Valentine's Day

[Dragon72]

So it's Valentine's Day coming up.  I must say I'm not feeling very motivated to do very much for my Bp wife who hasn't shown me much love in the last year.

How about you?

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[formflier]

So it's Valentine's Day coming up.  I must say I'm not feeling very motivated to do very much for my Bp wife who hasn't shown me much love in the last year.

How about you?

Important to do a gesture but not go over the top.  Even if she goes over the top or does nothing at all, or persecutes you. 

But yeah, going through an anniversary or v day while contempt/persecution is in full swing sucks.

FF

[Ceruleanblue]

Ah, yes, yet another holiday where BPDh will likely show me how unimportant I am to him. I'll buy him something sweet and thoughtful, and make a nice day of it for him, of course. I'm just judging on his past behaviors.

Now, last year was different, and he went all out and sort of overdid it. I got smallish diamond earrings, and an expensive bottle of perfume I still treasure, and he took me out to his favorite sushi place(he's a narcissist... .what can I expect?). All this though was because we'd just reconciled, and he's cheated, and he knew I'd been platonically dating someone. When he feels insecure, he can pull out all the stops. When he's in one of his low places, he'll barely do anything, which is what I'm sort of expecting this year.

I just do for him what I would love to receive, and try to have low expectations from him. Hope for the best, plan for the worst.

[Cloudy Days]

My Anniversary is this weekend, I basically don't expect anything and then I am not disappointed. I bought him something because it is our 10 year and I plan to cook dinner. I am crossing my fingers we at least don't fight.

Valentines day is a whole other story, my Father actually died last year on Valentines day. You know what he focused on? Oh great, now your going to be depressed every Valentines day because of this. It wasn't said on the day of his death but he has said it several times since his death. I may visit his grave but ruining Valentines day for the rest of my life, no. He's never done a whole lot on Valentines day for me, I got yelled at for not getting him at least a card, even though in the past I have hand made him cards and he got me nothing. Go figure.

[EmotionalWarfare]

Sorry folks.  This really sucks I know.  I usually am unable to eat, start feeling ill, and my anxiety grows as we get closer to our anniversary, her birthday, V-day, christmas, the second worse is Father's Day, and the all time worst day of the year is typically my birthday.  I usually get one of 2 gifts on my birthday from my uBPDw.  I usually get nothing at all.  She will work or completely ignore me on my birthday blaming a fabricated illness or not having time to do anything.  Then ask if I'm mad.  But my favorite is when she rages on my birthday and not only does she degrade me but usually my whole family.  This is what happened 5 yrs ago on my 40th.  Then she will deny what she said and have no memory of what she did later.  What a memorable occasion.  It still makes me so sad.  I elfin hate this disease.

Good luck all  

[Dragon72]

I got told I was getting a belt for Christmas, in spite of the fact that I told her I neither wanted nor needed a belt.  I then had to choose the belt, and buy it with the money I earned, so that she could give it to me in front of her family.  So thoughtful.

[Scopikaz]

I put in another post that my ex gf of two months now. I've been doing bad at no contact though I am doing better now. Went six days.  But we are talking about going to a concert jan 30 (she's just either lonely. Hadn't met someone yet.  Or wants free concert). We also are planning on going valentines weekend to musical that she loves.  Again unless she backs out or meets someone no doubt.  Anyhow, I this morning ordered her a picture collage fleece (she's had them made for others and I thought I'd make one for her). It has several pictures of her and her children. Her mother. Her father. Her sister. Even her cat.  Anyhow. I plan on as crazy as it sounds giving it to her that weekend. .  I know it's crazy.

[babyducks]

So it's Valentine's Day coming up.  I must say I'm not feeling very motivated to do very much for my Bp wife who hasn't shown me much love in the last year.

How about you?

Hi Dragon72

How can we help you?   Are you looking for ways to get motivated?  Are you looking for ways to stay true to your feelings of not wishing to do anything for Valentines day?    We want you to get the most out of your experience here at BPD family.    I noticed that you just joined with us a little while ago and I want to welcome you.     I have gone back and read many of your posts.

Typically when we end up on the Staying Board for the first time we are pretty amazed to find out that what we have been dealing with for years has a name, and that so many other people have been dealing with it too.   There is a sense of relief and a need to vent.    That's pretty normal.   

