I could tell the dysregulation was coming last night

[formflier]

She held it together last night.  I validated.  Honestly I could see the struggle.

She "firmly" walked out of the room and went up stairs.  I asked if she was coming back to bed or was going to stay up a bit.  She said she would stay up a bit.

Apparently slept with the kids all night.  Came down for a snuggle this morning about 830 am.  I had been lounging for a while.  Well, she got into all these things that "she wasn't going to put up with.  However, she was calm and it didn't sound abusive so I hung with it and tried to validate, listen and be present. 

Try as I might I could see that it was brewing.  I tried to suggest some topics but she kept pushing back towards whatever was on her mind.

Well, after an hour or so talk I enjoyed out snuggle and talk time but needed a break as I was a bit emotionally drained.  Was true. 

Well she said I couldn't take a break because it was time to talk about me having a job, her tone and manner instantly became abusive.  I left the room and she followed me around the house for 10 minutes hollering at me.

I would go in room and lock door and she would unlock it and come in.  She came through 5 locked doors to get to me.   If I had been dressed I would have left.  The level of intensity was such I didn't want to stay still to get dressed.

She finally gave up that tactic and called someone in her family and started loudly (so everyone in house could hear) explaining my plans to take advantage of her and hide money.  Complete fantasy.

I got dressed, got S15 and S13 and went to do some unloading of our storage facility.

Back now.  She has toned it down a notch or two but is still upset.

Sigh.

3 weekends in a row.  Good news is I got a wonderful nights sleep, there was no TV or other noise.

FF

[thefixermom]

When I think back to the years of all the abuse I've lived through, the public shaming was the hardest for me. The physical attacks were scarier but having the outside world, whether it's my extended family or neighbors or strangers on the street, be witness to the proclamations of how horrible of a wife or mother I was, shamed me in a way that made it hard to come out of my house. Man oh man, I hated the outside world being brought into our chaos and both my D and exH knew it because that was always their weapon when the explosions peaked. They had no shame about being seen jumping out of a car during the day in busy downtown or screaming at me from the top of their lungs on the front porch. I think they loved the horrified look on my face or seeing me plead to take it back inside or get back in the car. It was a definite way to control me back then. 

Is there a way your wife can hide money from you?  I usually got my signals of what my D or exH was planning to do by listening to the things they accused me of doing.

Hope your day goes better.  Wonder if she resents you having a good night's sleep by yourself... .ie she would rather you come plead with her to come to bed because you are miserable without her.

[formflier]

 

She has hidden money in the past and has her own accounts.  Realizes that because of that I am never going back to "only" joint accounts.  Her version of money is it is ours if she wants to discuss it and pretend to be together.  Then when she dysregulates she does as she pleases.

We have a sizable settlement coming.  It is in my name.  She has already "announced" two or three different plans for what is going to happen with that money.  Basically today she accused me of planning to give the money to my parents so it would be out of her control.  Couple years ago she wrote a $10k check to her Dad "for work he did for us". 

I'm pretty good at not reacting and acting with fear.  I just disengage and go somewhere else.  It's been a while since I have been followed around the house and had her unlock doors to continue the pursuit.

FF

[Daniell85]

If you are in a position to give the money away on your own, then it is already out of her control.

My ex husband repeatedly persued me around our home at the beginning of our relatioship. I would lock myself in the bathroom and he would stand outside the door talking at me. I felt so cornered once (panicked, angry, a lot of upset) , I threw a key ring with a few keys on it at him. Totally missed, after that he was obsessed with proving me violent and mentally ill. It was all I heard the entire marriage. I ended the marriage over the complete harrassment of that which never seemed to stop the whole 8 years of it.

Probably you don't throw key rings.

I am a little wary of your wife's politeness in the last couple days.  This money thing sounds very big to her and must have been lurking close to the surface.

[Verbena]

This is getting serious.  Have you spoken to that lawyer yet?  Have you recorded any of these episodes? 

[formflier]

This is getting serious.  Have you spoken to that lawyer yet?  Have you recorded any of these episodes? 

