Any lessons specifically for adults of long term abuse?

[purekalm]

Hello,

So, I've read some of the survivors guide and I'll admit I'm not the best at navigating this site, but are there specific lessons I can do by myself like there is for understanding BPD and things?

I need help, and before I was too afraid to ask or admit that. If there's any one thing pushing me to do this it's my son. He has had an EXTREMELY rocky start and I already know will have some issues possibly PTSD from infant trauma and resulting tests and things he was forced to do after for a very long period of time. Not to mention surgery (not abuse related) and many other things. I never wanted any of this for him and I still blame myself no matter what anyone says because if I hadn't chosen my husband for his dad it never would've happened.

After being majorly re traumatized by everything when my son was only almost three months old, nothing has been the same and depression has all but taken over my life. About two years ago I finally started to peer through the fog and in the past week been faced with and accepted I have some issues that are high in scale.

For the past two months my son (who has autism and didn't start speaking in short sentences until 5, he's 6 now) has started saying "Mommy happy?" and checking my mood. Even so far as to break down crying if I don't say yes. He's normally sensitive. I don't even do anything usually to warrant his question. I'm being firm telling him no about something or trying to explain something and I'm assuming he perceives it "Mommy's not happy so I need to make sure she's happy and everything is ok then" type thing.

To be fair, we aren't in the best situation with his dad constantly flipping over something or not being present, or present physically but not otherwise. My dad and his random acts of craziness, both my parents either coddling or completely shutting him out, my mom's "take over" my parenting, which drives me insane, just about literally.

I don't want him in this environment, but my options are extremely limited. I realize the way he's starting to behave is warning signs to me that not only does he need help and for me to get him out of this situation, but that I have some serious issues that are stunting me from being able to provide what he needs.

So, to me, no one is safe. Not here, not anywhere. Not only has it been proven, but it's true. There are hackers that could easily take control of this site and re traumatize anyone who has used it by posting personal conversations and posts in general. Likely? Probably not, but possible. I'm not posting here because I feel it's safe. I'm posting because with my history having child abuse, even when I was never blamed or did anything wrong, I'm automatically judged and treated unfairly. It's not my assumption, I've been through it enough times to know it's the truth.

I don't have the tools to heal, and I desperately need them. Any of my family are not safe people. My brother is the only one I can talk to sometimes. My old pastor stopped talking to me because I never progressed as fast as she wanted me too. A woman of faith I used to talk to I stopped calling because she never made an effort to contact me after a while. I'm tired of doing all the work. I'm busy too and yet I can pick up a phone. There is one person I talk to here that doesn't judge me harshly but it wouldn't be unfair to rely on him for everything so I don't . I used to have a church until they lied and told me my son wanted me, but in reality his autistic tendency to "do his own thing" was too much for them to handle and haven't been able to find a place yet where we both can be accepted. I don't blame them for not being able to handle him, but for the lie when they could have just told me the truth.

I quite literally have no one but God, and that isn't fair to my son. I need help so I can help and be there for him WAY more than I am now. Any resources? I will look them up but have no money to purchase anything. Things dealing specifically with long term type or complex PTSD and dissociative amnesia would be particularly helpful. I may have forgiven my abusers but the effects still remain and I don't want to live another day in this mental hell.

Please advise, Purekalm

[Harri]

Check out moodgym.  It is a two week online cbt course that is free.

Posting here about my feelings and processing certain events on the board has helped me a lot too.  Please do not underestimate the healing and changes in you that can occur right here.

Check out Pete Walkers website.  He has lots of info on complex ptsd.  Google radical acceptance and search this site for it too.

Sorry I cant give direct links right now.  On tablet and I suck at using it.  There is so much more I want to say to you but for now I will just say that I am so glad you shared this part of yourself.  It takes courage to bare yourself like that.  So many people can relate and can guide and support you.

[Turkish]

Here's the link to Mood Gym:

https://bpdfamily.com/bpdresources/nk_a111.htm

It sounds triggering to have your son ask you that. Could he also be checking in with you emotionally because he isn't sure of his own emotions?

We often talk here about mirroring, mostly in the context of romantic relationships where a partner may mirror due to an unstable sense of self. Not all mirroring, however, is bad.  Can you  mirror him back turning it around and asking him if he is happy?

