She has laid out her plan to end the marriage or get my submission

[flourdust]

Make the pliers less exciting if you need them. Unplug. Clip. Walk off with pliers and cord tail. (Instead of clipping live to make sparks at least and possibly blow a fuse.)

I get how satisfying this could be, but it strikes me as an unrealistic fantasy that could actually escalate a tense situation.

The scenario is... .

It's late at night, FF is trying to sleep, and a TV is blaring in the adjacent room.

FF steps outside, asks for the TV to be turned off or down. Family members in the room refuse. There may be some arguing or confrontation here.

FF produces a tool and breaks the TV.

(At this point, the fantasy kicks in... .)

FF goes back into the bedroom and goes to sleep. Family members gape at each other and sheepishly, quietly withdraw.

The belief that clipping the cable is the "last word" in the conflict is dangerous. After FF makes this escalation, it could go in any number of directions, many of which result in FF not getting the desired sleep, some of which involve physical altercations or police intervention.

[Fian]

An intermediate step that doesn't involve a repair bill is to take out the cutting tool, but only unplug the TV and say "next time I cut the wire."  They can still plug it back in at this point if they want to escalate, but it might make them less angry than if you actually cut the wire.

[KateCat]

The belief that clipping the cable is the "last word" in the conflict is dangerous. After FF makes this escalation, it could go in any number of directions, . . . some of which involve physical altercations or police intervention.

This is what I fear. And, in fact, I think your wife has already been pretty specific in telling you what she is going to present to police / court as her story if you choose this sort of escalation:

Husband is unstable. Has been unstable before. Has been removed from the home before. Children are afraid of him. Instability has returned and increased.

If she follows this at any time with a call to police and an assertion that you have threatened or assaulted anyone, you could wish you had been even more prepared (much more prepared) than you are at this time.

Please be extra careful at this time, and ask the dads on this forum who have had to endure a night in jail or supervised visitation with their kids how this happened to them.

[Fian]

It might not be a bad idea to pay the police a visit so that they know your story in advance of any such call.

[KateCat]

The above is one important action recommended by a number of men who have been through this type of experience.

[flourdust]

Husband is unstable. Has been unstable before. Has been removed from the home before. Children are afraid of him. Instability has returned and increased.

Yes. And damage to property is an escalation (in the eyes of the law) above verbal conflict.

[empath]

That being said, I can see and argument being made that she is more attached to her kids than me.

Okay, that makes sense. It sounds like her attachment is probably strongest to the kids, especially with her actions of late, and you might be expendable. Do you have documentation of your previous DSS interactions and the process that they recommended? That could serve to refute her allegations that you were 'unstable' and were removed from the home. She may really dislike that you have documentation backing up your encounters, but it's important to corroborate your story.

I would recommend the more experienced men-folk, too. It can be challenging for men to be presumed to be innocent in the protective services area. Whatever she says is likely to be believed until proven otherwise. Recording of interactions can help to support your position. They've got experience with that kind of thing.

Property damage can be considered physical expressions of abuse -- especially if people decide to say that they were afraid when the damage occurred.

[Grey Kitty]

I was thinking of electrical safety... .and I'm going to set that aside for now.

The point that property damage looks bad in the eyes of the courts makes it just too bad a risk.

I'm afraid that if loud TV is disturbing your sleep, a hotel may well be your best answer.

[JQ]

Hey FF,

It's been awhile brother since we've been on the same post ... . 

JQ

JQ,

Hey man, thanks for the input.

FF

FF,

Our stories aren't much different brother ... .15 yrs married ... .like you, the perfect storm of issues happen all at the same time or nearly the same time. 2 yrs before I retired from the Navy I received a "work related" spinal cord injury and spent the next 2 yrs in physical therapy 2-3 times a week. I had adjustment issues to some paralysis & numbness in my leg ... .ended up blowing up on someone senior to me. At which point I was pretty much ordered to go to "adjustment counseling" ... .that lead to reliving the PTSD incident where I couldn't save a 19 yr old kid who bled out over me. Scars that i will forever carry with me.  EMDR was the treatment and was pretty successful from all accounts. I'm still angry with the "new normal" of my physical condition ... .but I'm lucky to have what I have. With retirement transition, PTSD, adjustment issues, going from 12 hour days to nothing was more then I thought it was going to be ... .it was much more difficult to transition.  I called someone who retired a year before me to discuss something I had noticed which included her. I told her that a lot of people i knew that retired from the Navy had divorced 12 mths prior to 12 mths after the retirement date ... .she thought about it and said most of her friends fell into that same situation. You could right your Ph.d trying to figure that one out.

