BPD traits in us

[Depression = 72% of members]

Can you recognize some BPD traits in yourself?

Disclaimer: And by saying that, you are not claiming that you have BPD  

For example:

- I see that I also had some traits in the sense that I also considered her my soul mate, someone who completes me.

She was more extreme in this, but I also felt, much more than normal, when we were not together, strong desire to see her, that she is next to me (abandonment fear triggered?).

- I consider myself calm person in interpersonal communication, but not calm in "Buddhist zen" sense , I am unhealthy calm - ticking bomb - I have very (and I mean very) high tolerance level, but when you cross it, I may overreact. That was something that didn't help in our r/s. I would stand up different cr@p, and then snap.

- I am very emotional, I believe much more than people in my environment. They can also change, maybe more quickly than normal, I don't know.

- Even before I met her, I had several "blue phases", wouldn't call them depression, but I had great life when you observe it from outside, but something was missing... .(trait: Feelings of emptiness?)

- I have some behavior that could be counted as not-very-healthy, not self-harming category, but I could manage without it

- Unstable sense of self - poor self-esteem. Something that I could work on. Overly controlling sometimes, something that is a product of self-esteem.


EDIT: Wow, didn't even realize that there are so many of them. What is necessary number for BPD: 5/9, right?   

[blackbirdsong]

Can you recognize some BPD traits in yourself?

Disclaimer: And by saying that, you are not claiming that you have BPD  

For example:

- I see that I also had some traits in the sense that I also considered her my soul mate, someone who completes me.

She was more extreme in this, but I also felt, much more than normal, when we were not together, strong desire to see her, that she is next to me (abandonment fear triggered?).

- I consider myself calm person in interpersonal communication, but not calm in "Buddhist zen" sense , I am unhealthy calm - ticking bomb - I have very (and I mean very) high tolerance level, but when you cross it, I may overreact. That was something that didn't help in our r/s. I would stand up different cr@p, and then snap.

- I am very emotional, I believe much more than people in my environment. They can also change, maybe more quickly than normal, I don't know.

- Even before I met her, I had several "blue phases", wouldn't call them depression, but I had great life when you observe it from outside, but something was missing... .(trait: Feelings of emptiness?)

- I have some behavior that could be counted as not-very-healthy, not self-harming category, but I could manage without it

- Unstable sense of self - poor self-esteem. Something that I could work on. Overly controlling sometimes, something that is a product of self-esteem.


EDIT: Wow, didn't even realize that there are so many of them. What is necessary number for BPD: 5/9, right?   

[ct21218]

Yes, 5 or more of 9.

[Infern0]

All borderlines are also codependent

99% of us on this site are codependent

There is going to be some similarities, but where the difference ends is mainly the splitting and the other in built defence mechanisms that borderlines have which we don't.

[blackbirdsong]

All borderlines are also codependent

99% of us on this site are codependent

There is going to be some similarities, but where the difference ends is mainly the splitting and the other in built defence mechanisms that borderlines have which we don't.

I disagree with this one. 

Actually, BPD persons use primitive defense mechanisms, the mechanisms that we all have. But through our emotional development we developed more advanced defense mechanisms that we mostly use in our everyday life. So, it is not that we also don't have those primitive mechanisms, we just don't use them as often as BPD persons. 

[Pretty Woman]

I tend to push people away from me. 

I am fairly certain I was raised by a BPD. My mom never went to anything of importance in my life. She wasn't at any graduation or major achievement. She would pick an argument and then not go.

I have attracted a lot of people like this into my life. All ages... .all women.

I have started not accepting these people in my life.  One person is a 85yo woman who is like a grandmother to me.  She treated me very badly and eventually I stopped taking it and pretty much disappeared. This Christmas I received a card from her saying she hoped I was well and thought of me often.

She has an unusual name. She signed the card with her first and last name.

I am aware of the passive aggressiveness in the letter just by signing it formally. I have no desire to re-engage and be hurt again.

Today I am struggling. I've been crying at my desk. I'm feeling un loveable.  I don't think I really know what love is... .I've never been loved.

And the realization of that is a hard pill to swallow.

(don't worry, not swallowing pills)! I am rational. I am aware. I am just not sure how to proceed on my journey.

[Mr. Magnet]

Being around these sub-humans for extended periods of time tends to have an effect on behavior.

As my sister told me, she is a horrible person and when you were with her, you acted horribly.

[blackbirdsong]

Considering the fact that BPD is cluster disorder, meaning it contains different traits, often overlapping with other PDs, we can found different behaviors in our partners.

