I left her, she just sent this message, and I'm confused now-please help

[Wantingtochange]

My back story is listed in a thread "I left her and she doesn't care"... .https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=289376.0

Long story short, I left her about a month ago. She wanted to maintain a friendship to which I agreed to and looking back in the first two weeks I was sending mixed signals (I didn't realize it at the time). The first two weeks were mutual as far as contact. Then over the last two weeks she pulled back to no contact except to "sometimes" reply back to me. So a couple of days ago I sent her a message saying I feel you've pulled back on the friendship and I'll respect that. I'm not mad, upset, or blaming you for all our problems. This relationship has showed me many areas in my life I need to work on. If you want to maintain the friendship you can always call. I'll always love you so if not I wish you the best. You get the idea. Since I sent that message I have gone N/C

So I just received the following message and I'm trying to understand how things have radically changed in our dynamics, and her message. To be clear my intention was and is not to go back into the relationship even if that was an option. I was going to support her as a friend as she continues through her DBT.

Here it goes... .

"This has taken a while because I have been going non stop (Since our split) and two, because I had to think about what you said. I know I have pulled away, I don't think I wanted things to go the way they were going. And to be completely honest, I have never felt so settled in my mind and at peace with myself until now.

I feel like the triangle has been broken (Me, her, her ex) and my life is my life. I don't understand a lot of decisions and choices you made, I couldn't figure out what you wanted, we hit a wall, we became very stagnant, and you seemed to have lost interest in everything. Now I could be wrong, it's just how I was reading it. It came down to a feeling.

It was like there was nothing I could do to make you happy, I believe that this was on me because of out history (She cheated and left me going back to her ex numerous times) there was just too much pain that I gave you. I thought we could move forward and make this work but there was no healing happening. I'm not saying I didn't love you, I did. I saw someone else in you, someone completely different (I started enforcing some of my boundaries and sticking up for myself).

I do not feel as toxic as I did for years, in this short time I figured out how to breathe and I have done a lot of letting go and moving on. Nothing was going to happen if I didn't jump in with eyes closed and faith in what was meant to be.

I'm not going to say I hope things come together for you, you will make things happen for yourself. I think your back where you wanted to be all along (I moved and relocated back home when we split). I know you couldn't see love in my eyes anymore and to be honest I lost that look from you as well. I saw disappointment in your eyes and that was something I couldn't change even when I was trying. The fantasy of us able to be a family and moving forward to our own lives just didn't and I don't think it ever was going to play out.

I'm not going to be anyone's disappointment again. I hope you can change to what you want to be and find what it is your supposed to do.

I'm not mad or upset or anything. We both made a lot of mistakes and a few bad judgement calls.I except my part in the relationship which was a lot so please don't think I'm not accepting that.

Like I said I could see the change in you that I was just getting uncomfortable with but there is no need to get into any of that. I had a great run while it lasted and there were so many laughs and good times spent. you showed me so many things that I would have never seen or done, I thank you for that.

There was something there at one time and that is what makes me sad. Find forgiveness and peace in your heart... .let go. I will always love and have a piece of your heart with me. I have learned a lot in the past few months, some negative, some positive. It's about time I take responsibility for myself and know that I can do this. Thank you for your kind words and the encouragement along the way."

Please help me understand all this.

Thank you.

[steelwork]

What are the lingering questions for you? Sorry if the answer is obvious... .

[Wantingtochange]

Steelwork,

A valid question. I know and understand she has her own thoughts, feelings, and opinions. For too lone I had watched and been a part of those very thoughts, feelings, and opinions constantly change. I don't not agree with many of the things she said, her thoughts on the decline and demise of the relationship. I left because simply I broke. I couldn't not take anything else. I was loosing it because it was just bad.

She made it very clear she did not want me out of her life. She came to me and said she wanted a friendship. Yet with the drastic changes she is making (I honestly support her efforts she making in her life), and this message she sent, I feel like I'm being cast out. I understand I ended the relationship, I had to. But it still feels that since shes making all these changes that I'm being thrown away (Friendship). The last couple of day's I've been pouring myself into all the reading, journaling, and self reflection as possible. I was just starting to see the beginning of the path I need to take and for the first time feeling life though it may take a long time, that I can and will heal from this.

Yet this message, for reasons I do not yet understand, makes me feel like the broken one being cast out. Life is good for her and I'm at rock bottom.

