Going to party where ex might be (possibly with her new guy) -how to prepare?

[NYCIntrospect]

In a month there will be an annual party/event that I will attend and, I heard from a friend that my ex has RSVP’d to go.

I took her to this event a year ago; otherwise she had no notable interest in the party itself.  It was kind of a momentous occasion in our relationship when we went because it was the first time I introduced her to a bunch of my friends, so it was kind of significant to me.  

We broke up 6 months ago and haven’t seen each other since.

I find it curious that she wants to go to this, but whatever, I’m going to go because all of my friends will be there and it’s a great time, and I am not going to avoid it on the chance she will be there.

Here’s the rub: I have anxiety.  I’ve been dating here and there, but nothing serious, and there’s a good chance I won’t have a date to the event (which tends to be date-heavy but still very fun).  If she goes, I’m certain she’ll have whatever guy she’s dating there with her.  It’s not something I will take a random date to, and I’m happy enough to wait for the right person before I get into a relationship again.  

It makes me feel kind of lame, like I am “losing” by being there single and she’ll be with her new dude (maybe kissy-face, maybe not).  And I’m kind of pissed that she’s going.  So it’s a double whammy of risking seeing her for the first time in a long time, and also seeing her with someone new to boot.

How do I handle these anxiety thoughts?  Where do they stem from?  Are they rational, or based on an insecurity (guessing the “losing” is an insecurity)?  How do I act toward them if we do cross paths?  

[StillRecovering]

I hope that I'm not being too presumptuous saying this, but it seems like a bad situation for you to put yourself in.  You said yourself that it curious she wants it go.  It seems like she is doing this because you took her there last year, maybe as some sort of revenge? 

But, on the other hand, if it is important to you then you should go.  But your attendance should be about YOU, because YOU want to be there.  It doesn't matter if you have a date on your arm or not.  You are going because it is your party.

You need to weigh the positives and negatives of both decisions. 

For your anxiety, it seems completely normal.  This is a stressful situation which could be triggering for you.  Therefore, they are rational thoughts.  I found myself in a similar situation around the holidays and chose not to go because I am firmly committed to no contact.  Did I feel like I was missing out? Yes.  But I did something else with a group of people not connected to my BPDexgf (as those going to this party were) and I felt better off for it.  I don't think seeing her with her new boyfriend would bother me but I just didn't want to deal with the stress and anxiety of the situation. 

In the end its up to you.  Good luck. 

[mrwigand]

Hey, NYC... .I just wanted to respond and let you know that I think what you're feeling is totally understandable and probably to be expected. I experienced the very same anxiety when I found out I would be attending a party with my ex. We had a lot of mutual friends, so it was to be expected, but all the same I had a very sharp emotional reaction to it. Sure enough, she showed up with her new boyfriend, which was totally cool and we were even on good terms, but I had a hard time being in that environment so I politely and surreptitiously got out of it as soon as I could.

Where do these thoughts come from? I'm not totally sure, but I think these relationships, moreso than others, leave you with a real toxic recoil. The anxiety over running into them feels heightened, the pain of them starting to date someone else feels heightened, etc. And I can certainly relate to this feeling of "losing"... .this feeling like your ex will be in a position of power because they show up with their new significant other and you're not seeing someone. It makes sense, but it isn't based in reality. No matter what you see, there is real pain underlying people with BPD, and I say that with the utmost sympathy.

You just have to remember that your worth is not validated by the act of being in a relationship. You are just as a phenomenal a human being single as dating.

As for more practical advice... .when I encountered this situation I usually decided to remove myself from the situation in a subtle, unobtrusive way, which is to say I wouldn't go if I knew my ex would be somewhere and it would be make me anxious.

If you decide it's more important for you to go, then I would say be supremely kind and cordial, but try to have fun doing your own thing separate from whatever your ex is doing.

If you did cross paths with her at the party, how do you envision it would go? What terms you on since the breakup?

[Learning_curve74]

I feel like if it's a party you'd normally go to and enjoy, then it's better to go and enjoy it. I don't know about you but my BPD exgf used to always try to influence my decisions to go along with what she believed was best or in her best interests. Now that we're not together, I sure am not going to let her to continue influencing me in ways that keep me from doing and experiencing the things I enjoy.