Yes, recorded runs just about all the time.  To protect myself.

Using them as "proof" doesn't go well, but I will use as needed.

FF

[thefixermom]

I recorded my dysregulated adult D with her permission once because I was hoping she would calm down knowing it was being recorded. She let me do it because as she said, "Good, I want to have everyone see what's going on here." But by the end of her rage she changed her mind and came after me, trying to get the camera disk. I don't know how I managed to keep her from getting it. She was bigger and stronger than me but I had adrenaline on my side, I suppose. Finally, my current husband (not her dad) came to the door. I did not want him to get involved physically and be wrongly accused with no other witness so I told him to call in reinforcements and for 30 minutes I was dragged all over the house, refusing to let go.  It's almost like watching a bad comedy looking back... .furniture toppled and at one point, she did get the disk in her hands but I wouldn't let her go and she made it to the bathroom climbed up on the bathtub, trying to get out the small window with me holding her, LOL... .Finally, my brother, a big man, showed up and was able to help me pin her and pry the disk from her hands.  So... .just be careful!  You get entangled physically with your wife with no witnesses and she might get scuffed up and accuse you of hitting her.

As for the funds, I had a similar experience, too, back in the past. I inherited money and because it came from my parents, my spouse had no legal right to it. I kept it separate and did not co-mingle so as to keep it my sole property.  He didn't like that one bit but I was not going to put my parents' gift to me at risk. It meant too much, coming from them. Plus he was a drinker and the last thing I wanted was to be financially responsible if he caused some bad accident.  

[Notwendy]

One repeated theme is your wife being concerned about you not being employed. It makes logical sense if you have a disability, but that may not be how it feels to your wife. I recall when my father was ill and he was not physically able to do the things for my mother that he used to. My mother did not understand this. She didn't see that the reason he didn't do these things was because he could not. As far as she was concerned, he could do them, but he was refusing to on purpose, and she would get angry at that.

Some of the issues that I hear your wife saying remind me of that. You have written that she has said thing like " you are being lazy" and her comments about you not working and ignoring your sleep needs. She may see this things as you doing something to her.

I have told the story of my mother believing that when I was a toddler, I threw up on her floor on purpose. The way she tells it is that ,I ran into her room, found the exact spot to throw up on ,and then, did it. The more likely story is that I had a stomach ache, ran to her room looking for her for comfort, and threw up. Only in her mind could a toddler throw up on her carpet on purpose. Your wife may be thinking some things like that about you.

[formflier]

Thefixermom,

Wow, that was some serious "crazymaking" going on at your house that night.  

By mutual agreement we recorded a couple of our conversations and also used to write down our agreements and talks from counseling.  Everyone can quickly fill in the blanks as to why my wife wanted to not have agreements written down and not have proof of what is actually said.

My plan, and I think the best general advice is to use recordings for your own protection.  In other words, don't let them know they are being recorded and only play them if it matters to the authorities, police, judges etc etc.

My brother in law (ex at this point as he divorced my wife's sister) was saved from going to jail by a recording.  My SIL went up the road from his house and banged her arm in the car door several times so it looked injured.  She called 911 and claimed he had done it.  

Police talked to her first and went to door to arrest him.  They mentioned to him the allegations and he said "hold on a minute, would you guys like to listen to what actually happened".  They listened and told him that was the only reason he was not going to jail.

IMO, he wussed out when he didn't have his lawyer press for false reports or other issues out of this.  

FF

[formflier]

  As far as she was concerned, he could do them, but he was refusing to on purpose, and she would get angry at that.

  Your wife may be thinking some things like that about you.

She is.  And sometimes even with regulated will say things like this.  And the thing is, I do work.  We have family property (rentals and such), I do some handyman work (although this is sporadic), I do rideshare (uber).  And I have a fairly active executive search going on.

Then she will try to pin me down with ridiculous questions "Are you saying that you are not able to do any work at all?" 

I am not letting her run my search.  She was heavily involved in my last executive search, and generally had some good ideas, but the moment I didn't apply to a place she wanted me to apply to or phrase something the way she wanted it.  It went south, fast.

