What is the deal with BPD and selective memory?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Can anyone elaborate on this phenomenon?

Example: one of the reasons my BPD gf gave for breaking up with me was that I was always rude to the people who served us at restaurants. While this was not only false, there was plenty of evidence for the contrary. For instance one time where the waitress offered me a beer and I asked for whatever she suggested and then when she asked me how it was I said "umm, It's ok". I then spent the next 10 - 15 minutes worrying about offending her (and discussing it with BPDex who at the time thought I didn't need to worry about it), and ended up apologizing to the waitress saying that I wasn't meaning to be rude etc"... .

Like, how could she make this blanket statement, then fail to see big factual examples like the one above?

[woofbarkmeowbeep]

Can anyone elaborate on this phenomenon?

Example: one of the reasons my BPD gf gave for breaking up with me was that I was always rude to the people who served us at restaurants. While this was not only false, there was plenty of evidence for the contrary. For instance one time where the waitress offered me a beer and I asked for whatever she suggested and then when she asked me how it was I said "umm, It's ok". I then spent the next 10 - 15 minutes worrying about offending her (and discussing it with BPDex who at the time thought I didn't need to worry about it), and ended up apologizing to the waitress saying that I wasn't meaning to be rude etc"... .

Like, how could she make this blanket statement, then fail to see big factual examples like the one above?

[Mr. Magnet]

They are crazy.

[Hindsight2020]

When I went to restaurants with my ex. If I had an ounce of joy in my voice when I spoke to a waitress for my order it meant I was "trying to pick her up". If I went to the bathroom at the restaurant she would accuse me of taking the waitress in there with me. Completely delusional

[Confused108]

They are crazy.

you got that RIGHT!

[Confused108]

I have also delt with this. My ex would remember what she wanted too. Of course none of the bad crap she pulled on me as a teen. When she would make comments about her past lovers I would just give my 2 cents. Well we all k ow how they take things to the extreme! She started getting nasty saying do I think I'm better then them and I want to go a beat up her boss and one of her exs was sweets and she just wanted to remain friends etc. I needed anger management. When is reality I never said anything bad about anyone. She had gotten into something with her boss and started taking crap about her. When I stuck up for my ex as anyone would she again reversed things on me that it was me saying all this. Crazy beyond crazy!

[woofbarkmeowbeep]

When I went to restaurants with my ex. If I had an ounce of joy in my voice when I spoke to a waitress for my order it meant I was "trying to pick her up". If I went to the bathroom at the restaurant she would accuse me of taking the waitress in there with me. Completely delusional

Oh damn she was totally the same with me! she said I was either very rude or overly friendly... like what the heck, I'm just being nice to another human being give me a break girl!

[woofbarkmeowbeep]

I have also delt with this. My ex would remember what she wanted too. Of course none of the bad crap she pulled on me as a teen. When she would make comments about her past lovers I would just give my 2 cents. Well we all k ow how they take things to the extreme! She started getting nasty saying do I think I'm better then them and I want to go a beat up her boss and one of her exs was sweets and she just wanted to remain friends etc. I needed anger management. When is reality I never said anything bad about anyone. She had gotten into something with her boss and started taking crap about her. When I stuck up for my ex as anyone would she again reversed things on me that it was me saying all this. Crazy beyond crazy!

nuts! ... .yeah, my one was all "how dare you use my socks without asking" (which I put on once) whilst simultaneously wearing all my t shirts and slippers every day (I didn't care)... and using stuff like this as justification for me being a bad person and wanting to break up. Well hey hang on - what about you walking out the door and banging your ex boyfriend? what about breaking all these promises you made about actual real meaningful stuff? mannnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn!

[once removed]

people with BPD struggle with a concept called "feelings=facts" (we all do, to varying extents). in this case it sounds like she felt this way but perhaps wasnt honest with you about it?

[woofbarkmeowbeep]

people with BPD struggle with a concept called "feelings=facts" (we all do, to varying extents). in this case it sounds like she felt this way but perhaps wasnt honest with you about it?

