What should I do now to stay friends with a BPD person? (Sorry, long text)

[tuhk]

Hello everyone.

English is not my first language, and I also have a difficulty with putting thoughts into words, so let me apologize for any mistakes and wrong word choices I will make.

My best friend (oh sorry, I can't find the board for just friendship) has BPD. He is male and I am female, we're both in our twenties.

We know each other for two and half years, we had always been very, very close and if one of us needed help another would be right there for help.

I am disabled and an only child of overprotecting, abusive mom. Her overprotectivness and abusiveness had concequences: I am dependable, infantile, confidence-lacking but I also lack communication skills and independence and easily let people use and abuse me.

My friend also has difficult relationship with his parents, not because of his BPD, only some other unrelated reasons.

So, when I met my best friend I had few friends at all and absolutely no one I could spend a lot of time with.

In two years of our friendship we spent many hours together, having walks and sometimes exploring new places, having interesting great talks, hugging and comforting each other anytime any of us need, sleeping together in the same bed so safe and tight, eating delicious food, etc.

I can say these two years were the happiest ones for sure.

They, of course, weren't cloudless, there were some bad moments too - for example, when he wanted to commit suicide (I believe, three times, thankfully other people and me had talked him out of it), when he broke up with his girlfriend of 1,5 years, when he liked my friend and wanted to know her and she called him stupid for asking a question (he's not stupid, I promise and that expierence was horrorful because he was mad at us both - yes, yes, me too! - and he told me "I don't want to know you anymore, if your friend are like this, then you're like them, too), and also I had offended him some times but we would talk and clear everything and he would forgive me within some days.

So, the situation began in November.

In August he found a new girlfriend, she soon became very close to him, closer than me but that's OK. I met her, she's a nice girl and helps him well with his condition.

In November he began saying "your asociality strains me", "find a friend already", "you're hanging on my nerves and it tires me", "stop thinking everyone is going to rape you and find a man". He may say this before but only occasionnally (such phrases hurt me) and suddenly stuff like that was said often.

"Okay," - I said. - "Let's talk, let's clear the situation, I can't get what happening at all, I just say "hi how are you" and you tell me "stop thinking everyone is going to rape you and find a man" instead of saying hi. I have a right to think so, because I was raped twice and you know the fact since you know me. I don't ask you for sex, all I need is a walk and some tight hugs. I do not need children. I do not need a family. I am not interested in sex with men I accidentally met in the web or somewhere. That's difficult to explain, but when I am asking you for hugs this means I need you and not someone else".

"I have no time for you, you see this yourself" - he replied. - "I have no time for everyone. I don't want to go for walks with you, because you're difficult and now I have no strength even for myself. I'm trying to put my mind in order. I don't want to spend time with you because you don't care about anything and anyone except me, including yourself, and you even say you don't need anyone but me. This drives me mad, you're going in circles and it's hard to deal with you. You "drink" (well, like a vampire and he's not the first to tell me this) my strength/energy. If your "drinking" is divided between twenty persons at least it would be okay, but you have only me and that's exhausting, you need to find twenty more friends. When you're not with me, you're sitting at home with your muscles thawing because you don't give your body excercise at all, you hadn't gone outside for two weeks, I don't want to deal with a human who does not want to do anything on his own. (that part was in capslock because he was angry). With this attitude to yourself you just waste my nerves."

After that conversation things were relatively fine, we had some talks via the web, I kept asking him for a walk, he said "maybe" and a week ago he said "surely, we'll meet next week". The "next week" came and already ended in Jan., 24. That was Sunday and on Saturday I asked him for a walk - because he made a promise, well? - and he answered that he is busy playing the game he wanted to teach me.

"What about me?" - I asked nicely. "I have not seen you for almost three months, I have been missing you so much and also I've been missing and needing your hugs"

"Hug someone else"

"I want to hug you, not someone else. I have been missing you, not someone else. You do know the difference?" - I was trying to remain really calm and nice. - "Why can't we meet for three months?"

"Calm down. I am going to be busy with the game for seven more hours"

Okay, I waited for 8 hours and messaged him again:

"Why cannot we meet?"

"I don't know, it is cold and easy to fall ill" - he said.

"But you play the game outside. Maybe I have offended you somehow?" - I retorted.

"That's you who will freeze"

"No, I have a great fur coat, I won't. Let's meet, please. I will give you plenty of hugs. Please tell me if I had offended you somehow" - I retorted again.

"You hadn't" and then we talked another theme.

On the following day I went outside - it wasn't even cold! - called him and asked him for a walk in the nicest way I only could. And what happened next was strange.

He said things - very slightly related to the theme - and I had to parry them.

"Stop crying," - I wasn't indeed! - "Find yourself someone", "I don't know, someone like me", "Oh, it's my fault that you have high expectations?", "I have a very hard time all in the family", "No matter what", "I do not have time for you", "I have no time for people in general", "I work ", "I have no time even for the dearest recently, "and hung up.

I went back home and calmly reminded him via message that all my "high expectations" are caused by my disability: I cannot and do not want to have children, I am ugly, I cannot do simple tasks about housekeeping - cooking, vacuum-cleaning, sweeping, etc., I am limited in sex and very slightly interested in it, who on the Earth would want me as a girlfriend? (Well, it's the country where the disabled are not treated as equal). Besides, I asked what has happened in his family. He did not wanted to speak of it.

Yesterday I felt I needed to clear what's happening, and I asked him why he has no time for people in general.

"because I have no time and strength for myself, my life has changed and I am bored with your loneliness and crying!" and in the end he wrote that he does not care.

