She has laid out her plan to end the marriage or get my submission

[formflier]

So, we had a reasonable discussion for a while this morning.  Daughter is sick over at her parents house, sort of in quarantine.  When I wanted to care for the girls today, things went off the rails.

I said I would like to care for the girls (D5 and D2) today as my plan for the day didn't include any power tools or other work that would interfere with care, plus it would keep them away from sick daughter (d10).

She said she would not allow me to care for kids because I have not been listening to her and I'm acting the way I did before social services removed me from the home a couple years ago.  (her version of story)  What actually happened was a voluntary agreement was signed where I lived with my parents and we were required to "comply" with our counselors.  I had a place to go (my parents) she had no other place to go live.  It would have been unreasonable for her to go to my parents.

She also coached kids on what to say, I have that recorded. 

My guess is that she really has never gotten over that "betrayal" and is now going to get even.  I was the one that turned her into social services for spanking the kids in an out of control way.  The investigation was unfounded.  In that state if you don't leave marks the law doesn't allow anything to be done about spanking.

OK, enough of the past.

The basic mousetrap that she has built, and I used to fall for it, is that if I don't "listen" to her, that proves that my PTSD has come back or the problem is mine.  Therefore since I have the problem she gets to make all the decisions and doesn't have to compromise.

Well, she told me that the only reason I wanted to care for the girls was to "provide for their daily needs", that she had the same information I had and "it wasn't going to work".

In other words, she is saying she has been to lawyer and is going to be able to prove she is primary caregiver and not me.

Note:  I know the score, for most of their lives my wife has been the primary caregiver. 

She does say she wants to go to counseling, but it is to "fix" me,   and to get me to "listen" to her (comply).

We have been in and out of counseling for the past 5 years or so, the basic claim is that I have been acting like a dictator and she is no longer going to put up with it.  In other words, she gets to be the dictator now.

My guess is my best course of action is to lay low and not add fuel to the fire until we are in counseling office.  Likely weeks away. 

Note:  She told me all of this is a fairly calm, regulated manner today.  I'm open to suggestions.

FF

[Daniell85]

I am sorry you find yourself on this side of the board    You sound like you are immensely patient. From what I myself see, your wife has probably been setting up this situation for quite some time. She was the one who wanted to move close to her folks. Who are willing to step in on child care while she works.

She sounds full of intention.

I am guessing you are on the right track in terms of laying low in order to get the counseling and hopefully she will get a reality check from the counseling.

[Grey Kitty]

Suggestion #1:  give up on counseling as a process that will change your wife's mind on anything of significance.

She is only interested in making the case that you are in the wrong and forcing your compliance with the counselor behind her.

Odds are that won't go the way she wants... .but she isn't open to self examination or changing her behavior and having a bad counselor teaming up with you against her (Her POV) won't influence that... .if she even goes.

[SamwizeGamgee]

I can't advise what to do, but, it sounds like you are getting hurt in what's going on.  It sounds to me like she is using the kids.  Typical of abusive people - they use people like furniture to support them, or tokens to get what they want. 

You are planning to lay low.  I'd say follow your gut on what to do, and most of all I'd say talk to the counselor alone.  Or, find one you can talk to on your own.  There's more at play than just who takes care of the kids.  Get to where you feel ready for what's happening.

[Grey Kitty]

You already know the tools for dealing with your wife... .boundaries... .avoiding invalidation... .you have worked on and got better at validation... .keep at it  

Her FOO sounds like a toxic influence, but there isn't much you can do about it.

Line up your supporters... .like your parents... .I would advise you try not to have them getting in the middle of a conflict or dealing with your wife or her FOO. Doesn't seem likely to have good outcomes.

You are already documenting things.

Have you visited with a lawyer yet?

If you haven't yet, post on the legal board here. Your wife sounds likely to be high conflict in a divorce/custody battle, and that is something you can plan for here. Those very pragmatic members can also help you find the kind of lawyer that is up to the job... .