I'm not sure... there are a number of things she wrote to me in a letter that were simply selective recollection. Another example - she was telling me how it was too early to talk about love and relationships (in terms of what I had mentioned... yet she told me she loved me and had always loved me on the second day we were together, not to mention imagined having a baby with me... .:/

[once removed]

yet she told me she loved me and had always loved me on the second day we were together, not to mention imagined having a baby with me... .:/

they are certainly highly confusing mixed signals. people with BPD are generally impulsive. it doesnt mean she was lying to you, she quite likely meant it in the moment, or longer. pwBPD also struggle with seeing others as an integrated whole, with both good qualities and flaws, and their perspective tends to swing back and forth between the two (idealization vs devaluation). consistent, continuous, nuanced feelings that grow with time tend to be unsustainable. and if someone tells you they love you on the second day you are together that is likely not sustainable either. pedestals have a way of eroding. falling from them hurts, shocks, and would confuse anyone  .

from https://bpdfamily.com/content/surviving-break-when-your-partner-has-borderline-personality:

6) Clinging to the words that were said

We often cling to the positive words and promises that were voiced and ignore or minimalize the negative actions. “But she said she would love me forever” Many wonderful and expressive things may have been said during the course of the relationship, but people suffering with BPD traits are dreamers, they can be fickle, and they over-express emotions like young children – often with little thought for long term implications. You must let go of the words. It may break your heart to do so. But the fact is, the actions - all of them - are the truth.

[iluminati]

once removed said the bulk of what I was thinking.  Another thought is that you might have said something to the waiter or waitress that she either took offense to or would have taken offense to if said to her and rolled with it.  The whole emotional third degree burn thing is real, and things that wouldn't set most people off will set people with BPD off.

[woofbarkmeowbeep]

people with BPD struggle with a concept called "feelings=facts" (we all do, to varying extents). in this case it sounds like she felt this way but perhaps wasnt honest with you about it?

Yeah, by the letter she wrote it seemed she felt a lot of ways about a lot of things but wasn't honest with me about any of it. Which was a shame, as I really made a big point about discussing stuff as it comes up... Obviously I forgot/didn't realise who/what I was dealing with.

[once removed]

its worth noting that what was written in the letter may also have been how she felt at the time, and not necessarily a bigger picture. any relationship is going to be pretty challenged when theres a lack of communication.

[peace74]

Hey been a couple days but just wanted to comment.  My BPDh of 8 yrs. has left and returned several times.  Since he did it so many times I started picking up on patterns.  First of all, the reasons he gave for leaving were not based on any reality I could see.  And it was a different reason each time.  The very last time after moving back in for 4 months after being separated over a year he said "he didn't know why" he left again.  I think this was the truth or close to the truth.  I'm not sure if he's aware of his attachment/abandonment issues but I think he definitely knows he's compelled to run.  The first several times I think he knew it wasn't right or logical but had to come up with a reason to explain it cause he was doing it anyway.

Anyway, it sounded like your ex was purposefully picking something you were insecure about at the time (worried you were rude to the waitress) as a reason to divert attention or deny the real reason which comes down to the BPD.  Maybe she thought there was more of a chance you would accept that as being valid since you were concerned about it at the time.  This is using their manipulation skills.  They will use all kinds of techniques (consciously and unconsciously) to avoid seeing, accepting, or taking responsibility for their disorder or actions.  I think this is why they have selective memory also.  Memories will change to support their version of reality.  Sometimes they are aware they are doing this and sometimes they aren't. 

[steelwork]

people with BPD struggle with a concept called "feelings=facts" (we all do, to varying extents). in this case it sounds like she felt this way but perhaps wasnt honest with you about it?

This one piece of information, or this clear way of expressing it, has helped me more than any other thing I've learned. 

