It can't be fake.

[homefree]

I realize that I can't understand the behavior of a personality disorder from a pov of someone with an integrated sense of self, but I think I'm finding it utterly impossible to believe that someone can be so 'normal' for so long and have it be fake.

I guess I view fake behavior as being something that I could tell is a little off.

I couldn't tell. Yes, there were times where something wasn't right, but the times (so many stretches of time) where her behavior seemed to be without anything strange about it doesn't seem possible when stacked next to the unstable person that would show later.

It doesn't make any sense! How can that person be there but then disappear? She was real. That was real. Everything I know about reality tells me that there is nothing wrong with the person I knew. She wasn't a chameleon. She wasn't reflecting. I wasn't putting any demands on her to be anything but who she was. I knew her for 17 years and I loved that girl. That never changed.

But she was. She is. She did those things. She walked away without a look back. It happened. What happened to that 'her' that I loved? People don't just disappear.

That girl is gone, and is never coming back. Never was there at all, it seems. I'll remember that and accept that fact tomorrow. But not tonight. Tonight I don't believe it. Tonight I just miss her. That real person that I really loved.

[Rmbrworst]

17 years is a long time.  My heart truly goes out to you.

It wasn't fake . . . but it wasn't sustainable.  It was on your exBPD's terms (as is always the case w/ these types of personalities), and because they cannot process relationships with other people as a HEALTHY functioning adult . . . this is the fallout.

The problem is it's real . . . it's all too real.

Something was shared, it was powerful . ... but in an instant you can be painted black.

Think about it for a moment.  One day you're making future plans, hell even a wedding . . . a huge 3 month trip to Europe . . . an evening of dinner, movie, partying with friends, then going home and having amazing sex.   Holding each other, hand in hand, looking forward to tomorrow.  Another day of life long commitment.

Then you say the wrong thing (most likely on accident), and you're hated . . . and the past that you two shared meant nothing.

You're painted black.

Then discarded.

As if . . . you were nothing.  As if . . . you meant nothing.

It's not fake . . . the pain is too real.

However, their reality is a FACADE unto themselves . . . and that's why it's so painful . . . and that's the when the word FAKE applies.

Much love.

[homefree]

A facade unto themselves. Interesting. That would make more sense that I couldn't detect the unrealness of it if she was actually lying to herself during those times. I think it would only start being detected by me when she started lying to me about the reality.

Thanks, Rmbrworst, whether that is true or not, it helps make sense of it to myself, and that's what will quiet my mind down.

To be clear, we were only together for a year (2015), but I knew her 16 years before that, and I think I loved her that entire time.

Peace to you.

[Rmbrworst]

It is a facade.

To act like 17 years never happened?  That's running away . . . that's make believe.  It's a distorted reality that has been created so that she doesn't have to handle facing the truth.

It happened to me too.  We only dated for 6 months, but we were best friends for 1 year before that. 

Not only did he discard my romantic loving relationship, but also my friendship.  That's NOT reality.  WE live in reality . . THEY DONT!

Mature, capable, healthy adults dont discard and distort.  They work things out with regard to each other's feelings.  They face the facts, they're honest with themselves, and they take responsibility for the history they had with you.

You feel like you've lost something . . .

The only thing you lost was more heartache.

In time you will feel better.

It's been 5 weeks for me, but it's all starting to become more clear.  The process is uncomfortable and it's painful as hell . . . but you have to go through it.  You have no other choice.  We cannot be a victim for the rest of our lives.  It's time to take responsibility for ourselves and make sure this never happens again. 

If we work towards becoming healthier in our own minds, I truly believe we will attract people who are more equipped to deal with a healthy relationship, if we so choose to move forward with one in the future.

Much love.

[Anez]

RMBrworst is dead on the money with everything he said. Glad to see you're making progress man!

Keep it up!

[Rmbrworst]

RMBrworst is dead on the money with everything he said. Glad to see you're making progress man!

Keep it up!

With your help! 

I feel like I would still be stuck if it wasn't for your NC threads. 

Much love.   

[steelwork]

It's been 5 weeks for me, but it's all starting to become more clear.  The process is uncomfortable and it's painful as hell . . . but you have to go through it.  You have no other choice.  We cannot be a victim for the rest of our lives. 

I feel like I should be so much farther along. It's been over a year since the facade collapsed (by which I mean the pretense lasting x number of months, unknowable how many, that he still cared for me). After a month of blocking/shut-out he resurfaced to tell me worked hard to get over me and he felt like he was "a different person." How can you become a different person by sheer force of will? I know how: if you don't have a stable identity. But I still can't stop feeling like that person I knew was the real one. I still ache for the person I loved, even though he told me outright that person doesn't exist anymore.

[Rmbrworst]

It's been 5 weeks for me, but it's all starting to become more clear.  The process is uncomfortable and it's painful as hell . . . but you have to go through it.  You have no other choice.  We cannot be a victim for the rest of our lives. 

I feel like I should be so much farther along. It's been over a year since the facade collapsed (by which I mean the pretense lasting x number of months, unknowable how many, that he still cared for me). After a month of blocking/shut-out he resurfaced to tell me worked hard to get over me and he felt like he was "a different person." How can you become a different person by sheer force of will? I know how: if you don't have a stable identity. But I still can't stop feeling like that person I knew was the real one. I still ache for the person I loved, even though he told me outright that person doesn't exist anymore.

I know how you feel, having that huge attachment, but there comes a point when focusing on what isn't there no longer has any positive effects. 

The only real conclusion, is no matter what happened or how it happens ... .it's over. 