[sheishei]

Hello , i read your post and you seem very stressed out, i can see why, having someone depending on you to be okay, when you´re not okay is totally overwhelming, first i think you should try to calm, even in the hardest moment one should learn to remain calm, i know this seems impossible, as for your family i would have a serious distance, you´re alone, but they are not being of any positive help to you, so by having them away, physically or spiritually might be of help, for you , and so, for your son, that way you would have something less to worry about. Healing from abuse is a long process, this why i say you must try to stay calmed , talking about it is a good start and i´m sure in this site you can get a lot of support that truly know what it is like to go through that path, if you can´t afford therapy sesions i recommend then getting books, they help a lot, you will be surprise by how much they can do, one must first understand, so you can fix.

Maybe going to other churches, there you could find some other people, more comprehensive and maybe there are support groups for parents with autistic childs, this support groups could be of great help to and there are also support groups for people who suffered abuse , like must of us in this site, and those are free , if you go to social services , child protection they are very likely to know about this groups, these are free, so this is a good way to start. if you don´t want your family to harass you you could have a restraining order, or a temporary one until you are more stable and can handle the situations better or maybe under certain conditions.

I hope you get the support you need, one step at a time .

[purekalm]

That's ok about not having direct links Harri, Google or other search engines helps with that.   I appreciate the info and will look it up after writing this.

Funny thing, writing has always been a therapeutic thing for me. I used poems as a way to express the feelings I wasn't allowed to have as a child and teen. I've started and subsequently threw away a ton of journals for fear someone would find it and call me crazy.

You know, I think even though I never intended too, I have underestimated it. Partly because it's terrifying to share things I never have before with total strangers as I was forced through threats NOT to tell anyone how I felt or what was going on as a child. Add to that my natural tendency to help people and my role as 'saviour' in my family, my history with child abuse (for myself and then again what happened to my son) and you get one pretty closed up piece of work! There's this paranoia that if anyone "official" finds out I need help mentally, somehow my son will be taken from me. It's so infuriating to be told as a new first time mom that I'm not good enough because of what happened and then have that be expressed through every official I was forced to communicate with as well as my family, especially my mom. They knew I was innocent, but that didn't stop my mom from taking over or all her and my dad's comments about how I can do things better. Even recently her asking me why I don't seem to have that "something" that her  and my younger sister have that keeps them going in high stress environments... .Maybe because SHE and my sister didn't live with their highly critical parents the entire time? Didn't have a child abuse case with their FIRST child? Neither one had/has a child with disabilities either. And most importantly, neither one is me.

I am who I am until I change is my brother's mantra, and it's true. It's been time to change but because of a myriad of issues, one being mental health was just seen as plain mental in my family, I couldn't bring myself to reach out. And when I do I almost immediately back track because I don't want to burden anyone, or have someone think I'm crazy or feel weak for reaching out because I couldn't do it on my own. Honestly, I don't think it's courageous at all but pure desperation. I reached out before I could let myself process it or I wouldn't have. I've started and deleted so many posts since I've came here for that reason. But at this point I'm like, screw pretense, who cares how I sound as long as I can get help?

Thank you also for responding Turkish. Yes, it is very triggering. It really angered me at first because it was like, now my son is forcing me to be happy all the time and I hate being forced into or out of my feelings. Then, when he didn't stop although I tried to explain to him that mommy won't always be happy but that's ok because I'll always love you and be here for you, he couldn't understand me. That's frustrating. Then I have my mom and dad on my back to just tell him yes and he just wants to make sure you're ok because he loves you so much and other such comments. So I just started saying yes because he'd get a little manic if I didn't and then try to explain again in different ways how it's ok if you're not always happy you're allowed to be angry and sad and everything else. The difficulty is mostly with his comprehension of things, you can tell by looking at him if doesn't understand, but I haven't stopped trying. It's just so hard.

I think that could also be part of it. He's  just starting to understand them as about six or so months ago he said his name and said he was angry, then slammed a door. I know I shouldn't of been, but I was so excited he finally told me how he felt! I tried explaining to him then that it was ok to feel angry, what was he angry about and that even though he was angry he had to control himself and not slam doors, throw toys or hit anyone. He had a short phase that kind of broke me a little where he would get really angry and just keep hitting and hitting me. I never understood if he was angry with me, or taking out his anger on me. It didn't help that I felt I deserved it for failing him so miserably so far.

I do try asking him, but the trouble is he doesn't understand. I say yes I'm happy are you happy? He'll say yes sometimes, but mostly if I say I'm happy he just checks back out and does his own thing and it isn't so easy to re engage him. I'll obviously never give up, but it will help to do a lot more healing on my part.