[once removed]

im glad you found it helpful, steelwork, its worth looking into. two people tend to have two different perspectives or realities. our perception/reality of our relationship, or any given fight for that matter, was very different than our partners. its why so many of us fell into circular arguments, trying to come up with bullet proof arguments/facts/logic/our version of reality and saw it fall on deaf ears (or at least i sure did!). its a dynamic that actually tends to apply to both partners both ways.

off the top of my head, i remember a fight where my ex insisted on her version of events, i insisted on mine. i wasnt willing to fight about it. i told her that we were both entitled to our realities and she was not going to take mine away from me. she got angrier. she insisted that her version of reality was reality and therefore i wasnt entitled to my version. feelings=facts.

on the other hand, we had a fight where i had factual evidence that countered her version of reality. she insisted "yeah but i FEEL this way". im guessing i told her that was irrational/insane/psychotic. we were trading places.

feelings are always valid and never "wrong", they just are. that doesnt make them facts, and we dont have to act on our feelings. ideally, we do balance our feelings with logic (or facts) even when they conflict (though sometimes we conveniently align the "facts" to our feelings). people with BPD struggle with this tremendously (think black and white thinking), not 100% of the time, but especially when it involves an attachment. so, just for example, if you are a person who is hypervigilant in looking for any sign of abandonment, real or imagined, youre likely to do just that, and when you feel youve found that sign, your feelings are reinforced, and the "fact" could become that your partner is cheating on you.

you will also frantically avoid that sense of abandonment and may devalue and abandon your partner before they abandon you. in that state of mind, you blame your partner and deflect responsibility, so if you, say, told a waitress the beverage she recommended was just okay, its suddenly a valid reason to abandon you.

its why validation is so important, its why so many of us felt we were experiencing another persons selective memory. going forward, it helps to accept a persons reality as their reality, even if it is fleeting. to enforce our reality on someone else tends to only reinforce their point of view. that applies when its done to us as well.

[Beacher]

I actually thought I was losing my mind. We would exchange words and while trying to resolve it he would completely deny what he had said 3 minutes before. "I was there, I know exactly what I said" and create a completely different word exchange! We would have circular arguments about it forever and I would grow so tired and try to leave the room. One time I recorded us just to see if I was missing something and I was truly wrong.

[letmeout]

Good post, once removed. My ex had an impossible time of distinguishing between real and imaginary issues. Unfortunately, 90% of the time settling on the imaginary ones. Whenever he realized he was wrong, he would always blame others because he couldn't deal with feeling shame for being wrong.

Plus nothing would trigger him to act out more then when he was feeling jealousy. It was the powder keg fuse that always lead to most of his imaginary issues.

KA-BOOM!

[joeramabeme]

she insisted that her version of reality was reality and therefore i wasnt entitled to my version. feelings=facts.

on the other hand, we had a fight where i had factual evidence that countered her version of reality. she insisted "yeah but i FEEL this way". im guessing i told her that was irrational/insane/psychotic. we were trading places.

its why validation is so important, its why so many of us felt we were experiencing another persons selective memory. going forward, it helps to accept a persons reality as their reality, even if it is fleeting. to enforce our reality on someone else tends to only reinforce their point of view. that applies when its done to us as well.

Great post Once Removed.  I just wanted to re-emphasize what you said about the invalidation.  If I could do my r/s all over again, with my newfound knowledge about BPD, I would have stopped responding so literally to everything she said and distilled the feelings from what she was saying.

Almost every argument we had never centered around the facts of the matter, rather her feelings about those facts.  I know she tried to see my point of view and simply got ticked off that I did not understand her.  She was aware enough to even tell me; "my feelings are never wrong".  Of course she is right, feelings are never wrong.  But being insecure about my own perceptions, I had to argue and tell her that her feelings were not substantiated with facts so her conclusions were wrong.  LOL!  Talk about totally tripping the wires of this disorder. 

As a non - I still struggle to not replay the stories over and over in the arena of emotion versus logic.  Glad I am have BPD Family to keep the guardrails up.

Thanks again.

[Schermarhorn]

My ex justified all the things to me during the relationship, for something I said at the end of the relationship.

They have really distorted memories.