Everything so unusual. He did not write "bored", it was foul language instead. Loneliness? I did not complain of loneliness. Never. I am always happy to be alone. That's him, who likes meeting new people and getting to know them and that's me who does not wish to talk even to old friends. Crying? I do not cry and never did while being near him or talking to him via phone. So what?

Everyone, I need your help. What should I do in this situation? I want to be still a friend for him.

Now I know the situation has a big slice of my own fault and I understand no one should make a certain person or certain thing(s) everything in their life (but I have to admit I just mindlessly repeat this behaviour after my mother who made me everything in her life - she has no work - "oh, how should I work when my child has special needs! dear relatives, we need your money, we need your help, we need your everything!" - she said; by the way, I hate being called "special needs", I am not them, just disabled - no friends and no hobbies, and she keeps saying "talk to me, I have no one to talk to" with occasional tickling and pinching me, and I tell her to stop touching me immediately and that I do not want to talk. We have no common themes, she does not even read any books). , which I did and even used to tell my friend I will gladly sacrifice anything, anyone, and even my own life for him, to what he replied always "no, you should not do this". I know my refusal to make new friends and even talk to old ones may be saddening for him as he knows I sit home alone while my health is deteriorating from lack of move and other nice and useful stuff and wait for him to have a walk with me, while he wants me to have my own independent life, but nonetheless happy, full of adventures and fun, with hobbies, friends and boyfriend(s), but I really doubt if I am able to lead such life without getting troubles on my head.

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[an0ught]

Hi tuhk,

loosing a close friend - BFF (best friend forever) - is tough! Friendship with a pwBPD can be something special - intense, close and without boundaries.

From what you wrote it may well be that your friend once involved in a romantic relationship struggled to make it all work in his head. Possibly even struggling with jealousy in the relationship because of you. Tuning the friendship with you a level down to an sustainable level while being infinitely deep involved with his romantic partner exceeded what he could do. The black and white world of a pwBPD can be hard to those living in and around it  .

Now I know the situation has a big slice of my own fault and I understand no one should make a certain person or certain thing(s) everything in their life (but I have to admit I just mindlessly repeat this behaviour after my mother who made me everything in her life - she has no work - "oh, how should I work when my child has special needs! dear relatives, we need your money, we need your help, we need your everything!" - she said; by the way, I hate being called "special needs", I am not them, just disabled - no friends and no hobbies, and she keeps saying "talk to me, I have no one to talk to" with occasional tickling and pinching me, and I tell her to stop touching me immediately and that I do not want to talk. We have no common themes, she does not even read any books). , which I did and even used to tell my friend I will gladly sacrifice anything, anyone, and even my own life for him, to what he replied always "no, you should not do this". I know my refusal to make new friends and even talk to old ones may be saddening for him as he knows I sit home alone while my health is deteriorating from lack of move and other nice and useful stuff and wait for him to have a walk with me, while he wants me to have my own independent life, but nonetheless happy, full of adventures and fun, with hobbies, friends and boyfriend(s), but I really doubt if I am able to lead such life without getting troubles on my head.

It is not your fault that you were left! It was not your fault that you trusted! It is natural to feel hurt, to be depressed and grieve. There are limited shortcuts through this detachment process but please take a look at the LESSONS on the Leaving board (I won't transfer your post at this point in time but check out the LESSONS (different from Improving board) there and consider posting). It certainly is painful to be abandoned like that and your personal health situation is not making it easier at all  

There is a real need for you to detach from him to a degree. The closeness of the relationship will be very hard to restore. But you may benefit from the Improving board LESSONS too! Check out the workshops on validating communication and avoiding invalidation. Practice validation on him - if and when you communicate with him - but also practice validation in general. You wrote that you are feeling lonely and validation is the #1 connecting skills. It may help you to revive the communication like but it certainly will help you establishing new relationships with others around you!

,

a0

[tuhk]

Hello an0ught and everyone else.

Thank you for your answer.

I still believe that's not only a romantic relationship, something clearly happened (my friend also said while I called him that he has something bad in his family) and I cannot figure out what it is. He also had a girlfriend for 1,5 years before this one and we were still very close.

Yes, it is not my fault I was left and it's clearly not my fault that I trusted.

My fault is that I used my mother's behavioral patterns - I made one human being the center of my life like she had made me, and I, like her, have nearly no one and nothing except him. (By the way I do not like that part of my mother's behavior). My fault is that I did not listen to my BFF when he told me I need more friends, instead I stupidly thought that he wanted to send me away for some reason and I always replied "I need only you and no one else" and kept relying solely on him. But I am weak, require care and he is weak and needs care too, so after roughly 2 years of telling me to find more friends he... .hmmm... .snapped (?) - sorry, not good at words, and now he definitely needs to have a break from me and concentrate on himself.

I suppose things are not that bad since he does not block or delete me (he did that a couple of times when he was really angry with me) and we talk about different stuff and even have some laugh. He sometimes ignores me when I say I want to hug him or stuff like that or says that he has no time.

I believe I understand now why his behaviour was far from usual when I called him on Jan. 24 - he got defensive when he heard me asking to meet again, as he surely did not want to. He isn't like this when we talk about things and also says I haven't offended him, so I really hope everything will get better if I don't keep hanging on his nerves and get my own life. I am definitely not going to leave.

Thank you for the LESSONS. There is literally a flood of new information on me, all not so simple to remember, but oh so needed. I wish I knew and used it earlier. So sad I didn't.