What to do next? (Long post)

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hello everyone  

This is my first post here and I've been reading around for a while, so I finally decided that I would like to share my story and perhaps get some help from others who have gone through similar situations. I am 21 years old, my ex is 24 years old. We've been in a relationship for two and a half years. I'd be grateful for any insights and help I can get! The story is quite long, so if you would like to have a "short version", please tell me... .Even though I think this will be more insightful.

The story:

She seemed like this unreachable girl, "out of my league", and after a few months she also told me she just saw me as a friend, which cemented this belief. We shared a strong bond, yet I was deeply in love with her! She was just so attractive in every aspect. Even a week before getting in a relationship with her she told me "I should forget that" (even though we slept together - without anything happening at this point - but still). A week later she suddenly changed her mind. I was in heaven! My first relationship! With hindsight, things were already slowly progressing to us getting a relationship, but it was only when another girl started to like me that "C." (Let's call her that) acted quickly.

Two weeks into the relationship, she was hospitalised. She was very depressive, even to the point of trying to commit suicide (I do not know whether it was for attention or whether she meant it, but you don't want to take any risks with things like that... .). Subsequently, she had to quit her studies. I was still studying, but my days started at 6:30am, ended at 5:30pm and then I went straight to her. I was home at 10:30pm, with me still having to do all my stuff (study, eat, take a shower, sleep... .). I lived like that for a month, until she was released from the hospital. In hindsight, this is when she told my stepmom "I just told them what they wanted to hear so I could get out ASAP"! (I only discovered this recently). During her therapy, it was discovered she suffers from several personality disorders (PTSD, OCD traits, Dissociative disorder... .) yet all her "characteristics" perfecly match BPD. After two years, and reading a LOT, I am 100% positive it MUST be that. She's a master of illusion - those around her usually would not know anything. Even her parents or her close friends would remain clueless, most of the time (not always).

In total, she has "tried" committing suicide three times. If I wanted the "easy way out" with her, then I could have left her in the first two weeks, but I loved her and stayed with her. Another example: once I had a class and she called me. I knew she was not feeling well so I walked out of the class. She told me she wanted to end her life, but I was at a two-hour distance and nobody was home at her place, causing me to go mad. If she would have wanted it, nobody could have stopped her.

During the relationship, we had lots of quarrels. Usually about small, meaningless things. One example of such a recurring fight was her being convinced that she HAD to study in order to achieve things in life. I have always tried telling her that the "vast majority" does not study at a university and IS happy, that there are many ways to achieve happiness. That is what I believe. Yet she'd respond with: "That's easy of you to say, you're studying!" In total, she has started four studies. She quit the first two because they weren't exactly what she liked, but she quit the second two because she got extremely depressive (she's always striving for perfection. She could easily spend eight hours on an assignment which is just one page). After her last attempt at studying (when she got very depressive again), she got antidepressants. Those first few weeks were absolutely terrible. She was completely without emotions. Not caring about anything. That was scary to see.

Another example was her absolutely being against me speaking about my problems with my best friend (she always told me "it's because she's female!" but I doubt that. I have known "P." (my best friend) for 14 years now, so if we wanted to start a relationship, it would have happened already. She'd express this jealousy towards multiple people, but when I would tell her (politely) she became completely defensive: "How can you accuse me of something like that? If you really think that then you should leave!" Causing me to "weaken" my argument, of course... .

Nevertheless, we had great moments, too. We had an absolutely great holiday in Athens last year, for instance. We have also visited lots of places in our area, just for a day. Why do I bring this up now? Let's fast-forward to September this year. We had a huge fight and I almost ended our relationship. I cannot remember exactly how or why it happened, but at a certain point I told her politely - still containing myself - that I had trouble with "the way she acts sometimes". I carefully explained what I meant, but as I should have expected, she took it as a personal insult and once again threatened with "Then you should leave me, or accept me as I am. I also cannot do anything about it!" She did not understand the distinction between her being "troublesome" and her having some characteristics which troubled me. I really loved her! A lot! At the end, she even told me: "Now, tell me, what do you want?" I couldn't end it, and didn't.

