my exBPD apologized for everything?

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

yesterday i got a random facebook message from my ex asking if she could call, normally these things dont go well but she apologized for the entire year we were together. She said for cheating, lying, driving my emotions crazy, and dealing with her for longer than anyone else. she said she always thinks of me and that she still loves me. And during the convo it felt lie a huge weight being lifted off my chest, i guess that's the closure i wanted. I love that girl with everything in me and i wish things didn't have to happen like they did, transitioning to living my life without her has been the hardest most painful thing i've done. So do you think it's over for good guys? any response would be appreciated

[HumbleHeart]

yesterday i got a random facebook message from my ex asking if she could call, normally these things dont go well but she apologized for the entire year we were together. She said for cheating, lying, driving my emotions crazy, and dealing with her for longer than anyone else. she said she always thinks of me and that she still loves me. And during the convo it felt lie a huge weight being lifted off my chest, i guess that's the closure i wanted. I love that girl with everything in me and i wish things didn't have to happen like they did, transitioning to living my life without her has been the hardest most painful thing i've done. So do you think it's over for good guys? any response would be appreciated

[JRT]

you are one of the few lucky ones... .I'm glad for you.

[FannyB]

Hi HH

Is what over for good? The relationship itself, your feelings for her or her pursuing you?

[Lonely_Astro]

yesterday i got a random facebook message from my ex asking if she could call, normally these things dont go well but she apologized for the entire year we were together. She said for cheating, lying, driving my emotions crazy, and dealing with her for longer than anyone else. she said she always thinks of me and that she still loves me. And during the convo it felt lie a huge weight being lifted off my chest, i guess that's the closure i wanted. I love that girl with everything in me and i wish things didn't have to happen like they did, transitioning to living my life without her has been the hardest most painful thing i've done. So do you think it's over for good guys? any response would be appreciated

Slippery slope you are contemplating walking upon, my friend.

3 years of NC with my ex, we had to ride together to a conference and we talked along the way. That led to innocent texting, which led to a friendship, led to flirting, then a romantic r/s.  During that ride, she apologized profusely for what had happened to us 3 years ago.  She seemed like an entirely different person.  She seemed so much different.

We had a year long romantic r/s.  She wasn't any different.  Maybe in that moment, in the beginning, she felt she was/could be, but that didn't stop her from abusing me this past year (most of it I didn't even know).

Don't fall for the siren song.  Turn your ship and steady the course. It's hard... .I know.

[HumbleHeart]

yesterday i got a random facebook message from my ex asking if she could call, normally these things dont go well but she apologized for the entire year we were together. She said for cheating, lying, driving my emotions crazy, and dealing with her for longer than anyone else. she said she always thinks of me and that she still loves me. And during the convo it felt lie a huge weight being lifted off my chest, i guess that's the closure i wanted. I love that girl with everything in me and i wish things didn't have to happen like they did, transitioning to living my life without her has been the hardest most painful thing i've done. So do you think it's over for good guys? any response would be appreciated

Slippery slope you are contemplating walking upon, my friend.

3 years of NC with my ex, we had to ride together to a conference and we talked along the way. That led to innocent texting, which led to a friendship, led to flirting, then a romantic r/s.  During that ride, she apologized profusely for what had happened to us 3 years ago.  She seemed like an entirely different person.  She seemed so much different.

We had a year long romantic r/s.  She wasn't any different.  Maybe in that moment, in the beginning, she felt she was/could be, but that didn't stop her from abusing me this past year (most of it I didn't even know).

Don't fall for the siren song.  Turn your ship and steady the course. It's hard... .I know.

that's what I'm afraid of

[HumbleHeart]

Hi HH

Is what over for good? The relationship itself, your feelings for her or her pursuing you?

Referring to the relationship

[HumbleHeart]

you are one of the few lucky ones... .I'm glad for you.

Thank you for the acknowledgment, Im not sure what happens from here though

[Lonely_Astro]

you are one of the few lucky ones... .I'm glad for you.

Thank you for the acknowledgment, Im not sure what happens from here though

Mine seemed like an exception to the rule.  All the way up to the end this time, she took responsibility for "messing up" the r/s.  She apologized and sent hints to me she wanted another chance.  However, when she saw that I wasn't going to do that, she completely changed.  That's when the true colors came out.  She cut me out entirely and hasn't looked back since.  Less than a month after we ended (officially), she had a dozen roses delivered to her desk and she left the deliberately where she knew I'd see them.  Simply put, she isn't a nice person.  At the very least, it's immature to do that to someone you claimed was "the light of" her life. Trust me, don't go down that slope again, no matter how nice she appears. 