Thank you both again for replying without being harsh, I truly mean it.

Purekalm

[Turkish]

My kids, S6 and D3, still hit and throw things sometimes. D3 left a wicked, bloody scratch down her brother's face the other day while with their mom.

It can be hard for those of us raised in invalidating families to get a feel for what's "normal." If we are parents, we have to learn how to be parents, having had lousy role models. We know what we know and don't know what we don't know... That you're here reaching out for support is a ln important step, and courageous, in my view.  I never had a father, only my mom. As a father, my T said that I'm "inventing." It's tough for you, having dysfunctional voices from the past and in the present telling you what you're doing wrong. That you're reaching out is very hopeful 

Your family are who they are, but you deserve to be who you are, and your son does too.

[disillusionedandsore]

Hi Purekalm,  delighted you are posting and sharing.  Hopefully we can all help with something 

You mentioned trying to get your son to understand that you may not always be happy.  A visual teaching resource I have used to distinguish between different feelings are pictures of faces. When discussing feelings you choose from amongst a spread of emotion cards/pictures... .for example  Mammy is feeling sad,  show picture and make the sad face  :'(

www.educateautism.com/free-materials-and-downloads.html/category/emotions.html

Regarding what sounds like a history of, and ongoing verbal abuse,  I would recommend getting acquainted with Patricia Evans work on verbal abuse.  I have read all her books on the topic and it was extremely freeing,  validating and reassuring for me after a lifetime of abuse.  There is a companion website also www.verbalabuse.com

[purekalm]

Thank you sheishei for the support. 

Turkish, I know what you mean. My nephews are pretty violent to each other. So much so they are stressing out their bus driver. They only hurt each other, never anyone else, but they slam each other's heads into the windows and seats and hit and punch. To be fair, the middle one is the instigator almost all the time, but never gets in trouble like the oldest, so unfair. My siblings and I were pretty violent ourselves, probably because it was our only recourse for expression of our pent up anger. My mom used to yell at us girls and say she didn't have any because we fought like boys. Ha ha! My older and younger sisters are pretty feminine though, I just never really was. (Shrugs) I used to feel it was yet another negative trait of mine, but now I'm ok with the fact I hate make up and love my skate shoes, jeans and t-shirts.   

Yes, it's extremely hard to know what a normal parent is. I've seen worse parents than mine and it's been drilled into me that they "did the best they could", but I don't and never did want to be like them. My mom is extremely controlling, always has been. If it's not done HER way, it's simply not good enough. My dad was either absent, physically present and absent or raging, suicidal, you name it, just acting crazy. My mom was the main physical abuser, my dad was more mental and physical with our animals. Not to say he didn't beat us, just less often than mom. I wished my whole childhood that my mom would leave my dad, and she promised us so many times that I stopped believing her, it was too painful to keep getting my hopes dashed. She had a way out unlike where I'm at. Her dad offered her a house, car, everything we and she needed plus help her with a job if she left my dad, but she wouldn't because she loved him. That was hard to hear, knowing that what I went through didn't have to happen... .

The most frustrating part about it is that my parents are treating my son like they never would've treated us. Trying to act like they know what's best for him over me because they raised four already. When I started pushing back I was met with anger, denial, bad mouthing, cold shoulder, silent treatment. I heard my mom raging to my dad about it through the door, she wasn't exactly quiet, but somehow thought I couldn't hear her yelling I guess. I'm just always in some type of battle. With my mom, dad, husband or son and always with myself. I'm so tired of fighting for, for everything. I know I need to be free of them all, and I pray one day I will be able to. I'm just trying to grit my teeth and make the most of it until I get to that point.

I desperately want to just be me and not be constantly criticized for it. I like to play video and pc games when I get a chance, helps to destress. Of course my parents believe it's a waste of time and I SHOULD be doing other things. I like some anime, and my brother only wants me to watch it with him and gets mad if I watch something by myself or tell him about it although he has watched tons that I haven't and a lot I won't watch but it's ok for him, not me. It's like, no matter what I do, decide, think, it's not ok unless it's on someone else's terms and that just ticks me off and when there isn't too much I can do about it gets internalized and turns to depression. Which, of course, makes me hate myself all the more.

