Inappropriate Behavior ~

[Rock Chick]

What inappropriate behaviors/actions do people with BPD do/take part in/etc? Does it ever cross the line into stuff like touching their adult child on chest or butt or hanging their leg and arm over the adult child when they try to sleep or are laying on their bed reading? Or stuff that would of been okay when the adult child was newborn to say 7 or 8 years old but it would be considered not appropriate now that the child is an adult and say in 30s? I really dont know how to word what I am trying to say and ask... .Hoping someone gets what I mean.

[Turkish]

From your profile info, can we assume that you are referring to your boyfriend's mother who does this to him?

[Rock Chick]

From your profile info, can we assume that you are referring to your boyfriend's mother who does this to him?

This is correct but I was also wondering about BPDs in general if they do any of this kind of stuff or make inappropriate comments etc or only do this if they have some co-occurring disorder and if so what co-occurring disorders. If that makes sense.

[Turkish]

There is a term called emotional incest (see here for more), where a child in effect becomes the proxy mate for a parent with BPD. It's not necessarily physically sexual in most cases, but it can cross over into inappropriate behaviors like you describe. It can start with co-sleeping beyond an appropriate age, or co-bathing (though check the native culture, as norms can be different).

It sounds like you've observed a vibe which results in you feeling uncomfortable.

[Rock Chick]

There is a term called emotional incest (see here for more), where a child in effect becomes the proxy mate for a parent with BPD. It's not necessarily physically sexual in most cases, but it can cross over into inappropriate behaviors like you describe. It can start with co-sleeping beyond an appropriate age, or co-bathing (though check the native culture, as norms can be different).

It sounds like you've observed a vibe which results in you feeling uncomfortable.

Yes... .some of her comments and behaviors/actions make me and my boyfriend feel uncomfortable, etc. (no matter if comments are directed at me, my boyfriend, maintenance worker or whomever but esp. my boyfriend). We have tried to deal best we can with her words and behaviors/actions. We have tried to express to her in a positive way how her behaviors and words make us feel and that we have boundaries/limits and if anyone were being this way toward us or saying what saying we would feel the same. We have tried the suggestions in the numerous books and forums online and offline (like those in Christine Lawson's book about BPD mom and borderline for dummies book etc).  Just like these books and ppl suggest for other things in life when dealing with ppl with BPD like when someone with BPD calls excessively, etc. I also feel like with these behaviors and words she expressed etc that she even though she knows my boyfriend is her son she treats him at times as or thinks of him as a boyfriend/husband or father. P.S. When I posted this topic or whatnot I wasn't sure where to post it... .so Idk if it was moved to where mods/admins thought it most appropriate to go or not but I dont think I had it where is now. So if moved thanks and if its still in wrong area plz feel free to move. I am new here so I need a lil help .

[claudiaduffy]

Does it ever cross the line into stuff like touching their adult child on chest or butt or hanging their leg and arm over the adult child when they try to sleep or are laying on their bed reading? Or stuff that would of been okay when the adult child was newborn to say 7 or 8 years old but it would be considered not appropriate now that the child is an adult and say in 30s?

Hi, Rock Chick,

Both my mom (uBPD, recently deceased) and my husband's mom (uBPD, we've been completely no contact for two years) would occasionally behave in ways that sound like you describe. Giving little back massages, caresses, holding hands, leaning on shoulders, et cetera. My mom did this to my husband as well as to me, and his mom tried to do it to me too a few times (though in general she wanted me out of her life so much that she didn't try to get cuddly.)

The last time my mom saw me, she tried tickling me on the sides as I was bent over trying to put a heavy glass bowl in a lower cupboard. I can't imagine what on earth would make her do that, but I suppose I should be thankful it wasn't pinching my rear instead. She's done that before, too.

[Rock Chick]

Both my mom (uBPD, recently deceased) and my husband's mom (uBPD, we've been completely no contact for two years) would occasionally behave in ways that sound like you describe.

