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Author Topic: Do you feel some level of hatred towards your ex? Is it justified?  (Read 2378 times)
borderdude
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« on: January 21, 2016, 07:31:28 AM »

I have every option to hate my ex, lying, infidelity, manipulations... .Where to put the blame? On her? She was sexually abused from a broken home initiating her disorder. On her parents or on her abuser? I know the abused become the abuser, maybe I can respond evil with evil like blamegames, avoiding responsability and turn into the monster I was fighting? I can play the victim , blame satan , all this gets me nowhere. I can hate the person, but can I hate the disorder?

I know very well I let my own boundaries slip, I chose to lie to myself, let me become dazzled by her attention and charme.Toxicated by my fantacy image I had created for my own pleasure added with her idealizing me. At one point I knew I was being manipulated beyond my boundaries, but again I chose not listen to myself and rather be drugged down by her beauty and playfulness.

She told me she was the victim to let my guard down. She hit a weak spot namely my codependency. It takes two to tango, I chose to participate and all i can do is to work with myself and point out how I shall never be attracted to these people again. It was not the first time in my case, It was a pattern. I must take the responsability and indentify why I am prone to fix and caretake the sick people so I stop any repeating circles. Do I fix others so I can avoid fixing myself? One day you realize everything is a game within yourself you project to others.

Actually she warned me about herself, I can not hate, for what shall I hate? A mental sick disordered individual, not able to trust, to feel love, intimazy, what is the point, really? They are not able to see you as complete persons only attachements, hate is only attention they will trieve from, feeding their ego.

So what about you? Did you see no early red lights? Why did others see them? Did you let yourself become toxicated by him her charme, idealization, let your boundaries be ignored early on? , did you repeat a pattern? Did you feel an extrem connection almost "spiritual" in nature? (Big Red Flag) Do you know the difference between falling in love opposite to falling in excitement or falling in manipulative attention. Did you have roller coaster feeling you did mistake as "love", Do you know the difference of how to feel bonding in love, and bonding created by drama? Do you get that intimazy is based on trust, security? Do you get that REAL love is based on respect and boundaries? Its based on peace not a roller coaster? (I know a narc. Is not able to give you ANY close to these mentioned, I was hooked knew something was wrong, still I refuced to see the red lights)

Well I did not, I had to learn all this for prevent repeating my patterns. I was also raised with abusive parents, I feel connected when I meet a narcisist alike person. All this was the "problem", not the frequency of disordered people. Since I know what healty love and bonding feels like, I am not attracted to them anymore. Why not also you take an introspective look and point the finger at yourself and see what you find , did you really expecting you find love and empathy in a fantacy world, with a fantasy person which they are, because they have false selves? I thought so then, Had to learn the hard way. Victimization is the tool of a narci. I refuce to sink to that level, I also share responsability for my choice of action.
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blackbirdsong
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« Reply #1 on: January 21, 2016, 08:01:33 AM »

You have described the patterns of our behavior very well.

In one word - codependency. I really cannot remember (sorry if I didn't read someone's story and he/she finds himself/herself insulted) reading a story on this board of someone who is extremely hurt, in love,  etc.,  that doesn't show codependency signs. In more or less extreme level. Sorry, we can discuss this in a separate thread, we already did. But this is my opinion.

I don't feel hate anymore. I don't want to sound as some 'crazy preacher' talking about love towards people around us but I have radically accepted that disorder makes her do things that I found manipulative and hurtful. Don't confuse my statement. I still consider the acts bad and hurtful. But I don't hate her.

I actually tried. I wanted to hate her. To be able to continue. Really did try.

And it helped for a short period of time. During the period of time spent here, while I started learning about BPD I realized that it is like BPD holds the controller of their behavior. Without the treatment it is pointless to expect the reaction that we want them to do.

And this is additional paradox, the BPD doesn't want the treatment do to me the enormous step is when someone realizes that they need treatment and goes to seek help.

I read several cases of people who claim that they are cured from BPD, they don't fulfill necessary conditions to be diagnosed as BPD person anymore.  