Who wants to be with someone who has no identity? 

People always say "I want the person I knew my exBPD could be."  Or "The person I thought I knew acted so different later."

Well go find that person!  It isn't your exBPD.  They have shown you who they are, and no matter who broke up with who, it happened for a reason, no matter how painful that reason is.  They could shower you with love and affection one day, then treat you like you don't exist the next.

If they say one day they love you and the next day they don't ... .maybe they don't.  We have to live with it and move on from it.

I don't want someone who has no control over their emotions or identity.

I want the person I thought my exBPD was ... .but that person was just a version of himself.  Maybe I'll find someone who's just as thoughtful , sweet and caring ... .But 100% of the time, instead of when he felt like it, or when it was convenient for him.

I'm a little sleepy and rambling so I'm sorry if this sounds a little bit like a rant!

Much love 

[steelwork]

Who wants to be with someone who has no identity? 

People always say "I want the person I knew my exBPD could be."  Or "The person I thought I knew acted so different later."

Well go find that person!  It isn't your exBPD.  They have shown you who they are, and no matter who broke up with who, it happened for a reason, no matter how painful that reason is.  They could shower you with love and affection one day, then treat you like you don't exist the next.

If they say one day they love you and the next day they don't ... .maybe they don't.  We have to live with it and move on from it.

I don't want someone who has no control over their emotions or identity.

I want the person I thought my exBPD was ... .but that person was just a version of himself.  Maybe I'll find someone who's just as thoughtful , sweet and caring ... .But 100% of the time, instead of when he felt like it, or when it was convenient for him.

I'm a little sleepy and rambling so I'm sorry if this sounds a little bit like a rant!

Much love 

Not rambly.

It's like he died, that person I loved, and then the corpse was reanimated so it could lash out at me.

[Anez]

RMBrworst is dead on the money with everything he said. Glad to see you're making progress man!

Keep it up!

With your help! 

I feel like I would still be stuck if it wasn't for your NC threads. 

Much love.   

Glad those threads are helping you and they're helping you because of all you and everybody is sharing. It's really great stuff. Strangers caring for strangers. There's hope.

[JQ]

It's been 5 weeks for me, but it's all starting to become more clear.  The process is uncomfortable and it's painful as hell . . . but you have to go through it.  You have no other choice.  We cannot be a victim for the rest of our lives. 

I feel like I should be so much farther along. It's been over a year since the facade collapsed (by which I mean the pretense lasting x number of months, unknowable how many, that he still cared for me). After a month of blocking/shut-out he resurfaced to tell me worked hard to get over me and he felt like he was "a different person." How can you become a different person by sheer force of will? I know how: if you don't have a stable identity. But I still can't stop feeling like that person I knew was the real one. I still ache for the person I loved, even though he told me outright that person doesn't exist anymore.

Hi Group,

My 2 cents ... .Biology-101 ... .no 2 people are alike regardless if they have BPD or if they're a NON or something else. WE are our OWN people ... .we each have our challenges & timelines. None of us can tell you when to stop the morning of your loss of the relationship, the truth of the matter is only you can make the choice to move forward in a more positive direction or not.

It's taken 5 weeks for Rmbrworst to realize that it's time to move forward to live a more positive life. It's been over a year & Steelwork is still in mourning over the lost of their BPD relationship. Sometimes it takes time and sometimes it takes a good kick in the pants to jump start us. Both are different situations with many different sides to the story. The one thing I think we all can agree on is the any relationship with a BPD regardless of how long it is will be the most exciting, painful, crazy train roller coater we've have ever been on. And when we've had enough ... .we can look in the mirror and tell ourselves it's ok to move on.

YOU have to be responsible for yourself and not your BPD. YOU are responsible for your actions NOT theirs. You are responsible for your happiness and NOT theirs.  YOU are NOT responsible for their flying monkey's. It's OK to be selfish ... .who's going to do it for YOU? Ask yourself this question, who has thought about YOUR happiness, feelings, emotions? Certainly NOT your exBPD!

After a period of time in my own BPD relationship something inside of me just switched & told me it was time to jump off the train. I like ALL of you had been trying to find out what went wrong, what did I say or didn't say, do or didn't do. I went to my own therapist, and was invited to her therapist for a couple of sessions. I researched this site among others, watched constant video's, read books. My friend who is a clinical psychologist and conducts group sessions for BPD (not knowing I was in the final stages of my own BPD relationship, I didn't tell her). She told me, " I don't feel sorry for my patients but I have sympathy for them. They are truly broken human beings with no hope of ever healing".

I went home the night and told her I have to take care of myself, I have to let you go. I'm not mad at you, I'm not angry at you. Those would be a byproduct of the mental illness you have and I'm not that shallow. But I have to heal my mind, soul & body. I wish you the peace you certainly deserve from the demons you battle on a daily basis. I wish you a lifetime of happiness because you've never known it. Good bye".   Now I didn't actually tell her that because it would break NC and the nothing good comes from that. I actually sat in my living room, and said it out loud to hear it for myself. It was me allowing me to move on, it was me allowing myself to let go. It was a way for me to close this chapter in my life and move forward ... .the next day I started the next phase in my life and haven't looked back.

Don't get me wrong ... .it was & continues to be at times very hard ... .but I know that had I stayed there was no way I would be able to have the relationship I want. I have posted on a yellow posted note in my bathroom the 3 C's of BPD, I didn't Cause it! I can't Control it! I can't Cure it!  It was a constant reminder to me that she was a very broken human being and I was never going to help her ... .BPD is beyond any of our control ... .the sooner we accept that ... .the sooner we can move forward to heal.