The Staying Board is a unique place at bpdfamily in that the guidelines for this board state that we are here to find solutions,  complaining about our partners, while normal and natural should be coupled with active solution seeking.   What we have learned over time is that if we don't encourage solution seeking toxic gridlock creeps in.   Does that make sense?

I have included the guidelines for the board as a housekeeping note. .  I know there is so much on this site it's hard to maneuver around at first.

So now that is out of the way,   how would you like to celebrate Valentines day?

'ducks

General Approach: The approach is four-fold: 1) to understand the fundamental struggles of a person with BPD and the challenges that this disorder brings to a relationship; 2) to understand our role in the relationship problems;  3) to learn tools and techniques to help in day to day interactions; and  4) to learn healthy and constructive ways to develop ourselves outside of the relationship.

A relationship with a borderline requires a great deal of strength - the healthy partner must assume the role of emotional caretaker or emotional leader in the relationship. This requires strength, understanding, knowledge and patience. Self-care provides us strength, understanding connects us, knowledge guides the our behavior through which we affect others and determines what is perceived. Patience and time are on our side.

Additional Guidelines for this Board: Please read the community guidelines (see link at the bottom of every thread). The following guidelines are also in effect for this board:

•Please do not urge participants to exit their relationship. Members post here to find solutions to difficult relationships. Please allow them the opportunity.

•Please do not use this board as a place to complain about your partner without seeking constructive relationship advice.  We are here to find solutions.  It is a given that  our partners are difficult.

•We are not victims and this board is not about right and wrong. Please do not  take sides in couples disputes or seek to have other members agree, support or defend your position in your relationship disputes.  This will only serve to polarize matters in your real life and make resolution further out of reach.

Additional Guidelines for this Board: Little is intuitive in a BP relationship.  We encourage all members to read our starting guide - Before You Can Make Things Better - You Have to Start by Not Making Things Worse.

[Dragon72]

I have been a bit negative and I apologize for that. I'm still new here and so still getting used to this place.

I'm also still trying to get used to the whole idea of BPD. For 3 years I thought I was the source of all problems because that's the message my wife keeps sending. So the resentment has built into depression that I clearly need to deal with.  Venting here, although inappropriate was a manifestation of that.

Having said that, I genuinely do want motivation as I have decided to stay with my wife and I do love her, but I need strategies to get to the other side of Mount Resentment and back to a situation where I want to give signs of love.

Thanks for the pointers on forum etiquette. I will do my best to abide by them!

[babyducks]

No worries Dragon72.   All is good.

I'm also still trying to get used to the whole idea of BPD. For 3 years I thought I was the source of all problems because that's the message my wife keeps sending. So the resentment has built into depression that I clearly need to deal with. 

You are absolutely right there is very little that is intuitive about BPD.   Sometimes I think it's like learning a foreign language.  While in a different country.

One of the best non technical definitions of BPD that I ever saw came from Margalis Fjelstad's book: Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist, p. 9 - 11 

I've included a cut and paste from her book.   It's good stuff.

Traits of BP/NP

Emotional Instability

- Emotional neediness, which may be covered up by a facade of independence

- Sudden emotional outbursts of rage and despair that seem random

- Belief that the emotions of the moment are totally accurate and will last forever

- Inaccurate memory of emotional events, even changing the meaning of the events after the fact

- Seeing their emotions as being caused by others or by events outside themselves, with no belief that they have any sort of control over their emotions

- Believing that the only way to change how they feel is to get other people or events to change

- Ongoing intense anxiety or fear

Thought Instability

- All-or-nothing thinking (ex. loving  you so intensely and then just as quickly reversing to hating you or thinking that they are a total failure, or conversely immensely superior)

- Intense belief in their own perceptions despite facts to the contrary

- Their interpretation of events is the only truth

- Cannot be persuaded by fact or logic

- Do not see the impact of their own behavior on others

- Deny the perceptions of others

- Accuse others of saying or doing things they didn't say or do

- Deny (even forget) negative or positive events from the past that conflict with current feelings

Behavioral Instability

- Impulsive behavior (ex. sexual acting out, reckless behavior, gambling, going into dangerous situations with little awareness

