I'm wrecked

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Hi, I am new here. I just feel wrecked. I don't know if my post deserves a new topic. I feel depressed. I just don't seem to be able to get over my ex after few years of break up.

[Driver]

Hi, I am new here. I just feel wrecked. I don't know if my post deserves a new topic. I feel depressed. I just don't seem to be able to get over my ex after few years of break up.

[JQ]

Hello Driver 

I'm feel for you that you had to find this place but glad you did. Welcome to the group ... .we won't pass judgement on you ... .but you'll find a lot of people just like you that have been what you've been through and are willing to tell you what worked for them and what didn't work for them. I would highly encourage you to read the topics to the right of this page and the references at the top of the page. Since you've been in a bad place for a long time I would suggest maybe seeking out a good therapist as most of us have in order to help you sort through your feelings, thoughts, emotions ... .and help set you on a better path then you've been on.

You have to give us a little bit more information too if you feel comfortable with it ... .like how long were you seeing each other?  What do you think is your blocking you from moving on? Do you still communicate with them?  do you still FB or other social media with them?  What do you want from all of this? To move on and live a happier life? Do you know if she has BPD? 

What do you do day to day? Go to work and come home with the blinds shut? Or do you go out with friends to movies, coffee, dinner, lunch? DO you exercise, walk, ride a bike?  Do you have a support system you can lean on like friends or family?

Take a deep breath ... .you've taken the first step of getting some help ... .I commend you and welcome you!

JQ

[Driver]

Hello Driver 

I'm feel for you that you had to find this place but glad you did. Welcome to the group ... .we won't pass judgement on you ... .but you'll find a lot of people just like you that have been what you've been through and are willing to tell you what worked for them and what didn't work for them. I would highly encourage you to read the topics to the right of this page and the references at the top of the page. Since you've been in a bad place for a long time I would suggest maybe seeking out a good therapist as most of us have in order to help you sort through your feelings, thoughts, emotions ... .and help set you on a better path then you've been on.

You have to give us a little bit more information too if you feel comfortable with it ... .like how long were you seeing each other?  What do you think is your blocking you from moving on? Do you still communicate with them?  do you still FB or other social media with them?  What do you want from all of this? To move on and live a happier life? Do you know if she has BPD? 

What do you do day to day? Go to work and come home with the blinds shut? Or do you go out with friends to movies, coffee, dinner, lunch? DO you exercise, walk, ride a bike?  Do you have a support system you can lean on like friends or family?

Take a deep breath ... .you've taken the first step of getting some help ... .I commend you and welcome you~!

JQ

Hi JQ,

Thanks for your warm welcome. It is actually a member of this board who suggested me to come here. I know I haven't provided much details, but I just am so depressed for the moment that I have had no courage.

However, I'll try to answer some of questions you asked. I am trying to cope with the situation without a therapist for the moment, hence my presence here.

We'd been together for about two years. Then, little by little, I saw red flags, such as extreme idealization, fear of abandonment, my energy being sucked, etc. When I tried to take some distance, I had right to suicide threats and attempts. After trying to go no contact, I had the right to neverending phone calls, messages, fb messages, insults, cries, drama, threats that I'll lose my job, etc.

I decided to see a therapist once or twice just to have some tips what to do.  They told me to initiate no contact, which I did. But after few years of no contact I still seem I can't get over the relationship. And this is probably due to the fact that I tend to forget the negative things and actually refuse to believe that those negative things happened. As if they happened per accident.

In the eantime, yes I continue to do my job as usual, and i do a lot of sport and other activities to try to keep my mind constantly busy.

I talked about it to my family and friends, but none of them seem to understand what pwBPD are capable of.

[thisagain]

Welcome, Driver!

I'm sorry you've had such a rough time, but you're in the right place! We've all had similar experiences and this board can help you find some hope.

Please don't be hard on yourself for still having strong feelings about the relationship! Two years is a long time, and relationships involving BPD can be especially intense. It can also be hard for friends and family to understand that, which is why we're here. The Lessons on the right side of the page, which JQ pointed out, are a great place to start making sense of the relationship and moving toward healing.

How have your feelings about the breakup changed over the past few years? Have there been times when you did better and times when you did worse? What's been going on lately that motivated you to find us?

Keep posting and sharing more, as you get more comfortable. And hang in there - we're here for you!