It hurts in such an awful way how easily she seems to be over it. It hurts in such an awful way how I feel like I did not matter as much as she did to me.

It hurts because I gave so much of myself (I now know this is unhealthy) that I broke.

It hurts and makes me angry how everything just fell into place for her (job's finances, and a home) and I left with out any of that and am starting at rock bottom.

I have no idea if I'm articulating my thoughts and feelings well but I now feel like I've been hit by a truck... .again.

And I do not understand why

[steelwork]

Okay, thanks for clarifying, Wantingtochange. I totally relate. I too thought there would be a friendship in the wake of the romance. In fact, I was asked to PROMISE there would be, even two days before he made it clear he didn't want one. It's so confusing.

Looking back I see that I have maintained loving friendships with exes (not all but some), whereas he has not. I think it was something he hoped he'd be able to do, but in the end he doesn't have that capacity. That might be the case with your ex as well.



[quote author=Wantingtochange link=topic=289706.msg12726016#msg12726016

"This has taken a while because I have been going non stop (Since our split) and two, because I had to think about what you said. I know I have pulled away, I don't think I wanted things to go the way they were going. And to be completely honest, I have never felt so settled in my mind and at peace with myself until now.



I feel like the triangle has been broken (Me, her, her ex) and my life is my life. I don't understand a lot of decisions and choices you made, I couldn't figure out what you wanted, we hit a wall, we became very stagnant, and you seemed to have lost interest in everything. Now I could be wrong, it's just how I was reading it. It came down to a feeling.

It was like there was nothing I could do to make you happy, I believe that this was on me because of out history (She cheated and left me going back to her ex numerous times) there was just too much pain that I gave you. I thought we could move forward and make this work but there was no healing happening. I'm not saying I didn't love you, I did. I saw someone else in you, someone completely different (I started enforcing some of my boundaries and sticking up for myself). [/quote]
Yes, this is the language of someone who is making a gesture at accepting responsibility for some of what happened (her affairs) but then really not. Very frustrating and sad, and it's her "more in sorrow than in anger" tone that probably makes it especially hard to read--is she gaslighting you or herself? Do we all need to do that to survive truths we can't face? Will she face the truth sometime? Will you one day be friends?

These are all qs I've asked myself a million times. What it means, it seems to me, is that she doesn't have the capacity to accept your friendship.

And she is tone deaf. She doesn't understand or care how hurtful it is to you to make it seem like getting out of your relationship was the key to starting her own healing journey.

Who knows... .maybe it was? But it's not necessary to say so.

[quote author=Wantingtochange link=topic=289706.msg12726016#msg12726016


I'm not going to be anyone's disappointment again. I hope you can change to what you want to be and find what it is your supposed to do.

I'm not mad or upset or anything. We both made a lot of mistakes and a few bad judgement calls.I except my part in the relationship which was a lot so please don't think I'm not accepting that.


Like I said I could see the change in you that I was just getting uncomfortable with but there is no need to get into any of that. I had a great run while it lasted and there were so many laughs and good times spent. you showed me so many things that I would have never seen or done, I thank you for that.[/quote]
I think this is her way of saying, "I don't like who I was when I was with you." So I guess she imagines she will become a better person without you.

It's another way of saying she knows she needs to change. Maybe read it that way and try to take yourself out of the equation? Hard to do that when she's implicating you.

[quote author=Wantingtochange link=topic=289706.msg12726016#msg12726016


There was something there at one time and that is what makes me sad. Find forgiveness and peace in your heart... .let go. I will always love and have a piece of your heart with me. I have learned a lot in the past few months, some negative, some positive. It's about time I take responsibility for myself and know that I can do this. Thank you for your kind words and the encouragement along the way."[/quote]
She wants to release you with love. She doesn't have the capacity for friendship. At least not now.

That's my take.

Be good to yourself. Be proud that she loves you.

[steelwork]

It hurts and makes me angry how everything just fell into place for her (job's finances, and a home) and I left with out any of that and am starting at rock bottom.

And I do not understand why

This makes a lot of sense.

FWIW, as others have said, appearances and self-report may be deceiving.

You feel you are at rock bottom. I was there a year ago. I'm still in rough shape, but I've learned so much more about myself in the process of getting my sh*t somewhat together. The things I'm learning (still) have less and less to do with my ex every day. Hypothetically speaking, you can be totally blameless in this, the whole thing can be senseless, and you can still come out stronger for it.