To me this is really unbelievable. A paradox for itself. I don't think that I am emotionally strong, as "healthy" person, if that even exists, to do that. To win in the fight with your own inner self. This is probably the scariest and hardest battle ever.

So, considering the facts that I have learned about  BPD and my opinion about that, I don't hate her. I even respect her even more because she is trying, she is in therapy. I am just trying now ways to protect myself also and to make some distance between us. Not because I hate her - because I need to love myself also. But I really really really hope that she will find peace.

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wishfulthinking
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« Reply #2 on: January 21, 2016, 08:54:07 AM »

Today,

I despise my BPDexh with my entire being.  Last night, in a CHURCH, he stands in front of the congregation and his family to say he's been doing hard drugs since before we got married.  He lied to me the entire time, ruined me emotionally, financially, and sometimes physically.  I am so far past disgusted I don't think there is even a word.
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borderdude
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« Reply #3 on: January 21, 2016, 08:55:45 AM »

You have described the patterns of our behavior very well.

In one word - codependency. I really cannot remember (sorry if I didn't read someone's story and he/she finds himself/herself insulted) reading a story on this board of someone who is extremely hurt, in love,  etc.,  that doesn't show codependency signs. In more or less extreme level. Sorry, we can discuss this in a separate thread, we already did. But this is my opinion.

I don't feel hate anymore. I don't want to sound as some 'crazy preacher' talking about love towards people around us but I have radically accepted that disorder makes her do things that I found manipulative and hurtful. Don't confuse my statement. I still consider the acts bad and hurtful. But I don't hate her.

I actually tried. I wanted to hate her. To be able to continue. Really did try.

And it helped for a short period of time. During the period of time spent here, while I started learning about BPD I realized that it is like BPD holds the controller of their behavior. Without the treatment it is pointless to expect the reaction that we want them to do. I

And this is additional paradox, the BPD doesn't want the treatment do to me the enormous step is when someone realizes that they need treatment and goes to seek help.

I read several cases of people who claim that they are cured from BPD, they don't fulfill necessary conditions to be diagnosed as BPD person anymore.  

To me this is really unbelievable. A paradox for itself. I don't think that I am emotionally strong, as "healthy" person, if that even exists, to do that. To win in the fight with your own inner self. This is probably the scariest and hardest battle ever.

So, considering the facts that I have learned about  BPD and my opinion about that, I don't hate her. I even respect her even more because she is trying, she is in therapy. I am just trying now ways to protect myself also and to make some distance between us. Not because I hate her - because I need to love myself also. But I really really really hope that she will find peace.

Thanyou for the reply

I do not think the codependency thing in it self is a subject of importance. The initiation for this starter was a comparable facebook group , wich got many "haters", BPD, npd are monsters, evil, and rightfully so, but there where nobody who talket about the nons and their position in this.  I told them that I considered myself to share my rightfully part of the responsability as I "know" when I am being manipulated with, it does not mean I change my behaviour towards the subject, but at least know by interpreting signs of becoming unfocused, depressive, and other descriptions. This will make me partially responsible for my choice of action further down the road. To hate  or forgive is my personal choice how to deal with my issues, it is for me formost. Change in me takes place when I got the ability to respond,  I did not see the point of joining the hate speech group of disordered people, I also have learned and grown from this.

In my first BPD encounter I was hooked, I was in love, I understood she was sick, but I chose to be her fixer. I saw clearly I was being manipulated, I feel it strongly. The responsability rests with me from this point. It is hard for to grasp ppl who has proceeded with this over years , but it is their choice, not my business.

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Pretty Woman
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« Reply #4 on: January 21, 2016, 09:10:56 AM »

Borderdude,

   Of every post I have read on here... .over the past four years... .

This VERY post. It was like I wrote it myself.


Everything you wrote... .it is like we dated the same person. The abuse on both sides. Mine told me the truth, but I was in "white knight" mode. She told me she cheated on other people. She told me they all hated her. All her stories were brutally honest and she wasn't asking for sympathy. It was almost as if she was bragging about the lives she ruined.