[JQ]

Hey Driver,

I'm feeling for you and your depressed state ... .a relationship with a BPD can certainly take a toll on your mind, body and soul. It seems that you have been walking this journey for sometime now ... .with a little help from a therapist, "GREAT IDEA BY THE WAY" and some help from your friends and family ... .but as you've learned unless you've lived it ... .it's REALLY hard to comprehend just exactly what you've been going through.  It's good to see that you're trying to take care of yourself by doing the sport thing and other things to keep your mind busy ... .I would continue to see your therapist so they can help continue to help you sort through your feelings, emotions. It's great to hear that you've been NC for such a long time ... .I know how hard that had to be from personal experience. I would continue to come here ... .let us know what you're comfortable with ... .

AS I said, you'll find no here that will judge you or think negative things of you ... .we've walked our own journey with someone we cared about who has BPD. In my case I've had not one but at least 2 extreme relationship with exBPDgfs. I've since learn that my mother is also a BPD in addition to my sister. Growing up in that house is the reason why I'm the recovering codependent    We can let you know what worked for us and what didn't work for us ... .but we can't walk  your journey for you. YOU and YOU alone have to walk it ... .there will ALWAYS be someone here to hold out a hand to help you up when you stumble ... .we'll dust you off and straighten you up ... .but then it's up to YOU to decide if you continue down the path you're currently on ... .take the fork to the right and see where that leads you or sit back down where you are and do nothing. The choice is all YOURS!  And from my life experiences it's a VERY good thing to have a choice in life then to have to settle for something ... .and IMHO ... .you need some new choices ... .you seem to be a VERY caring, loving person who just needs a little help in their journey of self discovery ... .we've all been there ... .this site is great for that as well.

My first encounter with my first exBPDgf was about 20 yrs ago ... .I just thought she was Batsh!t crazy and got when the getting was good ... .I'm not going to lie it affected me for longer then I really wanted it too. But finally one day I looked in the mirror and said out loud to myself, ... ."Enough is enough ... .I'm better then this ... .it's time for me to let her go" ... .I took a deep breath and let her go. My second exBPDgf is more recent ... .I had forgot the lessons of the past and had to repeat them. My recovery was much quicker this time due in large part to this site, a good therapist who explained things, exercise, sleeping, eating right ... .and reading a few books like "The Human Magnet Syndrome", "Stop Walking on Eggshells" and "I hate you, don't leave me". I also dove deep into what BPD was when my 2nd exBPDgf told me she was diagnosed with it. Then I had to do a deep dive on myself as to why I was attracted to people like her. This help me understand why I was the knight in armor, people pleasure, would sacrifice myself & well being & happiness for others.  I would also say I was a little older and wiser in my recovery from the last one.

I learned the BPD language of sex triangles, projections, devaluation, idealization, splitting, painted black, painted white, and everything else.  I also wrote down on a sticky note & posted it in the bathroom mirror & fridge the 3 Cs of BPD ... ."BPD ... .I didn't CAUSE it!  I can't CONTROL it!  I can't CURE it!   I learned that BPD is a serious mental / behavioral illness that will affect her for the rest of her life.  She is self aware & has seen several Ph.ds & therapist over 25 plus years with little to no progress in her behavior. She once smiled at me and told me that her therapist could write a book on all the sex triangles she's told him she's had over all these years. that was a    clue!   Once I told her I had taken a STD blood test because of her admission of more then one sex triangle with me ... .her response ... .was with a SMILE, "that was probably a good idea" ... .REALLY ? WHO THE HELL SAYS THAT WITH A SMILE?  That was my final     and knew as much as I loved and cared for her there was nothing I was ever going to do to help her.  LOVE DOES NOT CONQUER ALL!   I was ignorant to believe that I could save her when all the docs & therapist couldn't. It's like a therapist told me one time ... .having BPD is like the story of Humpty Dumpty when he fell off the wall, "All the kings horse and all the kings men couldn't put Humpty Dumpty back together again.     Then I have this clinical physiologist friend of mine who told me she conducts group sessions for those with BPD ... .not knowing I was in the final death throws of a DPB relationship because I never told her ... .she said, "I don't feel sorry for them ... .I sympathize for them ... .they are severely broken human beings that will never be healed ... .they will be forever broken". Final    

And with that I started my NC, my recover, my road to healing via self discovery ... .I didn't always like what I found on my journey but I would like to think it's made me a better person and that I can recognize what the warning signs are with someone who has BPD and change my behavior as a codependent aka care giver. I also learned that I am responsible for MY happiness ... .as YOU are responsible for YOUR happiness!  

