BPD Mom / Relationship Patterns

[Creativum]

Oh man. I've been in tears the past few days, and pretty freaked out, because I've finally begun to acknowledge that my mother has BPD and that I am going to have to start questioning how that has affected me and my choices in terms of romantic involvements.  So after my most recent break-up with a person with BPD, and the ensuing emotional chaos, my therapist decided it's time to go back to my least favorite topic:  My parents. 

Mom was raised by an alcoholic-turned-evangelical-minister NPD/BPD father (who was brought up by abusive addicts), who isolated his wife and daughters from ALL others -- even moved them to the middle of NOWHERE so they had no choice but to be there for him and only him.  My mom attaches emotions to literally every fart and hoards it.  She idolizes her father and mother, yet nothing they ever did was good for their children.  It was all Jesus, all the time -- spare the rod, spoil the child ... ."Jesus says X so you must do X or you will burn in hell" ... .Control tactics like crazy.

If she gives a gift and you're not over the moon about it, she flips.  If she offers "assistance" and you don't take it, she FLIPS.  Her temper is excessive.  She thinks she's a lesbian now.  Her wife is completely passive, but when she's been pushed too far, my mother basically locks her in and isolates her and says things like "YOU'RE NOT GOING ANYWHERE UNTIL YOU TALK TO ME!" (She did these things to me, too... .) ... .She once called her wife's therapist and left shrieking, threatening voicemails "WHAT DID YOU TELL MY WIFE? HOW COULD YOU?" I'd witnessed this behavior when she and my dad were together, but I figured that's just how adults are.  She would never let me go anywhere or do anything unless I called every hour on the hour to "check in," but once she met a woman, it's like I ceased to exist (I was replaced).  She really has no friends and she's quite happy to binge eat, watch the same TV shows and movies over and over and over, and cannot tolerate any sort of critical thinking or unpleasant sensations.  She needs 100% comfort 100% of the time or there is hell to pay.  It's a wonder she's been able to keep her job as long as she has because she can't handle ANY sort of criticism.  She beat us with belts, slapped us in the face, and created a life for us where we were expected to be her little "rocks" -- we weren't allowed to have a bad day, but she was.  I can't remember a time when I had a big problem as a child where she consoled me.  I never felt supported or happy.  If I ever said something she didn't like, she'd hit me, or, if we were in public, she'd do something to humiliate me and ditch me wherever we were -- like in restaurants, she'd throw my food all over me and leave.  She's a nurse and she's popped pills since I can remember.  She squanders her money and lives in denial about things being in disrepair, until a disaster occurs because of it, and then she blames everyone else.  When I was overseas in the hospital after having been brutally stabbed and almost killed, she didn't try to come to me -- she was too busy trying to salvage her relationship with some NPD witch.  That was always more important.  She's domineering, has no consideration for anyone but herself, cries at the drop of a hat.

It had been suggested by another therapist that I was raised by a BPD mother, but I brushed it off.  I was only 23 at the time.  I didn't know what BPD was, and I didn't really care to learn about it.  I shut it out.  Now that I'm in my 30's I realize that I keep attracting people who are emotionally unavailable.  It's like the fact that I like them, and that they like me, is the litmus test for whether they're normal -- if it feels good, it's bad.  Then when I meet someone who is perfect, I'm just not that interested in them.  I don't feel good with someone unless I'm anxious.  Does that make sense?

The thing is, I've been given full psychological/psychiatric evaluations a number of times, and each time they tell me that there's nothing "wrong" with me other than VERY well-managed OCD and generalized anxiety.  The fact that I was brought up the way I was, by the people who raised me, has made these findings very surprising.  I'm even-tempered, patient, not depressed (other than situationally), have my priorities straight, and really haven't a problem in the world ... .except when it comes to more-than-friends relationships.

Can anyone relate to any of this?  I mean, I know you can. But I guess I'm just curious about whether any of you have had a similar experience to mine when it comes to finding suitable mates. 

[ijustwantpeace]

Like it or not parents are the main sources for modeling healthy relationships.  If we did not come from a good families then we need to seek out other roles models.  Before finding this sight I thought all women were crazy and pretty much gave up on them all together.  This came from being raised by an uBPD mom.  Now that I know what this stuff is and have started attending a small group bible study that has lots of happily married couples I can see what a healthy relationship looks like.

I want you to ask yourself how many people do you know are happily married?  If your answer is none seek out good role models.  Also, try to spend as much time with emotionally healthy people as possible.

[Turkish]

It sounds like you had a childhood of being forced to validate your mother and soothe her because she was incapable of it. And like ijustwantpeace said, you also didn't have role models for healthy relationships.

I once saw a member say something like, "you can't fix your problem with one person with a completely different person." Unfortunately, we only know what we know, and we don't know what we don't know. So welcome to Coping and Healing   

You've taken a significant step towards healing in the present by processing the past.

Though I moved out from my mom's house 26 years ago and was in something like LC, I started thinning about my childhood after coming here due to a failed r/s. Then I was like, waitaminute... ." and I landed on this board after many months of telling my story on Leaving.

I looked back and realized that though not every woman I was attracted to over the years was disordered, the ones I became enmeshed with (even the platonic ones) were. I had lousy boundaries, and it felt famiiar to me to be the "rescuer" so to speak. That's often a one-wa street... .a need fulfillment trap.

I'd guess that you're at stage 2 or maybe 3 of the Survivor's guide to the right of the board. How do you feel?

Turkish