Within two months last year, starting in March I was diagnosed with HSV2, which I believe my husband gave to me because I know he cheated on me because of the way he was acting, but of course I get the one where even if it's a primary infection you can't prove who gave it to you... .Then a couple weeks later I get a horrible infection from a spider bite on my left leg that gets terribly painful, go to the hospital, they lance it and tell me to come back if it spreads past the line they made. It does, bad, so next afternoon I'm at the hospital and after looking at it, and the one on my lower back I get admitted. During the wait time my husband is reassuring me that if I do get admitted he will be right there the whole time. Well, about ten minutes after I get the room I call my mom to tell her what's going on and he's muttering to himself about how it's a waste of time and gas to go get a couple things and stay with me for a while. I get off the phone and make it clear I heard him, just go home I'm fine. I wasn't, I was terrified, but he infuriated me with his comments. He happily went home saying he needed to help my mom with our son, which he didn't, and I knew he wouldn't. My son also had a bite that got infected and since I ended up in the hospital for five days and had surgery I called and made him an appointment from the hospital and my mom went with my husband to take him to the doctor and his went away real fast.

I'm a lightweight when it comes to medicine of any kind, especially pain because I just deal with it instead of relieve it most of the time. So anyways, I also get diagnosed with diabetes while I'm there. I was in and out of sleep because of the medicine and crying on and off because I didn't even know if I would make it home. They had to use the intravenous antibiotic because the others weren't working and my leg swelled so huge, it was scary. That was also the very first night and longest time I had ever been away from my son and from accounts from my brother, it didn't go so well while I was gone. It was a pretty traumatic experience for me, and it didn't end there because the sores had to be repacked twice to once a day, which was excruciating, and my mom did it since my husband never attempted to volunteer.

That was when my mom finally realized the damage her and my dad were causing my son by coddling and spoiling him, since she had to deal with it first hand. She seems to have forgotten though. I say all this to say, I got pretty depressed and the response from my husband when I was stable enough to tell him how I felt about his actions was "Yeah, I messed up. I know it's a lot and all, but I wouldn't have gotten all depressed about it". I just, I was like, wow, ok. Everywhere I turn I get abandoned emotionally, mentally, physically, yet I'm supposed to be so concerned about how HE feels abandoned when I told him I need space because I can't live this way anymore? Everything is still somehow my fault even when he supposedly accepts blame and makes all these empty promises to change but never actually does? He invalidates my valid feelings, but his irrational ones I'm supposed to care so much about? (Shakes head in  ) Sorry so long!

disillusionedandsore, I think everyone who tries to, helps. Just knowing someone actually read it and responded helps.  Yes, funny as the show Inside Out has helped him as well to see and acknowledge different emotions. He likes to act them out with the character stuffed dolls we got one by one over time last year. It's just not so consistent or identifying with him yet. He does things like that in speech therapy as well. He's making progress though. 

Oh yeah, verbal abuse is almost constant from someone around me. Thank you for the resource, I will check it out. I have the book Boundaries and that has helped as well. I've had it for a couple years now actually. I didn't even know what they were or how I was supposed to make them. Just the knowledge alone was helpful, because I wasn't in fact feeling selfish, but invaded.

Thank you all again for not only reading my lengthy posts (sorry about that, I try not too!) but responding with kindness. I rarely get that response, and before I wasn't even able to accept it when it came, so I thank you all very much. 

[Kwamina]

Hi purekalm

I am sorry to hear you had those health problems too last years, on top of everything you are already dealing with. Dealing with health issues is quite tough indeed. That situation with your leg sounds scary, I am glad things are going better now.

Oh yeah, verbal abuse is almost constant from someone around me. Thank you for the resource, I will check it out. I have the book Boundaries and that has helped as well. I've had it for a couple years now actually. I didn't even know what they were or how I was supposed to make them. Just the knowledge alone was helpful, because I wasn't in fact feeling selfish, but invaded.

When I read your post I often thought of the word boundaries and how it is related to abuse. In our article here about boundaries we distinguish three types:

•   Physical boundaries help us determine who may touch us and under what circumstances.

•   Mental boundaries give us the freedom to have our own thoughts and opinions.

•   Emotional boundaries help us deal with our own emotions and disengage from the harmful, manipulative emotions of others.