I sat down with a couple of glasses of wine, put some good music on ... .sat in my place and asked myself questions. Why did I really fall in love with her? I had known her for over 30 years and recently reconnected after 25 years.  Was the relationship a mutually respectfully monogamous relationship?  id she support me when I was having a bad day or was it all about her?  id we enjoy the same things to do when we didn't work or was it all one sided ... .hers?  id we share the same forward looking ideas about life? Did we have the similar ideas about life after work when we retired?  She seem to be a poor money manager despite the fact she made 6 figures ... .would that continue to be a problem? She was always letting her flying monkey's out of their cages for me to put back in? Was this going to be a ongoing thing?  id she tell her family & friends about me or was I a dark deep secret?  I was BTW ... .so she could keep her other bf in the dark about me.  Was her constant child like behavior going to continue to present issues?  Would she make a good mother?  Would she continue to rage against me for seemly nothing? Would her child like behavior continue with the simple things like eating out ... .watching a tv show ... .or actually trying to have an adult conversation with her?  I asked all these questions and more ... .and to tell you the truth ... .not one of them was answered in a positive manner ... .     So ... .maybe if you did that ... .it might help you on your journey of self discovery and finally healing ... .

JQ

[JQ]

Hey Driver,

I'm feeling for you and your depressed state ... .a relationship with a BPD can certainly take a toll on your mind, body and soul. It seems that you have been walking this journey for sometime now ... .with a little help from a therapist, "GREAT IDEA BY THE WAY" and some help from your friends and family ... .but as you've learned unless you've lived it ... .it's REALLY hard to comprehend just exactly what you've been going through.  It's good to see that you're trying to take care of yourself by doing the sport thing and other things to keep your mind busy ... .I would continue to see your therapist so they can help continue to help you sort through your feelings, emotions. It's great to hear that you've been NC for such a long time ... .I know how hard that had to be from personal experience. I would continue to come here ... .let us know what you're comfortable with ... .

AS I said, you'll find no here that will judge you or think negative things of you ... .we've walked our own journey with someone we cared about who has BPD. In my case I've had not one but at least 2 extreme relationship with exBPDgfs. I've since learn that my mother is also a BPD in addition to my sister. Growing up in that house is the reason why I'm the recovering codependent    We can let you know what worked for us and what didn't work for us ... .but we can't walk  your journey for you. YOU and YOU alone have to walk it ... .there will ALWAYS be someone here to hold out a hand to help you up when you stumble ... .we'll dust you off and straighten you up ... .but then it's up to YOU to decide if you continue down the path you're currently on ... .take the fork to the right and see where that leads you or sit back down where you are and do nothing. The choice is all YOURS!  And from my life experiences it's a VERY good thing to have a choice in life then to have to settle for something ... .and IMHO ... .you need some new choices ... .you seem to be a VERY caring, loving person who just needs a little help in their journey of self discovery ... .we've all been there ... .this site is great for that as well.

My first encounter with my first exBPDgf was about 20 yrs ago ... .I just thought she was Batsh!t crazy and got when the getting was good ... .I'm not going to lie it affected me for longer then I really wanted it too. But finally one day I looked in the mirror and said out loud to myself, ... ."Enough is enough ... .I'm better then this ... .it's time for me to let her go" ... .I took a deep breath and let her go. My second exBPDgf is more recent ... .I had forgot the lessons of the past and had to repeat them. My recovery was much quicker this time due in large part to this site, a good therapist who explained things, exercise, sleeping, eating right ... .and reading a few books like "The Human Magnet Syndrome", "Stop Walking on Eggshells" and "I hate you, don't leave me". I also dove deep into what BPD was when my 2nd exBPDgf told me she was diagnosed with it. Then I had to do a deep dive on myself as to why I was attracted to people like her. This help me understand why I was the knight in armor, people pleasure, would sacrifice myself & well being & happiness for others.  I would also say I was a little older and wiser in my recovery from the last one.