Also, I found many narcissistic traits in myself. While reading about BPD relationships, it is often stated that BPD persons often achieve 'fatal' love with people with narcissistic personality. So, this could be true in my case. Especially because she didn't leave me. I was the one who initiated breakup.

She also said that, in long history of her relationships, I was the one that she really loved and that breakup still hurts a lot. She would like to try again.

I also feel the same, I am still hurt, often thinking about recycling. But this statement about narcissism makes me wonder... .Maybe I am just as messed up as she is. Maybe even worse... .NPD is much worse to treat than BPD, and we all know how BPD is 'easy' to recover... .

It is hard for me to compare my feelings, because she was my first serious relationship. But really confused with this narcisstic traits. Last few days, I am really confused about everything. Should I try again, should I run, who is more messed up, chaos in my head... .

[Wantingtochange]

I have wondered the same thing after leaving the relationship... .Do I have BPD also? For a long time now I started to think I was crazy. BUT the good news is after being in one of these relationships it's not uncommon to feel this way. Our sense of grounding, what's normal and what isn't is distorted.

I've been spending a lot of time, like many, studying my situation to better understand what happened and what I need to do to heal. I feel very broken still.

I have recently discovered about co=dependency and it fits me to a T... .So many of the traits and characteristics explain a lot and answered many of my questions. Maybe spend time reading and studying co=dependency and see if it applies to you. You may be surprised like I was and find that it answers many questions.

These were very traumatic relationships... .

[Wantingtochange]

I tend to push people away from me. 

I am fairly certain I was raised by a BPD. My mom never went to anything of importance in my life. She wasn't at any graduation or major achievement. She would pick an argument and then not go.

I have attracted a lot of people like this into my life. All ages... .all women.

I have started not accepting these people in my life.  One person is a 85yo woman who is like a grandmother to me.  She treated me very badly and eventually I stopped taking it and pretty much disappeared. This Christmas I received a card from her saying she hoped I was well and thought of me often.

She has an unusual name. She signed the card with her first and last name.

I am aware of the passive aggressiveness in the letter just by signing it formally. I have no desire to re-engage and be hurt again.

Today I am struggling. I've been crying at my desk. I'm feeling un loveable.  I don't think I really know what love is... .I've never been loved.

And the realization of that is a hard pill to swallow.

(don't worry, not swallowing pills)! I am rational. I am aware. I am just not sure how to proceed on my journey.

I'm sorry your having such a hard time. Your not alone, I tend to push people away now. It started sometime during the last 6 years that I dated my BPDex. I cant tell you why or when though. I'm taking time to reflect on why I push away and I suspect through time and reflection I'll figure part of it out... .I hope... .

Passive aggressive and attracting BPD type's is more common then you may think. I just recently started to study co=dependency (That's me) and am finding us co=dependent's attract many of the people you describe.

Your not alone. There are a lot of people on here that are a great support and the site is filled with ton's of info.

Hang in there and take one day at a time. That's all I'm able to do...

Best wishes

[steelwork]

- History of unstable relationships: check.

- I've caught myself disassociating a few times. Notably after breakups with D. Flea?

- Abandonment fears (in my case fear of letting go of people).

- Maybe others.

BUT I'm like the opposite of a black and white thinker/feeler.

I had those BPD fears for sure, but T sez no way.

[steelwork]

Also I do pretty much no mirroring. I mean, way less than average. He was a spectacular mirrorer. Of course I was the one true person with whom he could finally be his true self. Of course.

[Confused?]

Many borderlines have other illnesses such as ptsd. A lot of people after a relationship develop ptsd. Also it's hard to know what was real an what wasn't in these relationships. We start second guessing right from wrong. It could leave us in a dazed state. Depression also comes from these. I have been depressed as long as I can remember but everybody has some form of depression. Bpd traits come out more strongly in relationships. I don't think any of those traits were present in me during my relationship. If anything it was intensely confusing nature of it all that might have people questioning themselves when it's all said and done.

[Wantingtochange]

Even though I've been immersing myself in this subject I just found a video on this website about the basics of BPD and the traits. It's definitely worth the watch and I think it may answer some of the questions on this post about whether we (The Non's) may be BPD also. Just a thought, hope it helps!

[GreenEyedMonster]

I have abandonment fears that are a serious issue in relationships.  Unlike pwBPD, I don't get abandonment fears for seemingly no reason.  But if I have a partner who is unstable himself, look out.