Based on how you describe your family, it becomes clear that they are still trying to control your thinking and opinions and are dragging you down emotionally with their own harmful and negative emotions expressed through their verbal abuse and controlling behavior. I find discussing boundaries and what they mean can sometimes be challenging, what I have recently found very enlightening is looking at the types of boundaries separately and how they relate to the various forms of abuse and BPD behaviors such as splitting and projection. This has helped me analyze what has been going on in my family on a whole new level and allowed me to see the dysfunctional dynamics even more clearly. Boundaries are so extremely important. I am not even talking about setting and defending boundaries, but more that you have the belief deep down inside that you matter, that your thoughts and opinions matter, that your feelings, wants and needs matter and that no matter what others say about you, they do not determine your worth.

I am very glad you started this thread. These aren't easy things to deal with, but the only way to move through this is to face your issues head-on and just keep plugging away. That is what you are doing here

You can be yourself here purekalm, we accept and respect you just the way you are  

[purekalm]

Thank you Kwamina, it's nice to feel accepted WITH all of your faults. 

Yeah, I forgot to say it turned out to be MRSA and it was so bad so fast it could have been untreatable very quickly. And then when they found out I was quarantined, it was a whole nother experience to KNOW you're a danger to others than unrealistically believe you are. I'm just glad it wasn't airborne and only through contact with the actual sore. I've had the unfortunate luck to have two subsequent infections, the first on the right leg, same place which also had to be cut but no hospital and then one in my finger this January that was small enough for me to take care of myself. It's very scary.

Yes, that's my aim, to force myself out of my comfort zone to ask for help and put to words some of what I've suffered to show myself it's real and I'm not weak for not being able to handle all of this. Since you mentioned PTSD and complex PTSD I've looked up a bunch of information and not only realized but have been able to accept the reality that I disassociate as a  coping mechanism, and I have since I was a child. I never really told anyone until recently because it made me feel insane and mental health was a taboo subject. The worst possible thing was the label crazy, and I didn't want it, so I stayed silent. I just called it spacing, causeI'm there and then I'm not and then I am again. Or I'm like I'm this kind of fog where I'm only vaguely aware of what's going on. Because of my husband's severe switch after my son was born and his traumatic birth and resulting issues a few months later, I don't have a lot of easily recalled memories of the first few years of my son's life. He was an emergency c section due to his heart rate almost stopping when I pushed, then because the numbing wouldn't work due to him already in the birthing canal they had to put me completely out. It was surreal, I didn't feel like I had even had him at first. But when I first got to see him I instantly connected and was so happy he was ok. Everything went downhill pretty quickly after that... .

That's a great idea, being able to separate the different types. That's a big one, "deep down I matter". Because I've been told and treated like I don't under the guise that I do. It was so confusing. Even my husband couldn't tell me one reason why he loved me other than the things I did for him. I can't be loved just because I exist? My parents always made themselves martyrs telling us what they sacrificed so we could eat or have a place to sleep or whatever. So if I ever tried to do anything for me once I became a parent I was shamed either openly or slyly. "She" (my mom) wouldn't have done that. "He" (my dad) would never have acted that way. I lived to please and save most of my life so my self worth was bound up in someone's approval of how well I was at my job. And then to be questioned for every move I made after my son was born, it was just so traumatic. I was completely shattered in pieces needing help, and instead I was treated and judged harshly. My whole life has been one crazy happening after another and I'm so worn out in every way by it all. I want to know from my core that I matter, and I think I've been very slowly working on this. Everyone else, regardless of what they've done, matter. But I have always held contempt and utter worthlessness for my self.

Physical Boundaries with my husband currently- It's not ok to force sexual contact, especially if I've previously asked for some space. My body is still mine even though we're married and needs to be respected.

Before it was- Because I'm married I have no right to my body because it belongs to him and even when I don't want it I have to submit because he'll cheat on me and it'll be all my fault. No matter what shame I feel I have to grin and bear it because I have no right to object, I'm not allowed to.

Mental boundaries with husband now- (Which I'm working on everyday) I have a right to my opinion because I exist, just like him and therefore have value. Even if you don't agree with me, my thoughts should be respected.

Mental boundaries with family now- (Still working, this one's harder) I may not always have thoughts or opinions that you agree with but I am allowed to have them. I'm not somehow wrong for having or expressing them. I don't have to agree with whatever you say, think or want me to align with you on. And that does not make me bad, it is just my particular view of said situation, and as an individual I'm allowed to think my own thoughts.

Mental Boundaries before with both- I have no self worth so anything anyone says I must agree since they have to be smarter, better at everything than me. If I feel used or angry it isn't because I have a right too, it's because I'm a selfish, weak brat that had the audacity to pretend she mattered, because I don't matter.