I learned the BPD language of sex triangles, projections, devaluation, idealization, splitting, painted black, painted white, and everything else.  I also wrote down on a sticky note & posted it in the bathroom mirror & fridge the 3 Cs of BPD ... ."BPD ... .I didn't CAUSE it!  I can't CONTROL it!  I can't CURE it!   I learned that BPD is a serious mental / behavioral illness that will affect her for the rest of her life.  She is self aware & has seen several Ph.ds & therapist over 25 plus years with little to no progress in her behavior. She once smiled at me and told me that her therapist could write a book on all the sex triangles she's told him she's had over all these years. that was a    clue!   Once I told her I had taken a STD blood test because of her admission of more then one sex triangle with me ... .her response ... .was with a SMILE, "that was probably a good idea" ... .REALLY ? WHO THE HELL SAYS THAT WITH A SMILE?  That was my final     and knew as much as I loved and cared for her there was nothing I was ever going to do to help her.  LOVE DOES NOT CONQUER ALL!   I was ignorant to believe that I could save her when all the docs & therapist couldn't. It's like a therapist told me one time ... .having BPD is like the story of Humpty Dumpty when he fell off the wall, "All the kings horses and all the kings men couldn't put Humpty Dumpty back together again.     Then I have this clinical physiologist friend of mine who told me she conducts group sessions for those with BPD ... .not knowing I was in the final death throws of a BPD relationship because I never told her ... .she said, "I don't feel sorry for them ... .I sympathize for them ... .they are severely broken human beings that will never be healed ... .they will be forever broken". Final    

And with that I started my NC, my recover, my road to healing via self discovery ... .I didn't always like what I found on my journey but I would like to think it's made me a better person and that I can recognize what the warning signs are with someone who has BPD and change my behavior as a codependent aka care giver. I also learned that I am responsible for MY happiness ... .as YOU are responsible for YOUR happiness!  

I sat down with a couple of glasses of wine, put some good music on ... .sat in my place and asked myself questions. Why did I really fall in love with her? I had known her for over 30 years and recently reconnected after 25 years.  Was the relationship a mutually respectfully monogamous relationship?  id she support me when I was having a bad day or was it all about her?  id we enjoy the same things to do when we didn't work or was it all one sided ... .hers?  id we share the same forward looking ideas about life? Did we have the similar ideas about life after work when we retired?  She seem to be a poor money manager despite the fact she made 6 figures ... .would that continue to be a problem? She was always letting her flying monkey's out of their cages for me to put back in? Was this going to be a ongoing thing?  id she tell her family & friends about me or was I a dark deep secret?  I was BTW ... .so she could keep her other bf in the dark about me.  Was her constant child like behavior going to continue to present issues?  Would she make a good mother?  Would she continue to rage against me for seemly nothing? Would her child like behavior continue with the simple things like eating out ... .watching a tv show ... .or actually trying to have an adult conversation with her?  I asked all these questions and more ... .and to tell you the truth ... .not one of them was answered in a positive manner ... .     So ... .maybe if you did that ... .it might help you on your journey of self discovery and finally healing ... .

JQ

[steelwork]

But after few years of no contact I still seem I can't get over the relationship. And this is probably due to the fact that I tend to forget the negative things and actually refuse to believe that those negative things happened. As if they happened per accident.

It's been a while for me, and I fear I'll never be over it.

If you haven't done so yet, I suggest you try writing out as many of those red flags (in as much detail, with examples) as possible. I did that, and I feel like it helped me -- at least to the extent that bad memories come to me as easily as good ones now.

[peace74]

hello Driver 

I hope you will continue to seek support here.  I've been reading these boards for almost two years after my BPDh of 8 yrs. just left.  No reason, really, other than BPD.  They are a great source of comfort and validation.

One thing that stood out to me in your comment was that you blocked out the negative things and the words about not believing.  I had this issue also at one point.  It was like my mind couldn't or wouldn't accept the reality of everything.  It was like my mind was fighting the truth.  We all do this to a certain extent.  The reason it concerned me was because acceptance needs to happen to really start to heal.  I had to keep telling myself "this is real" and "it is what it is and I have to accept it."  It's also common to think about only the positive after a loved one is gone.  However, even though it may feel uncomfortable or wrong, you need to think about the negative and the unhealthy things about the relationship.  This can give you the push and insight you need to move forward.  Sometimes anger has a need and place in healing. 