[steelwork]

oops sorry for double post

[Wantingtochange]

Steelwork... .Thank you very much for the insight. Just reading that has helped me to go from tears to at the starting of understanding what I'm feeling from this.

It so crazy, unhealthy, and dysfunctional, yet I still miss her.

I know on an intellectual level that leaving was best for me. I know that I have so much work ahead of me now but I'm just happy I've made it this far. Emotionally, I feel broken and I cannot make sense of much more then that.

I know its not very rational but this message from her triggered yet again, that me leaving her is actually a good thing for her. She definitely is riding that wave. All the great things that are happening in her life now are all things we worked for during the relationship. The only difference is she's adapted these things for her life now, which I completely understand. But for a week now she's come off as I was holding her back, her happiness, her future. What?

I had to nudge her with great effort to get into DBT and stay in it. I had to nudge her to get into court for her soon to be ex-husband order of protection, child visitation schedule, and starting the actual divorce. I had to nudge her to get her children into therapy from the years of abuse and one of them ending up being diagnosed bipolar. I could keep going but I think you get the idea.

She now doesn't feel toxic. I'm sorry but I wanted to beat my head on the table there. I understand that our relationship had become toxic but to imply that's on me and by me leaving she's magically happy... .

She says she's at peace now. I gave my all to the point I broke. I was constantly changing everything and trying to adapt to meet her ever changing wants, needs, desires, and whatever the chaos of the day was.

Even though she is a higher functioning pwBPD I ended up in a caretaker role. I find it very unfair for her not to recognize this, to not recognize how devastating it was for me to just try and keep up on a daily level just to understand what was even happening.

How could being in that position not change me, effect me, drain me, and break me as a person. Then to read that because of what ever changes she saw was toxic. Was making her unhappy. And by letting me go she's a much happier person now.

I still can't wrap my head around any of this other then I feel like to got hit with a bat.

And yet I still miss her... .

[steelwork]

I'm sorry I keep answering this post over and over, maybe just talking to myself.

Reading her message another, simpler way: she is trying to "win back" the breakup. She's trying to do this while still releasing you with love. She can't be friends, even if that's what she wants. She doesn't like having been your disappointment. She's in a situation now where for the time being she doesn't feel like a disappointment. She'll enjoy that while it lasts.

She wants the last word. Let her have it is my advice. Hard advice to follow, but I've done it and so can you.

[Wantingtochange]

Steelwork,

Please do not apologize, I'm listening to every word and am truly greatful. You confirmed something that at a deep level inside me, I was feeling. I still can't wrap my head around it and articulate it but the "winning back the break up".

I'm trying to process that but I feel like this is spot on... .

[steelwork]

[quote author=Wantingtochange link=topic=289706.msg12726088#msg12726088

I had to nudge her with great effort to get into DBT and stay in it. I had to nudge her to get into court for her soon to be ex-husband order of protection, child visitation schedule, and starting the actual divorce. I had to nudge her to get her children into therapy from the years of abuse and one of them ending up being diagnosed bipolar. I could keep going but I think you get the idea.[/quote]
I get this, totally. My ex said something to the effect of "It was hard work getting over my divorce" (r/s before me), but I did it. I deserve what I have now (r/s after me)". I was like, oh hell no. I carried you from one place to the other. All that "hard work" you did was at my expense.

[Wantingtochange]

[quote author=Wantingtochange link=topic=289706.msg12726088#msg12726088

I had to nudge her with great effort to get into DBT and stay in it. I had to nudge her to get into court for her soon to be ex-husband order of protection, child visitation schedule, and starting the actual divorce. I had to nudge her to get her children into therapy from the years of abuse and one of them ending up being diagnosed bipolar. I could keep going but I think you get the idea.

I get this, totally. My ex said something to the effect of "It was hard work getting over my divorce" (r/s before me), but I did it. I deserve what I have now (r/s after me)". I was like, oh hell no. I carried you from one place to the other. All that "hard work" you did was at my expense

YES! Thank you for articulating this point for me! I'm with you though I wont say it to her... ."Oh hell no!" I carried her everytime she feel apart and the daily crisis of the year was happening... .and I'm to blame for your unhappiness?[/quote]

[Penelope35]

Hi everyone. I totally aggree she is trying to "win back  the break up". Another thing i have learned and witnessed about people with BPD is that they will create their own realities/scenarios/excuses around a story,  as long as the conclusion they come up with doesn't hurt as much. And this is what I think your ex seems to be doing at this point...