Emotional boundaries with husband now- I have an undeniable right just like you to feel angry, sad, happy or even depressed when situations warrant those reactions. Just because you think I shouldn't feel a certain way doesn't mean that's a plausible means for me and actually invalidates my sense of self. I may not feel the way you do given particular situations, but that's not a BAD thing, it just means I'm affected differently and that's ok.

Emotional boundaries with family now- I am me , not you or who you want me to be. I have weaknesses and strengths just like you. I can be happy. I am allowed to be separate from you. I am not responsible to fix your mistakes, but I can empathize if you want. I am allowed to be angry when you shove past my boundaries and then act like you did nothing wrong. I'm allowed to be frustrated when you act like any or all my decisions don't measure up to your idealistic standards for me. I'm allowed to want to live on my own at 29 without being manipulated into feeling this is wrong and then be shoved away if I felt in MY opinion it was ok to stay. Basically, in general I have unquestionable self worth because I exist and regardless of your opinions, feelings, actions and words while intentioned or not, that's ok, I'm allowed.

Emotional boundaries then with both- I have no basic self worth, it is generated by your opinions of me. I can be manipulated into whatever you wish because I live solely to please you and make you happy. I have no right to be upset if I don't agree or feel a certain way, only you do. I will constantly apologize and ask your forgiveness if you are upset with me, whatever it was it was my fault because I must have failed yet again at making sure you are always happy, regardless of how I feel. Wait, I don't even have any feelings, I just pretend so that doesn't make you upset either.

Obviously, these are hard to continually implement since it's literally been my whole life like this in some form, but I'm working on it! Thank you for making me think about like this Kwamina, it shows me that I have made progress and I'm not AS messed up as I used to be. Lol

Thank you again, this really feels scary and freeing at once.

[Panda39]

Hi purekalm,

I just wanted to stop by and cheer you on    I'm glad you've posted even though it was scary.  You have taken a positive step by pushing through that fear.  I have found that when I push through fear it adds a little bit more to my self-esteem and confidence. I encourage you to continue to take those opportunities when you feel ready as they build upon each other.

Posting and sharing your story is a step on your journey and it is a journey and it involves work.  I want you to know that I see your willingness to work, your openness to other's ideas, your search for knowledge, your determination and the recognition/self awareness you have of the issues surrounding you.  You are on the path for you and your son one step at a time.

There was a popular saying from the 70's that applies... .



Keep on Truckin... .down your path of healing.

Take Care,

Panda39

[Kwamina]

Thanks for sharing your boundary development with us! You have definitely come a long way purekalm

Since you mentioned PTSD and complex PTSD I've looked up a bunch of information and not only realized but have been able to accept the reality that I disassociate as a  coping mechanism, and I have since I was a child. I never really told anyone until recently because it made me feel insane and mental health was a taboo subject. The worst possible thing was the label crazy, and I didn't want it, so I stayed silent. I just called it spacing, causeI'm there and then I'm not and then I am again. Or I'm like I'm this kind of fog where I'm only vaguely aware of what's going on.

I can very much relate to what you describe here. I think when the pain becomes to great for us to bear, our mind sometimes searches for alternative ways of coping and dissociation or spacing out is one of them. In his writings about cPTSD and emotional flashbacks, Pete Walker also says that "fear launches us into 'heady' worrying, or numbing and spacing out." That's why he encourages us to ease back into our bodies and his steps for emotional flashback management can help with that.

That's a great idea, being able to separate the different types. That's a big one, "deep down I matter". Because I've been told and treated like I don't under the guise that I do. It was so confusing. Even my husband couldn't tell me one reason why he loved me other than the things I did for him. I can't be loved just because I exist?

... .

My whole life has been one crazy happening after another and I'm so worn out in every way by it all. I want to know from my core that I matter, and I think I've been very slowly working on this. Everyone else, regardless of what they've done, matter. But I have always held contempt and utter worthlessness for my self.

I again would like to quote Pete Walker here: "I am a human being not a human doing."

"My perfectionism arose as an attempt to gain safety and support in my dangerous family. Perfection is a self-persecutory myth. I do not have to be perfect to be safe or loved in the present. I am letting go of relationships that require perfection. I have a right to make mistakes. Mistakes do not make me a mistake. Every mistake or mishap is an opportunity to practice loving myself in the places I have never been loved."