Not being able to stop focusing on this relationship could also be directly related to avoiding something within yourself or your life.  My husband left me with two kids to raise, no job (gave up great job to have child and stay home at his request), no friends or support, etc.  I just feel like he took everything.  My self confidence isn't what it used to be (although that is slowly coming back).  Anyway, sometimes it's too much to focus on what I have to do to get my life back.  It's stressful, overwhelming and feels impossible sometimes.  When I feel like this I find myself obsessing about him or what happened.  In a way it's a diversion or escape from what I should be doing but don't want to face.  So maybe searching for something that you are avoiding or things you are unhappy about only related to you can be a start. 

Take one day at a time.  Try to stay positive because our thoughts are very powerful in creating our actions and impacting our lives.  It's okay to take longer to heal and it's okay to take baby steps as long as you keep pressing forward.  Sometimes when you feel like you're at your bottom it helps to start picturing or visualizing being in a better place.  It might not be how you feel now but it can help get you there.  Please keep reading and reaching out for support or help whenever you feel the need.   

[Driver]

Hello everyone again,

I am so thankful for all your support. I really need it. I didn't expect so many answers so fast. Please do forgive me if I am not quick at answering, but as I said in my previous post I've been trying to keep as busy as possible in order to forget the struggle between my heart and my reason.

I've read all your posts carefully and am glad to see that there are people who support each other and especially to see that you manage to recover although you have had such a hard time.

I am quite a positive and joyful person and it's not really in my nature to talk about negative things, because I don't wish to spread negativity around nor do I really seek for compassion or mercy. It's just that I guess it was a bit too much for me to bear on my shoulders all the things related to my r/p with my exBPDgf.

So, I am really thankful for your warm welcome.

Since my break up, I've been reading a lot about BPD and when I read all the things that some have endured, I may actually feel lucky in the sense that I had no kids with my ex or didn't get married, etc. Nonetheless, without wanting to compare who the bigger victim might be, I feel it hurts as much as if I had been married or had kids with her.

I tend to be extremely analytical and I guess I sensed something was wrong with our relationship, so I ended it before any major trigger. Actually our break-up was a trigger for her. It is then when she started to threaten with suicide. I thought she was emotionally blackmailing me and didn't believe her. But she really did it, without success. After that, I got concerned and still wanted to believe that I could help her out, although it may sound very naive.

Then again, when I tried to take some distance she re-threatened me. Was it empathy or stupidity from my part, or simply love, I refused to believe that she had a serious mental disorder, because she's so kind, so brilliant, so funny. She was the one I had been looking for my entire life I thought. She could read me like a book. I opened my heart, my soul to her. She made me feel great. And she never stopped telling me she felt I was the one for her she'd been waiting for too. Each word she pronounced sounds today like a nail to my heart. We were perfect. She never really presented herself as a victim to me. We started our relationship little by little, with text messages, with smiles. We went out, we talked about everything. We laughed a lot. The relationship was full of life. I was ready to move in with her at one point, but I wanted to take my time. I don't like rushing, although I felt great and thought to myself what possibly could go wrong with her, she's a dream came true.

I never saw myself as a knight in shining armor, because she never presented herself like a victim. She did talk about her difficult childhood though, but I thought she got over it and grew out of it.

I must admit that many would call me a fool to initiate the break up with such a girl. But, I don't know, I had an instinctive reaction  which was telling me that nothing is perfect and that if it seems perfect then something is wrong. Indeed, later, when I read about BPD I learned that they are excellent at mirroring people. And this cuts like a knife, to know that all was just mirroring and not her real self.

When she threatened me one too many times to commit suicide, I told her that I was going to alert the medics and her family and friends. All of sudden she transformed into a person I could not recognize. I just couldn't believe my eyes. She threatened me, insulted me, and what not. That was the final red flag for me. So I told her, if that's how the things are going to go down, then she should never ever contact me again, because I had the impression to be on a sinking ship with a victim who was refusing to get saved.

Of course, all her triggers are due to my decision to take distance from her and eventually the break-up. But I needed that distance. i needed to think before going to the next level in our relationship. Had I not done it, I would have probably never witness her triggers and would have had a hellova roller-coaster relationship which would transform me in a zombie.

Even though she had those episodes, I still hoped she would get better with therapy and that we'd get back together. She was always telling me how I made her feel happy. What I tried to make her understand is that in principle no one can really make her happy if she's not happy first within herself regardless of my presence or absence.

