how to tell my BF I want to break up?

[Isa_lala]

Hi all

I did post a similar question a few weeks/months ago but I am getting much closer to the break up point.

here is my concern and question:

Hello

Here is a brief summary of my situation: in relationship with a non-diagnosed BPD BF for the last 3 and half years. I have an 8 year-old child and he has a 9 year-old one. We moved in together 3 months ago (worse decision I have ever made during my RS) and I am ready to break up for good. I recently realized (finally…) that my BF will never change and that I cannot keep putting all my energy on hoping that he changes.

Here is my game plan: rent a furnished room somewhere on a temporary basis for my son and myself, and when everything is ready, I tell my BF that I want to break up. Why? Because my BF can be very aggressive when getting upset and his huge fear of abandonment may make him very upset so very aggressive.

BUT: I feel very guilty to put him before the fait accompli. I would prefer at least to let him know how I feel before running away…... and I don’t know what to say.

I know that I must not blame him because the discussion will end before it starts, so I could tell that I realize that he was right, we are too different and I am not the right person for him. Or do I say that I am not happy anymore in this relationship and this is not because of him? (he may feel rejected for what he is)

Am I right to prepare my escape this way without giving me any clue of where I am in my head?

thank you for your comments/advice

[fromheeltoheal]

Hey Isa-

The focus should be on the health and well being of you and your son, whatever it takes to make that happen.  If you fear your safety because he gets 'very aggressive' when he fears abandonment, then don't let him fear it, or experience it, until you're somewhere safe.

Selfishness gets a bad rap, but really, if we don't take care of ourselves first, we have nothing to give, yes?  Time to get really selfish, take care of yourself and your son, and with some time and distance your perception of him and the relationship will change.  If you feel like you need to apologize for something then, because it's the right thing to do for you, then you can do that, but the dysfunction escalates towards the end of these relationships and you may not be in the best place to make decisions like that right now.  Take care of you!

[Isa_lala]

Thank you for your answer

you know, a few minutes earlier, my BF, in a angry mood again, told me that I am being very cold and distant with him and that if I don't want to be with him anymore, I should tell him so. However, I don't want to tell him that, not knowing how he will react. Being just me, I would have the discussion and would leave the house if too hot, but with my son, it is more difficult.

my instinct is probably the one to follow even if I feel a fool to do this this way... .

but how it feels bad to not tell him the truth and to be phony ... .

[pfeiffj1]

There is nothing wrong with being a phony in this case.  Use the George Castanza method of "it is not you it is me".  Think safety first and do not provoke a fight. Do not be a right fighter. You cannot logical find sense in nonsense.  A borderline is not going to understand a logical argument.

[fromheeltoheal]

Thank you for your answer

you know, a few minutes earlier, my BF, in a angry mood again, told me that I am being very cold and distant with him and that if I don't want to be with him anymore, I should tell him so. However, I don't want to tell him that, not knowing how he will react. Being just me, I would have the discussion and would leave the house if too hot, but with my son, it is more difficult.

my instinct is probably the one to follow even if I feel a fool to do this this way... .

but how it feels bad to not tell him the truth and to be phony ... .

but how it feels bad to not tell him the truth and to be phony ... .

I understand Isa.  You might ask yourself how has telling him the truth worked in the past in the relationship?  And if telling the truth will make it worse for you and your son, is that the best course right now?  It is also possible to do what you need to do to protect your son and yourself, with the intent of telling him why you did what you did later, in writing or whatever, if that's the thing that is preventing you from doing what your instinct is telling you is right; that's not phony, it's self preservation in the face of mental illness where you don't feel safe.

[Isa_lala]

Thank you to both of you for cheering me up. It makes me feel a little bit better.

No, discussions with my BF turned always bad... .By him sending back to me what I could tell him, as if I was the person responsible of his behaviours... .

The "it's not you, it's me" could work but I really have to be careful and not tell him anything that could make him rejected for what he is... .