Lastly... .I'm really sorry to hear things are escalating this way for you.   it is small comfort, but veiled threats about lawyers are different than legal actions. You haven't been served papers yet.

[flourdust]

Well, she told me that the only reason I wanted to care for the girls was to "provide for their daily needs", that she had the same information I had and "it wasn't going to work".

In other words, she is saying she has been to lawyer and is going to be able to prove she is primary caregiver and not me.

Did she actually say that she's been to a lawyer, and did she describe a plan to end the marriage? It's not really clear from your description of the conversation. The conflict does seem to be escalating -- but be careful about assuming intent or actions that are unspoken.

[formflier]

Did she actually say that she's been to a lawyer, and did she describe a plan to end the marriage? It's not really clear from your description of the conversation. The conflict does seem to be escalating -- but be careful about assuming intent or actions that are unspoken.

She did not say that directly.

I have visited a lawyer.  The lawyer said in this state custody is decided by who provides their "daily care" (exact words).

Those were the exact words she used today.  She then said "you and I both know this and have the same information, I know what you are doing"

So, that is what I base on that she has visited a lawyer in this state. 

Due to timing, papers can't be served for several months.  Lawyer told me that we are in the "wild west" until then.  We both have legal rights to kids.  I could drive over to her parents and get them.  They would likely not give them.  I could bring police over and that is a crap shoot, legally I should leave with kids, but this could also make me look like a  "crazy man".

She has built a nice little mousetrap. 

I'm sad.  I don't feel reactive and have no plans to rush over there and get kids. 

Bottom line:  I want to stay married, but not at all costs.  Over the past several years I have learned a lot more about myself, clarified my values.  I don't need 50% control.  Really probably not even good to take out the measuring stick.

But no control doesn't work.  Boundaries will fix some of this and has fixed some of this.

But in a marriage there are things that are joint and if people can't effectively talk to each other, well, that's not a marriage.

Grey Kitty,

I need to do some thinking on counseling.  All of our counseling experiences have followed a similar trajectory, except the last one that resulted in a couple years of "relative" stability (basically coming out of the social services thing).

If my wife gets in counseling and feels "boxed in" or controlled, well, that is her problem to deal with.  She will either move towards healthier behavior or she will flip out.

The problem I see is what if she retreats to a low level (like last couple years) of BPDish behavior.  Will I accept that and continue the marriage or not. 

Her getting healthier is an easy choice.

Her flipping out is an easy (but sad) choice.    Perhaps I should use the term clear instead of easy.

Thoughts? 

My short term strategy is to keep fuel off the fire and not force confrontations.  Sucks to have to back down, but I don't see any good outcome of adding fuel to the fire today, or in the short term.

FF

[flourdust]

So, there are threats happening. What's your experience with her threats in the past? Does she follow through or just make them in an attempt to change your behavior or get a reaction? My wife threatens divorce (and other things) all the time, and she's talked about lawyers, but I don't think she's actually taken any action.

It's wise to plan for all contingencies. I see a lot of conflict and mental energy being expended on potential custody issues. If you do head toward divorce, what would your goal be for custody? What would your wife's goal be? Do you think there's a compromise that would work for both of you? How do your goals align with the presumption in your state?

[formflier]

It's wise to plan for all contingencies. I see a lot of conflict and mental energy being expended on potential custody issues. If you do head toward divorce, what would your goal be for custody? What would your wife's goal be? Do you think there's a compromise that would work for both of you? How do your goals align with the presumption in your state?

Yep, I have watched her sister divorce.  Typical high conflict stuff.  Kids are messed up, in large part, because of what they experienced.

If my wife is painting me as the bogeyman, she will protect her children.  She has and will lecture/teach the children that I am bad and her way her family way is good.

Then, when the courts grant me whatever custody I get, they will portray that as them being "gracious" and supportive of fathers being involved.