My ex is the "pick of the litter" as well with her own issues and sees a therapist to deal with her self discovery journey. And like you my health couldn't take all the negative things from her & my situation that had developed over the last two years and I finally broke ... .I couldn't deal with her negative attitude & issues if I was to survive and learn to live a full life and maintain a positive out look on things.  Nothing I had said up to that point had changed her behavior ... .I had to do what was best for me or I was going to die a slow death mentally, emotionally and physically.  it wasn't easy ... .but I knew it was the best for my own well being.  Yours is a little different with your kids thrown in the mix. But again I ask, do your girls see a healthy example of a mutual respectful, caring loving relationship or will they see something else?

I didn't expect to end up this way either ... .but life deals you a hand and you have to make the best of it. I try to keep a sense of humor, positive energy and tell myself well it's not SERE with water boarding so I'm good.   

You said, "So there is some guilt there.  There is also a strong sense of the way things should be and you don't leave your wingman behind, you don't leave an injured comrade on the battlefield or in a fire.  I get it this situation is a bit different, but there is part of me that doesn't want to "abandon" her."    I get that brother ... .I really do and respect your thought process on it.  But when does your reasonability for her actions end and her accepting responsibilities for her behavior and or actions begin?  I commend you on you not wanting to "abandon" her ... .but you're not ... .  are you prepared to sacrifice your health, physical and mental for the rest of your life for a mental illness you can neither control or cure? Are you ready to live a shorter life?  Are you prepared for the consequences that  your daughters will learn from this behavior both your's & your wife?  What are you teaching them about relationships? I can tell you from personal experience I did'n't have the best examples and is in part why I'm where I am today ... .jus saying brother

Stay safe ... .

J

[formflier]

I'm afraid that if loud TV is disturbing your sleep, a hotel may well be your best answer.

I don't sleep much in hotels.  Especially when there under duress. 

And, it's not damaged, the volume button wasn't working properly, so I decided to repair my property.

FF

[formflier]

 

More later, but the nice one is back,

FF

[Fian]

I'm afraid that if loud TV is disturbing your sleep, a hotel may well be your best answer.

I don't sleep much in hotels.  Especially when there under duress. 

And... it's not damaged, the volume button wasn't working properly, so I decided to repair my property.

FF

That's funny, but you do know that a court wouldn't see it that way, right?   

[Grey Kitty]

I'm afraid that if loud TV is disturbing your sleep, a hotel may well be your best answer.

I don't sleep much in hotels.  Especially when there under duress. 

I understand. But I'm thinking of what I've read about this kind of high conflict separation/divorce/custody battle on the legal board here, and still think it may be your best choice!

As a man your case for getting anything vaguely even/fair in a custody dispute is a hard one, especially because your wife isn't actually neglecting/abusing the kids. [Other than the spanking incident, which hasn't been repeated, the worst things I've read of are being an inconsistent disciplinarian and parental alienation of you]

How she treats YOU gets a lot less weight, if any... .and her accusations of how you treat her will be off the scale... .and getting this sort of things sorted out in courts takes a long time. And there is some record of PTSD / anger issues you have to consider. I'm not criticizing you--I'm just describing the situation you would find yourself in with a judge.

It isn't fair... .but from the stories I've read there, you are at risk of spending months or even a year with a few hours of supervised visitation on weekends... .and from what I know of you, that is an outcome you would do a lot to avoid!

So I'm going to stick with the recommendation that you NOT escalate to that kind of property damage. Ever.

[KateCat]

I am glad the guys commenting here are seeing the situation as serious.

I've seen such sad sights down at my local courthouse, with perfectly pleasant-looking men standing in the halls, looking stunned and accompanied by their parents, waiting for their cases to be called in the domestic violence calendar. They confer hastily with their newly engaged attorneys, stating that they need an order to get back into the house to get their clothes and other essentials. The process of fighting their way back into their own families just beginning . . . .

ADDED: Don't know why I didn't think of this until just now, but is there any chance your wife has already had some meetings with local domestic violence counselors?

[formflier]

 

I still need to process the responses and get back to you guys.

Last night took her and S13 and s7 on a "date night" for a special eatery and movie.  The special eatery was about a 50 minute drive from here, it was billed as an adventure night.  Should have thought through the long drive before agreeing to it.  (I can see everyone shaking their head and saying noo)

Well, about 15 minutes into it she asked a question about some real estate stuff and then starting inferring that I was conducting real estate in a way to hide money, to get ready.  I'm dense, and it was said in such a way that it didn't make a lick of sense, so I genuinely asked her to clarify a statement or a question.  This led to her saying I was hiding money to get ready for the divorce (2 kids in back seat).