I've blocked her number, I've locked down my FB account & I don't snipe her either. Nothing good would ever come from that. I'm eating right, exercising, sleeping better, and I'm starting to get back to my normal self ... .or so I'm told.

BPD is a very serious mental illness that hasn't & never will make logical sense to us. We can each learn from this chapter in our life and learn to live a better life ... .life is short ... .one day for no reason you can leave this place ... .you can choose to live it to the fullest or sit in a dark room blinds closed and let life pass you by ... .the choice is YOURS ... .

JQ

[Rmbrworst]

^^

#micdrop

[molitor]

As a few others have said on here already, it was real for them (and certainly us nons), until it wasnt. That is the disorder in and of itself. Bpd's are able to paint black, flip the switch, compartmentalize, and write someone off who yesterday meant everything to them as a defense mechanism. The truth is, it is because we meant everything to them, that they could not handle the fear of losing us... so they leave first. It is impossible for a healthy mind to make sense of.

    I had a moment of insight just this morning actually (9 moths since my discard). Im sure you have all read that they have the emotional capacity of a 3 year old... .well try and imagine hurting a 3 year old (often perceived by the BPD and unintentional by us). Will that 3 year old be able to have an adult conversation with us and fix things? No, they will feel hurt, seclude themselves, and seek out the other parent or source of affection (our replacements).

    The love was very real, but it was a needy love for them... .   just my two cents

[Rmbrworst]

Exactly.

We are trying to make sense of the relationship mentality of a toddler.

"Mommy I love you so much, you're the best mommy."   Until mom says you have to go to bed early.  "I hate you!  You're the worst mom ever!"

To me, that's what painting black is.

A defensive emotional response that hasn't matured past the age of a small child.

Unfortunate, but that's their disorder.  They love hard and they hate hard too.

[Itstopsnow]

I think it's so hard because they do present to be stable and "normal" yes occasionally outburst and little by little the mask falls off. I dated him 18 months! I should of left after 4 or 5 months. But there were many times throughout our r/s he seemed good, fine and capable of a real life. Boy was I wrong! I'm heartbroken still. We have to try and remember this illness distorts the way they think, view things and how they react. It affects so much to who and what they are. They change jobs, goals, careers, interests. It's not about us! We have to try and separate that. We are looking at it from our prespective . Or a prespective of that of a normal healthy adult. They are neither! They aren't healthy, or "normal" and they have such stunted emotional growth they truly aren't adults. Mine was so dependent on his mom and family and me. He never could stand on his own two feet. He had many childlike qualities if I'm being honest. The movies he liked, foods he gravitated towards, always wanting to go on vacations, or Disneyworld or Disneyland. He wasnt fully responsible as an adult should be.  . It's not that the feelings weren't real. It just that they because of their illness  they can compartmentalize things, they also have thought suppression. So they block things out when they need to. And they  usually carry on multiple relationships whether that be emotional or physical . So they don't fully bond with us the way we do with them. They also don't love themselves so they can't love us. It's a very self centered disorder and so many implusive acts also come into play. It is one of the saddest mental illnesses I think that is out there. And it is very fascinating at the same time to see how it completely takes over their life and indenity. You don't realize how grateful we should be for our own mental health. I can't imagine living a life like this. They aren't happy and pile up their losses and hurts deep inside. Who knows if they ever truly deal with it. Maybe somewhere down the line they do. But we will never know . They lie so much and you can never truly know if they do come back what their true motives are. It's best to try and stay far away. I still struggle daily

[Penelope35]

It's been 5 weeks for me, but it's all starting to become more clear.  The process is uncomfortable and it's painful as hell . . . but you have to go through it.  You have no other choice.  We cannot be a victim for the rest of our lives. 

I feel like I should be so much farther along. It's been over a year since the facade collapsed (by which I mean the pretense lasting x number of months, unknowable how many, that he still cared for me). After a month of blocking/shut-out he resurfaced to tell me worked hard to get over me and he felt like he was "a different person." How can you become a different person by sheer force of will? I know how: if you don't have a stable identity. But I still can't stop feeling like that person I knew was the real one. I still ache for the person I loved, even though he told me outright that person doesn't exist anymore.

Hi Group,

My 2 cents ... .Biology-101 ... .no 2 people are alike regardless if they have BPD or if they're a NON or something else. WE are our OWN people ... .we each have our challenges & timelines. None of us can tell you when to stop the morning of your loss of the relationship, the truth of the matter is only you can make the choice to move forward in a more positive direction or not.

It's taken 5 weeks for Rmbrworst to realize that it's time to move forward to live a more positive life. It's been over a year & Steelwork is still in mourning over the lost of their BPD relationship. Sometimes it takes time and sometimes it takes a good kick in the pants to jump start us. Both are different situations with many different sides to the story. The one thing I think we all can agree on is the any relationship with a BPD regardless of how long it is will be the most exciting, painful, crazy train roller coater we've have ever been on. And when we've had enough ... .we can look in the mirror and tell ourselves it's ok to move on.

YOU have to be responsible for yourself and not your BPD. YOU are responsible for your actions NOT theirs. You are responsible for your happiness and NOT theirs.  YOU are NOT responsible for their flying monkey's. It's OK to be selfish ... .who's going to do it for YOU? Ask yourself this question, who has thought about YOUR happiness, feelings, emotions? Certainly NOT your exBPD~!