I'm not saying yours is doing that, but it's possible.  Just because she's showing you this side, doesn't mean it's the actual side.  They're like icebergs. I truly believe that.

[Penelope35]

My ex apologised to me many, many times. He is still lying though, making manipulative comments, idealizes me, then devalues me, pushes and pulls me etc. I wish i could tell you that your ex may be different... .I don't know though... .I am not sure they will ever be able to control these behaviors without many MANY years of therapy

[C.Stein]

I got nothing even resembling an apology or anything even resembling guilt or remorse.  Heck, I didn't even get acknowledgement that we ever had anything together other than friendship even though at one time we were talking marriage.

What I did get was the distinct impression I was blamed for everything.  Reality was likely horribly twisted to accommodate this view so she could see herself as the victim and innocent of any wrong doing.  I will admit it has been very difficult dealing with this.

[Penelope35]

I got nothing even resembling an apology or anything even resembling guilt or remorse.  Heck, I didn't even get acknowledgement that we ever had anything together other than friendship even though at one time we were talking marriage.

What I did get was the distinct impression I was blamed for everything.  Reality was likely horribly twisted to accommodate this view so she could see herself as the victim and innocent of any wrong doing.  I will admit it has been very difficult dealing with this.

I am sure it is C.Stein. I just want to assure you that whether or not they apologise, the end result is the same though... .Their bad and hurtful behavior doesn't change... .  I hope this thought gives you some peace.

[Lonely_Astro]

My ex apologised to me many, many times. He is still lying though, making manipulative comments, idealizes me, then devalues me, pushes and pulls me etc. I wish i could tell you that your ex may be different... .I don't know though... .I am not sure they will ever be able to control these behaviors without many MANY years of therapy

DBT isn't a magic bullet.  It's not a cure, it's a management system and there's no guarantee you'd see improvement.  Plus, you wouldn't see that improvement for at least several years. In the meantime, you'd continue to be abused and cycled through.  Even if it were effective, the person at the end of that journey may not be who you wanted to be with anyway.

It's heck to say this, but going along with them on this journey simply isn't worth that.  There's a member here that had chose to do it only to be discarded at the end anyway because their partner didn't really take DBT seriously.  They endured abuse after abuse over it and in the end their sacrifice didn't count to the pwBPD.  Sad, but true.

I got nothing even resembling an apology or anything even resembling guilt or remorse.  Heck, I didn't even get acknowledgement that we ever had anything together other than friendship even though at one time we were talking marriage.

What I did get was the distinct impression I was blamed for everything.  Reality was likely horribly twisted to accommodate this view so she could see herself as the victim and innocent of any wrong doing.  I will admit it has been very difficult dealing with this.

While J would take 'responsibility', she would always nullify it with an explanation.  "I'm sorry I dated B for a month without you knowing it. But, you made me because of x,y,z." Or "I know you never really trusted me. I never gave you a reason to, but that shouldn't matter. No matter how much good I'd do, you'd always wonder in the back of your mind" (that's a direct quote from her, btw).  So just because they'll apologize or whatever, doesn't mean they were really apologizing.  J seemed to always be minimizing, shifting, gaslighting, and straight up blaming others for her actions.  

Even at the end, she blamed me for the failure of our r/s.  "You're leaving me now, just when we started to have a chance to be together".  No, it wasn't me who kept us in limbo.  It wasn't me who had lied about my divorce and no it wasn't me who dated yet ANOTHER guy while telling me she wanted to "work it out like we always did".  She briefly admitted that she had lied to me most of the year but quickly followed that with "but I felt like you were using me most of the time".  Complete and utter bull$hit, the truth is I was the one used most of the year. Projection at its finest.