A common complaint from her part the past period was that "I am too passive" and she "wants fun". She "had to pull me off the couch to do fun stuff". To be honest, yes, she was the "more active" person, but it is not that black and white as she tells it is. She was right to some extent, but not that much, and I was already working on that. Moreover, I was studying and she had all the time of the world to work. And she was working a lot. She told me "well, I can pay for a vacation for us!" Yet she got angry when I replied: "I'd really love to go on a holiday with you, but I cannot accept such a large gift. That's too much for now." I would feel very guilty if I accepted that.

Let's fast-forward to the "core part": Mid-November, she decided to abruptly take her antidepressants after a year. In the beginning of December, I had my BA graduation ceremony. She was "so proud of me" and "so happy", we had a great day. On the 7th it was her birthday. I gave her a gift, of course. She was "so happy!" with it. On the 9th we went out for drinks with her friends.

She had to work 7 days a week and I was extremely busy with deadlines for my uni, so we barely had the time to see each other, yet, we found a spot on Sunday the 20th! She told me how she "missed me" and was looking forward to "us having some time for each other". The 14th she asked me to be "the father of her children someday" and told me "she's afraid of losing me and my family, which is her family too" and "how much she loves me / us". I reassured her about everything.

On the 20th, she told me she had lots of stuff to (Christmas shopping too) do so we couldn't do anything that day. That was no problem to me. I did not like it, but it was fine. The next day, she asked me "What are you going to do today? I am going to the city, I still have to buy stuff for my grandpa and blablabla", I told her I was at home, learning. During that day, she surprisingly stormed into our house (I was home alone). It's a 45 minutes trip from her house to my house and usually I ALWAYS picked her up at the station. She never just walked to my house. So I was startled yet surprised and thought she wanted to surprise me. I hugged her and that's when she told me "I cannot do this anymore". She wanted to end our relationship. She seemed so emotionless, it was so weird. Nothing hit her. She told me "Scream at me! Hit me!" (I still wonder why) but I stayed very calm.

Her reasons for braking up were: "We are incompatible. I like to do stuff and you are happy with staying on the couch." The complaint I wrote about earlier. I simply cannot afford to travel 1491 times every year. She works, I study. She gets paid, I don't. But I had so many small, fun things in my mind to already do with her and was already changing my "not doing that much".

On top of that, she told me we had "frequent fights" too, which "weren't healthy" yet those fights were usually into one direction, my direction. It was often because of my health concerns for her, or small, unreasonable little things she complained about. At one point (I got this out of her later) she was obsessed with me taking on a job "because I am so intelligent and I can do that. I can spend my time more wisely!" I did have spare time back then, but I do not see the need to "fill in ALL my time". Those kind of things.

Her last point was that she got feelings for a colleague at work. "But this was only the final droplet for her to decide to end it" (I don't believe this). That colleague had been chasing her for a while yet she told him she has a boyfriend. He did not give up. At a certain point, instead of with ME, she started discussing our problems with HIM. He started complimenting her on how amazing she is, etc. etc. And then you are asking for it, basically. One person's giving you all this positive attention and the other is giving you negative attention because he is concerned of your health. A sane person would not fall for this. But: who's the person that cares more about you? I'd say the one who gives you negative attention except for all the things you want to hear. Needless to say, she said "her getting feelings for someone else" is a "clear sign there's something wrong in our relationship".

She broke off all contact with me (she had already lined up the next one) and on the 28th (a week after she ended it) she had sex with this other person. In the last month, we barely had sex. I decided that she was so careless with her pills that we would not do it until there was another solution (we already planned to look for that together). She saw that as a way of me distancing myself from her. On days I reminded her THREE times to take her pill, but she would still forget. And if she'd forget a pill in her first week she'd still tell me "Oh, but for a few moments it is not dangerous, right? It is okay". She was so irresponsible... .Back on topic: this other person was apparently not that responsible and did it three times with her on one day. Afterwards she was afraid she might get pregnant. They did not do it safely and she was not on the pill. So, she took a morning after pill (about the 20th in her life already. Those things are so damaging... .). Yet still, if she was pregnant "Then she could text him." She got angry and said "I will tell you personally!" and he insisted on her texting him. Then she saw what she's really worth to him. For her, it was a one-night stand because she just "needed it", it was only "physical" yet with me it was "special". And she does not want a relationship at all, she wants to be "free".

