Anyone not replaced?

[Wantingtochange]

I know we seem to all have many things in common with are shared experiences and our BPD's. There are so many stories of everyone being left/or leaving the relationship and shortly after, being replaced. I encountered this many times with my exBPD. Mine has been in therapy for over a year, in DBT for around 6 months, and takes her medication like clock work.

I have not however, read of any stories of someone in DBT who after the relationship ending, did not replace you whether it be in a committed relationship, casual dating, or FWB.

So has anyone encountered this? The exBPD actually stays single on all levels and there wasn't a replacement?

Just curious... .

[JRT]

Its been a coming upon a year an a half since my exBPDfiance suddenly and unexpectedly disappeared and blocked me... .I have not spoke with her or communicated with her at all since then but for this reason or that, I believe that she is not only not seeing anyone, but not dating at all (its consistent with what I know about her past relationships - she has a tendency of sitting out for long periods)... .

... .the replacement, however, doesn't need to be a romantic one. In her case, she triangulated with her adult son who she raged against constantly (she never raged at me EVER)... .this fulfilled her 'need'. In this case, however, he left and joined the service just last week. I don't expect to ever see or hear from her again, but if there ever was a time that it is possible, its now. 

[Wantingtochange]

... .the replacement, however, doesn't need to be a romantic one.

A very interesting perspective, one I did not consider. I will definitely give that some thought. Thank you for your input.

For the last two decades mine has either been with her ex or me so as far as I know there were lapses without someone involved. With that said, she wasn't in therapy and was untreated during those times.

She is now pouring herself into her jobs, kids, and her new house... .The first time on her own in years.

[JRT]

... .the replacement, however, doesn't need to be a romantic one.

A very interesting perspective, one I did not consider. I will definitely give that some thought. Thank you for your input.

For the last two decades mine has either been with her ex or me so as far as I know there were lapses without someone involved. With that said, she wasn't in therapy and was untreated during those times.

She is now pouring herself into her jobs, kids, and her new house... .The first time on her own in years.

It seems counter to the BPD 'conventional wisdom' doesn't it... .but the attachment can be all of those things that you mention according to what I have come to understand.

[iluminati]

Personally, I've never seen.  On the boards, it only happens when someone with BPD is in such dire straits that they are barely leaving the house, and they are parasuicidal.  Generally speaking, if someone with BPD is in way functional enough to conduct social relations, they'll attach.  The thing is that there comes a point where even people with BPD can't function.

[FannyB]

Personally, I've never seen.  On the boards, it only happens when someone with BPD is in such dire straits that they are barely leaving the house, and they are parasuicidal.  Generally speaking, if someone with BPD is in way functional enough to conduct social relations, they'll attach.  The thing is that there comes a point where even people with BPD can't function.

Mine has been so angst-ridden she wasn't capable of logging on and dating after me. It will be interesting to see what she does when she stabilises.  I think that for some of them they may get to an age when they are so disillusioned with all the break-ups that they simply call it a day and revert to hermit mode. 


Fanny

[zeus123]

replaced or not?. when it comes to someone with BPD we will never know the truth. she could be seeing someone while she was with you or maybe not, she could have someone after the relationship ended or maybe not. you could be the third person this week who is being devalued or idealized,or you could be the tenth this year. BPD's are so secretive and they could easily embellish the truth and hide emotional and physical affairs from their partners. instead of calling it "replacement", i prefer more the term"another source of NARCISSISTIC SUPPLY".

[GreenEyedMonster]

I haven't been replaced.

My ex is not physically attractive, dresses in old clothes from Goodwill, chews with his mouth open, double dips, shares obnoxious opinions in groups, pees on the toilet seat, and earns an income that places him well below the poverty level.  His house looks like an episode of hoarders, he can't sleep in his room because it's full of toys, his cats climb the curtains, almost all of the appliances are broken, etc. 

So I don't think it's from lack of trying . . . but it takes a special person to be attracted to this guy and look past all this.

This is why he's still lurking around me so much.  I might cause him serious narcissistic injury because I know what he's like, but he can't find anything better.