I gave sympathy to her honesty. I couldn't believe someone would actually do these things. I forgave someone who was TELLING me exactly the type of person they were with no regret, no sympathy needed.

I think we get angry and start to "hate" when our ego creeps up on us and yes it is very narc. I know I have narc traits... .I hate to lose. This is now about losing, it has absolutely NOTHING to do with loving this person.

Deep down I know this wasn't love. It was two broken people with co-d issues that trauma bonded. I know what I want, what I need and what I desire.

My ex was none of those things. I never wanted my ex after she started to verbally abuse me and the crazy circular arguments started. I was actually afraid of her and thought I was going nuts.

I think I was!

Sometimes it's a hard pill to swallow, realizing our role in the dysfunction. It sounds like you and I are in similar places in the healing process. I think the greatest part in our recovery is "self-discovery" and I am really glad you posted this. I hope those reading, in whatever stage they are in really take your words to heart and start to look within... .

Within is where all the answers really are.


PW


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borderdude
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« Reply #5 on: January 21, 2016, 09:19:03 AM »

Borderdude,

   Of every post I have read on here... .over the past four years... .

This VERY post. It was like I wrote it myself.


Everything you wrote... .it is like we dated the same person. The abuse on both sides. Mine told me the truth, but I was in "white knight" mode. She told me she cheated on other people. She told me they all hated her. All her stories were brutally honest and she wasn't asking for sympathy. It was almost as if she was bragging about the lives she ruined.

I gave sympathy to her honesty. I couldn't believe someone would actually do these things. I forgave someone who was TELLING me exactly the type of person they were with no regret, no sympathy needed.

I think we get angry and start to "hate" when our ego creeps up on us and yes it is very narc. I know I have narc traits... .I hate to lose. This is now about losing, it has absolutely NOTHING to do with loving this person.

Deep down I know this wasn't love. It was two broken people with co-d issues that trauma bonded. I know what I want, what I need and what I desire.

My ex was none of those things. I never wanted my ex after she started to verbally abuse me and the crazy circular arguments started. I was actually afraid of her and thought I was going nuts.

I think I was!

Sometimes it's a hard pill to swallow, realizing our role in the dysfunction. It sounds like you and I are in similar places in the healing process. I think the greatest part in our recovery is "self-discovery" and I am really glad you posted this. I hope those reading, in whatever stage they are in really take your words to heart and start to look within... .

Within is where all the answers really are.


PW

Thanks pretty, glad you could reflect and Develop... .
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borderdude
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« Reply #6 on: January 21, 2016, 09:32:05 AM »

Borderdude,

  Of every post I have read on here... .over the past four years... .

This VERY post. It was like I wrote it myself.


Everything you wrote... .it is like we dated the same person. The abuse on both sides. Mine told me the truth, but I was in "white knight" mode. She told me she cheated on other people. She told me they all hated her. All her stories were brutally honest and she wasn't asking for sympathy. It was almost as if she was bragging about the lives she ruined.

I gave sympathy to her honesty. I couldn't believe someone would actually do these things. I forgave someone who was TELLING me exactly the type of person they were with no regret, no sympathy needed.

I think we get angry and start to "hate" when our ego creeps up on us and yes it is very narc. I know I have narc traits... .I hate to lose. This is now about losing, it has absolutely NOTHING to do with loving this person.

Deep down I know this wasn't love. It was two broken people with co-d issues that trauma bonded. I know what I want, what I need and what I desire.

My ex was none of those things. I never wanted my ex after she started to verbally abuse me and the crazy circular arguments started. I was actually afraid of her and thought I was going nuts.

I think I was!

Sometimes it's a hard pill to swallow, realizing our role in the dysfunction. It sounds like you and I are in similar places in the healing process. I think the greatest part in our recovery is "self-discovery" and I am really glad you posted this. I hope those reading, in whatever stage they are in really take your words to heart and start to look within... .