Things do not end here. This person has a criminal record. Street robbery of an old lady, drugs possession, arms possession... .("But now he brings the old lady flowers every month and his last contact with police is 1 1/2 years ago already, he's changed!" Her parents told her "It's either US, or HIM". So, she does not want a relationship with him and it was just a one-night stand because she "needed it". If you think things end here, they don't: He has had a LOT of women in his life already. She said "70" (perhaps not 70... .) so there's a good risk of her contracting a disease. The first test did not reveal anything but you can only see HIV after three months. Her reaction to that? Emotionless. She is very emotionless. "Oh well. If it's like that it's like that. And with medicines I can get old with it." Does this sound sane to you?

After quitting her meds she says she's "never felt this good", but in the beginning people around her said she started "forgetting things and doing weird things". She's currently moving out of her parents' house into an anti squat house (HOW can she sustain herself if she is ill?), she ended our relationship, she wants to study again from September onwards, she wants to work more, she wants to see the world and travel a lot. She's always wanted some of those things (like studying and living on her own), but now she's putting all of them into practice, all of a sudden. All this information comes from my mom. My mom contacted her about a week ago because she had some questions of her own (I have not told my mom everything yet "allowed" her to contact "C." if she wanted to. Also out of curiosity from my part... .). Yet to my mom, she replied very happily, saying stuff like "I miss you!" and "Yeah, B. (my sister) was like a sis to me too!".

I cannot help her anymore, it is not my task, but it does bug me, she's a person I deeply cared for. She does not want any contact with me anymore and I do not know what I did to deserve that. I intend to wait a few months (passively - in the meantime I will continue with my own stuff) and then text her again to see how she's doing. It's not a given she will reply, but perhaps she will. I just do not want to lose her completely... .I have forgotten quite a few things here, I think... .

A few questions I have:

- Will she be able to keep up all the things she is suddenly doing?

- What will happen if she can't?

- She started NC with me. Will she keep that up? (Disregarding EVERYTHING I have done for her?)

- The main questions: "Have I lost her completely?" and "How can I make sure she'll at least stay in my life to some extent"?

I am sorry for the long read. More than a month has passed, yet I am still very confused.

[Fred42]

Hello everyone  

This is my first post here and I've been reading around for a while, so I finally decided that I would like to share my story and perhaps get some help from others who have gone through similar situations. I am 21 years old, my ex is 24 years old. We've been in a relationship for two and a half years. I'd be grateful for any insights and help I can get! The story is quite long, so if you would like to have a "short version", please tell me... .Even though I think this will be more insightful.

The story:

She seemed like this unreachable girl, "out of my league", and after a few months she also told me she just saw me as a friend, which cemented this belief. We shared a strong bond, yet I was deeply in love with her! She was just so attractive in every aspect. Even a week before getting in a relationship with her she told me "I should forget that" (even though we slept together - without anything happening at this point - but still). A week later she suddenly changed her mind. I was in heaven! My first relationship! With hindsight, things were already slowly progressing to us getting a relationship, but it was only when another girl started to like me that "C." (Let's call her that) acted quickly.

Two weeks into the relationship, she was hospitalised. She was very depressive, even to the point of trying to commit suicide (I do not know whether it was for attention or whether she meant it, but you don't want to take any risks with things like that... .). Subsequently, she had to quit her studies. I was still studying, but my days started at 6:30am, ended at 5:30pm and then I went straight to her. I was home at 10:30pm, with me still having to do all my stuff (study, eat, take a shower, sleep... .). I lived like that for a month, until she was released from the hospital. In hindsight, this is when she told my stepmom "I just told them what they wanted to hear so I could get out ASAP"! (I only discovered this recently). During her therapy, it was discovered she suffers from several personality disorders (PTSD, OCD traits, Dissociative disorder... .) yet all her "characteristics" perfecly match BPD. After two years, and reading a LOT, I am 100% positive it MUST be that. She's a master of illusion - those around her usually would not know anything. Even her parents or her close friends would remain clueless, most of the time (not always).

In total, she has "tried" committing suicide three times. If I wanted the "easy way out" with her, then I could have left her in the first two weeks, but I loved her and stayed with her. Another example: once I had a class and she called me. I knew she was not feeling well so I walked out of the class. She told me she wanted to end her life, but I was at a two-hour distance and nobody was home at her place, causing me to go mad. If she would have wanted it, nobody could have stopped her.