FF

[KateCat]

If neither party can take legal divorce action for three or four months, then would it make sense for your parents to begin to relocate to your new state as well during this timeframe, to redress the balance of power in your relationship? Or would this throw additional flames on the fire?

I guess I'm wondering if you could informally reproduce the environment of the previous "therapeutic separation" you and your wife experienced, where you resided with your (local) parents, near the marital home.

[formflier]

And, as you read the posts, hang on for all the whipsaws and rabbit trails.  We are texting each other at the moment, planning our date night for tonight.

Whatever,

In all seriousness, please challenge my plans if they seem odd or off the rails.

She obviously has skewed thinking at the moment.  So, I will listen, learn and disengage from the weird stuff and will be the best partner I can when she presents the good side of her.

I plan to stay inside the push pull dynamic.  So if she tries to push me away, I will carefully consider any action that may be perceived as pushing her away.  I won't avoid those activities if they are a boundary or are a core value on the line.

If she goes off the rails lovey dovey towards me, I'll go in that direction, but more moderate.

So, hopefully, date night tonight.

Sigh.

FF

[formflier]

If neither party can take legal divorce action for three or four months, then would it make sense for your parents to begin to relocate to your new state as well during this timeframe, to redress the balance of power in your relationship? Or would this throw additional flames on the fire?

I guess I'm wondering if you could informally reproduce the environment of the previous "therapeutic separation" you and your wife experienced, where you resided with your (local) parents, near the marital home.

Doubtful we could set that up in a matter of months.  I see the thought.

My parents are here but living long term in a hotel.  It is obvious that they plan on sticking around for a while, I'm ok with that.  They have their own life as well.  

Plus, I think there is a bit of a "submission move" going on here.  Or perhaps I am reading to much into it.

In their twisted thinking, they my wife and her father have announced (actually said the words) that this is their house and they will do whatever the eff they want.  

It's likely a control thing (duhh, ).  Well, I know me and I know my Dad.  There is about zero chance that he will ever agree to any sort of set up where my wife and kids stay in his house and I have to go sleep somewhere else.

Especially when her parents house, that she was living in is a few blocks down the road.

There is no way legally for her to force that as well.  

I'm fine with using tools and presenting things in appropriate ways for pwBPD.  I'll do the best I can.  

But, you guys kinda know me here.  My Dad is similar guy, much quieter but likely with more resolve than me.

There never will be a piece of paper that defines the relationship of this house to me or my wife.  Not because we don't want to give legal control to her (which we don't) but because that's not how we do business with family and close business associates.  

Talk, agree, handshake, do,  (it's worked for 4-5 generations, a disordered person or family is not going to change that)

FF

[KateCat]

I see.

I was wondering if your parents were driving six to eight hours each time they came to see your family. But instead they have already got themselves a perch in your new location, and of course the new marital home is legally their home.

A much different family position than the one I thought you were in. 

[empath]

How is she the primary caregiver if the kids are at her parents' house while she is at work?

It seems like a good time to think about what your bottom line for a marriage is. What are the non-negotiables for you to be in? What are your core values or defining boundaries?

Personally, I don't think it would be a good thing for you to leave without the kids at this point because of the way it looks to the legal system. That could turn out very badly in the long term. Documentation is your friend at this point. Do you know what the criteria for abuse in your current state are?

[KateCat]

For the entire time the family has been in this new state, the "primary caregiver" has been you, hasn't it?

[JQ]

Hey FF,

It's been awhile brother since we've been on the same post ... .we've shared a few ideas before ... .after all you've been at this for 5 plus years. I don't need to remind you that BPD is the mental behavioral illness and nothing in the life of a BPD is EVER going to make sense. You know all of this, it isn't new.

BPDs need to have some sort of control in the relationship and she's trying to enforce this on several fronts, but as you said you've seen this tactic before. I'm not sure what your asking for brother ... .are you asking how to handle her demands?  You've been down this path before more then once in the last 5 yrs so I'm sort of confused.

