She just seems to be living different life

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Ok. She lost custody of her children seven years ago to first husband. I'm pretty certain due to partying and hanging out with not the best people.  Then she married her second husband and he was more subdued.  Didn't drink much. More "normal" or reserved.  In fact she mentioned a couple of times they went out and she felt judged for having had a good time.

Then for two years with me, we drank some for sure.  But didn't really go to clubs per se. The occasional karoke bar or shoot pool. 

But since she left me two months ago she's going to singles bars, sports bars, other clubs with new friends. And the friends she is making on Facebook look like players. Whether it be men or women. They look like they live for the bar scene.  All of them.

It's as if she's a different person

Well she agreed to go to see a concert tomorrow night with me. Probably not high on her list of people to see though it will be good.   And dinner of course.

She's a beautiful woman. Has all her new bar friends. And I have to believe she could get a free dinner and drinks any night of the week and have her ego stroked by all the attention from them.

She Also agreed to go see a musical on Valentine's weekend (Friday). It's her favor hit movie in the world. Again.  No doubt she could go out with anyone she wants that weekend. It's not like she "needs" me.

I'm just wondering if maybe she's not finding the bar scene as fulfilling as she would always want. And what's her motivation agreeing to go to these couple things with me while hanging out and seemingly loving that single bar life and supposedly loving it.

Could she have any conflict at all? 

[Scopikaz]

Ok. She lost custody of her children seven years ago to first husband. I'm pretty certain due to partying and hanging out with not the best people.  Then she married her second husband and he was more subdued.  Didn't drink much. More "normal" or reserved.  In fact she mentioned a couple of times they went out and she felt judged for having had a good time.

Then for two years with me, we drank some for sure.  But didn't really go to clubs per se. The occasional karoke bar or shoot pool. 

But since she left me two months ago she's going to singles bars, sports bars, other clubs with new friends. And the friends she is making on Facebook look like players. Whether it be men or women. They look like they live for the bar scene.  All of them.

It's as if she's a different person

Well she agreed to go to see a concert tomorrow night with me. Probably not high on her list of people to see though it will be good.   And dinner of course.

She's a beautiful woman. Has all her new bar friends. And I have to believe she could get a free dinner and drinks any night of the week and have her ego stroked by all the attention from them.

She Also agreed to go see a musical on Valentine's weekend (Friday). It's her favor hit movie in the world. Again.  No doubt she could go out with anyone she wants that weekend. It's not like she "needs" me.

I'm just wondering if maybe she's not finding the bar scene as fulfilling as she would always want. And what's her motivation agreeing to go to these couple things with me while hanging out and seemingly loving that single bar life and supposedly loving it.

Could she have any conflict at all? 

[fromheeltoheal]

It's as if she's a different person

Yes, someone with an unstable sense of self and a need to attach is going to become whomever they need to be in a situation to "fit in" and affect attachments.  We all do that to some extent, more so when we're young and finding our way, but for a borderline it's mandatory.

Well she agreed to go to see a concert tomorrow night with me. Probably not high on her list of people to see though it will be good.   And dinner of course.

She's a beautiful woman. Has all her new bar friends. And I have to believe she could get a free dinner and drinks any night of the week and have her ego stroked by all the attention from them.

She Also agreed to go see a musical on Valentine's weekend (Friday). It's her favor hit movie in the world. Again.  No doubt she could go out with anyone she wants that weekend. It's not like she "needs" me.

I'm just wondering if maybe she's not finding the bar scene as fulfilling as she would always want. And what's her motivation agreeing to go to these couple things with me while hanging out and seemingly loving that single bar life and supposedly loving it.

Could she have any conflict at all? 

What do you want Scopi?  It's beneficial to get very clear on what you want and need in a relationship and whether or not she could, would, or is even capable of giving it to you.

No doubt she could go out with anyone she wants that weekend. It's not like she "needs" me.

Do you need her to need you?  Are you competing with her new friends for her attention?

And what's her motivation agreeing to go to these couple things with me while hanging out and seemingly loving that single bar life and supposedly loving it.

That's a really good question.  Think about it: if you were in a close, intimate relationship you could ask her, and she would tell you, openly and honestly.  Was that the case in your relationship, could you have conversations like that?

My guess, in the case of a borderline, is to see if an emotional attachment with you is still in place, which it is.  Borderlines hate to lose attachments, and seeing that one is still in place with someone will make her feel good in the moment, which may or may not mean anything beyond that. 

So what do you want from her?  What are your goals?  Can they be met with her?

[Scopikaz]

In terms of goals honestly as someone put it she doesn't have anything to offer financially, spiritually, emotionally. She has little to offer in any of those ways.   So from

That sense I don't think she would help me grow in any of those areas towards a future or In terms of direction in life.

And as far as her new friends. I wouldn't say I'm competing with them. More Just that they are people who it seems won't give her any direction in life either.  And rather than making her a better person in any way will keep her down and not improve her situation at all.

I just still can't find the strength to go no contact fully and shut her out of my life and I wish I could. I know until I do so I can't fully move on.

Lastly about her changing to fit in with others, in some ways she's reverting I think to what she knows. What she was several years ago before I knew her.  She lost custody of her children to her first husband.  I think the reason she lost custody is because she was hanging out with the same kind of people as she is now.  Bars. People with no direction who like to party etc.

[fromheeltoheal]

I just still can't find the strength to go no contact fully and shut her out of my life and I wish I could. I know until I do so I can't fully move on.

Yes, I understand Scopi.  Going from a sliver of hope that it could work out to no hope at all is a huge leap.  We don't have to do much though, it's a letting go, and letting go doesn't take much effort, just let go.  Difficult though, because of what we make it mean.  That can be a fruitful place to look: why are we drawn to someone who "doesn't have anything to offer financially, spiritually, emotionally"?  The conflict between our heart and our head that most of us experience.

One tack is instead of fighting something, create something new; instead of 'finding the strength', create it.  Wishing and hoping are powerless really, where creating is powerful.  If you were to create a vision for your future, the life of your dreams, what would that look like?  Once we get very clear on a vision for our future, then make it big and bright, compelling so that it pulls us towards it, then take steps in that direction, notice a little progress, take more steps, which builds momentum, and we start thriving because we say so, and before we know it we're living that life, and the borderline just fades into the past, which might have been the original point, but now somehow it just doesn't matter, and we pause to reflect that the relationship was actually a gift, because look how awesome our life has become, what we created yes, but the original motivation came from a painful time.  It's a brand new day... .

So as a focus shift, what does your bright future look like?

[Scopikaz]

In a word marriage with someone I love. I have a good job. Family. Friends.  Health overall. Good house. Lots of stuff. Just no one to share it with. 

Sorry. I know I should be happy alone. But truthfully I have the desire to be happily married.   Why is that a bad thing?

[fromheeltoheal]

Sorry. I know I should be happy alone. But truthfully I have the desire to be happily married.   Why is that a bad thing?

No one said having a desire to be happily married is a bad thing.  And you said:

she doesn't have anything to offer financially, spiritually, emotionally. She has little to offer in any of those ways.   So from that sense I don't think she would help me grow in any of those areas towards a future or In terms of direction in life.

So it's not possible to be happily married to her, she's not the one.  And the benefit of becoming happy on our own is that we can go into a new relationship to give instead of get; we're not looking for someone to fill us up, complete us, because we're already full, already complete.  So if she isn't the one, it's helpful to start to shift the focus from her to you and from the past to the future, as you build the life of your dreams, and in the process become mighty attractive to your future wife, in a relationship that will benefit from all the growth you're doing during this detachment.  Take care of you!