- Physically, sexually or emotionally abusive to others

- May cut, burn or mutilate themselves

- Often have addictions or other compulsive behaviors

- Create crises and chaos continuously

- Can go to suicidal thoughts when disappointed or disagreed with

Instability of a Sense of Self

- Intense fear or paranoia about being rejected, even to the extent that they need to be approved of by people they don't like

- Often change their persons, opinions or beliefs, depending on who they are with

- Lack of a consistent sense of self of who they are, or may have an overly rigid sense of self

- Often present a facade. May be fearful of being seen for "who I really am." Automatically assuming that they will be rejected or criticized.

- Out of sight, out of mind... difficulty realizing that they or others exist when not together

- Simultaneously see themselves as both inferior and superior to others

Relationship Instability

- Instantly fall in love or instantly end a relationship with no logical explanation

- Hostile, devaluing attacks on loved ones, while being charming and pleasant to strangers

- Overidealization of others (difficulty allowing others to be less than perfect, be vulnerable or make mistakes)

- Have trouble being alone even for short periods of time,yet push others away by picking fights

- Blaming, accusing and attacking loved ones for small, even trivial mistakes or incidents

- May try to avoid anticipated rejection by rejecting the other person first

- Difficulty feeling loved if the other person is not around

- Unwilling to recognize and respect the limits of others

- Demand rights, commitments and behaviors from others that they are not willing or able to reciprocate

For some reason her descriptions were a lot easier for me to see then the stuff that comes out of the DSM manual.

What was true for me was that things became somewhat easier to deal with when I embraced the idea of this being an "illness".   It wasn't  personal, although much of was directed at me, I took a strange comfort in the idea that it wasn't ~me~ she was aiming at.   We spend so much time hearing 'its all your fault" that can be damaging.   For many of us that damage ends up on old wounds.     Rebuilding our self esteem and internal sense of self is important.    It might help with the depression and resentments.   

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=56199.0

what do you think of the link?    any help there?

'ducks

[EmotionalWarfare]

Hi ducks,

You, the moderators and some of the others here with vast experience and a solid knowledge base of BPD amaze me with your pinpoint insight and the inspiring positive feedback you offer.  Your S/O is truly a lucky person.  I too, become nasty at times with my posts.  I am sorry but sometimes reading this stuff sparks memory of very painful interactions with my uPBDw that are either current situations or hurtful past memories.  Through the lessons here, interaction in the posts, and reading many articles and books related to understanding BPD and making the relationship better, I feel I've turned a corner.  I feel better about myself and my role in the relationship.  I love my wife very dearly.  When she is herself, she is amazing.  I want to do all that's in my power to get her there and stay there as much as possible.  But I also want to be the best for her during tough times too.  I want to reduce her pain and suffering because I am sure she suffers during her episodes.  I guess I'm just saying thanks.  I needed to refresh the staying guidelines.  Your comments are always very kind and encouraging.  Take very good care of yourself and thank you for your contribution to helping me make my life better. 

[Chilibean13]

We stopped celebrating VDay years ago. He says it's a holiday built by corporations to just get people to buy things. It doesn't mean anything. Him buying me flowers to show off to my friends doesn't mean he loves me or not. He shows that everyday. 

[formflier]

 I feel better about myself and my role in the relationship.  I love my wife very dearly.  When she is herself, she is amazing.  I want to do all that's in my power to get her there and stay there as much as possible.  But I also want to be the best for her during tough times too.  I want to reduce her pain and suffering because I am sure she suffers during her episodes.  I guess I'm just saying thanks.  I needed to refresh the staying guidelines.  Your comments are always very kind and encouraging.  Take very good care of yourself and thank you for your contribution to helping me make my life better. 

Your wife is lucky to have you.  I'm glad you are here.  Please think about adopting the mindset that this is a marathon and you have a lot to learn and process.  There are values that you hold that you need to consider carefully and then make decisions about how you will live those values, regardless of the choices that your wife makes.

Looking forward to posting with you more.

FF

[ladylee]

Wow baby ducks that is a very helpful description of the disorder. I am going to keep that on hand it explains my husband to a tee, now I don't feel like I have to "fix him" thank you!