Well, I pulled off on a side road and stopped.  She starts saying "if you are going to do something crazy let me out".  I waited calmly for a minute and said.  "I'm not going to take someone out on a date that is suggesting I am divorcing them or preparing for a divorce.  I do not want a divorce, do not want to discuss it."

She claimed she didn't say that and what she said was I "might" be hiding money.

The then says "Take me home, I won't make this mistake again"  (in the old days I would have asked what "this" means).  She accused me of ruining the night, blah blah blah.  I stayed calm.  Heard some sniffling from back seat.

I said "I don't want a divorce.  If you are able to continue the evening without talking about divorce I am willing to continue.  Is this agreeable to you?"

There was some rabbit trail introduction but I fairly quickly got her to say that she would not speak about divorce.  I pulled back on the road and kept going.

She was quiet for a couple minutes and up until then, I was fairly happy with my calmness and responses.

She starts in asking real estate questions (detailed stuff) and I didn't respond. 

At some point she said "fine, you don't want to talk so I won't talk".  (ff turns bad here)

"That's a deal I will take any day of the week, "  I wasn't really triggered or even pissed, more like I got to the point that I didn't care, hard to explain.  Then she starts up questions again, I said "I'll be happy to talk about this in the presence of a counselor.  She asked me how that made sense.  I said well I'm assuming that since that is your position, that we don't talk about stuff until in counseling, that you are ok with me taking your position.

She seethed for a minute or so.

Then I said something about "hey, I thought you promised not to talk anyway"  She said "fine I wont talk", I said "the silence will be glorious, "

Uggg, I've not said crap like that in a long time.  She furiously typed away in her phone for another 20-30 minutes until we got there.  Dinner was slightly tense.  I tried to lead the conversation by keeping topics on boys.  Movie was great.  We all left in good mood. 

Ride home was light and enjoyable.  (in my mind, I'm asking myself if this is real).  We get home and I tell her that I'm feeling pretty good (not tired) and if she wanted to talk we could hang out.  So we laid in our bed but she didn't say much.  After 30 minutes or so of that I said I was going to go run a hot bath and there would be a nice massage in there if she was interested. 

She showed up, long bath, sex and good nights sleep.

Woke up this morning, I could tell she had been ruminating on something for a while.  Last time we did laying around talking in bed I ended up getting chased around with her unlocking doors.  So, I was wary but went with it.

Finally she pops and says "we've got to be a team here.  If you want to drop off the kids at the school bus a couple days a week, I'm ok with it."  And then gave a long explanation that was rational and made sense about why she needed to leave earlier. 

You can imagine my head spinning.  I also figured I would be bold and go for communication while she seemed open.

I asked/explained if she understood why I had a problem with what happened, that when I am told that there is 1 way and only one way to solve something that I bristle.  She stayed calm said but you do that to me all the time via text, you just don't know it.

She shared a time or two and to her credit she listened to my explanation of how those texts were informative and not directive and that I am open to other options.

Basically she took a text saying ":)inner at 6" to mean that I was declaring dinner at 6 and there would be no discussion and no other way.  In my world I text those that aren't around to let them know what time dinner will be happening, based on how progress is going/what I see happening.

As she listened, it was weird.  Like I could see the tension leaving her body.  Almost science fiction like. 

We had productive, relaxed talks about the family, schedule, and stuff for about an hour.  More relaxed hanging out, sex and then got a late start on Saturday.

She is taking some kids to walk in clinic.

I realize nothing is fixed.  I also realize there could be some prior planning here (divorce scheming).

However, changes in her body and posture and manner, I doubt could be faked.  I have never pointed those out to her because I don't want her to try and cover her "tells". 

Dunno, rolling with it for now and will be ready for the mean one to show back up.

FF

[formflier]

JQ,

I get your point and agree it's one thing to charge back into a space that is on fire to get a buddy out and to repeatedly keep going back into that space because after being rescued your buddy keeps jumping back into the space.

At some point you say "good luck with that, "  Naval Aviators tend to have a bit of an off sense of humor, we'd say good luck with that and then find a place to watch,

A southern guy with a pretty strong redneck streak in him with the "hold my beer and watch this mentality" (never good but always entertaining), fit in pretty well in Naval Aviation.

