why do some BPD exs have longer relationships with others then you?

[Confused108]

We all know that ppl who suffer from BPD circle the drain with their exs after they dump us or go out looking for new blood replacements after us. My question is why do some of them have very long relationships with others and with some short ones ex. Months? My ex was married for 4 years together 5. Then she went on to have boyfriends of 2 yo  1 1/2 years. With me it was 2 months. I to my knowledge was the shortest one she had and was her first love as teens and went into a mental hospital after my Mother broke us up. Anyone else experience being the shortest relationship with their ex BPD?

[Grissum69]

I want to say it's not about the length of the relationship but the quality is what matters...   most aren't that great from what I am hearing.  my xp was little over a year.

[steelwork]

I feel like this is just generally true: some relationships are longer than others. For everyone, BPD or no.

[Infern0]

There can be many reasons.

Some partners may not be as triggering, different times mean different stress levels etc, some may be more tolerant of the disorder while some might not.

Many reasons, rarely does it correlate with how "good" the person is

[Confused108]

Could be true. I just feel that with me my ex after like 2 weeks went into her dramatics. But if she was with others for longer periods of time she obviously was acting different with them . And did not end it with a shorter time period them myself. I feel that does say something.

[Confused108]

There can be many reasons.

Some partners may not be as triggering, different times mean different stress levels etc, some may be more tolerant of the disorder while some might not.

Many reasons, rarely does it correlate with how "good" the person is

i agree Inferno. She did tell me she never got over me and had to bury me to put out the fire as she called it. When she contacted me she wanted to talk about what my mother did to her and how she died after she lost me. So now I did realize it was our painful past that she can't handle even though I loved her and wanted to be with her.

[tryingsome]

I think it is a lot of different reasons.

Your case it might because you didn't have sex?

I think that creates a strong bond with them.

I think it is mostly how much good you reflect.

They are like a mirrors in the beginning.

People who don't take abuse probably don't last as long.

People who are too squeamish probably don't last as long.

It is probably some weird ideal vision of a relationship they have in their head.

The closer you are to that ideal the longer it will last.

The longer you stay close to that ideal the longer it will last.

That ideal has nothing to do with you as a person though.

It's neither a good or bad thing. It's a fairy tale.

[Confused108]

Correct. We never had sex. I know she told me that she would just meet the person first time and have sex with them. Then she told me she didn't like sleeping with any of her exs. How much is truth ? Who knows. I do remember her sending me a text at 430 am. Telling me she does love me but she is afraid to commit because she is reminded of when she did that in the past. So I am assuming when we dated as teens. Then enter my Mother breaking us up and her going into a mental hospital. She never was the same person after that. Ever.

[tryingsome]

Honestly, I wouldn't worry about any of it.

You are you and that should be enough.

I have also learned to take anything that a pwBPD says about their past and their past relationships with a grain of salt.

Anything that compares you to another person take with a grain of salt (either extreme good or extreme evil).

Basically anything that can be construed as a judgment call, I would not put too much faith in what a pwBPD says.

We once (with other friends) did a round of what is your biggest pet peeve in people.

Her's were people who judge.

She would say anything to be on the good side of a verdict.

So don't put too much faith in all that false intimacy stuff. It usually isn't very real.

Just my two cents. Hope I didn't offend.

[Confused108]

Man did we date the same woman? Lol! Mine said the same garbage. Oh I don't judge. Lol! I don't believe a word outta her mouth. I  have caught her in so many lies it would make Pinaccio tell the truth. I strongly feel that these BPDs are like chameleons. They become anything you want them to be. Mirroring I think it's called. Crazy!

[tryingsome]

It is actually quite sad.

I have some compassion for it.

Their need to always look good in other people's eyes.

I could imagine that is a very heavy suit of armor they wear.

[neverloveagain]

It's all in the mix I lasted 10 years with my exBPDgf her crazy matched my level of codependent "crazy". People pleasers will go a long way with them till they have trampled you completely then it's game over when there's no boundaries to cross check mate.

[Confused108]

It is actually quite sad.

I have some compassion for it.

Their need to always look good in other people's eyes.

I could imagine that is a very heavy suit of armor they wear.

I do t tho k it's so sad when they play with other people's minds. Don't get me wrong I loved my ex. I hate what has happened to her. I would give my left arm to take it away from her. But in the same sense  I feel they know what they do. They know the pain they cause. They should be held accountable for their actions. Mine ripped out my heart  twice. She won't ever get another chance again.

[tryingsome]

I do t tho k it's so sad when they play with other people's minds. Don't get me wrong I loved my ex. I hate what has happened to her. I would give my left arm to take it away from her. But in the same sense  I feel they know what they do. They know the pain they cause. They should be held accountable for their actions. Mine ripped out my heart  twice. She won't ever get another chance again.

It is quite sad as they are fully aware of the pain they cause they just can't stop their behavior.

My BPD had a lot of remorse, but she couldn't help in testing those boundaries.

There is a lot of information out there about subselves or multiple selves/aspects of one's personality.

Some of these are quite harmful and once enmeshed are quite difficult to shake loose.

Even us non's have various selves which guide us through life; some good some bad.

The idea of being held accountable though plays on that feeling that they are being judged.

It probably slowly came across subconsciously toward her.

Our behavior affects their behavior. BPDs are more or less amplifiers of what we give off. This is a sad notion.