Within is where all the answers really are.


PW

Thanks pretty, glad you could reflect and Develop... .

I touch the meaning of love here ... .I just summarize what I think:

Love makes whole, integrates, a whole object obtain peacefulness because it lacks inner separation. Contrary evil splits , destroys, make tension, separates.

Bonding throgh drama is related to being hooked, just like going on drugs, as you see addictions separate you and you starting to fight yourself. Integration shows you more of who you are, your lover shows you new property , "rooms" within yourself you can integrate, you become complete and peaceful.

I fixed my BPDex because she was an object representing my abusive chilhood , I tried to fix her so I could feel better towards myself. It was really a grose avoidance in responsability and I was not less quilty , because she did not needed a fixer in me, I am not a trained prof. I only made her disorder worce by playing out my codependency issues. We both engaged in an unhealty play without knowing it.
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Pretty Woman
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« Reply #7 on: January 21, 2016, 09:47:30 AM »

Bingo.  

I think a lot of people get mad on here when we say that both parties are to blame. Especially if the BPD filed false charges, physically abused the non or reacted in a otherwise heinous way.

No one is saying you are exactly like your ex. Clearly you are NOT if you are on this site trying to get help and gain clarity…

However a healthy person would have run after the first red flags. They would not be on this site. They would be like, “This woman is nuts, I’m out of here” and they would move on with their lives.

We want answers why we were treated badly. Why do we need answers? We were treated badly! That should be the end of the story. It’s because we have been treated badly by others in our lives and this bothers us. We feel unloved and unaccepted. We want acceptance from people incapable of doing so. Many of us are attracted to the same types of people due to our levels of “emotional” maturity.

Again, a hard pill to swallow. Once you get past being ok with others not liking you... .which is very hard... .it makes sense.

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UserName69
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« Reply #8 on: January 21, 2016, 09:52:34 AM »

I used to hate her a lot. We broke up 9 months ago and since that day I went in NC mode. A lot of things have been changed since I met an another girl I have neutral feelings towards my exBPDgf but I when I think about her as a person I really can't respect her. I have lost all respect for her. I'm glad my current gf is a non BPD. The way I see this entire experience is like an upgrade instead of a downgrade because I have learned a lot from it.

I believe the hating part is very normal and you shouldn't feel guilty about it. Before my exBPDgf I had relationships with non BPD's and the breakups went very smooth compared to the one with my exBPD. She knows her flaws, one day she even told me that she hurts guys and she didn't want to talk about it; she was even in therapy so in my situation my exBPDgf was aware of her disorder.
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borderdude
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« Reply #9 on: January 21, 2016, 09:52:52 AM »

Bingo.  

I think a lot of people get mad on here when we say that both parties are to blame. Especially if the BPD filed false charges, physically abused the non or reacted in a otherwise heinous way.

No one is saying you are exactly like your ex. Clearly you are NOT if you are on this site trying to get help and gain clarity…

However a healthy person would have run after the first red flags. They would not be on this site. They would be like, “This woman is nuts, I’m out of here” and they would move on with their lives.

We want answers why we were treated badly. Why do we need answers? We were treated badly! That should be the end of the story. It’s because we have been treated badly by others in our lives and this bothers us. We feel unloved and unaccepted. We want acceptance from people incapable of doing so. Many of us are attracted to the same types of people due to our levels of “emotional” maturity.

Again, a hard pill to swallow. Once you get past being ok with others not liking you... .which is very hard... .it makes sense.

Yes it is summarized very well ... . double bingo you might say , thankyou! They say we attract those people helping us grow to the "next" level. This must be the direct result of that principle.
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Pretty Woman
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« Reply #10 on: January 21, 2016, 10:12:29 AM »

Borderdude,

   Great way to think about that!

