Intro

[Kengai]

Hi, this is my first post. I really appreciate everyone who shares on this site. I have read many posts and am just beginning to come out of the fog and the denial of my situation. I am finding that  the clearer my view of my situation becomes, things get worse, stress goes up, and it is really hard to keep my chin up. My wife has BPD traits along with a large dose of narcissism (undiagnosed).  I have teenage and younger aged kids who are alienated from me in my own home, 3-4 hour verbal smackdowns when something triggers her and the the children are usually  within earshot, silent treatment, she moved out of the bedroom 3 years ago, no intimacy whatsoever, sleeps in the same room as my youngest, and I feel I am put in at least one no-win situation a day.  I learned about BPD from a counselor who gave me the stop walking on eggshells book 3 years ago. Since then I have been dx with inattentive add and all the challenges that go with a late dx in adults . I have a great counselor who is patient with me and is a tremendous support and is helping me work through the add, meds, and all of the above. I am just starting to grieve the loss of what I thought my marriage would be and it is really hitting me hard right now. I guess the first step of grief is that way, I am sure many on this site know that deep pain. It's tough, especially when one realizes their own kids are becoming distant and align with the other spouse to avoid conflict with her.  I know, unfortunately, i set the example for many years and now am trying to provide more healthy examples for them... .which tends to upset my wife more (holding boundaries, speaking up when i get f-bombed, namecalled, and gaslighted in front of the kids, etc). Having inattentive add in a relationship with someone with BPD and narcissistic traits is the perfect storm. My wife is high functioning and it is difficult for me to keep up with what it seems to be myriads of concerns, slights, and supposedly other issues she has with what I do and say.  I struggle with the thought that none of my options are good and how will I ever figure all this out... .it is truly overwhelming and it hurts bad. I hope to keep learning from everyone on this site and appreciate the opportunity to share my situation... many thanks.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[babyducks]

  kengai

We are glad to have you on board with us.

I am glad to hear that you read Stop Walking on Eggshells.   That is a very helpful book.   You will find a lot of similar advice and stories here.   Along with the practical advice of how to implement them.

3 to 4 hour verbal smack downs sound pretty difficult.   How are you managing to get through them now?

This is a large website so to get you started on your reading, let me include a link for you.   Just click on the green text.

The Do's and Don'ts for a BP relationship

Keep posting.   It helps to write things out. 

'ducks

[Kengai]

Thanks 'ducks. I will read that article, I am sure I have a lot of donts in my column right now.  The 3-4 hour verbal smAckdowns are sometimes the calm constant stream of criticisms but usually end up with screaming on her part and the f bombing and name calling in front of the kids.  The bait is she says things that are untrue about me, my family, and past situations so the kids can hear and I feel I have to defend otherwise they will believe her. It's a trap that works well on me and she knows it. She has told the older ones I am not to talk to them by myself and they go along with it. I am a stranger in my own house and also with 2 of my children. My younger still kind of shows he wants to be with me and we do a lot together.  I believe this is damaging to my children and am concerned. My older ones think I start the arguments and am the problem. They have said to me (in front of her) that they need her to help interpret what I say and that I will criticize them like I do her.  Except that her perceptions of criticism are not based on anything I have actually said but she will accuse me loudly and says things I never said in front of the kids and they believe it. She will yell "you think I am dumb as whale **** and hate my guts, etc, etc" and I am trying to figure out where all that came from.  Is she projecting her own self hatred onto me?

Any thoughts on how to handle this when done in front of the children?  Thanks a bunch!