[Infern0]

I havent been replaced yet.

My ex does find it somewhat difficult to find guys, because she is annorexic, and is quite out of control most of the time, guys can usually tell that shes a walking distaster. She gets more casual sex than interest in a relationship with her.

I met her during a more stable time plus i'm codependent so i didnt care that she was obviously damaged.

[Wantingtochange]

 All very interesting points. Mine is very attractive with an out going personality. I would be surprised if there isn't someone else on some level. I know how focused she is on her life but I can't imagine her having someone on some level. She simply hates being alone.

[SummerStorm]

My BPD friend isn't very stable right now, so I think she is having a hard time finding someone.  She had a boyfriend last year who lasted six months.  Nice guy, very good-looking, stable job, stable home, nice group of close friends, saved her life when she tried to commit suicide.  Since then, she's gone through multiple guys.  The longest one lasted less than two months.  I predicted that breakup because his birthday and Thanksgiving were only a few days apart.  The day after Thanksgiving, she broke up with him. 

I doubt she has trouble finding someone to have sex with, but a long-term relationship probably isn't in the cards for her right now or in the near future. 

She also works second shift, from about 2 or 3 in the afternoon until about midnight, and often works the entire weekend.  That doesn't really allow for a lot of dating, at least not nice dates.   

[shatra]

Green eyed wrote---

This is why he's still lurking around me so much.  I might cause him serious narcissistic injury because I know what he's like, but he can't find anything better.

======Sometimes they find someone "worse" or on a lower level than the ex was... .but not likely in his case since it sounds like socially he's not the greatest. Even if he did, it's likely he will still lurk around you due to the BPD.  I just mean to say that he's not just lurking because he can't find anything better, he's also lurking because it's typical BPD

[AsGoodAsItGets]

Mine had several casual relationship during our relationship.  Some times I really thought she wasn't seeing anyone only to find out she was actually seeing someone for a week and then came back to me.  She would treat me so good for a week, then I'd figure it out.  Oh well. 

[MapleBob]

I'm not sure about mine. I have reason to believe that she briefly rebounded, but it didn't last long (or maybe even didn't happen). I honestly don't think she was dating anyone for most of the weird ten months of limbo that she put me through. Not sure about now. It's inevitable that she will, but I don't really worry about it. If she wanted to be with me she'd be with me, and she won't be a magically different person with anybody else. Good luck to that guy!

[GreenEyedMonster]

Sometimes they find someone "worse" or on a lower level than the ex was... .but not likely in his case since it sounds like socially he's not the greatest. Even if he did, it's likely he will still lurk around you due to the BPD.  I just mean to say that he's not just lurking because he can't find anything better, he's also lurking because it's typical BPD

What I meant by this is that he can't find anything better than someone who will likely cause him narcissistic injury, which is a sign of desperation for someone with NPD/BPD.  As far as better or worse than I was in the beginning . . . I think he'd be lucky to find anyone at all.

[Invictus01]

Not sure if I was replaced immediately or not but all I know is that 13 months later she got engaged... .

[Cane787]

Green Eyed Monster I could tell by this comment you are far too cool for that joke of a human being.

So I don't think it's from lack of trying . . . but it takes a special person to be attracted to this guy and look past all this.

****I enjoy your witty commentary.****

[GreenEyedMonster]

Green Eyed Monster I could tell by this comment you are far too cool for that joke of a human being.

So I don't think it's from lack of trying . . . but it takes a special person to be attracted to this guy and look past all this.

****I enjoy your witty commentary.****

Haha, thanks!  I wish I were saying some of this stuff just to be funny, but my descriptions of my ex are pretty dead on.  He is an intellectual and a very gifted writer and musician.  That is what attracted me to him.  I didn't realize at the time that that was all he had going for him.  Most people out there are shallower and will be put off by his financial problems and his appearance long before they discover his better qualities.

Unfortunately, I'm also coming to the conclusion that he's mostly a narcissist, with some BPD features.  Another reason I haven't been replaced is that he avoids approaching women because rejection is narcissistic injury.  This pretty much dooms him to be alone unless a woman outright chases him -- like I foolishly did.