After a period of time in my own BPD relationship something inside of me just switched & told me it was time to jump off the train. I like ALL of you had been trying to find out what went wrong, what did I say or didn't say, do or didn't do. I went to my own therapist, and was invited to her therapist for a couple of sessions. I researched this site among others, watched constant video's, read books. My friend who is a clinical psychologist and conducts group sessions for BPD (not knowing I was in the final stages of my own BPD relationship, I didn't tell her). She told me, " I don't feel sorry for my patients but I have sympathy for them. They are truly broken human beings with no hope of ever healing".

I went home the night and told her I have to take care of myself, I have to let you go. I'm not mad at you, I'm not angry at you. Those would be a byproduct of the mental illness you have and I'm not that shallow. But I have to heal my mind, soul & body. I wish you the peace you certainly deserve from the demons you battle on a daily basis. I wish you a lifetime of happiness because you've never known it. Good bye".   Now I didn't actually tell her that because it would break NC and the nothing good comes from that. I actually sat in my living room, and said it out loud to hear it for myself. It was me allowing me to move on, it was me allowing myself to let go. It was a way for me to close this chapter in my life and move forward ... .the next day I started the next phase in my life and haven't looked back.

Don't get me wrong ... .it was & continues to be at times very hard ... .but I know that had I stayed there was no way I would be able to have the relationship I want. I have posted on a yellow posted note in my bathroom the 3 C's of BPD, I didn't Cause it~! I can't Control it~! I can't Cure it~!  It was a constant reminder to me that she was a very broken human being and I was never going to help her ... .BPD is beyond any of our control ... .the sooner we accept that ... .the sooner we can move forward to heal.

I've blocked her number, I've locked down my FB account & I don't snipe her either. Nothing good would ever come from that. I'm eating right, exercising, sleeping better, and I'm starting to get back to my normal self ... .or so I'm told.

BPD is a very serious mental illness that hasn't & never will make logical sense to us. We can each learn from this chapter in our life and learn to live a better life ... .life is short ... .one day for no reason you can leave this place ... .you can choose to live it to the fullest or sit in a dark room blinds closed and let life pass you by ... .the choice is YOURS ... .

JQ

Hello everyone.

JQ may I ask how long are you out of the relationship? I know it works different for different people but I guess I am trying to get an idea of about how much time it will take me to get these heavy feelings off of me... .

Thanks

[JQ]

As a few others have said on here already, it was real for them (and certainly us nons), until it wasnt. That is the disorder in and of itself. Bpd's are able to paint black, flip the switch, compartmentalize, and write someone off who yesterday meant everything to them as a defense mechanism. The truth is, it is because we meant everything to them, that they could not handle the fear of losing us... so they leave first. It is impossible for a healthy mind to make sense of.

    I had a moment of insight just this morning actually (9 moths since my discard). Im sure you have all read that they have the emotional capacity of a 3 year old... .well try and imagine hurting a 3 year old (often perceived by the BPD and unintentional by us). Will that 3 year old be able to have an adult conversation with us and fix things? No, they will feel hurt, seclude themselves, and seek out the other parent or source of affection (our replacements).

    The love was very real, but it was a needy love for them... .   just my two cents

molitor,

I couldn't agree more in the fact that those who have BPD do have the emotional capacity of a 3 yr old toddler. They are unable to have that adult conversation as to how to talk through emotions, feelings, misunderstandings. Unlike a 3 yr old toddler, they will never be able to outgrow this incapacity to communicate. I saw moments of clarity in my BPDs eyes, behavior ... .but they were fleeting moments never lasting long. She is an Ivy league educated person with 2 Masters & we could have some incredible conversations that would stretch our imaginations for 4-5-6-7 hours at a time. In a very short period of time of having those she would say or do something that would mimic the behavior of that 3 yr toddler that will be part of her for the rest of her life.

The love was real for both sides of the relationship without a doubt. But so is their mental illness. So is their constant fear of abandonment which leads to their constant search for standby replacements.

The love for my BPD was amazing, she was fun to be with, incredible, laughs, some great conversations & 30 plus years in the making, but in the relatively 2 yrs we were together it was filled with rages, miscommunication, one sex triangle after another, devaluation, projection, gas lighting, hurt & pain. In one of those moment of clarity she told me, "You've done EVERYTHING I've asked you to do". "I can't promise you that I won't have another triangle on you". "Until I can work through that with myself & therapist it's better if you move forward without me ... .I don't want to hurt you anymore".  What does one say to that?

The truth of the matter is that she has this incredible devastating mental illness that will be forever part of her biology, part of her DNA. She battles demons each & everyday from her childhood abuse that I probably would have put a bullet in my brainpan long ago. She pointed out, "I can't Control it!" and I can't Cure her!.  One analogy I heard from a therapist is that loving someone who suffers from BPD like Humpty Dumpty who fell off the wall ... .All the kings men and all the kings horses couldn't put Humpty Dumpty back together again. How I wish that was only a fairy tell ... .but its not ... .it's the sad truth that I would give anything to change for her and everyone else that suffers from it.

Once I accepted the painful reality of BPD ... .I knew I couldn't remain locked away in my dark place with the blinds closed ... .I had been giving this one life to live ... .and having nearly lost that chance to live more then once I know just how short life can be ... .I chose to move forward ... .I will forever love her without a doubt ... .I will miss her ... .but I will also live MY life ... .

JQ

[JQ]

Hello everyone.

JQ may I ask how long are you out of the relationship? I know it works different for different people but I guess I am trying to get an idea of about how much time it will take me to get these heavy feelings off of me... .