You mentioned, "ue to timing, papers can't be served for several months.  Lawyer told me that we are in the "wild west" until then."  This sounds like a state"Common Wealth" I was stationed in back east & your right it's the wild west there. I have a couple of buddies that it took years to get divorced there because of the law about living under the same roof or not for months. It's insane the hoops  you have to jump through ... .no pun intended.

You also said, "Her getting healthier is an easy choice."  You've also know from these forums, research, 5 years of therapy, things you've read that those who suffer from BPD are highly unlikely to ever really live a "normal life" even with decades of professional therapy & mood stabilizers as in the case of my exBPDgf.  I have a long time friend who is a clinical physiologist who I DIDN'T tell I was in the death throws of a BPD relationship during a conversations we were having over a cup of coffee. She conducts a group session for those who suffer from BPD. She told me, " I don't feel sorry for them, "BPDs" but I sympathize for them. They are seriously broken human beings who will never get healed, even with a lifetime of good mental health therapy and maybe some mood stabilizers".  I've had other Ph.ds & therapist tell me essentially the same thing ... .so I learned that no matter how much I loved & truly cared for her I was NEVER going to be able to help her.  In the case of those who suffer from BPD, "Love DOES NOT conquer all".

I know you suffer from PTSD as do I ... .& EMDR really helped me to managed it better then other therapy. But if you don't rage or other negative consequences from it, it shouldn't play a role in legal matters.  I know you said you want to stay married ... .BUT not at all cost. So on your journey of self discovery YOU have to come to a choice where that line is ... .no one here can tell you nor would we tell you where that line is.

Sit down with a cup of coffee or some other beverage of choice with some good music that you like and relax ... .then start to ask yourself questions. Why do you love her? I mean really why did you fall in love with her and then do those things present in the relationship now?  oes she make you happy? Are you excited to see her at the end of the day or are you afraid in the back of your mind what will happen when the door opens?  o you share the same goals in life for a happy couple? Do you share the same interest like watching sports, hiking, going out to breakfast on Sunday's or for a afternoon matinee? Are you on the same page when it comes to the girls education and overall well being?  o you have the same desires to explore life now and when you retire?  o you look forward to waking up next to her every morning or are you the first to get out of bed? Do you have great conversations over a cup of coffee, dinner, or just sitting around in each others company or do you try to avoid all conversations to avoid confrontation?  No marriage is perfect and couples have different interests ... .hell thats normal ... .but  you have to share some things in common or like you said, "if people can't effectively talk to each other, well... .that's not a marriage."   If you're honest with yourself ... .what are the answers to these questions and then what is your battle plan to move forward to live YOUR life?

You have 2 very young girls ... .as they get older what will they see when you & her interact? Will they see two loving and caring parents in a mutually respectful relationship that they'll want when the time comes or will they see something very different?  If you're honest with yourself ... .ask yourself how is your mental and physical health during the last 5 years?  The same? Worse? Or is it better?  I watch my father die before the age of 50 from his short life with my BPD mother and now I see her s/o declining health after years of mental, emotional and physical abuse.

My mother was BPD & I am the care giver / codependent because of it. When I took the deep dive look into my life and how I got here I had to come to the realization that she is the reason I was the way I was. I avoided conflict at all cost so not to wake up her sleeping flying monkey's. I learned to walk on eggs shells ... .then as I got older without realizing it I look for those same characteristics in a s/o ... .which nothing good came from that. I'm aware of my tendencies to look for that kind of relationship and the warning signs of BPD now. I've learned to take care of MY needs too ... .to say NO to my BPD mothers demands or "crazy request".  I don't go chasing her flying monkey's anymore when she lets them out of their cages ... .it's HER responsibilities to do that.  