My BPD also is jealous of me (sometimes others... .her daughters, bfs coworkers, my family, etc) and has even admitted it at times. Also some her comments make me really think again that she thinks she is in a relationship with her son... .a relationship like i have with her son. But at other times she is like 'ewww gross you two stop kissing'. Its not like we make out in front of her its just a quick peck on the cheek or lips. She also complains when my bf tries to spend his time how he wants well what lil free time he has when he isnt sleeping or working. Did/does your BPDs act this way claudiaduffy?

Anyone else's? Anyone have any suggestions on how to deal with her and this behavior? We have tried telling her how makes us feel, tried setting limits/boundaries, etc. She ignores us or says I know or denies things or gets upset or says something like 'u think i am molesting my son/you or i'm a molester, etc. etc.

[sunshine529]

My mom is like this and has been all throughout childhood. I'm still trying to figure it all out, but I think it falls under the severe lack of boundaries some BPDs possess. In addition to being touchy-feely as you describe, my mom would always leave the bathroom door open when using the toilet, walk around the house in her underwear, etc. I have no advice as I'm trying to gain more insight myself, but letting you know you're not alone.

[claudiaduffy]

My BPD also is jealous of me (sometimes others... .her daughters, bfs coworkers, my family, etc) and has even admitted it at times. Also some her comments make me really think again that she thinks she is in a relationship with her son... .a relationship like i have with her son. But at other times she is like 'ewww gross you two stop kissing'. Its not like we make out in front of her its just a quick peck on the cheek or lips. She also complains when my bf tries to spend his time how he wants well what lil free time he has when he isnt sleeping or working. Did/does your BPDs act this way claudiaduffy?

Yes, they both did. I think it's a desire to have the intimacy they see others having, that they realize they do not have. My mom would frequently do things like jump in on online conversations that weren't about her, using pet names for my friends (like calling Susan "Suz", even when that wasn't a nickname Susan used), et cetera.

I don't really have any advice for how to handle it. We ended up cutting off my uBPDmil for other reasons (violence and drastic aggression/manipulation) and my uBPDm lived 14 hours away so we only had to tolerate her in-person weirdness occasionally and mostly just ignored the online/phone weirdness. I occasionally called her out on the online stuff, but only for the worst of it.

[Rock Chick]

In addition to being touchy-feely as you describe, my mom would always leave the bathroom door open when using the toilet, walk around the house in her underwear, etc.

Was just re-reading over some replies to my topic here and noticed something in your post sunshine529. The BPD in my life she leaves the bathroom door open too when using the toilet. Which would be fine if nobody but her is home but when you have guests like myself and others and its a one bedroom tiny apartment one could at least shut the door one would think. And when we try to get her to shut the door she just throws a hissy fit or reacts in a way a kid would and used kid vocabulary replies or once and a blue moon will do as we ask but again usually complains about it.

[Starting_Over]

My dad would walk around naked, and he did not care that no else in the house wanted to see him naked. This happened up until I moved out at 25.  When I was a kid (up until I was a preteen and out right refused) he would force me to bring him things while he was in the bath. At best he would cover up with a wash clothes.

[ophnoh]

For my mwBPD, most of her inappropriateness has to do with her complete lack of boundaries.

As a child I would see her nude very often. I saw her nude on a near daily basis, either because she'd change in front of me or in her nightly rituals. She would have a bath every night and would make a ritual of me sitting next to the bath and talking to her (usually where she'd just rant about how much she hated my father).

She was open about sex when I was very young. My first understanding of sex was when she told me, in graphic detail, that my grandfather had molested me (something she fabricated... .long story). She'd tell me every night, as she put me to bed, that my grandfather had been sexually inappropriate with me etc.

When I was about 17 or 18 I had my first gynecological exam. Prior to the exam my mother insisted that she go into the appointment with me. I told her I was not comfortable with this (honestly... .how weird is it that she wanted to go in?) and she got extremely angry. She sat me down at the dining room table with my step-father, brother (who is severely autistic), and sister (who was 5 at the time) and for three hours straight they took turns screaming and yelling at me for being a horrible person, that it was disrespectful of me to not allow my mother to go into the appointment with me, that I should be ashamed of myself etc. At the time I didn't realize how messed up this was ("family meetings" where everyone ganged up on me was very, very, VERY commonplace... .oddly, I was the only one they ever ganged up on)... .the few people I've told this story to have told me that it is incredibly inappropriate on so many levels. For one, it's inappropriate that she wanted to sit by me through my gynecological exam when I was at that age. Secondly, the "family meetings", in general, were downright abusive. Finally, the fact that something so personal as a gynecological exam would be discussed with my siblings/step-father is incredibly bizarre and creepy on so many levels. It's amazing... .that incident was so inappropriate and it's taken me years to realize that because I truly felt guilty/bad/at fault for establishing a boundary regarding my body.