[Cane787]

I knew there had to be some hidden talent.

That's how it works, doesn't it? Our broken selves are talented enough to see what's unique about these creatures, all to our misfortune, to discover who they truly are.

His loss, our gain. Naturally, I'd rather you be completely healed and not need to be here, but I appreciate your input and wisdom on this site.

[HopefulDad]

I don't think I've been replaced, but she could simply be discreet for the sake of our kids.  My BPDxw is high functioning and was the first to raise the question of how to introduce our children to new love interests with our mediator, so she clearly had it at least on her mind if not already seeing someone.  But even when being discreet, usually there are still signs... ."has plans" when discussing switching custody days, "please don't bring the kids by at xxx o'clock" to avoid being walked in on... .small things like that.  I haven't encountered anything like that.

No sweat off my back whether she's found someone or not.  Our lives are now separate and moving forward in different directions.

[Teereese]

I don't believe I have been replaced ... .not for lack of trying though.

Between his drinking and twisted logic, I think he is scaring the prospects away.

I have been hoping he finds a replacement to take up his time. I no longer care, as the divorce process is coming to a decree 

[Agent_of_Chaos]

Maybe she is genuinely trying to help herself get better and improve her quality of life.

It's rare, but if that's the case, I'm happy for her.

[Confused108]

I do t know if I was replaced or not. My ex had written a message to my ex wife telling me to back off and stay outta her life etc. if I was still married to my wife and we were still together I should back off from her. What the hell does that mean? Well when my ex gave her an earful in a nice way believe it or not my ex told my ex wife that she herself was getting back with her ex husband that is basically just divorced . I was told by a mutual friend it was not true and from what she was saying etc I could tell she was full of sh!t. Anyway she is now back being friends with an ex boyfriend she unfriended for me on FB. She told me this was a guy whom raped her last year in her apartment. Yea I believe that one.

[apollotech]

Everyone is a replacement, whether romantic or not. A pwBPD is trying to satisfy (replace) that very first dysfunctional break from the initial caregiver which caused the BPD (if the disorder is indeed nurture based). IMO, whether seen or not, there is always an attachment to someone or something.

[Ab123]

I think my ex was triangulating with an adult child in the month leading to our breakup, as his rages and mixed signals toward me were worsening. He has actually criticized my desire to move on and date, arguing that I should be happy being single (and stay casually available for him as he avoids commitment.). I suspect he won't move on with a new romance until there is some kind of rift with his kid. At the moment, he seems to completely identify with his child (everything is "we". He started making weird comments to me about not wanting to desert his child in a time of need by being with me, when I was in now way interfering and his child and I get along well. But, now I see that he can't be "we" with the child and think about a future relationship/partnership with me. It's like he can't process it. (Even though I am positive the child would prefer to have less focus from dad, and that dad be happy and busy while maintaining normal parent/child support.  I think the adult child feels a bit suffocated but is too financially dependent to complain much.)

I just started reading about BPD parent/child relationships. Whatever doubt I had about my ex's diagnosis is gone. It's actually shocking how precisely he fits the pattern.  It's just so disconcerting because there isn't any trace of NPD. He really wants to be a good man, and help (via extreme control) people he is closest to. He just breaks down and rages any time he is thwarted or is setback or is overwhelmed/afraid.

[JRT]

I think my ex was triangulating with an adult child in the month leading to our breakup, as his rages and mixed signals toward me were worsening. He has actually criticized my desire to move on and date, arguing that I should be happy being single (and stay casually available for him as he avoids commitment.). I suspect he won't move on with a new romance until there is some kind of rift with his kid. At the moment, he seems to completely identify with his child (everything is "we". He started making weird comments to me about not wanting to desert his child in a time of need by being with me, when I was in now way interfering and his child and I get along well. But, now I see that he can't be "we" with the child and think about a future relationship/partnership with me. It's like he can't process it. (Even though I am positive the child would prefer to have less focus from dad, and that dad be happy and busy while maintaining normal parent/child support.  I think the adult child feels a bit suffocated but is too financially dependent to complain much.)