One of the things my wife said about today (we had a reasonable talk) is that "just because you don't like a subject, doesn't mean you get to not talk about it"

To her credit, she quietly listened (we were alone) as I stated that I wanted to be on her team, bring my abilities to the team and that there was no topic I could imagine that I would not be able to discuss with her.  I went on to state that there was no topic that I was going to discuss in a disrespectful manner.

She got shifty at that and tried to pin me down on what I was saying (trying to get me to accuse her).  I said that her conversation style was fine for her, and that she should not hear anything I was saying as me saying she is wrong, bad or anything else negative.

That I want to meet her where she is at for her conversations (her stuff) and that I hoped she could meet me where I am at for my conversations (my stuff).  That I didn't expect her to discuss her teaching career and her work like they way I want to discuss it and that I won't be discussing my career in a way I don't want to discuss it.

She was still shifty, and neither of us had much more to say, so I exited the conversation.

She seems calmer.

FF

[Grey Kitty]

thoughts for you... .mostly in the 20/20 hindsight perspective.

You could tell she was likely to dysregulate soon. You had a sense of things getting ready to go south. Your comment "If I had been dressed i would have left." ... .That sense of something going to happen was your cue to make sure you were prepared for a quick exit.

One of the things my wife said about today (we had a reasonable talk) is that "just because you don't like a subject, doesn't mean you get to not talk about it"

To her credit, she quietly listened (we were alone) as I stated that I wanted to be on her team, bring my abilities to the team and that there was no topic I could imagine that I would not be able to discuss with her.  I went on to state that there was no topic that I was going to discuss in a disrespectful manner.

You could make this one better (and any time you won't talk to her when she's being abusive) by making your statements completely about you, not about her.

"There is no topic I could imagine not being able to discuss with you, however there are TIMES when I cannot discuss some topic, and some where I cannot discuss any topic with you."

It is truthful--when she's dysregulated and abusive, you cannot accomplish anything.

Look at it this way--she actually KNOWS she is being abusive, but she doesn't want to admit or acknowledge that she's being abusive. Turning the fight into that is not helping anything out.

... .her tone and manner instantly became abusive.  I left the room and she followed me around the house for 10 minutes hollering at me.

[... .]

She finally gave up that tactic and called someone in her family and started loudly (so everyone in house could hear) explaining my plans to take advantage of her and hide money.

This inspired more on that thought. First, talking about how something she said in the past was disrespectful or abusive isn't going to help much, and I'd avoid that unless it comes up in couples therapy. I might even avoid it if possible there.

Second... .the time to address that is immediately. "I will not be spoken to this way." or "I will not be spoken to abusively."

Since her "fallback" is also a pattern... .and it fits in the parental alienation category, you might want to enforce a boundary there too. Maybe like this... .telling her "That is (abusive/disrespectful/whatever choice of words) and is not acceptable. Do not talk that way when our children can overhear." And NOT PUT UP WITH IT. When she keeps at it, bundle all the kids up and get them all out of the house. (She probably can't simultaneously keep b___ing about you and control the kids, at least not as effectively)

In EITHER case, the point is to convince her that you will not tolerate this behavior. NOT engage with her trying to get her to agree that this behavior is "wrong."

[formflier]

When she keeps at it, bundle all the kids up and get them all out of the house. (She probably can't simultaneously keep b___ing about you and control the kids, at least not as effectively)

I'm not going to win this battle right now and perhaps never.  She is good enough to kids and is/was primary caregiver so that if she says "get it that van" and I say "get in that truck", I'm 99% sure that most would follow her direction.

They also know there is a price to pay for crossing her and there is not a price to pay for crossing me.

There is normal discipline from me, so if you don't get something done, I won't protect them from consequence or will impose a consequence such as no TV, or extra chores. 

I could probably get away with a couple of kids.

Now, if the counseling situation ever turns into a "family" thing again, I would certainly want to get a safety plan out in the open.

