NC pep talk thread part 3

[Rmbrworst]

Continuation of this thread

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=289202.60

Much love 

[steelwork]

Someone asked earlier what other ways of detaching there are, besides NC. For me I think a big one is making connections between this broken relationship and others I've had. Not with men, particularly--more with family members. Part of the reason this breakup felt different, I think, is that the dynamics were ancient. In the process of grieving, I keep being reminded of things that happened long ago before I ever knew him. The more I follow those connections, the farther away he becomes. Does that make sense?

[steelwork]

In the process of grieving, I keep being reminded of things that happened long ago before I ever knew him. The more I follow those connections, the farther away he becomes. Does that make sense?

Okay, maybe an example would help.

I was really in anguish about trying to interpret D's actions after the discard, read the tea leaves of every ambiguous exchange. He'd indicate some unfinished business but then retreat when I invited deeper conversation. I found myself constructing all these theories about what he was thinking. He was punishing me! He was protecting himself! He was scared of me! He was trying not to get my hopes up! Etc.

It occurred to me that this reminded me of my relationship with my mother. She was very depressed and remote when I was a kid, and she made a lot of moves in her life that had negative impacts on my life. Not worth listing. The point is that, as I agonized over D and what he was thinking, it suddenly occurred to me that I'd spent much of my childhood inventing an inner life for my mother that would explain her behavior towards me while preserving my belief that she loved me. (I think she didn't--that she wasn't capable of it, really.)

In all my rumination over D, the one possibility I couldn't entertain without excruciating pain was that he wasn't following through on the promised conversation because he was indifferent to me now. I worked with that pain for a while, turned it over in my hands. I kind of decided that the pain was not just over him--it was over my mother as well. In fact, it was probably more about my mother than about him. The more I considered this, the smaller he became in the overall picture.

A step towards detachment, I hope.

[kc sunshine]

This is super interesting-- the connection to the FOO issues make a lot of sense, but also the attention to the "one possibility that brings us so much pain"-- that my ex doesn't care is one of my big ones and also that she is so wrapped up with my replacement is another. I'll think of how those relate to my own FOO issues. Thanks for the insight steelwork!

I was really in anguish about trying to interpret D's actions after the discard, read the tea leaves of every ambiguous exchange. He'd indicate some unfinished business but then retreat when I invited deeper conversation. I found myself constructing all these theories about what he was thinking. He was punishing me! He was protecting himself! He was scared of me! He was trying not to get my hopes up! Etc.

In all my rumination over D, the one possibility I couldn't entertain without excruciating pain was that he wasn't following through on the promised conversation because he was indifferent to me now.

A step towards detachment, I hope.

[kc sunshine]

Day 2 of back of NC (but day 9 of DNR, Release with Grace!) and things are okay. I'd say I'm a 5 on the thinking/ruminating about her scale-- down from a 7 last week! More strong than the urge to contact her now is the urge to check social media but so far so good. I'm trying not to feed the anxiety beast 

[Rmbrworst]

Out with friends,  a little tipsy, want to text the ex, but I won't.  Coming here instead and telling you guys.

Much love.

[kc sunshine]

Out with friends,  a little tipsy, want to text the ex, but I won't.  Coming here instead and telling you guys.

Much love.

so good rmbrworst, we're right here. don't do it.

I won't look at social media, even though I'm bored and really want to.

[Rmbrworst]

Out with friends,  a little tipsy, want to text the ex, but I won't.  Coming here instead and telling you guys.

Much love.

so good rmbrworst, we're right here. don't do it.

I won't look at social media, even though I'm bored and really want to.

Hang in there.  I'm glad you responded.  The support is amazing.  Much love

[JSF13]

It's not worth it. I have wanted to all day today and was like don't do it. She'll want that. You deserve far better. Don't. I too am having a few drinks. Won't do it at all!

[Rmbrworst]

It's not worth it. I have wanted to all day today and was like don't do it. She'll want that. You deserve far better. Don't. I too am having a few drinks. Won't do it at all!

Same here .  I won't text him.  Not worth it.