During the relationship, we had lots of quarrels. Usually about small, meaningless things. One example of such a recurring fight was her being convinced that she HAD to study in order to achieve things in life. I have always tried telling her that the "vast majority" does not study at a university and IS happy, that there are many ways to achieve happiness. That is what I believe. Yet she'd respond with: "That's easy of you to say, you're studying!" In total, she has started four studies. She quit the first two because they weren't exactly what she liked, but she quit the second two because she got extremely depressive (she's always striving for perfection. She could easily spend eight hours on an assignment which is just one page). After her last attempt at studying (when she got very depressive again), she got antidepressants. Those first few weeks were absolutely terrible. She was completely without emotions. Not caring about anything. That was scary to see.

Another example was her absolutely being against me speaking about my problems with my best friend (she always told me "it's because she's female!" but I doubt that. I have known "P." (my best friend) for 14 years now, so if we wanted to start a relationship, it would have happened already. She'd express this jealousy towards multiple people, but when I would tell her (politely) she became completely defensive: "How can you accuse me of something like that? If you really think that then you should leave!" Causing me to "weaken" my argument, of course... .

Nevertheless, we had great moments, too. We had an absolutely great holiday in Athens last year, for instance. We have also visited lots of places in our area, just for a day. Why do I bring this up now? Let's fast-forward to September this year. We had a huge fight and I almost ended our relationship. I cannot remember exactly how or why it happened, but at a certain point I told her politely - still containing myself - that I had trouble with "the way she acts sometimes". I carefully explained what I meant, but as I should have expected, she took it as a personal insult and once again threatened with "Then you should leave me, or accept me as I am. I also cannot do anything about it!" She did not understand the distinction between her being "troublesome" and her having some characteristics which troubled me. I really loved her! A lot! At the end, she even told me: "Now, tell me, what do you want?" I couldn't end it, and didn't.

A common complaint from her part the past period was that "I am too passive" and she "wants fun". She "had to pull me off the couch to do fun stuff". To be honest, yes, she was the "more active" person, but it is not that black and white as she tells it is. She was right to some extent, but not that much, and I was already working on that. Moreover, I was studying and she had all the time of the world to work. And she was working a lot. She told me "well, I can pay for a vacation for us!" Yet she got angry when I replied: "I'd really love to go on a holiday with you, but I cannot accept such a large gift. That's too much for now." I would feel very guilty if I accepted that.

Let's fast-forward to the "core part": Mid-November, she decided to abruptly take her antidepressants after a year. In the beginning of December, I had my BA graduation ceremony. She was "so proud of me" and "so happy", we had a great day. On the 7th it was her birthday. I gave her a gift, of course. She was "so happy!" with it. On the 9th we went out for drinks with her friends.

She had to work 7 days a week and I was extremely busy with deadlines for my uni, so we barely had the time to see each other, yet, we found a spot on Sunday the 20th! She told me how she "missed me" and was looking forward to "us having some time for each other". The 14th she asked me to be "the father of her children someday" and told me "she's afraid of losing me and my family, which is her family too" and "how much she loves me / us". I reassured her about everything.

On the 20th, she told me she had lots of stuff to (Christmas shopping too) do so we couldn't do anything that day. That was no problem to me. I did not like it, but it was fine. The next day, she asked me "What are you going to do today? I am going to the city, I still have to buy stuff for my grandpa and blablabla", I told her I was at home, learning. During that day, she surprisingly stormed into our house (I was home alone). It's a 45 minutes trip from her house to my house and usually I ALWAYS picked her up at the station. She never just walked to my house. So I was startled yet surprised and thought she wanted to surprise me. I hugged her and that's when she told me "I cannot do this anymore". She wanted to end our relationship. She seemed so emotionless, it was so weird. Nothing hit her. She told me "Scream at me! Hit me!" (I still wonder why) but I stayed very calm.

Her reasons for braking up were: "We are incompatible. I like to do stuff and you are happy with staying on the couch." The complaint I wrote about earlier. I simply cannot afford to travel 1491 times every year. She works, I study. She gets paid, I don't. But I had so many small, fun things in my mind to already do with her and was already changing my "not doing that much".

On top of that, she told me we had "frequent fights" too, which "weren't healthy" yet those fights were usually into one direction, my direction. It was often because of my health concerns for her, or small, unreasonable little things she complained about. At one point (I got this out of her later) she was obsessed with me taking on a job "because I am so intelligent and I can do that. I can spend my time more wisely!" I did have spare time back then, but I do not see the need to "fill in ALL my time". Those kind of things.