Thanks[/quote]
Hi P,

Thats difficult question to answer ... .

I've had two exBPDgf in my life that on the scale would register a 10. I fell for both harder than anyone else I had before. I truly thought this is what love was suppose to be. My first one ended 20 years ago ... .or so I thought. The relationship lasted about 12 months but we were distant friends 12 yrs. Back then I didn't know what BPD was, I just thought she was Batsh!t crazy & left for the military for the next couple of decades. I removed myself from all "long term" relationships and causally dated because of my feelings for her for a very long time. As I've posted else where she has recently (2 yrs) wormed her way into my BPD mothers & BPD sisters life in an attempt to rekindle that "love". I had to recently to go spend some time helping my mother for health concerns. The exBPDgf was there & she told me I was her best lover, that she love me like no other in the past 20 yrs. within 5 minutes of that statement she raged against me & physical assaulted me.  I had to block her number not to receive text or calls due to my sister or mother giving her my number. Neither will admit to giving it to her. That exBPDgf has battle cancer, among other demons for years ... .& like my therapist friend told me, I feel sympathy for her because she will NEVER know or have a normal life. I really kept my distance from her as much as possible when I was in town. When she raged against me I can honestly say ANY ember that was there was quickly extinguished within hours.

My second exBPDgf is more recent after my divorce. Friends from high school we recently connected via FB & like most other BPD relationships it took off within hours after we connected. I was her Knight in Amor protecting her from her "ex-husband", I was the Sheriff riding in with my white hat saving her from those who would do her harm.  but it seem that within weeks she was raging against me, actually loosing her memory of one event against me. I saw repeated signs from a relationship a couple of decades earlier. I was going through some therapy myself at the time to deal with my PTSD & physical injury adjustment when we started to explore this. In one conversation with my gf she told me that her doctor had diagnosed her with BPD and from there I dove into the world. Being in the military I thought I could beat her demons, I could save her and nothing could be further from the truth.

Once I accepted the 3 C's of BPD, I didn't Cause it! I can't Control it! I can't CURE it! I opened up those blinds and started to move forward in my life as I've stated.  I've purposely NOT told you the time frames you've requested ... .EVERYONE is different. Everyone mourns the death of a loved one differently and for different lengths of time ... .it's the same thing when mourning the lost of your love for someone with BPD. I can't tell you that you'll get over the death of your father after 4 or 5 weeks. I can't tell you that you'll get over this amazing love with your BPD in 4 or 5 weeks. I REALLY REALLY wish it was the simple. Would it really make a difference for you if I told you that I felt better after only 3-4, maybe 5 weeks? Would that really help you move forward? Probably not because we're all different.

My mother & sister are BPD. In the two decades I was gone I only came back for several days due to a death in the family or family medical issues. I chose to remove myself from their world of flying monkey's causing chaos & drama. My sister has recently raged against me & we both have removed each other from contacting each other now going on a year. I limit contact with my BPD mother as much as possible.  If they weren't family I can honestly say that I would completely walk away from these relationships in order to improve that part of my life ... .regardless of how the person is related to you & who suffers from BPD mental illness, the time frame is up to YOU & your acceptance of the situation.  YOU are responsible for YOU & YOUR happiness!

JQ

[Rmbrworst]

@itstopsnow

My exBPD was also obsessed with childhood things, like disneyland and McDonald's junk food.  

One of the things I should have paid more attention to is that he never lived alone or with just a room mate in his whole entire life.  He lived with his parents until he was 25, and then moved into a place with his boyfriend.  When him and his boyfriend "broke up", he slept on a blow up bed in the storage room because he didn't want to live alone.  If he wasn't in the other room he was back at his parents house.

These should have been warning signs to me.  Something I will look out for in the future.  

I even offered for him to move in with me very soon into the relationship.  He said he wanted to, but then he discarded me and went back to his ex.

Why would I ask someone to move in so quickly?  

Looking back I wish I wouldn't have become such a punk.  He left me because I turned into a sniveling push over.  Not that I want to try and win him back or anything like that, but my personality changed to cater to his every need.  

Almost like I had to be his parent.

Screw that noise!  Never again!

@JQ

I relate to everything you are saying.  I will always love my exBPD, but I have my own life to live and I cannot fix him.  Moving forward I refuse to be lied to, cheated on, and discarded.  If anybody does those things to me again, it's my sign to pack up and move on outta there!

Love your posts.  I can tell this experience has made you stronger. 

I think a part of us will always ache.

Much love 

[Anez]

They are children. When mine broke things off with me she did it over the phone. I then asked a few times for a follow up talk about my feelings. hell, i gave up my marriage for this relationship.

Her answer when i asked to talk? "Just thinking of talking to you about your feelings gives me too much anxiety."

that's how a child acts.

[Rmbrworst]

They are children. When mine broke things off with me she did it over the phone. I then asked a few times for a follow up talk about my feelings. hell, i gave up my marriage for this relationship.

Her answer when i asked to talk? "Just thinking of talking to you about your feelings gives me too much anxiety."

that's how a child acts.

Yup.

Same crap happened to me.

No thought for anybody but himself.  So I'm left in the dust abandoned and you get to run back to your ex without any explanation. 

Real nice. 

Honestly I am starting to just laugh about it.  So lame.  No spine.  This is not how adults communicate.  Break ups should be amicable and a process.  Grown men don't just drop you like a piece of trash.

We are better off.

So sorry your marriage failed because of this crap.

Much love 

[Penelope35]

Hi P,

Thats difficult question to answer ... .

