Should I contact her?

[Saradane]

Hey guys, I need advice... .

Me and my xBPDgf got into a huge blowout fight at breakfast yesterday for no reason. Her mood turned and started attacking me emotionally.

We haven't talked since yesterday morning. I was expecting her to call me last night after she cooled down, but she didn't. Should I call her today? i keep telling myself that if I call her first, she'll have the power and control in this situation.

What should I do?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[sweetheart]

Hi saradane,

If you want to contact her, then do. Maybe send a short text saying   want to get a coffee or whatever you like to do together.

Then it's up to her to reply, at least you won't have a dilemma about not having contacted her.

I understand that she is your exgf, but this is the place to look at the possibility of reparation,( I'm assuming that is what you want ) so reaching out to her from a place of kindness and concern might be good for both of you.

Let us know how you get on.

[livednlearned]

Hi Saradane,

I'm sorry things went badly at breakfast yesterday. Interpersonal relationships are really really hard for someone with BPD, and impulses are hard to control. Plus, she feels her emotions intensely. It's possible she was doing really well for a stretch, containing things, and she just triggered and blew up.

She probably feels bad about what happened. She may not show it.

A light text message similar to what sweetheart suggested can let her know you have emotional strength to recover and move on.

What do you mean by her having power/control in this situation if you call her first? Who usually makes the first contact after a fight?

[Saradane]

She usually makes the first contact.

I called her and we ended up spending the whole day together. It was a constant back and forth push/pull with her all day. It's confusing and I don't know why. Her mood changes in seconds, I feel so happy, then I feel confused, helpless, and finally lost. It's never been this bad. Only since we broke up.

[livednlearned]

Are there new stresses in her life that might explain why her moods are more volatile?

Are there any patterns in your dynamics that you can pinpoint, like topics that trigger her, or ways the two of you communicate?

Sometimes we can make small corrections in the way we communicate that can have a noticeable impact. Does she respond to validation?

[Md993]

Most therapists would suggest that you not contact her, especially when she is so labile emotionally, as that is the response she wants. She wants to be chased and shown how much you want her and therefore reassured. That gives her control. It unfortunately also reinforces her bad behavior.

[Saradane]

She doesn't really respond to validation, but it calms her to a minor extent.

She is going through a lot right now in her personal life with stress and school and even some money problems.