I'm clear headed that this level of stuff can't continue, for a host of reasons.

FF

[JQ]

JQ,

I get your point and agree it's one thing to charge back into a space that is on fire to get a buddy out and to repeatedly keep going back into that space because after being rescued your buddy keeps jumping back into the space.

At some point you say "good luck with that... ."  Naval Aviators tend to have a bit of an off sense of humor, we'd say good luck with that and then find a place to watch...

A southern guy with a pretty strong redneck streak in him with the "hold my beer and watch this mentality" (never good but always entertaining), fit in pretty well in Naval Aviation.

I'm clear headed that this level of stuff can't continue, for a host of reasons.

FF

FF,

I oh I get your humor ... .I'm a P-3 guy & have said many times, "Good luck with that" and had a beer why I watch with great amusement on the issue at hand.  It's what we airdales do ... .no one gets us but another airdale brother.     I watched an LCDR self destruct recently ... .removed from command after more then one tried to give guidance & point the way ... .sometimes you can't save every puppy in the pound ... .it's Darwin at it's finest working ... .

It's good to see you're clear headed ... .for a moment I thought you might be hypoxic & needed some help with your mask   

You got this ... .I like the idea of you bouncing ideas ... .I get that you have to try everything that you can and for that I give you much respect.

JQ

[Grey Kitty]

  I think the whole "date night" trip was something that you executed very well.

If she invites you to something that sounds like it should be fun (assuming no dysregulations!), taking her up on it seems reasonable. Especially since YOU were driving, not her.

Stopping the car and telling her that making comments about your plans to divorce her isn't an acceptable way to do "date night" is also excellent boundary enforcement, and even directly addressed the parental alienation aspect of that particular conversation.

Overall--very good job turning a potential sh*tstorm into a good evening with some tense points.

Side note... .you seem to think that you *should* be able to predict situations where your wife would dysregulate at you, and avoid them without creating another conflict when you do so... .not so much. Her dysregulations have a lot more to do with her internal mental state than any actions or choices you make.

Well, now that you've got invalidation under control, at least... .I'm sure in almost any situation you could come up with a perfect invalidating statement that would set her off!

[empath]

This led to her saying I was hiding money to get ready for the divorce (2 kids in back seat).

It is really horrible for the kids to hear that kind of talk from their parent, activates all their insecurities and fears.

I've had to fend off these accusations recently, too, especially as we navigated the whole separate accounts thing and the implementation of that. While I was working and putting my earnings in a separate account, he was acting 'weird' (as he describes) and 'protecting himself' from me by coming up with ways to earn more money and doing freelance work instead of being available for the kids. The fear of abandonment through divorce was pretty powerful in my house for a while -- until my job ended and the trigger stopped.

I took the position that I was not planning to divorce, but if his behavior continued in an abusive manner, I would because I cannot allow him to do that to me or to the kids. (if he pulls the scriptural card, I'm prepared to show him) He has been much better for past couple of weeks, but he did something that activated his shame again and is getting some additional help now.

Sometimes, it takes a while for them to get the things that we say.

[Fian]

One argument of my wife's that I reject is "you do it too!"  My response is two-fold.  One, even if I did do it, that does not justify you doing it.  Don't use "You do it too" as a way to justify your behavior.  If, after we discuss your actions, you want to bring up actions of mine that you feel are wrong and similar, that is fine, but using "you do it too" as a way of deflecting discussion of your bad behavior is not fair.

I am not sure if that would be helpful in your situation or not.  With BPD, there is probably no way that she is going to admit guilt, so if you take away one argument of hers, she will just move on to another one, even if it is more illogical.

[patientandclear]

Hi FF. One observation and two questions.

Observation: from all her recent antics and not so veiled references to lawyers and divorce strategy, it seems really likely to me that she learned of your lawyer consult and is now terrified both that you are planning to divorce, and that you will get the upper hand. Maybe I've missed this, but I haven't seen you report that you made her aware of the lawyer appt, just that you told her you had an "appointment." I think for most spouses, if they sleuthed and figured out that the "appointment" was a mtng with a family law atty, it would set off massive insecurity. Is this possible? If so, not sure how you can accurately reassure her -- "I don't want a divorce, just have to understand if I am vulnerable if you do" might be the best you can do; maybe others will have suggestions. However, from remarks you've made recently, is "I don't want a divorce" completely accurate? You've said things that suggest if things continue in the recent vein, that could change. I think you may need to do some soul searching before reassuring. I think maybe you really mean "assuming you get back to baseline, wife, I want to stay married." Is that a precondition that can be taken for granted?