It takes a while to heal your ripped out heart.

Tend to it. Vent the pain, we are all hear to listen.

This might all just be life lessons. The length of the relationship might have to do how much we are meant to know about ourselves.

It was a journey to know our weakness, we just haven't discovered it yet.

I don't know, that sounds philosophical though.

[Lexisdad]

Confused,

I totally agree with you ripping our hearts to shreds. My BPD exgf is still after 7 weeks texting me daily. There will be no chance to shred my heart again. I knew she had BPD and pit up with almost 6 years of the craziness. I still go out and get her an engagement ring and she tells me i can't be in a relationship with you. Ok you got it but you still need that lifeline to text me everyday. The things i put up with and still was willing to take the chance of marrying her. I'm on my way to healing and yes it sucks but she made me realize that these people are really mentally ill.

[Rmbrworst]

My exBPD kept going back to his on and off relationship of 5 years.  The reason?

Security.  They have a home together and his partner is wildly co dependant.  My exBPDs partner says "He loves him too much to let him go no matter how bad he acts."

Let me say this.  I can't speak for every BPD person, but my exBPD went back to a relationship that's been on the out for years.  They haven't been physically intimate in 4 years and they've been engaged for 5 years.

Engaged for 5 years?  Lol

If you haven't gotten married after 5 years you never will.

Hope they're having fun in their fantasy world, because that's what it is.  A fantasy.

Be happy you get to live in reality.   I am not envious of his ex.  Not one bit.

[Herodias]

"It's all in the mix I lasted 10 years with my exBPDgf her crazy matched my level of codependent "crazy". People pleasers will go a long way with them till they have trampled you completely then it's game over when there's no boundaries to cross check mate."        I totally agree! For mine, I think it was money, lifestyle and how long I put up with it.

[Confused108]

We all know each BPD is different. Each relationship.  Some try and circle back (recycle) some don't. With my ex the warning signs were there. After the fog lifted and I was left in shock after she ended the relationship. Now my ex had done this a few times in the 2 months we were somewhat involved with each other. For example in not interested anymore. I can't do this anymore. I just want to be by myself etc. Rhen when she ended things thru an email no less she said she never really walked away from me until now. I had no idea about BPD. So now looking back I now know she was "testing" me with all that nonsense to see what I was going to do. Then another thing she mentioned was how she was in contact with her ex husband. Her ex boyfriend, a guy she had fly up to her and spend 10 days of having sex. Which she told me she had to get drunk bc she couldn't tolerate him. All circling the drain. Now I know what that means too. Recycle . I now see how she was recycling all these exs. But I. Regards to recycling my way? I doubt it. And if she k owns what's good for herself  she won't.

[GreenEyedMonster]

My ex had one relationship that was longer than mine, but it was long-distance, and therefore masked a lot of his selfish tendencies.

My ex loved to talk on instant messenger.  That was the easy and fun part of the relationship for him.

When it came to things like inviting me to his events, after parties, trips, performances, etc. -- he just didn't.

The ex in a different region of the country couldn't be upset about that because she was too far away for it to factor in.

With any relationship, some people will pick up on the BPD tendencies faster than others, or make an issue of it faster than others. 

Personally, I wouldn't envy someone who is more codependent than you or willing to take more abuse.  That's not necessarily a sign of success.

[blackbirdsong]

Too me the general concept of this question, stated in the topic title, obstructs our healing.

This is also something that I did, even do this still sometimes, during my recovery... .

We are wondering what did I do? Comparing our efforts with someone's. This is not helping. But I understand the mechanism. I know it. I feel like I invented this stupid question.

I would say that there could be different reasons: level of stressors in BPD person's environment, codependency level of non-BPD, relationship properties - e.g. how much of free time did they have in this period considering job obligations etc... .

[woofbarkmeowbeep]

I think it's really just akin to 'normal' relationships. Some last longer. Some shorter. For all different reasons. My situation also lasted around 2 months. It was extremely intense in the way we came together, and very intense in the way we separated. There were all sorts of contextual things that played into it - she was separating with the baby daddy, she came to visit me in another country, she begged me to come stay with her, I ended up coming to her country, and then she had sex with the ex, and a week later dumped me... Twas all very overwhelming, even for me. So I can't imagine how it was for her.

But yeah, I'm sure the cycle of idealise, devalue and discard would have lasted longer had these particular situational factors not been a part of it.

I am also quite sure I am the shortest relationship she has had too... and this is also on the back of a 10 year build up where we would talk on and off on email and skype etc (we met and dated 10 years ago too but hadn't met in person again until Dec last year).

[JaneStorm]

My BPDex was with a bipolar chick for 10 years. 

She has been committed, chased him with a knife (before he moved her in with him and his children), she shut down and stayed in bed for weeks, did not engage with him, did not contribute to the finances, did not interact with his kids or his remaining family... .this is what fed his superiority complex. The longest r/s out of his 52 years of life!

I knew this would be an issue in our r/s. That is a long time of mutual dysfunction and sickness.

He found me; a forward thinking, evolutionary moving, attractive, introverted, (codependent/hero complexed) career minded woman.

Of course, it won't last. He is trapped in the tween of "A New Way" and the "Easy Way". I was trapped, thinking I mattered in that mess.

I knew I was not going to last.  

I still wasted so much time, energy, self-respect, and logic... .