I've had two exBPDgf in my life that on the scale would register a 10. I fell for both harder than anyone else I had before. I truly thought this is what love was suppose to be. My first one ended 20 years ago ... .or so I thought. The relationship lasted about 12 months but we were distant friends 12 yrs. Back then I didn't know what BPD was, I just thought she was Batsh!t crazy & left for the military for the next couple of decades. I removed myself from all "long term" relationships and causally dated because of my feelings for her for a very long time. As I've posted else where she has recently (2 yrs) wormed her way into my BPD mothers & BPD sisters life in an attempt to rekindle that "love". I had to recently to go spend some time helping my mother for health concerns. The exBPDgf was there & she told me I was her best lover, that she love me like no other in the past 20 yrs. within 5 minutes of that statement she raged against me & physical assaulted me.  I had to block her number not to receive text or calls due to my sister or mother giving her my number. Neither will admit to giving it to her. That exBPDgf has battle cancer, among other demons for years ... .& like my therapist friend told me, I feel sympathy for her because she will NEVER know or have a normal life. I really kept my distance from her as much as possible when I was in town. When she raged against me I can honestly say ANY ember that was there was quickly extinguished within hours.

My second exBPDgf is more recent after my divorce. Friends from high school we recently connected via FB & like most other BPD relationships it took off within hours after we connected. I was her Knight in Amor protecting her from her "ex-husband", I was the Sheriff riding in with my white hat saving her from those who would do her harm.  but it seem that within weeks she was raging against me, actually loosing her memory of one event against me. I saw repeated signs from a relationship a couple of decades earlier. I was going through some therapy myself at the time to deal with my PTSD & physical injury adjustment when we started to explore this. In one conversation with my gf she told me that her doctor had diagnosed her with BPD and from there I dove into the world. Being in the military I thought I could beat her demons, I could save her and nothing could be further from the truth.

Once I accepted the 3 C's of BPD, I didn't Cause it~! I can't Control it~! I can't CURE it~! I opened up those blinds and started to move forward in my life as I've stated.  I've purposely NOT told you the time frames you've requested ... .EVERYONE is different. Everyone mourns the death of a loved one differently and for different lengths of time ... .it's the same thing when mourning the lost of your love for someone with BPD. I can't tell you that you'll get over the death of your father after 4 or 5 weeks. I can't tell you that you'll get over this amazing love with your BPD in 4 or 5 weeks. I REALLY REALLY wish it was the simple. Would it really make a difference for you if I told you that I felt better after only 3-4, maybe 5 weeks? Would that really help you move forward? Probably not because we're all different.

My mother & sister are BPD. In the two decades I was gone I only came back for several days due to a death in the family or family medical issues. I chose to remove myself from their world of flying monkey's causing chaos & drama. My sister has recently raged against me & we both have removed each other from contacting each other now going on a year. I limit contact with my BPD mother as much as possible.  If they weren't family I can honestly say that I would completely walk away from these relationships in order to improve that part of my life ... .regardless of how the person is related to you & who suffers from BPD mental illness, the time frame is up to YOU & your acceptance of the situation.  YOU are responsible for YOU & YOUR happiness~!

JQ

Thank you so much for the thorough reply JQ! Really appreciate it. I know other people's healing process and time frames don't necessarily say something about my speed in the processs to detach but it gives me hope when I listen to your all's stories... .

I too have a hard time processing that certain things could be fake. After playing the whole relationship in my head so many times I came to an understanding that gives me some peace. I came to the conclusion that people with BPD did love us when they said they did, but in their own terms. This is the kind of love they are capable of feeling, with all the push/pull behaviors, idealization/devuation phases, lies, illiciting our FOG etc. But in this context, which is the only context for them, they did mean it when they said they loved us. Which is of course not good enough for us. But still this thought gives me some validation that not everything was a lie or meaningless to them... .

I don't know if what I am saying makes any sense... .what do other people think of this perspective?

[JQ]

Group,

In one of the other forums, "Staying & improving" there was a discussion on the 3 yr old toddler behavior. It's a defensive behavior they learned to survive from the trauma or traumas they experienced as a child in most cases. They go to that "happy place" of innocents and fun. Some evidence suggest that the brain neurons never fully developed because of this and they will forever be the 3 yr old toddler when it comes to the behavior portion of who they are.

@Rmbrworst, you sparked one of my memories of my 2nd exBPDgf with the childhood obsessions. She preferred plain cheese pizza like that of a child & wouldn't explore others. She stopped by fast food restaurants EVERY morning to get junk food breakfast & again at lunch. She preferred food normally associated with that of a child is my point. She preferred comedy tv shows & would have the look & giggle of a innocent child when she watched.

My exBPDgf was afraid to be alone ... .not just at night ... .but anytime so she had to be with someone or call and talk to someone at all hours of the night. It was childlike in her request, or how she would grab my arm and pull it around her to help her feel secure. When she had her kids she would constantly snuggle with them throughout the day ... .in some attempt to feel secure I'm told, to feel loved, to reassure her that she was not alone.

@Anez, I was told more then once how an adult conversation would cause her anxiety and she refused to talk about it. Even when I asked a simple adult question she would completely ignore the question and make a simple childlike statement on a completely different statement.  Those who suffer from BPD mental illness have in part poor impulse control regardless of the subject. I think in part that's one reason we as NONs were attracted to them ... .because of the spontaneity of the relationship, we as NONs are subject to a lot of structor in our life ... .we are the "perfectionist". I can't tell you how many times we would drive 1/2 way across the country to see each other on a moments notice.  After one of our "time outs" she recycled to an old bf who had divorced his wife. He lost his job, raging alcoholic & found it challenging to find more employment or a place to live. She wanted to remain in control of the relationship so she bought him a house within a month of getting back together with plans to move in with her kids. They broke up shortly there after but he remained in the house with her paying the bills. She has since sold it, and waiting on repayment of thousands of dollars from him ... .somehow I don't think that's going to happen.