I'm responsible for MY happiness just as YOU are responsible for YOUR happiness and NO ONE else. If YOU don't take care of YOUR needs who the hell will?

No one here is judging you for your choices or decisions FF ... .we're hear to listen to you ... .give you a hand up when you stumble and let you know what did or didn't work of us in our journey. But this journey of self discovery is yours alone to walk ... .you can continue down this path your on ... .take the fork to the right & see where that leads you or you can sit down right where you're at and do nothing ... .the choices is YOURS and YOURS alone brother.

I wish you the peace that you seek ... .and the strength you'll need on your journey ... .stay safe ... .

JQ

[formflier]

I see.

I was wondering if your parents were driving six to eight hours each time they came to see your family. But instead they have already got themselves a perch in your new location, and of course the new marital home is legally their home.

A much different family position than the one I thought you were in. 

Yes, you have got it.  They came up a week or so after we started here "full time"  Brought us some stuff in a u-haul.  It was a bit up in the air how long they would stay and I knew better than to try and pin them down.  Dad and Mom have their way of working that stuff out.

Anytime I have ever asked them to be somewhere, they have honored my wishes and same thing if I have asked for space. 

My Dad and Mom have a history of taking tightly defined trips with an agenda, and the schedule is met.  They also have a history of saying they are going to go somewhere "for a while" and I know better than to ask detailed questions.  My understanding is that Dad is the planner and schedule guy and Mom likes flexibility.

FF

[formflier]

  Documentation is your friend at this point. Do you know what the criteria for abuse in your current state are?

Good question, I'll ask.  So, answer is no.

And, while my wife talks a big game.  Corporal punishment is gone from our house.

FF

[Fian]

Let's work backwards.  If you do divorce, what custody arrangement do you want?  :)o you want full custody where mom visits the kids?  Kids live in both households?

Once you determine your goal, what steps do you need to take now to make it likely that you will reach that goal?  Maybe you should develop a plan with the lawyer where you do pick the kids up from the grandparents.  It could look like the following.  :)iscuss with lawyer.  :)iscuss with police.  Show up at grandparents house and pick up kids.  If grandparents resist, call the police to enforce.  Also, can you legally restrict grand parents access to kids, i.e. they can only provide care when you give permission?

In any custody battle, it sounds like she will paint you as a dangerous man suffering from PTSD.  Are there actions that you can take to counter that perception?  Psychological examinations that give you a clean bill of health, maybe?  It also sounds like you will have to paint her black as well.  Can you prove that she has BPD?  The court, knowing that they are dealing with BPD, may be more resistant to her efforts to paint you black.

[formflier]

For the entire time the family has been in this new state, the "primary caregiver" has been you, hasn't it?

Yes, BUT.

They could spin an argument that she and her parents have been because majority of time the D5 and D2 have spent over there.

Not because I can't, but because I have been doing lots of things during the day that would not be possible with little ones running around.  Saws and such.  So "the deal" was set up when on good terms.  :)5 also gets taken to pre-school each day.  Her parents drop off and pickup.  It's an hour task each day.

So, when kids are around, yes I cook, laundry, homework and all that.  My wife does homework as well.  She does bath-time with little girls and tends to get the dressed in morning.

OK, listen.  I've kept the girls before.  I can get their hair up and get the out the door presentable, but I'm nowhere near as good as my wife or D19 at getting that done.  "hair things" still frustrate me.

Even when I was working and she was home we were both involved in care of kids as were olders in the house.  With 8 kids running around, 1 primary caregiver is a fantasy.

But, back to question, right now I am stay at home dad.  I have an interview coming up that I am hopeful about (I'm curious how I got that interview, if my wife's claims that I am not doing anything to look for a job are true), in fact, my first interview is with my top choice.  Fingers crossed.

And, nope, I'm done working for boards and as a public figure.  This is an executive position with a company that is rated highly as military employer, they actively search out officer types like me.  I've had a conversation with them, but not a formal interview.  They have told me I will get a formal interview, but it is not scheduled yet.