[disorderedsociety]

Wow OP its great you at least got an explanation of sorts. The email I got basically said, "sorry for my bad behavior, the past is the past though, take care." Ha!

[Wantingtochange]

Wow OP its great you at least got an explanation of sorts. The email I got basically said, "sorry for my bad behavior, the past is the past though, take care." Ha!

This is the only time I've gotten one so I look at it as growth on her part. I do see some small improvement in her since beginning DBT. We have dated on and off for 6 years and lost count on how many times she cheated and left me without a word, explanation, or anything. Walked out the door like a ghost. I didn't expect any response from her honestly.

[Wantingtochange]

Hi everyone. I totally aggree she is trying to "win back  the break up". Another thing i have learned and witnessed about people with BPD is that they will create their own realities/scenarios/excuses around a story,  as long as the conclusion they come up with doesn't hurt as much. And this is what I think your ex seems to be doing at this point...

This makes total sense. It seems as if she's not given any credit to work that we did together during the relationship to get her to this point. She is reaping that fruit now. Yet she seems to forget my role in all of it and now remembers it differently, and now is happy.

[disorderedsociety]

Hi everyone. I totally aggree she is trying to "win back  the break up". Another thing i have learned and witnessed about people with BPD is that they will create their own realities/scenarios/excuses around a story,  as long as the conclusion they come up with doesn't hurt as much. And this is what I think your ex seems to be doing at this point...

This makes total sense. It seems as if she's not given any credit to work that we did together during the relationship to get her to this point. She is reaping that fruit now. Yet she seems to forget my role in all of it and now remembers it differently, and now is happy.

What everyone usually says is that the cycle repeats. Mine didn't enter DBT as far as I know but who knows? Her email still sounded really codependent.

[Wantingtochange]

Disorderedsoc... .

She has always come back but this time it's a total opposite of all the other times. She was ALWAYS the one who left and after a very long time popped up out of know where and I would always take her back but she would always leave again before we really got a chance to try.

This time we gave it our all and this is the time that I got her into DBT. But during this time it broke me as a person and I left. It felt necessary for my survival, literally.

And since I left she wanted a friendship this time which she's NEVR done in the past. And as time went on and I starting relaxing my boundaries (Denial and bargaining) she pulled the friendship plug

So this time I'm really not sure If she'll ever contact me again. Honestly as much as part of me still wants her to, I want to be alone and focus on myself. I am realizing there is so much work I need to do on myself. I am still immensely struggling to process or make any sense of any of this still.

How are you seeing it still as co-dependent? I have been focusing on myself this last week starting to understand that I am co-dependent and what this means for me.

[disorderedsociety]

Disorderedsoc... .

She has always come back but this time it's a total opposite of all the other times. She was ALWAYS the one who left and after a very long time popped up out of know where and I would always take her back but she would always leave again before we really got a chance to try.

This time we gave it our all and this is the time that I got her into DBT. But during this time it broke me as a person and I left. It felt necessary for my survival, literally.

And since I left she wanted a friendship this time which she's NEVR done in the past. And as time went on and I starting relaxing my boundaries (Denial and bargaining) she pulled the friendship plug

So this time I'm really not sure If she'll ever contact me again. Honestly as much as part of me still wants her to, I want to be alone and focus on myself. I am realizing there is so much work I need to do on myself. I am still immensely struggling to process or make any sense of any of this still.

How are you seeing it still as co-dependent? I have been focusing on myself this last week starting to understand that I am co-dependent and what this means for me.

I might have worded that incorrectly. I was referring to my ex's email which was much less detailed and gave the feeling of putting up a wall of not actually saying anything (trying to control the perception) which is a codependent behavior.

Codependency runs rampant in even the most "normal" of families and a certain degree is a springboard upon which we build relationships but it can easily be pathological in people who have experienced trauma growing up such as abandonment.

Check out Codependent No More by Melody Beattie, you can read it with a free trial from Scribd. 

[Infern0]

Been there done that with my ex.

She's telling you she's happy now, I'd lay odds on that within a few months she's back in the pit and trying to reach out to you for support

In short don't believe everything they tell you, these people change with the seasons