Her last point was that she got feelings for a colleague at work. "But this was only the final droplet for her to decide to end it" (I don't believe this). That colleague had been chasing her for a while yet she told him she has a boyfriend. He did not give up. At a certain point, instead of with ME, she started discussing our problems with HIM. He started complimenting her on how amazing she is, etc. etc. And then you are asking for it, basically. One person's giving you all this positive attention and the other is giving you negative attention because he is concerned of your health. A sane person would not fall for this. But: who's the person that cares more about you? I'd say the one who gives you negative attention except for all the things you want to hear. Needless to say, she said "her getting feelings for someone else" is a "clear sign there's something wrong in our relationship".

She broke off all contact with me (she had already lined up the next one) and on the 28th (a week after she ended it) she had sex with this other person. In the last month, we barely had sex. I decided that she was so careless with her pills that we would not do it until there was another solution (we already planned to look for that together). She saw that as a way of me distancing myself from her. On days I reminded her THREE times to take her pill, but she would still forget. And if she'd forget a pill in her first week she'd still tell me "Oh, but for a few moments it is not dangerous, right? It is okay". She was so irresponsible... .Back on topic: this other person was apparently not that responsible and did it three times with her on one day. Afterwards she was afraid she might get pregnant. They did not do it safely and she was not on the pill. So, she took a morning after pill (about the 20th in her life already. Those things are so damaging... .). Yet still, if she was pregnant "Then she could text him." She got angry and said "I will tell you personally!" and he insisted on her texting him. Then she saw what she's really worth to him. For her, it was a one-night stand because she just "needed it", it was only "physical" yet with me it was "special". And she does not want a relationship at all, she wants to be "free".

Things do not end here. This person has a criminal record. Street robbery of an old lady, drugs possession, arms possession... .("But now he brings the old lady flowers every month and his last contact with police is 1 1/2 years ago already, he's changed!" Her parents told her "It's either US, or HIM". So, she does not want a relationship with him and it was just a one-night stand because she "needed it". If you think things end here, they don't: He has had a LOT of women in his life already. She said "70" (perhaps not 70... .) so there's a good risk of her contracting a disease. The first test did not reveal anything but you can only see HIV after three months. Her reaction to that? Emotionless. She is very emotionless. "Oh well. If it's like that it's like that. And with medicines I can get old with it." Does this sound sane to you?

After quitting her meds she says she's "never felt this good", but in the beginning people around her said she started "forgetting things and doing weird things". She's currently moving out of her parents' house into an anti squat house (HOW can she sustain herself if she is ill?), she ended our relationship, she wants to study again from September onwards, she wants to work more, she wants to see the world and travel a lot. She's always wanted some of those things (like studying and living on her own), but now she's putting all of them into practice, all of a sudden. All this information comes from my mom. My mom contacted her about a week ago because she had some questions of her own (I have not told my mom everything yet "allowed" her to contact "C." if she wanted to. Also out of curiosity from my part... .). Yet to my mom, she replied very happily, saying stuff like "I miss you!" and "Yeah, B. (my sister) was like a sis to me too!".

I cannot help her anymore, it is not my task, but it does bug me, she's a person I deeply cared for. She does not want any contact with me anymore and I do not know what I did to deserve that. I intend to wait a few months (passively - in the meantime I will continue with my own stuff) and then text her again to see how she's doing. It's not a given she will reply, but perhaps she will. I just do not want to lose her completely... .I have forgotten quite a few things here, I think... .

A few questions I have:

- Will she be able to keep up all the things she is suddenly doing?

- What will happen if she can't?

- She started NC with me. Will she keep that up? (Disregarding EVERYTHING I have done for her?)

- The main questions: "Have I lost her completely?" and "How can I make sure she'll at least stay in my life to some extent"?

I am sorry for the long read. More than a month has passed, yet I am still very confused.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[sweetheart]

Welcome to bpdfamily Fred42, 

It's good that you found us and there will be many members here who will be able to relate to your story. Thank you for telling us what brought you here, I can hear that you and your gf had many great times together, but also had some very difficult times that have you feeling lost and confused now that the relationship has ended.

Perhaps with support from the members here we can help you find out if there are things that you can do to help you feel better.

I can hear how much you want her back in your life, but from what you are saying she is with someone else now and that is painful for sure. Posting here can help make a way forward clearer.