[Hindsight2020]

My BPDex could not take credit for any negative actions she did. It was always my fault no matter how ridiculous the claim. All the way to the very end. Closure was never an option with her. I'm glad to hear that your ex gave you that benefit of the doubt. I've thought about that for a long time. Like when or if she would ever clue into her horrible behaviours and irrational bickering. I know I'll never get an apology from her. She's too self centered of a person

[C.Stein]

While J would take 'responsibility', she would always nullify it with an explanation.  "I'm sorry I dated B for a month without you knowing it. But, you made me because of x,y,z." Or "I know you never really trusted me. I never gave you a reason to, but that shouldn't matter. No matter how much good I'd do, you'd always wonder in the back of your mind" (that's a direct quote from her, btw).  So just because they'll apologize or whatever, doesn't mean they were really apologizing.  J seemed to always be minimizing, shifting, gaslighting, and straight up blaming others for her actions.

I've gotten apologies for things she has done during our relationship (questionable or complete lack of sincerity), nothing at all post discard.  I was simply ghosted completely and if I hadn't reached out to give some stuff back to her I probably would have never heard from her again.  

She also had the same problem with admitting something she did was wrong or bad.   She always had a reason, excuse, some way to justify the action/behavior and thereby avoiding taking responsibility for it.   You are right that when the apology is not heart felt and sincere without making excuses or attempts to justify then it means nothing ... .but it would be nice to hear it now anyhow.

[bschooled]

To say without question that things won't ever change is in my opinion the same as their black and white thinking. It's not the norm in these situations, but it has happened. Never say never.

That being said, my ex has given me countless apologies, and while I believe it is genuine remorse he feels, I've gone back enough times to learn that there's a difference between apologizing and making amends. And by making amends I mean long-term, consistent actions that show an unwavering commitment to getting better. And the ability to be accountable for his mistakes and not try to sweep them under the rug as if it never happened.

In my case, his fear of abandonment runs so deep he doesn't realize that the only way things would change is if he gets better for himself, not because he wants me back. If your ex is determined, she will. But until she makes visible progress, I would keep my distance and try not to get my hopes up.

[FannyB]

HH

It takes two to tango. If she does pursue you with renewed vigour then you still have the choice of whether to acquiesce to her advances. You've admitted that detaching was hard, but it still sounds like you're vulnerable to rekindling with someone who hurt you very bad. She may change however, and it might be possible to go the distance.

Do you accept that the lovely girl you fell in love with was only part of her character and that her dark side is also who she is? If therapy mitigates the darkness you probably won't be left with the wonderful girl you first met.  Could you live happily ever after with a vanilla version of your ex?


Fanny

[bdyw8]

The only times I ever got an apology from my exBPD was when she was trying to manipulate to get me back.  We broke up and I did NC for 3 months but she came around right before xmas saying she was so sorry and how things would be different.  She did things different for 4 days and when I finally committed all-in to being with her again, she went right back to being the way she was before -- also going back on her apologies and blaming me again for everything.

Don't want to say this will be the situation with you, but with everything I've read up on BPD, what happened to me with my exBPD seems pretty common.

They put on the mask until they hook you, and then the mask comes off.  This could be 3 days, or a year.  As for my situation, I've learned after taking her back 3 times over 2 years when she's had "sincere" apologies and made "vows", "promises" and "oaths", that I can't believe a word that comes out of her mouth because it was all part of an elaborate manipulation.  

I've learned I didn't even know the person I "loved" for 4 years.  

[HumbleHeart]

you are one of the few lucky ones... .I'm glad for you.

Thank you for the acknowledgment, Im not sure what happens from here though

Mine seemed like an exception to the rule.  All the way up to the end this time, she took responsibility for "messing up" the r/s.  She apologized and sent hints to me she wanted another chance.  However, when she saw that I wasn't going to do that, she completely changed.  That's when the true colors came out.  She cut me out entirely and hasn't looked back since.  Less than a month after we ended (officially), she had a dozen roses delivered to her desk and she left the deliberately where she knew I'd see them.  Simply put, she isn't a nice person.  At the very least, it's immature to do that to someone you claimed was "the light of" her life. Trust me, don't go down that slope again, no matter how nice she appears. 

I'm not saying yours is doing that, but it's possible.  Just because she's showing you this side, doesn't mean it's the actual side.  They're like icebergs. I truly believe that.

I appreciate your insight into the matter

[HumbleHeart]

The only times I ever got an apology from my exBPD was when she was trying to manipulate to get me back.  We broke up and I did NC for 3 months but she came around right before xmas saying she was so sorry and how things would be different.  She did things different for 4 days and when I finally committed all-in to being with her again, she went right back to being the way she was before -- also going back on her apologies and blaming me again for everything.