Also: the kids. What you've reported recently has got to be unbelievably stressful and painful for them. Is there a point at which that factors into your decision about what to do about the marriage?

Finally: I'm struggling to understand how you can express the degree of hurt and disappointment you share here, then be offering massages hot baths and sex. Your own feelings seem to be all over the place. Your habit seems to be to snatch the good times while you can, and thus live a life of disconnected chapters of enjoyment and warmth which is better than none. But the confusion for her must be significant. Do you really not change your feelings and openness when she says these terrible things about you? Even though you are seeing a lawyer about who kicks whom out of the house etc? Wondering if it may be time to achieve some clarity about how you feel.

[sweetheart]

Finally: I'm struggling to understand how you can express the degree of hurt and disappointment you share here, then be offering massages hot baths and sex. Your own feelings seem to be all over the place. Your habit seems to be to snatch the good times while you can, and thus live a life of disconnected chapters of enjoyment and warmth which is better than none. But the confusion for her must be significant. Do you really not change your feelings and openness when she says these terrible things about you? Even though you are seeing a lawyer about who kicks whom out of the house etc? Wondering if it may be time to achieve some clarity about how you feel.

I too like p+c wonder where you are emotionally in all of this. What has been taking shape in my mind for a while now is something called incongruity. It is as though you are mirroring your wife's dysregulations in your own reactive behaviour in an attempt to control the chaos. I understand that you are stressed and sleep deprived and have found the return to dysregulated behaviour very challenging.

What I wonder though in moving forward to improving is how you might ground yourself in a way that offers constancy, balance, and congruence to your family through both dysregulations and normalcy.

Below is a somewhat wordy explanation of what congruence means and what makes it important to our personal growth.

Congruence

A person’s ideal self may not be consistent with what actually happens in life and experiences of the person. Hence, a difference may exist between a person’s ideal self and actual experience. This is called incongruence.

Where a person’s ideal self and actual experience are consistent or very similar, a state of congruence exists. Rarely, if ever, does a total state of congruence exist; all people experience a certain amount

According to Rogers, we want to feel, experience and behave in ways which are consistent with our self-image and which reflect what we would like to be like, our ideal-self.

The closer our self-image and ideal-self are to each other, the more consistent or congruent we are and the higher our sense of self-worth. A person is said to be in a state of incongruence if some of the totality of their experience is unacceptable to them and is denied or distorted in the self-image.

Incongruence is "a discrepancy between the actual experience of the person and the self-picture of the individual insofar as it represents that experience.

As we prefer to see ourselves in ways that are consistent with our self-image, we may use defense mechanisms like denial or repression in order to feel less threatened by some of what we consider to be our undesirable feelings.  A person whose self-concept is incongruent with her or his real feelings and experiences will defend because the truth hurts.

[Verbena]

Like patientandclear, I also don't understand the horrible treatment followed by sex followed by horrible treatment followed by sex.  But then, I have a little different perspective given my own situation. 

I have not had sex with my husband in almost five years.  His behavior has killed any and all desire for a physical relationship with him.  He is awful to be around and more miserable and negative than I can possibly explain.  He refuses to take accountability for anything (he's never wrong), won't discuss any issue with me, won't go to counseling (I've asked), and he gaslights me and plays other angry, passive/agressive games with me.  Not exactly the kind of person I want anything to do with. 

FF, as much as I hate the way my husband behaves, he can't hold a candle to your wife.  I realize everyone is different and I am not criticizing you.  I'm just saying it's hard for me to understand how you can put aside the bad behavior, especially the damage she is openly and actively doing to your children, and continue with regular sex with her.  I just don't "get it"--pun intended.

I look at it this way.  If there was another person in my life who behaved the way my husband does, no way no how would I seek out a close and personal relationship with them.  I would be civil to them and be around them when I had to be (this describes my relationship with my husband), but I would have no desire for anything else.

And yes, I realize a sexless marriage is not really a marriage.  Mine died long ago.  I come to these boards to get insight into making things better for me as I learn ways to react differently to my H.  I certainly can't fix him or talk to him--about anything.   

Maybe it's just different for women.  I know, for me, I cannot separate the nasty, miserable husband from the one who will flip a switch and be nice if he thinks sex is in the cards.   