Who do you have for support, family, friends, do you have access to a college support services?

Let us know how you are.

[Fred42]

Thank you very much for reading all of it and for your kind message, sweetheart. I truly appreciate it.

Yes, we had lots of great times, but also lost of difficult times. I do not think she realises how difficult it was for me at times as well. At times, if I told her that it was difficult for me too if she was suffering she'd tell me "I am the one who is experiencing it. So I think I am the one who suffers more." But honestly, after all of this, I think seeing a loved one suffering is harder than suffering yourself.

I don't think she's with someone else, but I can't be sure about that, I'll explain myself: she did it with the other guy, then she asked him: "We've got a relationship now, right?" He agreed, and an hour later, she changed her mind and did not want a relationship. All of a sudden, she wants to be "free" now (of a relationship) and last week my mother had a conversation via the phone with her (when she seemed so emotionless) and she told her she does not have a new boyfriend after my mom asked her (she did not know I was present). But she changes her mind so often... .(I knew all of this because we still had contact until about two weeks after our relationship. Then all of a sudden she does not want any contact with me anymore).

Back in September she told me she was afraid of passing on her "illness" to her children, so she decided not to have any children in the future. I encouraged her to at least visit a doctor to check if it is inheritable, but she was very convinced. I told her "That's very difficult for me (it's one of my biggest wishes) but I am not going to leave you for that. The two of us will stay together." A month later she suddenly changed her mind and told me she wanted a child from me in the future! And even "weirder": she was surprised that I did not react ecstatically!

In my area I've got lots of support from friends and family and I can talk to lots of people. The difficult thing is that most of them clearly prefer me "just forgetting about her", which I understand, out of kindness, they see me suffer and thinks that solves the problem. Most of them see her in the role of the perpetrator, I do too, but I also see her "victim" role, which is confusing. Even more confusing: all of this happened after she quit taking her antidepressants. But I cannot be sure if that's due to her quitting her medication or something she would have done if she didn't quit too... .

I have access to college support services, and I am thinking of making use of them. It's been more than a month now, yet I still dream of her every night and I'd really love just being able to talk to her. I am wondering how she's continuing with her life now, with all those major changes, and just the daily stuff. And whether she thinks of me sometimes or not... .

[sweetheart]

Fred of course you're thinking about her, why wouldn't you, she was important to you. I understand wanting her to be thinking about you. 

Do you have some thoughts about what you want to do ? Do you want to reach out to her in the hope that you can find out if a relationship might be possible again, or do you want to get support to detach and move on with your life? There are no rights or wrongs here, only making sure whatever decision you make you begin by taking really good care of you.

I'm really glad to hear that you're thinking about contacting college support services, finding someone to talk to can really help.

Keep posting here as well, someone will always be here to listen. 

[Fred42]

Fred of course you're thinking about her, why wouldn't you, she was important to you. I understand wanting her to be thinking about you. 

Do you have some thoughts about what you want to do ? Do you want to reach out to her in the hope that you can find out if a relationship might be possible again, or do you want to get support to detach and move on with your life? There are no rights or wrongs here, only making sure whatever decision you make you begin by taking really good care of you.

I'm really glad to hear that you're thinking about contacting college support services, finding someone to talk to can really help.

Keep posting here as well, someone will always be here to listen. 

Thank you, sweetheart. You are so kind! Truly a sweetheart

I'd really prefer reaching out to her again. But seeing that she blocked me from everything, that's impossible now. (She still has ways of contacting me, via e-mail, for instance... .and she might even get information via her friends on Facebook, for instance... .I don't know if she does that). Perhaps in a few months I can try contacting her again, to see how she is doing. I'll wait passively, continuing with my own stuff in the meantime.

I know all the radical steps she is taking now won't work in the end, relying on past experiences with her. But I cannot stop her from that. By contacting her, getting back into a relationship would be absolutely the "highest goal" (sorry, English is not my native language) but at the moment, it's not having any contact at all which is hurting me so much. How can she want my children in the future in one week, end the relationship in the next, sleep with someone else in the next and cut off all contact two weeks afterwards?

[livednlearned]

Hi Fred42,

It takes a lot of strength to not be emotionally injured in a BPD relationship. Learning about how things are for her can really help, and you will begin to see the predictably unpredictable and consistently inconsistent patterns, meanwhile learning skills to help steady the relationship. 