There are more incidents but these stand out the most... .

[katydid27]

Some BPDs do not see their spouses/kids as separate people.  More like extension of themselves. But whether from the BPD or something else, going around touching her adult son on chest or butt?  Hanging her leg and arm over the adult son when he tries to sleep? That is just NOT appropriate behavior. She's copping a feel!

You and BF keep explaining to her after the fact and expecting her to change her behavior next time.  How many times do you have to explain before you finally accept that she doesn't care to change her behavior?

She already copped a feel today for her jollies, so she got what she wanted. She can tune you out after that. 

Boundaries are for you. You make them and they define what you will and will not put up with.  When people cross the line? There's a consequence that YOU do.

If you observe her copping a feel? You could shout "Stop copping a feel off your son. That's not ok."

Your BF could shout "NO. Stop touching my butt!" and fling his mom's arm off him. ":)o not touch me like that! It is not ok!"

And expect some "You are so sensitive!" or "You are making a big fuss about nothing" kind of reaction. Rather than own their behavior and apologize, they might try to make it be like something is the matter with you. If so?

He could say "That's right! I'm sensitive! And if you do it again you can expect me to make another fuss! You copping feels off me is NOT ok!"

Otherwise the only other thing I can think of that you can do is to not be around her at all. Then there's no body around to be touching -- appropriately or inappropriately.

Katydid

[Rock Chick]

Okay I am kinda awful at wording things sometimes so bare with me here in my reply to ppls new comments. We have expressed to her that we do not like what she does and says (rather it be towards others, me or her son... .although its usually towards her son). That its inappropriate and needs to stop as well (for example although say other stuff too... .he says 'mom stop i dont like that' and tries to push her away or I say 'stop that... .its inappropriate its not ok and makes us feel uncomfortable'. We set boundaries (as someone said boundaries are for us) we express those to her. She crosses the boundaries/ignores them all or most the time. She also yells back things like 'Oh so you think I am molesting my son. That I am a child molester." or "I am not molesting my son. I dont do that. I'm not like that you know that" etc. We have not used those words or term with her that she has said. We have told her like expressed earlier that her behavior and actions and words etc are inappropriate, we dont like them, they need to stop, we have boundaries, etc. I think some BPDs (like ours) spousalfy and parentify their kids/adult kids. Even if they (BPDs) say they dont think that they treat their kids as any thing other than and think of their kids as anything other than their kids they still do treat them as and think of them as a parent or spouse and behave in a way towards them as such if that makes sense or i worded that right. I think too what katydid27 said they do not see their spouse/kids as separate ppl its more like extension of self can be true too. Would this behavior and way she acts be something that you guys and gals here think we should bring up to our BPDs psychologist? Do you think this action would make things worse or not or matter etc? Is this behavior and words she says typical of any other personality disorders or mental disorders if so what ones just curious? I wish we could avoid her all the time and not be around her all the time but they share a tiny apartment right now (he moved in to help her out so many yrs back) and its now not possible for him to move out yet due to falling on hard times financially (he just doesnt make enough to be to get his own apartment or place). Although we are trying to fix that. What sucks too even if we are not around her in person she calls constantly when we are not at the apartment. Not that she says the things discussed in this topic on the phone. But ya I guess we are just starting to feel like giving up having no hope and that she is so severely BPD and mentally ill that she is beyond help (esp our help) and will someday end up and have to be in either a mental institution, homeless on the street or in jail due to her actions words illnesses etc. Idk. Thanks for your feedback help and support all. Its not easy day to day for us but your guys' support helps us carry on.