In fact, once we get first counseling scheduled I will need to have a thread or two about that.  But I think topic of discussion at some point should be parental alienation and safety in house (following around, unlocking doors, etc etc)

FF

[Notwendy]

I agree with GK about not tolerating abusive behavior or parental alienation.

I do wonder though if these dysregulations are also fueled by some unresolved issues. Your wife seems upset about the change in roles- her working and you being the SAH parent. Even though this is possibly the best arrangement for your family, she may still have feelings about this. Also fears, if there is a change in financial status. Even though things may be better in the future, she may still have fears.

All families have stresses at times in one way or another- moving, money, kids, schools. It would be normal for these issues to cause feelings. BPD may change how a couple deals with these stresses, but not all of the feelings about them are because someone has BPD.

It just seems to me that one thing opens up a whole can of worms for her. It seems to me that the two of you are both very stressed right now. What options are there for each of you to deal with that?

[formflier]

 

GK,

She seems on to the tactic of making it about me.  Ignores it and presses on with what she is saying.  It used to make an impact.  I still say it.

I don't want to say I can quote how I disengaged but it went something like this,

"Look babe, my brain is fried, I can't process any more heavy conversations right now, I'll be able to visit this later"  I was a bit emotional about my father and potential living situations.  She brought up the topic of what they are doing (my parents) and my answer was "I don't know, that's their business".  She kept wanting me to suggest to them that they move into a retirement home or perhaps buy a country place to keep horses.  After 10 minutes or so on this conversation I said (pretty close to a quote).  "The topic of my parents is an emotional one for me.  I'd much rather go back to talking about sex (an earlier topic she brought up).  I need some space on the topic of my parents"

To her credit, she switched and didn't push the parents thing again.  From my perspective, if my parents want my help sorting out their living situation, they will ask.  

We had been laying in bed cuddling, talking, I would try to validate what I could for about an hour.  There is history to support a long morning cuddle to turn the tide.  Probably a 50/50 proposition.

Anyway, she wanted to get into money discussion about what to do with a potential settlement that we may be getting.  Actually she was telling me what I was going to do, which was take money, move several states away and work on a property we own.

Note:  I was aware that she was iffy from night before.  I was hopeful that we could turn things or end good and I was aware that we had been having a decent to good conversation for about an hour.  She did not want me to leave, that was obvious by the cuddling and such.  But I knew that I needed to detach from the convo, it was getting long.

Well, once she started telling me about what was going to happen with the settlement, I let her know that I couldn't discuss it and that the settlement is not a done deal.  Until money is in hand, there is no money to spend.  There is decent chance the settlement will collapse and we may proceed with lawsuit.  Sigh,  She has heard all this, then will act cludo.   So yes, she likely feels she is being excluded from process and doesn't know what is going on.

Lawsuits, settlements, lawyers, all of that is adult business for people that can act like adults.  It's all in my name and I have boundaries set up to limit her chances of sabotage.  No, I haven't explained this to her or "accused" her of not acting like an adult.

Anyway that was the lead up to the behavior I experienced on Sunday.  

FF

[formflier]

It just seems to me that one thing opens up a whole can of worms for her. It seems to me that the two of you are both very stressed right now. What options are there for each of you to deal with that?

She says that they only thing she is willing to do is to go to this Biblical counseling place (it's the best there is, in her opinion) and get me the help I need.

Topic of "dealing with her stress" is not open to discussion/not approachable at home.  She instantly starts with the "are you saying something is wrong with me, I deal with it just fine, etc etc"  Been a long time since we have attempted that convo.

Yes I am stressed, I think I am managing it well.  I am surprised I am accomplishing as much as I have.  Sleep is up to  about 80% good range.  Last night she slept with kids.  She installed a TV in their room and at some point during the night I heard it.  No idea if kids were up or asleep.  Probably one in the morning when I was aware it was on.  It was far enough away I was able to get to sleep and it didn't bother me.

Notwendy,

What do you think would have happened in your family if your Dad stood up to your mom's behavior?  Stood up as in properly used tools and then gave her choices such as live in the home and behave properly (with her associated household help) or he would restructure the r/s so that people that dysregulate regularly, use abuse and shame as a tactic don't live in same house.  Note:  Door is left open so that should she resolve her stuff she could come back.