But he felled more and more that I am not anymore in the relationship ... .Makes things difficult. I would need to explain why I am not anymore into it, but cannot for the moment... .Walking on eggshells more than ever... .

[Isa_lala]

I feel depressed because it is overwhelming and now I feel anxious

I started to make calls to find a safe place to go

My BF keeps asking me what is going on with me and when I start saying the truth(just a little) he freaks out, refuses to continue the conversation and accuses me of a lot of things

It becomes very urgent for me to get out of the house as I cannot remain silent any longer

[fromheeltoheal]

It becomes very urgent for me to get out of the house as I cannot remain silent any longer

Well there you go then; urgency is a great motivator.  I wasn't in your situation Isa but a lot of women here were, and will have some good advice for you, although in the end the focus should remain what is best for you and your son, however that plays out.  Take care of you!

[Isa_lala]

thank you again for your input

this morning, I remembered something that could be useful in me not feeling too guilty with our 2 little guys: my BF left the mother of his son when this one was only 2 and a half years old. He did it because he couldn't bear to live with this woman he was not loving (hi son was an "accident". So he rented an apartment on his own without  saying anything to the mother and when he was ready to move out, he told her. Of course, he was not il love with her, but bottom line, he thought of his well-being and not to his son's. Because, if he had, he wouldn't have put his young child in this situation, being one week with his father only and the other week with his older sister and his mother... .

So I will think of me before thinking to anybody else... .like he did.

I will prepare my way out and will speak to him when I have a safe place for my son and me.

[Isa_lala]

Hello to all

I may leave the house this week. I have waited because I had to find a place to stay but I have not found any and I don't see myself staying in this situation much longer

My BF feels that I am getting away in my mind and of course feels anger so living together is not doable

I think of staying at a friend's place for a little while and I may do it in 2 or 3 days

I am so stressed with the situation with all the things I don't say. It takes away my energy from me

I am so sad

[fromheeltoheal]

I am so sad

I'm sorry you're going through that Isa, it is very difficult and painful.  There are lots of folks on these boards who have been through what you're in the middle of; use them as a resource.  Me, I just left, but I don't have a child.  Urgency is a good motivator and congratulations in advance for improving your and your kid's lives!  Best to focus on the goal and put one foot in front of the other, one day at a time, and the sadness will pass once you're out and as things get better.  Take care of you!

[naguma]

Anyone else getting a sense that this is a case of projection?

3 months after moving in and she needs to get away. She is so sad. etc.

3 months after moving in with a BPD most people are on one of the highest highs (except when the BPD is pushing away due to abandonment fears). It is the BPD who is miserable. People not affected by BPD tactics don't even make it to the move in stage. 99% of people are in addiction mode at this point if they are with a BPD, they may be momentarily miserable - but not long term.

[fromheeltoheal]

Anyone else getting a sense that this is a case of projection?

3 months after moving in and she needs to get away. She is so sad. etc.

3 months after moving in with a BPD most people are on one of the highest highs (except when the BPD is pushing away due to abandonment fears). It is the BPD who is miserable. People not affected by BPD tactics don't even make it to the move in stage. 99% of people are in addiction mode at this point if they are with a BPD, they may be momentarily miserable - but not long term.

Try and speak directly to the person who started the thread naguma, we're all here to support one another constructively.  And there are no rules in relationships with borderlines, everyone's different although there are enough similarities to bring us together.

[Isa_lala]

Naguma, no one said that my BF is not feeling sad as well. I am not the only one in this r/s, we are 2 + our 2 kids.

I need to be cheered up because I am going trhu a very difficult time, more difficult than any of what I experienced in the last 3 years with my BF. Because I feel very miserable to run away from him, sad that all what I tried did not work, sad because I realize that I have been always wrong as he will never change and as he is probably not the right person for me despite  all of my hopes with him... .

it doesn't change how he feels, but we are talking about me here, sorry if you don't like it.