There are so many other examples I or we could give as a group that would be so similar because of the inherent behavior they "BPD" have.

I learned from many hours of therapy, self evaluation, reading, learning ... .and made mentioned in the other forum that your BPD will ALWAYS be the 3 yr old toddler looking for an adult to give them boundaries, to correct them when needed, to pay the bills ... .you are ALWAYS going to be the adult in the relationship. YOU are going to be mentally & physically exhausted from this life long commitment if you choose to be with a BPD. Evidence suggest that a long term relationship / marriage with a BPD will actually shorten the life of the NON from years of constant stress, emotional, mental and sometimes physical abuse. Yet some decide to choose this life because they can't imagine living a life without this person. I've seen the physical toll it took on my father who died before he was 50 and now I see the physical toll it's taken on her s/o who she's been with now for 25 plus years. They have aged well beyond their years from constant raging from her & the emotional, physical & mental abuse she inflicts each and every day.

@everyone, grab a glass of your favorite adult beverage, turn off the TV & turn on your favorite music ... .relax ... .then ask yourself why you fell in love with your BPD. What was it that made you want to give up everything for this person ... .some gave their health, some gave money, some gave a marriage, some gave of themselves and changed themselves to adapt to this person ... .why?

Did they make you happy? How? Where you excited to come home from work everyday to spend time with them or were you concerned of what you would walk into when you opened the door?  Did you really share the same outlook on life or did you adjust yours to meet theirs?  Did you share the same love for sports, movies, outdoors, museums off work things to do or did you give all of yours up for them? Where they proud to be with you and wanted to share their "happiness" because of you with either of your friends or did you two seem to be isolated? Did you attend family events or visits with each other or were you isolated? Did their family and friends even know about you and that you were a couple?  Did you really admire the inner person of your BPD and how they try to better themselves or was it not even a factor?  Was it just the amazing sexual encounters that you shared given away to abandonment & erotica?  Ask yourself why did you fall in love with your BPD and ask yourself are you ... .have you been happy ... .really happy with the OVERALL relationship? Or are you angry for how they seem to abandon you when all you did was show them unconditional love?  Are you sad that it's over or relieved not to be on the crazy train roller coaster? 

You can miss them ... .that's ok ... .you can always love them and that's ok ... .but if you look deep inside and really be honest with yourself ... .what will the answers be?  No one here will judge you ... .no one here will think lesser of you ... .YOU have to be happy ... .YOU are responsible for your own actions, reactions ... .  but more importantly You are responsible for your own happiness ... .you can't depend on someone else to give you that ... .you can't depend on someone else to make you happy.  You can have someone in your life that will enhance your personal happiness ... .that you can share your happiness with ... .but NEVER depend on someone else to give you happiness ... .

As Anez pointed out, this experience has not only made me stronger, but more educated, and aware of another serious mental behavior ... .but I've had an incredible journey of self discovery ... .I didn't always like what I found ... .but I would like to believe it made me into a better person ... .my wish for each and everyone of you is on your own personal self discovery journey that you make some amazing & eye opening discoveries about yourself and become a better person because of it all ...

JQ

[Confused108]

I am so sorry you went thru this. Loving someone one day and the next they throw you away like a piece of trash is hard. But they fear commitment. They fear abandonment. My ex herself admitted to me that when something hurt her like our painful past she would just run. Bury her feelings and move on. Not a healthy way to deal with things. Hang in there buddy!

[apollotech]

To be clear, we were only together for a year (2015), but I knew her 16 years before that, and I think I loved her that entire time.

Hi homefree,

I suspect that your answer is right here ^^^^. When the emotional relationship started, the intimacy of that one year period, it probably triggered her engulfment issues. A pwBPD does not generally fair well when emotional intimacy is involved.

I knew my BPDexgf for many, many years as a friend (30+ years) before our romantic relationship began. Our romance lasted all of eight months and included two recycles within that time. Once she became emotionally attached to me, the end was in play. It wasn't so much that who she was before was a fake as it was that because of the emotional attachment, I was now exposed to another part of her, her disordered part. Now we have nothing.

[Anez]

To be clear, we were only together for a year (2015), but I knew her 16 years before that, and I think I loved her that entire time.

Hi homefree,

I suspect that your answer is right here ^^^^. When the emotional relationship started, the intimacy of that one year period, it probably triggered her engulfment issues. A pwBPD does not generally fair well when emotional intimacy is involved.

I knew my BPDexgf for many, many years as a friend (30+ years) before our romantic relationship began. Our romance lasted all of eight months and included two recycles within that time. Once she became emotionally attached to me, the end was in play. It wasn't so much that who she was before was a fake as it was that because of the emotional attachment, I was now exposed to another part of her, her disordered part. Now we have nothing.

Man, sorry that happened to you, Apollo. That last line is the hardest part - now we have nothing.

We all had intense relationships that came crashing down to having nothing at all with them and I think that's why it all hurts us so much.

All these stories should help us tho - we all dated the same person, basically, and the downfall of our relationships really had nothing to do with us.