If this is too personal/hard to think about and answer, I understand.  I see lots of similarities in our stories.  My wife is able to do the work of a housewife and sometimes does it extremely well.  It has rarely been consistent.

FF

[Fian]

My guess is that your wife is feeling trapped.  People with BPD often have troubles at work and don't like their coworkers.  She wants to flee that situation, but she can't, because your family needs the money.  So her solution is to push you to get a job.  Once you get a job, she can leave her unpleasant work situation, and everything will be fine (in her eyes).

[Cat Familiar]

FF, I'm so sorry you're having to deal with all her stuff again. The move, in addition to being in proximity to her FOO, seems to really have undermined the health of your relationship.

I'm going to jump in and try to answer the question you posed to Notwendy. I remember when I was about 5 or 6 that my BPD mother asked me if she divorced my dad, who I would choose to live with. I told her I'd run away. I think the divorce theme was ongoing for a number of years as both parents repeatedly asked me who I loved the most. (I know, not a healthy dynamic for a young child, but they certainly didn't know better. My father never mentioned divorce--I think he was just trying to get a read on my preferences.)

As I grew up, I frequently tried to mediate in their disputes. My mother's tactic was to get loud and emotional and my father would try to use logic to no avail. On a few occasions I remember her pushing him to his limits (she could be really nasty and underhanded in the way she argued) and it was really scary to me when he'd finally get angry. He never acted poorly, the volume just got louder and the veins in his forehead became pronounced.

He did his best, but he certainly didn't have tools that you have, FF. In response, my mother just became more illogical, difficult and set in her ways. Ultimately, he just withdrew and gave up and resigned himself to the situation of being married to an irrational wife. I think about it now and it really makes me sad.

The question you pose has a number of difficulties, as I'm sure you're aware. There is an inherent imbalance of power in that one partner can impose his will upon the other to leave the home. If you play that card, FF, I doubt if your relationship will ever recover. She will always harbor a sense of resentment that you were able to disempower her.

I sure don't have any good ideas and I can see it's an untenable situation for you as it currently exists. One thing nice (or not nice) about life is that things always change--sometimes too quickly, sometimes not quickly enough.  

[Notwendy]

FF, that is a difficult question, because, I have to consider that in his era, there was no information or support about BPD. I know my mother has been seen by many professionals, but not much was effective because I don't think even they had the correct diagnosis or tools to help my parents.

I don't think my father had much of a choice. Along with the lack of information about BPD in his time, my mother has made several suicide threats, and I think at least one attempt. I can only recall this vaguely as we kids were sent to stay with relatives for a while, and when we came home, it was as if it didn't happen. I think the trauma of this, for him, influenced how he responded to her. He did love her very much.

I do think his constant appeasing her also reinforced her behavior. She would use it as a threat " do this or I will cause a scene".

If I had an imaginary time machine where my parents were young today, then, there would be a diagnosis at the beginning, and my father would have access to the information here, the lessons and the support. He would have known that appeasing is not a long term solution but he would also have other tools besides that. If my mother had tried to harm herself, then she would have been hospitalized, and maybe gotten the correct treatment. So, there are a lot of things that could be done differently now, but he could only do the best he could with what he had then.

[Grey Kitty]

I'm not going to win this battle right now and perhaps never.  She is good enough to kids and is/was primary caregiver so that if she says "get it that van" and I say "get in that truck", I'm 99% sure that most would follow her direction.

They also know there is a price to pay for crossing her and there is not a price to pay for crossing me.

There is normal discipline from me, so if you don't get something done, I won't protect them from consequence or will impose a consequence such as no TV, or extra chores. 

I could probably get away with a couple of kids.

Translation:

When the chips are down, FF Wife is gonna do whatever she's gonna do, FF is gonna cave, or at least put up with it, and the rest of the family will go along with her.

You know it. She knows it. The kids know it.

And she's willing to go all-in for anything or nothing when she's agitated for some (often unrelated, possibly even unknown) reason.