[formflier]

One argument of my wife's that I reject is "you do it too!"  My response is two-fold.  One, even if I did do it, that does not justify you doing it.  Don't use "You do it too" as a way to justify your behavior.  If, after we discuss your actions, you want to bring up actions of mine that you feel are wrong and similar, that is fine, but using "you do it too" as a way of deflecting discussion of your bad behavior is not fair.

I agree on "detailed" issues that we should leave this alone.

But on big picture "precedent" setting things I am more than fine using this argument.

I come at it from the negotiating point of view.  My goal is to create a deal that is fair for both sides.  If I make a deal with you and I would feel treated fairly on "your side" of the deal, then I am at peace with myself.

If you give me a deal and you would not have anything to do with "my" side of the deal because if "feels" unfair to you, then why in the world would you offer me that deal.

I get it that pwBPD might think differently about this, but this is about me and my values.

FF

[formflier]

just that you told her you had an "appointment." 

No, that was her being dramatic about telling me she had an appointment.

I kept my L visit private.  Unless I'm being tracked or watched, she doesn't know.

Also, I get it doesn't make sense to her, but if someone threatens to sue me or divorce me, I check with a L to know where I stand.

That doesn't mean I will do anything.

FF

[formflier]

Finally: I'm struggling to understand how you can express the degree of hurt and disappointment you share here, then be offering massages hot baths and sex. Your own feelings seem to be all over the place. Your habit seems to be to snatch the good times while you can, and thus live a life of disconnected chapters of enjoyment and warmth which is better than none. But the confusion for her must be significant. Do you really not change your feelings and openness when she says these terrible things about you? Even though you are seeing a lawyer about who kicks whom out of the house etc? Wondering if it may be time to achieve some clarity about how you feel.

This has come with some detachment on my part.  I sort of organize it in my head as I'm married to two different people.  There is one that I have an enjoyable r/s with and the other that I enforce boundaries with and keep a wary eye on.

So, when the good times come, I roll with it but stay "inside" the push pull dynamic.  So if she is a 5 in excitement, I'm a 3-4.  Hope that makes sense.

More later,

FF

[formflier]

The sex thing:

So, my military aviation background has a big "compartmentalization" thing to it.  Whatever stuff you have going on you "compartmentalize" it and go fly and focus on getting job done.  Over the years I have backed out of a couple flights, but not many.  So, when she goes off, I get into one mode.  When she starts to turn nice I get into another mode.

Energy management:  You guys have seen me talk about this in my posts to others.  When my wife's behavior is good, I try to "fill up" the r/s with good stuff and lots of my energy.  When she dysregs, I try to expend minimum energy and focus that on boundaries and self care.

I am no where near as close to my wife as I was in the first 15 years of marriage.  I have had to detach a bunch.

FF

[empath]

In my experience,  sometimes a relationship with a pwBPD is a bit like being a parent. Consistency is important to them as part of the whole trust thing. If I give inconsistent messages,  my husband tends to start thinking that I am as unstable as he is emotionally. He is helped when I say the same things regardless of what he feels; when he is calmer, he can understand things better - but the message doesn't change. There are consequences to what they do and say while they are dysregulated that carry over to regulated times. You can't just throw around the idea of divorce and not have consequences, especially if it comes up in front of the children.  (I just had to do some damage control with my youngest today after my husband pulled out the separate living card last night, and our daughter heard)

I've had to work on having clear boundaries and communication for the past year. When I received feedback about how my boundaries were understood,  sometimes I had to change them to make sure they were consistent.  My husband has started to accept that he does have a problem and is working on what he considers to be the issues.

[formflier]

In my experience,   sometimes a relationship with a pwBPD is a bit like being a parent. 

My thinking has shifted more towards this over the past few years.  It's not what I want, but in some ways it helps me make more sense out of life.  I can totally relate to kids have good days and bad days, even some days that you wonder who they are.  I never expected to think of my wife in that way.

FF

[patientandclear]

just that you told her you had an "appointment." 

No... that was her being dramatic about telling me she had an appointment.

I kept my L visit private.  Unless I'm being tracked or watched, she doesn't know.

Also, I get it doesn't make sense to her, but if someone threatens to sue me or divorce me, I check with a L to know where I stand.

That doesn't mean I will do anything.

FF

Yeah ... .I really really think she knew (that you were seeing a lawyer).  The timing of the "appointment" convo was too weird.  Plus as I recall you did also mention an appointment, without providing details.  All of her recent acute reactions and sensitivity and needling you about things that connect to divorce, seem likely to be reacting to her sense that you are going there first.  You will have a better idea than we do about HOW she might  have picked up on this, but I really think it explains a lot.