Fingers crossed.

FF

[formflier]

Likely outcome of divorce is joint legal custoday and primary custody for her. 

About zero chance that it is possible to "blacken" her enough (not that I would want to) in order to "take the kids" from her.  I suppose she could have a meltdown and that would change.  But as of today, not possible.

About zero chance I can be painted black enough to restrict my parenting time.  Again, that is with what is on the table now.  It is likely they would go down this path if they feel "not in control".

I would want to have more than 50% time.  That is what I want and think I deserve.  However, that's unlikely to happen.

FF

[KateCat]

About zero chance I can be painted black enough to restrict my parenting time.

Maybe you could ask some senior guys over on the Legal board (ForeverDad, Matt, others) how--and how quickly--this can happen.

[formflier]

Hey FF,

It's been awhile brother since we've been on the same post ,  

JQ

JQ,

Hey man, thanks for the input.  Some of this may be wishful thinking on my part and some may (as I would argue) be grounded in fact and observation.

My wife has demonstrated the ability to get better, I know other stories on here where that is not the case.  

We had 15 years of what (to me) was normal marriage.  Perhaps, some stuff was masked because I was in and out with Navy, but I also had shore duty in there and was around for long periods.

Unlikely my wife is diagnosable with BPD.  Also, paranoia seems to be primary thing.  :)oubtful she is diagnosable with PPD either.

Roughly year 15 (of marriage) we are out of home for 6 months, my PTSD (undiagnosed) came into full bloom as did her behaviors.  I spent a couple of years doing everything wrong due to ignorance.  

So there is some guilt there.  There is also a strong sense of the way things should be and you don't leave your wingman behind, you don't leave an injured comrade on the battlefield or in a fire.  I get it this situation is a bit different, but there is part of me that doesn't want to "abandon" her.  

I do have the utmost love, respect and admiration for what she has accomplished and devoted her life to.  Even if that quest to raise awesome kids and be a great mom has morphed into something dysfunctional.  I KNOW it didn't start that way.

In much the same way that I didn't set out to join the military to get wounded and end up disabled.  She didn't marry me with that intention, but that is what she is faced with.

I can give some time for things to straighten out/get better.  But if the past couple weeks are an indicator of the next couple years, well.  My health can't sustain that.

Also, I did get the "pick of the litter".  It would seem that is is some bad stuff there.  Note:  I would not have stayed married to her sister as long as my ex brother in law did.  No chance.  Also would not have stuck it out with the mom.

So, my understanding of my situation is that it doesn't look good, this looks planned, it looks like a submission move.  I also know that if any of the women (in this family) would capitulate or give up the boundary busting, give up the extinction burst, it would be my wife.

Perhaps that would be a goal of counseling, to get us talking to each other and get the rest out of the relationship.

There is hope, but right now it looks kinda thin.  That makes me sad, but it doesn't feel like the end of the world.  A few years ago, I think it would feel like end of world.

FF

[Sunfl0wer]

I admit I am jaded... .

I wonder if she has been planning to leave for a while.  It could explain her frustration over you not working could be her wanting you out of the home so as not to have primary caregiver role and also to have you have a more established income for child support calculations. 

I suppose that is not so helpful.

I find it amazing/admirable how well you are doing keeping your cool and managing things!