"I commit to myself. I am on my side. I am a good enough person. I refuse to trash myself. I turn shame back into blame and disgust, and externalize it to anyone who shames my normal feelings and foibles. As long as I am not hurting anyone, I refuse to be shamed for normal emotional responses like anger, sadness, fear and depression. I especially refuse to attack myself for how hard it is to completely eliminate the self-hate habit."

"Feeling guilty does not mean I am guilty. I refuse to make my decisions and choices from guilt; sometimes I need to feel the guilt and do it anyway. In the inevitable instance when I inadvertently hurt someone, I will apologize, make amends, and let go of my guilt. I will not apologize over and over. I am no longer a victim. I will not accept unfair blame. Guilt is sometimes camouflaged fear. – “I am afraid, but I am not guilty or in danger”."

Thank you again, this really feels scary and freeing at once.

Well you know what they say, the parrot will said you free!

As the great Panda said, Keep on Truckin!

[purekalm]

Thanks Panda! I am! =)


Kwamina

You know, I do feel that way. Sometimes I don't, but when I look at things objectively I realize I have. =)

That's the thing, I don't always have to be stressed or anything to space out, I do it just when I'm tired. I hate to admit it, but back when it was more prevalent I would "space" while driving on the highway and still be driving just fine. It freaked me out, but I wasn't even in a memory or feeling anything, just not there or anywhere I guess. It's been weird. And then there's times where it's extremely emotional or stress related and I just can't deal and I have to force myself out of it. Those times are more easily recognizable to me. 

Those quotes from Pete Walker about perfectionism are pretty head on. I grew up feeling exactly the way he tells you not to. If I wasn't perfect, I just wasn't able to be loved, even though it was acceptable for everyone else to not be perfect and loved, I wasn't afforded that. With my mom being a perfectionist amongst all the the crazy didn't help.

Speaking of, I figured it would be ok to post a response to my other one from Undecided and a thought about my mom in here since they're related. If it's not ok, please feel free to move it wherever.

I have been wondering what I should do in regards to moving out with my husband and it's difficult to know what to do. I'm kind of in the position of whether to choose between two evils at the moment...

On the one hand I have staying with my parents and he may or may not move out. With my parents, I don't know how much longer I can take it. This past week they both have been pretty sick and so mostly in their room. I had a decent week, I hate to say. Now that they are getting better and out more it's like, I can't function properly again. Everything they say is condescending or judgmental in some way. I start to get irritated or upset and they have their little easily hurt emotional attitudes and say more damaging things, go to their room and then blame me basically for the whole incident and them being stuck in there.

My brother just told me that my mom believes "I hate her" and that's why she has been avoiding me. I don't, I'm irritated. He even told her that she's constantly on my back when she's around me and still she denies any wrongdoing with "I was only giving her advice" "I didn't mean it that way" "No I didn't" on and on with the excuses never accepting her part of the problem. So, then my dad is either in some drunken rage, drugged stupor or who knows what to add to the issues and he makes comments and/or sighs whenever I'm not "up to par" with how they believe I should parent my son.

Especially because of this past week, (I don't want them to be sick, they both have a host of health issues, I just enjoyed the mostly peace) I realized just how much they still affect me and I know I won't be able to keep growing and might fall back into my depression, which is already trying it's hardest on me now. I'm doing the best I can, but, it's so freaking hard right now.

My mom keeps making comments about how they want me out, then when asked it's just my husband and then when I say I might there's this guilt trip about how she doesn't know how she'll make it and doesn't want to live with my dad because of his habits. And then there's my brother who said that if I move out he'll probably go to a shelter because he doesn't want to impose himself on either of us any longer, although I kind of doubt it because if he really felt that way wouldn't he go now?

Then of course there's my husband who I can't trust, who isn't a husband or a father, even though he says he wants to be.

He's wanting to go to Florida to visit family, but I'm not sure if that will happen and if it does, I can't trust he won't get with someone. The old girlfriend he had that is with someone currently that he sought out on fb and contacted to tell her "he was sorry" for all he'd done to her also lives there. I'm conflicted on how I should even feel about that. On the one hand, we're kind of not together and I've been trying to take some space that I can while living with him and on the other, he still wants to make it work and recently especially has been telling me how much he misses being close to me. I hardly even say I love you anymore let alone hugs and stuff because he would never respect my body and that seemed to be all he wanted from me and then would treat me like crap again, so I moved away as nicely as I could.