Don't want to say this will be the situation with you, but with everything I've read up on BPD, what happened to me with my exBPD seems pretty common.

They put on the mask until they hook you, and then the mask comes off.  This could be 3 days, or a year.  As for my situation, I've learned after taking her back 3 times over 2 years when she's had "sincere" apologies and made "vows", "promises" and "oaths", that I can't believe a word that comes out of her mouth because it was all part of an elaborate manipulation.  

I've learned I didn't even know the person I "loved" for 4 years.  

I'm sorry to hear things didn't go the way you wanted

[HumbleHeart]

HH

It takes two to tango. If she does pursue you with renewed vigour then you still have the choice of whether to acquiesce to her advances. You've admitted that detaching was hard, but it still sounds like you're vulnerable to rekindling with someone who hurt you very bad. She may change however, and it might be possible to go the distance.

Do you accept that the lovely girl you fell in love with was only part of her character and that her dark side is also who she is? If therapy mitigates the darkness you probably won't be left with the wonderful girl you first met.  Could you live happily ever after with a vanilla version of your ex?


Fanny

Those are some good points, idk I guess deep down all I wanted was to be accepted by the girl I fell for

[HumbleHeart]

To say without question that things won't ever change is in my opinion the same as their black and white thinking. It's not the norm in these situations, but it has happened. Never say never.

That being said, my ex has given me countless apologies, and while I believe it is genuine remorse he feels, I've gone back enough times to learn that there's a difference between apologizing and making amends. And by making amends I mean long-term, consistent actions that show an unwavering commitment to getting better. And the ability to be accountable for his mistakes and not try to sweep them under the rug as if it never happened.

In my case, his fear of abandonment runs so deep he doesn't realize that the only way things would change is if he gets better for himself, not because he wants me back. If your ex is determined, she will. But until she makes visible progress, I would keep my distance and try not to get my hopes up.

I'm trying my best, I used to be good at talking to girls but after my relationship it kinda made me anti social towards other women

[HumbleHeart]

My BPDex could not take credit for any negative actions she did. It was always my fault no matter how ridiculous the claim. All the way to the very end. Closure was never an option with her. I'm glad to hear that your ex gave you that benefit of the doubt. I've thought about that for a long time. Like when or if she would ever clue into her horrible behaviours and irrational bickering. I know I'll never get an apology from her. She's too self centered of a person

Sorry to hear that, never say never though

[Lonely_Astro]

Sorry to hear that, never say never though

I'll just say it's highly improbable then 

Oh, and IF they did change, I'd immediately go buy a lottery ticket because the universe just gave you the sign you're about to be a multimillionaire.

[peace74]

I'll just say it's highly improbable then 

Oh, and IF they did change, I'd immediately go buy a lottery ticket because the universe just gave you the sign you're about to be a multimillionaire.

Thanks Lonely_Astro this made me     

[Schermarhorn]

My ex would apologize. Then slowly start to blame me afterward.

[bdyw8]

Me too - I would get a sincere apology with tears and all, and within a week, she would be going back on every word of her apology and blaming me again and making me out to be crazy.

Why do I still want her back?   Sigh... .:'(

[HopefulDad]

"That's very big of you to say that.  It means a lot to me.  Thank you.  Despite our differences, I've always hoped you find happiness.  I still do.  I believe you will find it if you haven't already.  I wish you nothing but the best.  Bye."

[Lonely_Astro]

Me too - I would get a sincere apology with tears and all, and within a week, she would be going back on every word of her apology and blaming me again and making me out to be crazy.

Why do I still want her back?   Sigh... .:'(

Ah, yes the classic "I'm sorry I got caught but it's your fault" apology.  I think we've all been there.

But, I miss J sometimes too.  It's been a lot more here the past few days. I miss her companionship, but I also know that she was just as fake as she was real to me... .as much as a paradox that is.

[bdyw8]

But, I miss J sometimes too.  It's been a lot more here the past few days. I miss her companionship, but I also know that she was just as fake as she was real to me... .as much as a paradox that is.

I agree, I think (hope) it's the companionship I miss the most.  All the "good times" I ruminate on were few and far between.  And as time went on, they became fewer and further between.  Sometimes I feel like I need someone to give me a good hard slap in the face to wake me up out of this delusional state of mind.

[zeus123]

HH, pray to god that hopefully it's over for good! if it's over, it's very good news for you. you can't see it now but one day you will...