As for your anxiety, that is perfectly normal. Maybe you'll be angry to see her and a new beau or perhaps if you see them it will make you feel as if you were inadequate or a failure. Or maybe it's other emotions, if you think about it you could figure them out. Then once you know, you can also figure out how to reframe your thoughts. For example if you feel like a failure, you can tell yourself a relationship takes two people to make it work, and sometimes it just doesn't work out.

Whatever you decide, best wishes.

[once removed]

How do I handle these anxiety thoughts?  Where do they stem from?  Are they rational, or based on an insecurity (guessing the “losing” is an insecurity)?  How do I act toward them if we do cross paths?  

the "losing" does sound like insecurity, although its entirely understandable.

I’ve been dating here and there, but nothing serious, and there’s a good chance I won’t have a date to the event (which tends to be date-heavy but still very fun).  If she goes, I’m certain she’ll have whatever guy she’s dating there with her.  It’s not something I will take a random date to, and I’m happy enough to wait for the right person before I get into a relationship again. 

reinforce these thoughts. its a good attitude. it sounds like you wouldnt feel insecure about "losing", and not having a date, if she wasnt there; you ordinarily wouldnt bring one anyway. so why should that attitude change if she does? keep in mind she doesnt know whether youre dating or not. and you cant control her thoughts whether you bring a date or not. to some extent its probably a preoccupation with what shes going to think. cant be helped and no need to bother. let go of what shes thinking (easier said than done), and youll let go of a lot of anxiety 

[NYCIntrospect]

Thank you everyone for your responses.  It's reassuring that what I'm feelings is normal, and one of my goals is to stop judging feelings, but instead find the source and hopefully it helps me understand what's happening within.  I am leaning toward going, because I think I'll have a good time, and I can't let her dictate my social life, especially for an event I'm really looking forward to.  

Mrwigand, your response pointed out something I had been thinking as well-everything is heightened after these kinds of breakups - more pronounced and longer-lasting.  Good to know I'm not unique in that sense (and thank you for the kind words!).  I have not had contact with her in some time (I lose count), and I didn't respond to her most recent texts, which were probably 40-45 days ago now.  She's blocked on my phone, etc.  If I do see her, I'm hoping it'll be at most an acknowledgement etc. then move on my merry way.

Where do these thoughts come from? I'm not totally sure, but I think these relationships, moreso than others, leave you with a real toxic recoil. The anxiety over running into them feels heightened, the pain of them starting to date someone else feels heightened, etc. And I can certainly relate to this feeling of "losing"... .this feeling like your ex will be in a position of power because they show up with their new significant other and you're not seeing someone. It makes sense, but it isn't based in reality. No matter what you see, there is real pain underlying people with BPD, and I say that with the utmost sympathy.

You just have to remember that your worth is not validated by the act of being in a relationship. You are just as a phenomenal a human being single as dating.

As for more practical advice... .when I encountered this situation I usually decided to remove myself from the situation in a subtle, unobtrusive way, which is to say I wouldn't go if I knew my ex would be somewhere and it would be make me anxious.

If you decide it's more important for you to go, then I would say be supremely kind and cordial, but try to have fun doing your own thing separate from whatever your ex is doing.

If you did cross paths with her at the party, how do you envision it would go? What terms you on since the breakup?

[GreenEyedMonster]

I'm in the same boat -- seeing my ex at a gathering on February 6.  I am nervous about all the things that could happen.

I have seen my ex twice since the breakup; the first time went well, the second time ended up with him threatening me with a restraining order for LOOKING at him, even though I didn't speak to him at all.  Clearly there is a wide range of possibilities here.

I have stayed home from gatherings to avoid him, but I think he might be realizing that this gives him power over me -- to make me stay home -- and I refuse to let him control my life.  I got some good legal advice and I'm going to make my presence known again on the 6th.

If he's with another woman . . . may heaven help her.  There is no jealousy here.  She's in for the same horrible ending I was.  Any smile on her face would just show how utterly clueless she is.

I've dated around a bit and I'm still single, but it's sure as heck better than dealing with his drama!

Total empathy and support here!