She's not gonna change her role in this if she has a choice. You have to decide if you are going to put up with it.

Another possible option if you want to take a stand: Telling her that speaking of you like this in front of the kids is not acceptable behavior, as firmly as you need to, and as loud as you need to in order to drown her out. [I know that there is history about you getting angry and yelling. Can you do this sounding like you seriously mean it, but NOT sounding angry/raging?

This one is gonna be tough. She *knows* she can get away with this. Any changes will involve going through her extinction burst. So when you are ready to stop it, have your plan ready for taking this all the way to a 911 call if it has to go that far.

[KateCat]

My guess is that your wife is feeling trapped.  People with BPD often have troubles at work and don't like their coworkers.  She wants to flee that situation, but she can't, because your family needs the money.  So her solution is to push you to get a job.  Once you get a job, she can leave her unpleasant work situation, and everything will be fine (in her eyes).

I wasn't brave enough to be the first person to say this. Thank you, Fian.

What if, for the future, you make the assumption that your wife can't work outside the home? Plan, with the support of others, for this to be the case?

Remember you wrote something recently about your wife pounding out a thunderous email communication to the principal of her new school? This is not a good sign for a new employee's job stability.

In the end, I think her attempt at full-time, professional work is a good thing for your learning curve. It gives you a bunch of data to work with.

[Grey Kitty]

Here is the other direction to work on your marriage... .

Keep asking yourself ... ."What is stressing FF Wife out?" I mean think about it seriously long and hard at least every week if not every day.

You identified that she's probably fretting about the possible settlement and associated money and loss of control.

Work on ways you can validate those fears... .at a time when the wheels aren't about to fly off! When she is feeling receptive.

[Sluggo]

Try as I might I could see that it was brewing.  I tried to suggest some topics but she kept pushing back towards whatever was on her mind.

FF,

Sorry you went through all that... . 

The song that starts singing in my head when the brewing starts is the song from Pink Floyd the wall.  'I feel one of my turns coming on'.  In the movie if I remember right, is the time when he utterly destroys his hotel room then after he calms down starts lining up all the pieces in odd categories. 

[formflier]

. "What is stressing FF Wife out?"  

Her Mom says crazy things to her and then "gets" her dad on her mom's side.   Not sure if anyone remembers a post weeks back about her Mom saying anyone that joins the military is foolish.  Classic persecute and then hop into victim mode when my wife "fires" back.  Everyone paints wife out to be bad girl that is going after her Mom.

She doesn't fit in at work, nobody like her and they aren't going to promote her.

She is not sure what she is going to do when they promote her to a different classroom.  Principal has discussed this with her. (yes, the people that won't promote her are discussing promoting her, whatever)  There is a male teacher that they are trying to get to pass a test so they can promote him.  He keeps failing it.  My wife aced the test long time ago.  Yes, I have validated reverse discrimination.  Bunch of women teachers and administrators falling all over themselves to be "inclusive" to a male (a rarity in this area, I suspect nationwide).

There is not enough money.

She is spending to much

There is not enough time

It will never get done.

Her parents are sabotaging D2s sleep schedule (hmmm, kettle calling pot something)

I could go on.

The issue with validating or discussing those topics is that the validation is brushed aside and very quickly it is about what am I going to do about it.  

Note:  Also insert that I don't do anything, clean anything, do any laundry, all that drivel.

Sigh.  

FF

[Notwendy]

I agree with other posters that your wife may be feeling resentment and stress over "having to work".

Add to this- the constant comments and proximity to her FOO. There has to be some enmeshement ( it happens to all of us unless we work at it). What her parents think and say is important to her.

My mother does the " she/he is on my side " thing, but also her FOO has an opinion about what seems to be almost anything, and they think they are right. "This is the best doctor ( when my dad was ill)" This is the BEST college ( the one their grandchild is at )"  For my mother, what her FOO says is the best, is the best, and if they disapprove of something, well it was terrible. So when my mother heard my child ask about a college- one that was not on their approval list ( but a good one for my kid who was starting to think about them) Her response was " That's a horrible school- you don't want to go there!"