She may need you to be the guy she fell in love with, not the guy she left. Around the time she hooked up with her coworker, you were bearing down on her and maybe she felt this was too much. Do you feel you can have a light, fun conversation with her?

If she does reconnect, it's important to understand how validation works in these relationships. From your story it sounds like there were some opportunities where she needed emotional validation more than rational explanations (JADE: justify, argue, defend, explain). JADEing can feel invalidating to someone who is experiencing intense emotions. You can read about validation here. 

There's a book called You Don't Have to Make Everything All Better that really helped me *get* validation, if you want to read more.

[Fred42]

Hi Fred42,

It takes a lot of strength to not be emotionally injured in a BPD relationship. Learning about how things are for her can really help, and you will begin to see the predictably unpredictable and consistently inconsistent patterns, meanwhile learning skills to help steady the relationship.  

She may need you to be the guy she fell in love with, not the guy she left. Around the time she hooked up with her coworker, you were bearing down on her and maybe she felt this was too much. Do you feel you can have a light, fun conversation with her?

If she does reconnect, it's important to understand how validation works in these relationships. From your story it sounds like there were some opportunities where she needed emotional validation more than rational explanations (JADE: justify, argue, defend, explain). JADEing can feel invalidating to someone who is experiencing intense emotions. You can read about validation here.  

There's a book called You Don't Have to Make Everything All Better that really helped me *get* validation, if you want to read more.

Hello livednlearned, thank you for your response!

I think you are correct. In the past period, I wanted to avoid her getting hurt. An example of this is her suddenly deciding to stop taking her antidepressants and me telling her she shouldn't (we had an argument about that)... .I knew she'd get hurt by that in the end, but perhaps I should have supported her in that, or better, validate her decision. Even though my concerns were valid, I think she just felt I was invalidating her and she got that validation from that coworker (I know for a fact that he told her everything she wanted to her and agreed on almost everything with her).

If she decides to reconnect, I would love to be the guy she fell in love with to her again. From my part, I think I can have a normal, fun conversation with her, but she literally blocked me from everything and "does not feel the need for contact". She even erased my phone number (but there are always multiple ways to contact me). What I am unsure about is, if she will ignore me permanently or until something goes wrong with her "new plans"... .I truly wish for her new "plans" to succeed, but I know from experience she will only end up getting hurt. I will keep on reading about validation, thank you very much!

[Fred42]

I forgot mentioning this, but for the past five years, I have done some personality disorder tests myself, a few times a year on different websites. I have always scored very high for ':)ependent Personality Disorder' (DPD), that's the pattern I saw, and I also recognise a lot of the traits in my own behaviour. Just some examples: I almost did not start studying a few years ago just because I was very afraid of taking the train. Some of my friends pushed me a lot to go with them by train, and only then did I travel by train. Also, with my BPD-ex girlfriend, she was very impulsive and would seek out new things to do, while I would do things within my comfort zone and in an area I know with her (this is also the "I am too passive vs. she is too active" thing she told me). For me, as long as I can stay within my daily pattern I am fine. But if I something changes or something goes wrong, I need a LOT of reassurance and guidance from others.

Since I have had this suspicion for a long time, I at least want to get it tested. Or, just at least get some help, because in hindsight, and I have thought this for quite a while, my behaviour in many cases has been irregular too. Of course internet tests cannot be trusted in general, but for several years in multiple test the same result shows a pattern. I never told her because her problems were "more prominent" and stability helped her, not me having problems too. I also thought it was not worth telling her since I was probably making things up and she'd tell me I was just "acting like her", to have something too. Was this a bad decision from my part, that I never told her about my suspicion? That she thought it was just "regular behaviour" from my part? And if DPD is diagnosed (does not have to be... .) should I tell her? She has always been open to me regarding her problems, it is only fair to tell her what she's been up against too (but only if this is the case). I can imagine it can have caused a lot of confusion for her too, because I did not talk with her about it.

Final question: is it common for DPDs (or at least with DPD traits) to be attracted by BPDs? Thank you very much!

[Inharmsway]

Hi Fred42,

I'm a newbie on this foum but will welcome you nonetheless. And no need to worry, your english is superb .

Now onto your post, it struck a chord or two. I know exactly what you are going through. I went through all that, being told im being too passive and being too nice is annoying etc. I'd like to believe that i moved mountains for ex,  did my best to make his world perfect but to what avail?