I just started reading about BPD parent/child relationships. Whatever doubt I had about my ex's diagnosis is gone. It's actually shocking how precisely he fits the pattern.  It's just so disconcerting because there isn't any trace of NPD. He really wants to be a good man, and help (via extreme control) people he is closest to. He just breaks down and rages any time he is thwarted or is setback or is overwhelmed/afraid.

I can identify a bit with this.

My ex had a son that had just graduated from High School and decided to move in with his step dad after living with mom almost exclusively all of his life. She never raged at me, but she raged at him incessantly (almost deservedly; he was quite the miscreant) to the extent that I had to remind her that it was her son and not a mass murderer, she treated him very poorly. Its funny: although she raged at him, she and I almost never argued over the course of our 2 year relationship.

He moved out and she moved into my place... .that lasted a total of 3 weeks as she literally disappeared when I went out of town for work. Life with dad was , apparently, not as junior had imagined and he moved back in with mom; she had her supply back. That was almost a year and a half ago and I have not heard a word from her at all.

The interesting epilogue to the story is that he applied and was accepted into the Marine Corps and shipped out last week. I'm curious if anything will change in her world; I know that there is no replacement as of yet... .I saw a recent picture of her... .she looks like crap as if she aged 10 years. Incredible... .

[BorisAcusio]

That was almost a year and a half ago and I have not heard a word from her at all.

The interesting epilogue to the story is that he applied and was accepted into the Marine Corps and shipped out last week. I'm curious if anything will change in her world; I know that there is no replacement as of yet... .I saw a recent picture of her... .she looks like crap as if she aged 10 years. Incredible... .

Hi JRT,

It's been over a year of no contact from her side. Is it healthy to keep tabs with what is your ex up?

[JRT]

That was almost a year and a half ago and I have not heard a word from her at all.

The interesting epilogue to the story is that he applied and was accepted into the Marine Corps and shipped out last week. I'm curious if anything will change in her world; I know that there is no replacement as of yet... .I saw a recent picture of her... .she looks like crap as if she aged 10 years. Incredible... .

Hi JRT,

It's been over a year of no contact from her side. Is it healthy to keep tabs with what is your ex up?

Why do you ask?

[abq1980]

Boris- I think it is totally fine to keep tabs on our exes as long as it is done in a healthy manner.  While I am no longer in love my ex, I will always love her.  My therapist knows I am going to look at mementos and check her FB, so she advises me to set time aside each day to do so.  I have found that since I no longer try to hide the fact that I check out her social media and look at her photo albums, I do it less and less.  I have also noticed that her FB no longer upsets me the way it used to. Maybe one day I will be completely weened off of checking social media, but not today, and that's okay.

As far as replacements are concerned- I think she has dated (unsure if it lasted- no new pictures of the two of them for two months), but no one can replace me! I just started actively trying to date, and I've noticed that my confidence is much higher than it was before my relationship with my now ex wife.  I know I bring a lot to the table, now I just have to find the right woman who sees that too.

[JRT]

Boris- I think it is totally fine to keep tabs on our exes as long as it is done in a healthy manner.  While I am no longer in love my ex, I will always love her.  My therapist knows I am going to look at mementos and check her FB, so she advises me to set time aside each day to do so.  I have found that since I no longer try to hide the fact that I check out her social media and look at her photo albums, I do it less and less.  I have also noticed that her FB no longer upsets me the way it used to. Maybe one day I will be completely weened off of checking social media, but not today, and that's okay.

As far as replacements are concerned- I think she has dated (unsure if it lasted- no new pictures of the two of them for two months), but no one can replace me! I just started actively trying to date, and I've noticed that my confidence is much higher than it was before my relationship with my now ex wife.  I know I bring a lot to the table, now I just have to find the right woman who sees that too.

Nice reply ABQ... .I feel the same way... .However, the question from Boris should have been, 'How did you find this out'. I really don't check on her: others do.,,,and tell me.