[apollotech]

Hi Anez,

Thanks! Yes, it's a terribly sad disorder. What a person afflicted with BPD wants the most, a stable, reliable, permanent attachment, is exactly what the disorder disallows. At the time, unknowingly, I didn't realize that I was trading a 30+ year friendship for a brief romance that was doomed to fail. To say the least, not a good trade.

[Wantingtochange]

Group,

In one of the other forums, "Staying & improving" there was a discussion on the 3 yr old toddler behavior. It's a defensive behavior they learned to survive from the trauma or traumas they experienced as a child in most cases. They go to that "happy place" of innocents and fun. Some evidence suggest that the brain neurons never fully developed because of this and they will forever be the 3 yr old toddler when it comes to the behavior portion of who they are.

@Rmbrworst, you sparked one of my memories of my 2nd exBPDgf with the childhood obsessions. She preferred plain cheese pizza like that of a child & wouldn't explore others. She stopped by fast food restaurants EVERY morning to get junk food breakfast & again at lunch. She preferred food normally associated with that of a child is my point. She preferred comedy tv shows & would have the look & giggle of a innocent child when she watched.

My exBPDgf was afraid to be alone ... .not just at night ... .but anytime so she had to be with someone or call and talk to someone at all hours of the night. It was childlike in her request, or how she would grab my arm and pull it around her to help her feel secure. When she had her kids she would constantly snuggle with them throughout the day ... .in some attempt to feel secure I'm told, to feel loved, to reassure her that she was not alone.

@Anez, I was told more then once how an adult conversation would cause her anxiety and she refused to talk about it. Even when I asked a simple adult question she would completely ignore the question and make a simple childlike statement on a completely different statement.  Those who suffer from BPD mental illness have in part poor impulse control regardless of the subject. I think in part that's one reason we as NONs were attracted to them ... .because of the spontaneity of the relationship, we as NONs are subject to a lot of structor in our life ... .we are the "perfectionist". I can't tell you how many times we would drive 1/2 way across the country to see each other on a moments notice.  After one of our "time outs" she recycled to an old bf who had divorced his wife. He lost his job, raging alcoholic & found it challenging to find more employment or a place to live. She wanted to remain in control of the relationship so she bought him a house within a month of getting back together with plans to move in with her kids. They broke up shortly there after but he remained in the house with her paying the bills. She has since sold it, and waiting on repayment of thousands of dollars from him ... .somehow I don't think that's going to happen.

There are so many other examples I or we could give as a group that would be so similar because of the inherent behavior they "BPD" have.

I learned from many hours of therapy, self evaluation, reading, learning ... .and made mentioned in the other forum that your BPD will ALWAYS be the 3 yr old toddler looking for an adult to give them boundaries, to correct them when needed, to pay the bills ... .you are ALWAYS going to be the adult in the relationship. YOU are going to be mentally & physically exhausted from this life long commitment if you choose to be with a BPD. Evidence suggest that a long term relationship / marriage with a BPD will actually shorten the life of the NON from years of constant stress, emotional, mental and sometimes physical abuse. Yet some decide to choose this life because they can't imagine living a life without this person. I've seen the physical toll it took on my father who died before he was 50 and now I see the physical toll it's taken on her s/o who she's been with now for 25 plus years. They have aged well beyond their years from constant raging from her & the emotional, physical & mental abuse she inflicts each and every day.

@everyone, grab a glass of your favorite adult beverage, turn off the TV & turn on your favorite music ... .relax ... .then ask yourself why you fell in love with your BPD. What was it that made you want to give up everything for this person ... .some gave their health, some gave money, some gave a marriage, some gave of themselves and changed themselves to adapt to this person ... .why?

Did they make you happy? How? Where you excited to come home from work everyday to spend time with them or were you concerned of what you would walk into when you opened the door?  Did you really share the same outlook on life or did you adjust yours to meet theirs?  Did you share the same love for sports, movies, outdoors, museums off work things to do or did you give all of yours up for them? Where they proud to be with you and wanted to share their "happiness" because of you with either of your friends or did you two seem to be isolated? Did you attend family events or visits with each other or were you isolated? Did their family and friends even know about you and that you were a couple?  Did you really admire the inner person of your BPD and how they try to better themselves or was it not even a factor?  Was it just the amazing sexual encounters that you shared given away to abandonment & erotica?  Ask yourself why did you fall in love with your BPD and ask yourself are you ... .have you been happy ... .really happy with the OVERALL relationship? Or are you angry for how they seem to abandon you when all you did was show them unconditional love?  Are you sad that it's over or relieved not to be on the crazy train roller coaster? 

You can miss them ... .that's ok ... .you can always love them and that's ok ... .but if you look deep inside and really be honest with yourself ... .what will the answers be?  No one here will judge you ... .no one here will think lesser of you ... .YOU have to be happy ... .YOU are responsible for your own actions, reactions ... .  but more importantly You are responsible for your own happiness ... .you can't depend on someone else to give you that ... .you can't depend on someone else to make you happy.  You can have someone in your life that will enhance your personal happiness ... .that you can share your happiness with ... .but NEVER depend on someone else to give you happiness ... .

As Anez pointed out, this experience has not only made me stronger, but more educated, and aware of another serious mental behavior ... .but I've had an incredible journey of self discovery ... .I didn't always like what I found ... .but I would like to believe it made me into a better person ... .my wish for each and everyone of you is on your own personal self discovery journey that you make some amazing & eye opening discoveries about yourself and become a better person because of it all ...

JQ

JQ... .amazing response! It spoke directly to me. In just starting to ask myself those very hard questions you mentioned.