As normal as i thought all this was on my part, i realized in hind sight that i was doing all this to make up for what was missing in my own life. I thought i was a normal, happy individual before all this. But actually discovered that if were truly happy, self sufficient and emotionally matured, i would have long walked away from the toxic rationship despite the overwhelming love i felt for this person.

My codependency kept me there because i enjoyed being needed, secretly loved the drama and chaos. The straw that broke the camel's back was when i decided to pull the plug after his last "episode" which was triggered by i guess me being my "nice" self as usual.  That last explosion triggered something in me i never knew i had, the strentgh to call it quits for good this tme despite tje intense love i felt for him. I realized that things werent adding up, i did t even know what BPD was. I knew deep down i had had enough.

The withdrawal that followed subsequent to that was intense. I felt as though a part of me is gone. But i somehow forged through. The support i received by reading similar stories on here is what helped me. I have never loved like this before. The metaphor is used was that, i started seeing him as "body Organ with melignant cancer" i either amputate and lose the infected organ to preserve my life or i value and cherish the infected organ and lose my Life in the process.

I'm happy that you are slowly realizjng that you could be at fault as well but am also sorry for your loss. I hope you attain whatever outcome you seek from this.

[Fred42]

Hi Fred42,

I'm a newbie on this foum but will welcome you nonetheless. And no need to worry, your english is superb .

Now onto your post, it struck a chord or two. I know exactly what you are going through. I went through all that, being told im being too passive and being too nice is annoying etc. I'd like to believe that i moved mountains for ex,  did my best to make his world perfect but to what avail?

As normal as i thought all this was on my part, i realized in hind sight that i was doing all this to make up for what was missing in my own life. I thought i was a normal, happy individual before all this. But actually discovered that if were truly happy, self sufficient and emotionally matured, i would have long walked away from the toxic rationship despite the overwhelming love i felt for this person.

My codependency kept me there because i enjoyed being needed, secretly loved the drama and chaos. The straw that broke the camel's back was when i decided to pull the plug after his last "episode" which was triggered by i guess me being my "nice" self as usual.  That last explosion triggered something in me i never knew i had, the strentgh to call it quits for good this tme despite tje intense love i felt for him. I realized that things werent adding up, i did t even know what BPD was. I knew deep down i had had enough.

The withdrawal that followed subsequent to that was intense. I felt as though a part of me is gone. But i somehow forged through. The support i received by reading similar stories on here is what helped me. I have never loved like this before. The metaphor is used was that, i started seeing him as "body Organ with melignant cancer" i either amputate and lose the infected organ to preserve my life or i value and cherish the infected organ and lose my Life in the process.

I'm happy that you are slowly realizjng that you could be at fault as well but am also sorry for your loss. I hope you attain whatever outcome you seek from this.

Hello Inharmsway, thank you very much for your kind response! It helps reading about the similar experiences of others, even though I (obviously) think nobody deserves to go through situations like these... .

In hindsight now, I think her calling me passive might be partially my fault too. Due to her problems, I thought she needed a strong person. I wanted to be that person for her, I was willing to "bend" myself. I also did not talk to her that much about my own problems and have always tried hiding them (funny - I did the same thing which I thought of her... .Without even noticing it). I was absolutely terrified of doing anything out of my comfort zone with her, and that started to annoy her (she could be extremely impulsive at times). I am still afraid of doing new things unless someone else takes charge. And that was how we "worked", she was impulsive, that's how I discovered new things. I was terrified of taking charge in new things, yet I did not want to tell her about my fears because she has such a large burden already. She needed a strong person. I guess I should have told her, even though I thought it wouldn't help her earlier on, it actually might have helped.

To me, it seems like you've been able to step up and take charge. You've drawn a line at a certain point. I have actually been in a similar situation where I could have done that back in September, but I simply couldn't. My "love" overpowered my "hurt", and it still does. I would take her back without consideration.

I guess this is a time I'll also need to overcome my own fears and work on myself with some professional help, but I long so much for contact with her. I have always had a big fear of abandonment and now it happens again and again and again (with her, her friends, her parents and family... .). For the past few months I have been thinking: "Won't there be a point where, instead of a recent memory, I will become a distant memory to her? One that makes her feel indifferent? And, isn't this a point of no return?" which really sparked my fears. I would like to fix this, but I do not know how to if I am being ignored... .