He isn't really a father to our son and spends more time on xboxlive than he has with his son altogether I would think. There are times and moments and he wants me to move out with him to give him one last chance at making it work away from my family who have admittedly caused a TON of problems between us that never would have been.

Do you believe he has the capacity to grow and be the loving and caring husband you would like to be with?

I do, but the question I can't answer is will he? That's the discouraging part, I don't know what he will ultimately choose.

And if he were able to change, do you think you would want to be with him knowing the way he treated you and your son all these years?

Well, I know most might see this differently but yes. It's like my family, they've treated me horrible (in my depression I've done my fair share of verbal abuse) but I forgive them, love them, but try to stay away from their destructive behavior as much as possible. When it comes to my husband, that's pretty much what I've already done living with him. I won't and don't excuse the abuse he has done to us over the years, but I can't let it completely color the future if he is TRULY willing to change. It would be a year at least before I started to even trust him again because he's never been able to keep up decent behavior for an extended period of time at this point, but we've also lived with my parents all this time as well. (Partly due to bad financial decisions on my husband's part, then my mom threatening to call CPS if I moved out with him, then distrust of my husband because of his lies, etc. One crazy reason after another.) It's like the Bible says "Be as wise as serpents and harmless as doves". I feel there are many "wolves" around me. Just maybe not all are actively seeking to devour me I hope!

So, I know I need to choose. I can't keep living with all these unhealthy people like this for my sanity alone. I'm not sure what I should do. No, I'm not asking for someone to tell me, I know I need to make that decision myself, but some advice would be so appreciated. I keep going back and forth on what I should do and I think I just need an objective level head right now, I don't have any of those around me at the moment... .

Thank you for giving me a place to share and get advice, it has helped so much and I didn't feel like it would at all when I came here.        

[Kwamina]

He even told her that she's constantly on my back when she's around me and still she denies any wrongdoing with "I was only giving her advice" "I didn't mean it that way" "No I didn't" on and on with the excuses never accepting her part of the problem.

Do you think your mother realizes and truly understands just how hurtful her behavior is? Considering she has a disordered mind, it could perhaps be that she doesn't even fully understand how much she is affecting you. Do you feel like your mother is able to empathize at all? When I look at my own mother, as mind-boggling as it sometimes may seem, she often is completely clueless. Not always though.

I feel there are many "wolves" around me. Just maybe not all are actively seeking to devour me I hope!

Fortunately there are also some good wolves: Turkish!

So, I know I need to choose. I can't keep living with all these unhealthy people like this for my sanity alone. I'm not sure what I should do. No, I'm not asking for someone to tell me, I know I need to make that decision myself, but some advice would be so appreciated. I keep going back and forth on what I should do and I think I just need an objective level head right now, I don't have any of those around me at the moment... .

To help you come to a calm place and help you decide, I think it might help to try and practice mindfulness/meditation and explore the concept of WiseMind:

Triggering and Mindfulness and Wise Mind

It's like the Bible says "Be as wise as serpents and harmless as doves".

Wise and harmless indeed, wisdom and gentleness go hand in hand:

"Happy is the [wo]man that findeth wisdom, and the [wo]man that getteth understanding.

For the merchandise of it is better than the merchandise of silver, and the gain thereof than fine gold.

... .

Her ways are ways of pleasantness, and all her paths are peace.

She is a tree of life to them that lay hold upon her: and happy is every one that retaineth her."

[purekalm]

Kwamina

Until you mentioned it I didn't even realize my mom could be BPD or something. She was the one always home with us and took all her frustrations from my dad's crazy antics out on me and my siblings though. But, the more I thought about it the more I realized she gets under my skin so easily with all her remarks. I feel like I'll never live up to her standards, because she just is so much better, and my younger sister, who is just like her. They fought the most because of that I think. But, nether one has or is making the best decisions and I'd like to make my own without constant criticism.

She does empathize with certain things, but most times I believe she is seriously clueless how cruel her words can be. I'm not exactly in the best mental state myself yet and her words still sting a little more than I'd like. But, I will "keep on trucking". 

Lol yep, that's true.

Funny, after reading some of the information I realized that's my natural state of thinking. I always try to figure out what's best in both ways and I guess because it's so crazy either way it's hard to lean more to one than the other. Well, at the moment I just wish it was possible to leave them all for a bit! Love them, but me and my son need a break! 

Thanks for your reply and suggestions.