Due to be married in June

[bpd fiancee]

My fiance was diagnosed with BPD a couple of years ago, the funding and understanding of the disorder is nonexistent where we live. It seems like in the last few months or so he's gotten considerably worse, around new year his relationship with alochol got a lot worse and he hit me for the first time during a drunken outburst, and I have no idea how to cope with that. Its getting to the point where I am considering calling off the wedding and leaving. I just wish I knew how to deal with him when he gets like that!

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Lucky Jim]

Physical violence is, for me, the line in the sand.  He crossed it.  He made your decision easy, in my view.

LuckyJim

[Mollyd]

Hi there,

You wrote, "I just wish I knew how to deal with him when he gets like that!"

It sounds like you think there IS a way to deal with someone who is emotionally escalated, drunk, and perhaps has problems with emotional regulation even when they aren't drunk?  I think -  the answer is "safely!".

Generally, people are not rational when they are escalated or drunk, so trying to have a conversation with them is fruitless at best, and dangerous at worst.  Removing yourself from a person in this state until they calm down and sober up is always the boundary I use, no matter what.  If they are dangerous to themselves, and I'm worried about them, I call the police so they can be safe.  If this is a pattern, having a quick escape route with a bag pre-packed makes a quick exit easier.

If you are having a difficult time leaving him when he is escalated and drunk, I'd wonder what's going on with you, what are you thinking, what are you trying to accomplish? (Questions meant in a non-judgemental tone)

YOUR SAFETY IS THE FIRST PRIORITY. 

Hope that's helpful.

Molly

[livednlearned]

Hi BPD fiancee,

That had to be quite scary and very upsetting. I'm glad you're safe and found this site.

You mentioned that things seem to be getting worse with his alcohol consumption. Is there anything you can pinpoint that may be increasing his stress? People with BPD don't do well with stress. People with BPD also struggle with impulsivity, and alcohol can take away the little amount of restraint they have when sober. How did he react after he hit you? Do you feel comfortable sharing with us what happened and how you left things between the two of you?

There are a lot of skills and lessons that can help us work through what's going on in our relationships, and places where we can minimize conflict, as well as learn boundaries to make sure we stay safe in these relationships.

You're not alone. We're here for you 

LnL