Smiling (click to insert in post)

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NYCIntrospect

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« Reply #11 on: January 21, 2016, 12:30:18 PM »

I have every option to hate my ex, lying, infidelity, manipulations... .Where to put the blame? On her? She was sexually abused from a broken home initiating her disorder. On her parents or on her abuser? I know the abused become the abuser, maybe I can respond evil with evil like blamegames, avoiding responsability and turn into the monster I was fighting? I can play the victim , blame satan , all this gets me nowhere. I can hate the person, but can I hate the disorder?

I know very well I let my own boundaries slip, I chose to lie to myself, let me become dazzled by her attention and charme.Toxicated by my fantacy image I had created for my own pleasure added with her idealizing me. At one point I knew I was being manipulated beyond my boundaries, but again I chose not listen to myself and rather be drugged down by her beauty and playfulness.

She told me she was the victim to let my guard down. She hit a weak spot namely my codependency. It takes two to tango, I chose to participate and all i can do is to work with myself and point out how I shall never be attracted to these people again. It was not the first time in my case, It was a pattern. I must take the responsability and indentify why I am prone to fix and caretake the sick people so I stop any repeating circles. Do I fix others so I can avoid fixing myself? One day you realize everything is a game within yourself you project to others.

Actually she warned me about herself, I can not hate, for what shall I hate? A mental sick disordered individual, not able to trust, to feel love, intimazy, what is the point, really? They are not able to see you as complete persons only attachements, hate is only attention they will trieve from, feeding their ego.

So what about you? Did you see no early red lights? Why did others see them? Did you let yourself become toxicated by him her charme, idealization, let your boundaries be ignored early on? , did you repeat a pattern? Did you feel an extrem connection almost "spiritual" in nature? (Big Red Flag) Do you know the difference between falling in love opposite to falling in excitement or falling in manipulative attention. Did you have roller coaster feeling you did mistake as "love", Do you know the difference of how to feel bonding in love, and bonding created by drama? Do you get that intimazy is based on trust, security? Do you get that REAL love is based on respect and boundaries? Its based on peace not a roller coaster? (I know a narc. Is not able to give you ANY close to these mentioned, I was hooked knew something was wrong, still I refuced to see the red lights)

Well I did not, I had to learn all this for prevent repeating my patterns. I was also raised with abusive parents, I feel connected when I meet a narcisist alike person. All this was the "problem", not the frequency of disordered people. Since I know what healty love and bonding feels like, I am not attracted to them anymore. Why not also you take an introspective look and point the finger at yourself and see what you find , did you really expecting you find love and empathy in a fantacy world, with a fantasy person which they are, because they have false selves? I thought so then, Had to learn the hard way. Victimization is the tool of a narci. I refuce to sink to that level, I also share responsability for my choice of action.

I feel anger and I don't judge it.  One thing I learned is that suppression of emotion is dangerous.  We feel "alive" because the BPD person doesn't regulate their emotions and we enjoy that rollercoaster because we've switched off our own negative feelings and we get them through the partner. 

My question is, does your anger or hatred serve you?  I don't fight my emotions, just try to channel them to serve me - i.e. being angry, I work out more, work harder, take better care of myself, seek new experiences, etc. 
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borderdude
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« Reply #12 on: February 09, 2016, 08:37:08 PM »

A little tail ... .

Love, at least when you love yourself, you want to grow, create, recreate yourself, play out new roles, new carriers.  This happens by mirroring. When making use of a normal mirror you will discover new aspects of yourself, the same functionality with a partner, she or he will mirror you back the true version of you. The keyword is self-discovery.

A normal mirror does not think , it is a function. By not controlling ourselves we let the partner take control and we feel a roller coaster intensity some mistake as love.

Bpd individuals take this a step further as they mirror us to the extreme, they got weak selves and easily got engulfed, they become you almost literally. It becomes close to a one way rs with your own reflection, the closest of having a rs with another aspect of yourself, but who is in control? As you know the mirror is passive and if you do not see that your boundaries becomes your partners boundaries too. If you are not in control , nobody is.