[kc sunshine]

Won't do it today either! Day 3 NC, Day 10 do not resuscitate/release with grace! I did have a little reconciliation fantasy going in my head mid-day, but I'm gonna leave that be as a fantasy. And oh man though I want to, I won't check social media.

[Anez]

Good work, KC! Don't check social media. It will become easier to not have the urge to look. I haven't looked in a long time.

I had a good weekend. Went out with a girl Friday night, had fun with friends all day Saturday, and spent today watching football with friends.

Didn't think about my ex that much all weekend. It's been great. Finding out Friday that she stopped going to therapy has helped me a bunch. If she's not gonna work on herself then why would I think she's worth the space in my brain?

She's not. On to the next... .

[MapleBob]

16 days now, I think. I have no temptation to reach out to her, but I am still thinking about her sometimes, and wondering if I'll hear from her again. I never actually stayed away before, so I can't really predict what she'll do. I guess it doesn't matter!

[woofbarkmeowbeep]

Wow you guys are amazing... I haven't spoken to her in 10 days, but I really want to try and have sex with her... .Ive only got three more weeks left in her city before I leave the country... and... man... I wanna do it... but... not sure how she would respond... Or is that a bad idea? is NC always best despite her being a sexual beast?

[Rmbrworst]

Wow you guys are amazing... I haven't spoken to her in 10 days, but I really want to try and have sex with her... .Ive only got three more weeks left in her city before I leave the country... and... man... I wanna do it... but... not sure how she would respond... Or is that a bad idea? is NC always best despite her being a sexual beast?

I think this says more about you than her personally.

I mean, is it really that important?  I miss sex w/ my exBPD too but . . . I'm not willing to deal with all those intense emotions and all that craziness just to get laid. 

It will probably also open up an emotional can of worms inside yourself that you're probably not prepared for.

That's just my take on it anyway.

[woofbarkmeowbeep]

Wow you guys are amazing... I haven't spoken to her in 10 days, but I really want to try and have sex with her... .Ive only got three more weeks left in her city before I leave the country... and... man... I wanna do it... but... not sure how she would respond... Or is that a bad idea? is NC always best despite her being a sexual beast?

I think this says more about you than her personally.

I mean, is it really that important?  I miss sex w/ my exBPD too but . . . I'm not willing to deal with all those intense emotions and all that craziness just to get laid. 

It will probably also open up an emotional can of worms inside yourself that you're probably not prepared for.

That's just my take on it anyway.

You are right. I'm just so caught up in it all I am thinking of various ways I can 'have her back' in a sense... I know logically that none of that is a good idea.

[MapleBob]

It will probably also open up an emotional can of worms inside yourself that you're probably not prepared for.

I wholeheartedly agree with this, and I also relate!

[steelwork]

Wow you guys are amazing... I haven't spoken to her in 10 days, but I really want to try and have sex with her... .Ive only got three more weeks left in her city before I leave the country... and... man... I wanna do it... but... not sure how she would respond... Or is that a bad idea? is NC always best despite her being a sexual beast?

My feeling is: sex is a bad idea if you still care about her or hold even ashred of hope.

[kc sunshine]

I'm with the rest of the gang here though I TOTALLY know what you mean woofbarkmeowbeep!

Day 4 NC (11 DNR, RWG)... .long day ahead of me of resisting the urge to check social media! It's weird how that is stronger even than the urge to contact her-- why is that? Anyway, I'm going to try to make progress on work stuff that will make me feel good in other ways. Fingers crossed.

[steelwork]

Day 4 NC (11 DNR, RWG)... .long day ahead of me of resisting the urge to check social media! It's weird how that is stronger even than the urge to contact her-- why is that? Anyway, I'm going to try to make progress on work stuff that will make me feel good in other ways. Fingers crossed.

Nice going!

At this point, urge to contact is overwhelmed by fear of contact. I want the fear to be gone.

Social media: no risk. Maybe that's why the urge is stronger.

[Anez]

Rmbrworst:

Not sure how two of the same threads started. I didn't start a new thread this weekend as I wasn't around much but I'm loving all the support everyone is opening in both threads!

is there a way to combine them? Probably not, I'm guessing.

Stay strong, everyone. Keep coming back here and offering your support and sharing your stories. We are all getting through this together.