control of my rudder again.  If they want to share control of rudders that is fine, but no longer will I relinquish primary control of my rudder again.

I am doing the CODA 12 step programme which actually goes the other way. We acknowledge that our life is a mess and unmanageable, and that we cannot control everything in the first step, and in the second step we hand control over to a higher power. Its ironic - hand control over to gain control.

I personally cannot buy into that philosophy.  To take back control you start with the little things that are the easiest and work towards the bigger harder things.  As you go along you will gain back some of the self-esteem and self-confidence you lost to your ex and the bigger harder things will seem less big and less hard.   Well, that sounds good ... .now I just have to follow my own advice.   

[Moselle]

@Caley. I had control before I met her. I was very disciplined, had my stuff together. Focussed and highly effective. I was quite religious and had a good relationship with God. This is why I'm quite keen to try the CODA steps. I've done it before, but that was 17 years ago.

@CStein. Yes, she provided a spark which I seem to need. I didn't when I met her. I had plenty of spark. Hey, who stole my spark?

I'm realising that I act a bit like a child, without her. It stands to reason. I selected someone who.

had roughly a similar level of maturity. That's a bit confronting.

[Moselle]

This post and your responses have me thinking really hard about a few things.Thanks so much for your input.

Since Jan 2000, I have lived daily with a person who has an unstable sense of self and a serious mental illness.  This has affected me profoundly in terms of my personal growth, my ability to behave maturely as an adult. And honestly - my mental health. I've been co-dependent and if you need a list of what that looks like, visit the CODA  website. It's not pleasant reading.

If i look at her now, its quite scary to think I lived with that person. I see her for what she is. A little child with a brutal persona to compensate and protect her from whatever damaged childhood she had.

I'm not going to feel too bad about it. I'm going to respond maturely and accept that it happened. It's entirely my choice to continue that way or heal and recover. I choose to heal. It may take me some time but today I feel free. She is no longer my rudder. I am, and if I choose to hand that over to a higher power like CODA says, that's my choice. Or I can keep it. Or do some kind of hybrid arrangement.

That little girl appealed to me. I wanted to caretake her. I wanted to heal her. And i dedicated myself to doing just that. No more. I'm handing her problems back to her. Good bye BPD. Hello life. It's taken two years but I feel detached from it. Today, for the first time!

I don't need it's spark, and I dont need it's rudder. I have my own.

[ladylee]

There are a lot of five year old sparky rudder operators out there apparently and they need stable partners to focus them and caretake. I am not strong enough anymore, I have to lose this addiction, because I need a caretaker now who can be a true partner. But how to find a stable one in this crazy society now is the trick. Maybe when I feel the spark, it's a sign of trouble, not love like I think.

[Moselle]

Thanks Ladylee.

"5 year old sparky rudder operators"

No it's not love. Well it's a form of love - BPD love. Based on needs, manipulation and control. It's one we're used to. I think it reflects our own inner pains.

Well only one in four is disordered. So for every kook there are 3 healthy ones. Can't find an available one anywhere