[KateCat]

formflier, am I just paranoid (well, I know I'm at least somewhat paranoid by now because I am married to a paranoid schizophrenic  ) or is this message yesterday from your wife highly significant?


ff wife: . . . you are completely unreasonable and unstable the children are telling me they are afraid of you again 7:49 AM

ff wife: You did not listen to me last time things begin escalating you are supposed to listen to me when I tell you that you are not OK if you refuse to do that I cannot make you but that is what you said you would do if we allow you back in the house with us 7:49 AM

ff wife: Please think about this carefully and pray about this I know I have been 7:50 AM

[empath]

About a year ago, my husband had a couple of pretty serious physical incidents with me. I didn't think that a full-on separation was a good idea based on the likelihood of him running/ abandoning our marriage, but at the same time, I couldn't go on with things like they were. So, I drew a hard boundary that was pretty soft in comparison to what should have happened. It was enough to make it clear to him that I was serious, but he still had me in his life. During the past year, I have found out that he has investigated the divorce laws and whatnot (although, not quite as detailed as I have). He said that he was looking so that he could protect himself from what I might do -- and would have if anything had crossed the line.

All that to say, it is a fine line that we walk in dealing the crazy thinking that goes on inside our pwBPD mind. It is hard because they can seem perfectly normal and all of the sudden things can shift.

Deep down, how attached is your wife to you?

[formflier]

Deep down, how attached is your wife to you?

That is so hard to tell.  I really do believe she cares for me and I know that loyalty is a big thing to her and in her mind the social services thing was me being disloyal to her and seems to have no capacity to see it as me being loyal to kids.

That being said, I can see and argument being made that she is more attached to her kids than me.

We have been through several rounds of biblical counseling and parenting classes and have found it hard to sustain the practice of happy marriage produces stable children.  We will follow the guidelines (which I enjoy) of focusing on each other first and then sending "leftovers" to kids (basically putting the marriage first) and then it will turn into me asking/pushing her to maintain that course as she makes choices to spend an extra time here with this kid or with that one.

Note:  I do get it that kids are here for a while and then gone, so I get the "pull" of wanting to spend time with D2 and D5, I really do. 

Quick FF funny story:  About a year and a half ago I met (then aged S18 and S13 out with D1).  They drove and brought her to meet me.  People in the next booth over tapped me on the shoulder and asked me if that was my first grandbaby,   (Assuming S18 was dad I suppose).    

Anyway, I do think she loves and cares for me.  She believes that her love is expressed by "correcting" my behavior. 

Sigh,

FF

[formflier]

I find it amazing/admirable how well you are doing keeping your cool and managing things!

My course of treatment with PTSD was amazing and successful.   I am very deliberate about disengaging when I am not in "top form"

While this affects me, it's not about me.  If someone says "you think blah blah blah" and I don't think that, I used to get defensive.  Now I try to validate and hope they enjoy their point of view.

Honestly, it really doesn't matter the motivation.  It could all be over in a poof in a couple of days or this could continue for a while.

I think it is incredibly important that I am able to compromise and talk properly, but also that on the big issues about boundary control that I not capitulate and do intermittent reinforcement. 

It frustrates her (she says this) that I am so consistent in boundary enforcement (walking away, etc etc).  This all may be a "test" for something as well.

Anyway, thanks for the compliment and I'm generally happy with me as well.  That first weekend where I went to a hotel 2 nights in a row, I was pissed as myself for "spending" so much of my sleep down earlier that week that I didn't have reserves.

Other than that, I'm not remembering any big blunders.

Oh, not really saying it is a blunder but if faced with the TV thing again I am keeping a pair of lineman's pliers (electrical work tool) in my dresser.  If 1 am comes around and people crank it up and tell me to effe off I will stay calm, ask nicely if they persist I will snip power cord and return to bed.  Important I stay calm.

Sigh, really wish I didn't have to think through these types of contingency plans.

FF

[formflier]

  or is this message yesterday from your wife highly significant?

This is the mousetrap.

Only way to prove I listen is to do what she says.  I don't obey, therefore I don't listen. 

She believes that my moving back in after DSS and family therapy made some "deal" that she can control my actions if she deems PTSD has returned.

I do try to validate that it is frustrating to not be heard.

FF

[Grey Kitty]

Make the pliers less exciting if you need them. Unplug. Clip. Walk off with pliers and cord tail. (Instead of clipping live to make sparks at least and possibly blow a fuse.)