My first partner just refused to commit to me.  He sort of beat around the bush on a few particular issues, and would never let me near his family.  It turned out that he had his own unresolved issues, but it came off as him being ashamed of me.  I could act really neurotic around him sometimes because I just wanted him to be able to offer me some sort of resolution on the issue of his family.  He never did, and we eventually mutually separated over the issue.

My exBPD (or narcissist, as I now suspect) would do things to destabilize me as well, but I've learned that that's part of how narcs operate.  He acted so excited to have me in his life, but would disinvite me to things or just fail to let me know about things that were going on.  He didn't want me to come and see his musical performances, he didn't come to my performances, he would sign up to go to events with our mutual friends and not let me know about that (!) and the last straw was when he decided to go on a lengthy vacation without me, four months into the relationship, where he shared close sleeping/bathroom quarters with a bunch of other women whom he admitted he had hoped to date before he met me!  I was like, heeeeeck no. 

In my previous relationship that I described above, my partner would always make a big effort to come to my performances because he knew they were important to me, even if he didn't find them particularly exciting.  If he vacationed without me, it was with family or male friends from college.  I made a big effort to come to events for him, like cocktail parties and graduation ceremonies and all kinds of things to honor his achievements.  I can't imagine saying no to something like that when your partner has worked hard and is going to be recognized!

So I guess I thought my previous relationship was fairly normal in that regard, and I still do, but after my go-around with Mr. BPD/NPD, I am not so sure what normal is anymore, because he made my expectations sound so unreasonable. 

[Mr. Magnet]

It's hard not to have abandonment issues when your "wife" threatens divorce 3 times a week for 6 years

[Muradin]

This is a huge topic for me. I am burdened frequently by the things I did to cause problems with my exBPD/NPD. I read SWOE and I've been digesting the stories and advice on this site for about a month now. I won't say that I've got it all figured out, but as much as I've learned about BPD's, I've also learned quite a bit about "non-BPD's" or just non's for the purpose of this discussion. The hard truth is that there are character flaws that we (as non's) have that cause us to be a perfect target for our BP's. I don't want to limit the terrible things that have been done to us, but part of detachment is taking responsibility in the correct manner. So it is true that we will discover some flaws about ourselves. One of those flaws is trying to take more responsibility than we should.

I can attest that I got pretty inventive with ways to solve problems in my marriage by just taking more responsibility. I would claim that I was jealous of her. I would claim that I failed to love her in all the ways she wanted. I would say I was proud of her for calling me out on things that upset her that were ridiculous. Deep down I was really angry with her. I was upset that she could use her words to bring me so low I called that envy when in reality it was a kind of angry-fear. She would manipulate any self-actions that she didn't like (like not doing the dishes for example) as ways that I didn't love her. So eventually I believed that i was failing to love her. And I became guilty of not living up to her expectations so I would applaud her expectations and appeal to her empathy in praising her for having such high standards even though I had no hope of meeting them. I say this because it was my natural defense mechanism to deal with the hurtful things that she was doing by becoming codependent. Of course her actions were bad, even abusive at times. But my actions made it worse, not better.

Really, what I now believe I was doing is not much different than what she was doing, just in a different way. I know that her hurtful actions were really ways to leech off of my identity rather than creating her own. At the same time I was struggling to discover my own identity, so I held onto the one she gave me. It's easy to think that all the bad things I did were perhaps borderline or equally traumatizing to her, or even abusive to her. But that isn't the truth. Just because I struggle with my identity does not mean that I hurt her to try to find it. In other words, my happiness, both then and now, is not the problem. Doing healthy things that make me happy is not a bad thing, no matter how much she protests. I don't need to apply her identity to me in order to be happy, I just need to learn to be myself.

This is a hard thing to learn and my T has helped to keep me grounded. At first I thought BPD and SWOE was just some conspiracy and somehow the "non's" are the people with the real problems. That would be a convenient truth for an old me who's easy way out was just inventing responsibility where there was none for me to take. Truly the only winner here is the disease. BPD is real and it destroys lives, relationships, even families. Knowing the difference is hard. It helps me to know that I'm too self-aware (perhaps to a fault), I have the ability to empathize, and I have the ability to discover and invest in my own identity without needing someone to give it to me. My exBPD is prevented by her disease from having empathy and from being vulnerable and from developing her own identity, and that saddens me immensely. I want to take responsibility for it. That would be easy, but not real, and not helpful in any way.

Anyway. That's my take. I'd love to know what you think.