What your MIL says is only what she thinks. However, it could influence your wife.

[formflier]

I agree with other posters that your wife may be feeling resentment and stress over "having to work".

Very likely.

Not that it matters, but she has been "claiming" for years that she could come here, work full time, support us all.  In fact, at times it was a threat, that she had all this capability and it was only through the goodness of her heart, that she withheld making the move without my consent and showing the world how much work she could do and money she could make.

Sigh,

I suspect the reality of the work world is upon her. 

Big picture:  I will validate what I can and let her struggle with the world of work.  No rescuing from me. 

FF

[KateCat]

I think I have read that approximately 1/3 of people with borderline personality disorder "are able to work."

Such a frustratingly vague statement. But maybe an idea to ponder.

Since you and your wife have been married, has she ever had full-time employment? How about stable part-time employment? It must be frustrating to her to be intelligent and skilled but then not able to sustain the stress of employment outside the home. (If that's the case.)

I think you're wise not to rescue her from this particular experience of work that she has embarked upon. A learning experience.

[formflier]

When we were first married, and soon after pregnant (not quite a honeymoon baby, but 1 cycle after) she worked full time as a teacher in a pre-school.  Not a daycare.  She was lead teacher.

She seemed to enjoy it

The plan was for her to go back and take baby with and at least would be in same building.

Towards the end of maternity leave, I began to question if the "best" for our family (just three of us then) was for her to go back to work, or perhaps to stay and home and focus on baby and home life.  There was a fairly active group of women in the church that met and did activities so kids could play together and mom's could be connected and do things.

Well, apparently she had been thinking same thing.  We made some adjustments to the budget and began life.

She homeschooled up until our now S20 was in 5th grade.  During one of our moves, we decided best to put him in school.  I was pushing for it probably more than she was, but this allowed her to focus more on youngers and still homeschool them and then our K and above kids would go to school and have input and oversight by her (and me) on homework and activities.

She felt liberated after several months and now is pretty consistent saying that was best choice.

Then there was farm wife.  7-8 years worth.  She also ran a certified home based daycare out of home.  Was a very rigorous process of overseeing house and curriculum. 

So, KateCat I see the train of thought.  My guess is she is part of the 1/3 that can work.  Definitely high function.

She basically worked 1/2 to 2/3rds time as a substitute teacher for a year to year and a half before we left last state.

Many people that I know and trust have observed her in school, in classrooms and given her very high marks.

Especially when connecting with underprivileged or kids that have been shuffled aside. 

She has an incredible talent, (which I do not have) to work with a kid that is struggling with reading, math or other stuff in school and find a different way to connect with them and work with them until the "lightbulb" comes on.

Even with high school aged ne'er do wells, there are funny stories of high schoolers trying to run over her as a substitute, and her getting the class under control quickly, sending a few to the office and the rest of the class toeing the line.

So, where am I going.  My gut tells me she can work and actually finds the work fullfilling.  I think she is having a hard time letting go of control at home

Realizes she can't do both and isn't handling that well.

Big picture:  She needs to work and give space to those at home.

Anyway, hope this helps.

FF

[Fian]

I suspect a person with BPD would function well when they are in situations where they are in a business with 1 employee (themselves).  However, when they are a part of a team, I can see BPD rearing its ugly head.  Is it possible that this teaching environment is more team oriented than her previous teaching experiences?

[KateCat]

Ah, nice description, formflier.

Maybe if your wife can sort through her issues with the other team members, then she will feel more in control and be more in touch with her strengths.

It must be tough to step back and not attempt to intervene in the school situation. But it sure seems wise to me.

[formflier]

 

My understanding of the promotion that she claims she will never be given but they are talking to her about giving it to her, is that she will be a "lead teacher".  Right now, I believe she has a lead. 

from listening to her the lead teacher leaves her alone because she doesn't need supervision and the lead teacher has several others that need help (one of which is the dude with rocks for brains that can't pass the test).

So, I really don't think anyone has her leash, but she knows where she is in the pecking order.

She likes being head hen.

FF