Mirroring is a powerful tool for manipulation, and gives an illusion of bonding and love, very prone to being hooked.
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« Reply #13 on: February 09, 2016, 08:56:57 PM »

I don't hate my ex as a person. I realize she is a product of her environment and most things were just reactionary.

But I do hate her for making me a loser.

I hate her because I saw the abuse and let it happen

I hate her because she showed me my weaknesses.

And I now thank her for it.

I know my part in all of this was just as bad as hers.

I hate her, but just as much as I hate myself.

I am learning to forgive both of us.

And I thank her for it.
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« Reply #14 on: February 09, 2016, 09:09:18 PM »

I can't help but feel extremely bitter towards my ex. I felt as though I had so much going for me before I met her, and I felt like she took a lot of that away. She drastically changed my personality, and I lost a lot of good friends because of it. But it wasn't just that. It was how quickly she made me feel like yesterday's garbage. That I wasn't worth anything and that the time I put into it meant nothing to her in the end. I found out so many horrible things she would say and do behind my back and she tried to bury me after we broke up. She's left permanent marks all over my body and harassed my friends.

Called me every name in the book and laughed with her friends about how much of my money she spent while we were together. I couldn't ever look her in her face again and not be overcome with anger. I'm a completely gentle person and avoid conflict with all cost however. I like pretty much everyone, but in my heart I see her as one of my enemies. I can't help shake that feeling. 
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borderdude
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« Reply #15 on: February 09, 2016, 09:35:45 PM »

I don't hate my ex as a person. I realize she is a product of her environment and most things were just reactionary.

But I do hate her for making me a loser.

I hate her because I saw the abuse and let it happen

I hate her because she showed me my weaknesses.

And I now thank her for it.

I know my part in all of this was just as bad as hers.

I hate her, but just as much as I hate myself.

I am learning to forgive both of us.

And I thank her for it.

holy macro, that is really some insight and a nice way of expressing it ... .
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« Reply #16 on: February 09, 2016, 10:35:33 PM »

No I don't hate her at all.

She's got a terrible mental illness which spells disaster for relationships, and i have my own issues which just compounded it.

I really don't like some of the things she did while we were connected, and I have some resentment for the way she treated me, but tbh i enabled most of that. And the aim is to let go of resentment

It was my choice to stay involved after she began to devalue me and so most of the worst of it i bought upon myself.

I have a sense of pity for her, and I hope that she gets the help she needs and that she might be able to turn her life around and find some real happiness one day

I'm on my own journey of recovery now, not from her but from the core trauma that lead me into this in the first place, I am hopeful for my journey and hopeful for hers, but now i understand we cannot make our journies together.
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« Reply #17 on: February 13, 2016, 09:25:22 AM »

I hate him a lot. And I love him as much.

I hate him 'cause I can't heal, I think.

I've tried to forgive him, but I couldn't. Because every time I tried to, he has hurt me again. And because he never told me the only thing I wanted to hear him say: "I'm sorry, I was wrong". He never did it and he'll never do it. It was never his fault, it is never his fault. I know, it's the disorder, ok, but I can't help blaming him from all the sorrow he gave (and he is giving) to me.

Well, then I'm conscious that I'm the one to blame as far as I let him hurt me so many times, but that's a different level. At the moment, I'm trying to detach and protect myself and I've realized that there I've had all the answers I wanted, I found them on my own, so that  I don't need to waste more words with him. But it still hurts, i still hate him, I still love him.
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« Reply #18 on: February 15, 2016, 10:53:44 AM »

I hate what my former wife has done to me, is doing to our children, has done to family, friends and neighbours. I hate what she's doing to new acquaintances who walk around singing the praises of this marvellous woman that they've just met.

I hate how she took a deep love and trust and totally destroyed it. I hate the way she can take everything that is good, rip it to pieces and discard the leftovers.

I hate the way that she is always the victim when in reality she is the perpetrator.

I hate the way that she always manages to emerge with some form of victory from every situation.

But I don't hate her.

I used to love her, then I used to hate her. Now, she's just someone I used to know. And someone I don't particularly care to know in the future.
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