Anyway, when I expressed my wish to end the relationship she stalked me, harrassed me on the phone, on social network, she treated me like the worst thing that ever existed. I didn't knoww what to do, so I went to a therapist specialized in BPD. He told me to stop all contact with her. Which I did. This of course cost me extra insults. But, I guess she'll never really understand that the non-BPD can suffer as hell too. She felt it as a punishment, and I did it to try to heal both of us from our what had become a toxic relationship.

Ever since she tried to push all the possible emotional keys to make me react. She sent me e-mails to apologize a few times and then again she got in rage blaming me for all her failed projects. I never responded, although it was hurting like hell. Every word she spoke went straight to my heart. She even threatened me that she would make sure that I lose my job. All the trust I had in her, she destroyed it. All the things I told her, she unveiled to punish me for "punishing" her with my NC.

And the thing that hurt the most was when she talked about having a new bf and how they made love.

I don't want to sound whiny, I am far from being perfect myself, I certainly do have my flaws as everyone. I have certainly made mistakes in my life, but there are things where I don't cross the line.

Although I keep my mind busy I seem inconsolable.

[JQ]

Hey Driver,

Stay strong, you got this, you're farther down the road then you think you are. Don't sell yourself so short. 

I know you miss your BPD, that's ok. I know there is and will always be a part of you that love your BPD and that's ok. Any of us who have been in a deep relationship with a BPD understand those feelings. We're human beings, we live, we breath, we love. Sometimes "Love does NOT conquer all" as we've come to learn.

You said, "And the thing that hurt the most was when she talked about having a new bf and how they made love."  In my research and personal experience this is normal behavior of someone who has BPD. My exBPDgf did the exact same thing during one of her therapy sessions that I was invited too. She made a statement to the therapist about how good he (other bf) was in the bedroom without a concern I was sitting next to her. I was being devalued. The therapist asked me if I was ok? I spare you the details but it was a "normal" behavior for someone with BPD. I told the doc right there that what I wanted was a mutually respectful monogamous relationship at which point he said, "That's probably never going to happen".        It was one of many red flags that she was beyond any professional help and that nothing I said or did was ever going to help ... .I told the doc I'm done with being any part of anymore triangles and it's a deal breaker ... .later that day my exBPDgf said that her doc could write a book on all the sex triangles she had over the years.  There were so many other examples of her trying to devalue me & idealization her other bf.

Idealization and devaluation in people with borderline personality disorder is known as splitting, which signifies both a disturbance in thinking and emotion regulation in BPD. Scientific data suggests that this splitting between idealization and devaluation in BPD is linked to activation in the prefrontal cortex — the front part of your brain that is associated with your personality — and the amygdala — the part of your brain that controls emotional perception and expression.  My clinical physiologist friend of mine told me that those who suffer from BPD mental illness are seriously broken people who will never be able to get healthy.  My exBPDgf who is self aware of the pain, chaos & hurt she causes because of her mental illness has been in and out of mental health professionals for over 25 years and with what seems to be little success.  With this short example of my experiences, in addition to nearly 2 years of flying monkey's, idealization, devaluation, splitting, painted black, white, and everything else that goes along with having a relationship with BPD I wonder to myself what ever made me think that I alone could make the difference and help her to live a normal life when 25 plus years of doctors, therapist, other mental health experts & meds couldn't. I am the eternal optimist   LOL  Come one you have to keep a sense of humor ... .it's funny if you think about it. It was time for me to get off this crazy train roller coaster and educate myself on what the hell just happened to avoid it again ... .to stop this madness.

I tell you these things to maybe help you understand that I took it personal & it hurt. I took all the attacks, infidelity, the rages, the unstable moments, the mental, emotional, and physical abuse personal. What I learned is that I shouldn't have. Her mental illness of BPD is beyond her ability too maintain ANY stable loving, caring, mutually respectful monogamous relationship. She is a very ill person ... .I sympathize for her and her mental illness but know that I nor anyone else will be able to help her change her behavior because to date, there just isn't ANY medical surgery or medication to repair the damage. Then someone told me, the definition of insanity is trying to do the same thing over and over again expecting a different outcome.  They're hardwire this way ... .it's not me ... .it's not you ... .its just the way things are.

JQ

[Driver]

Hi JQ,,

I think I had read somewhere on this board about your experience you've just told.

However, there is just a little difference. My ex wasn't comparing her bf with whom she isn't any longer, but she simply said she made love to him. I sense she wanted to say it just to hurt my feelings because she knew very well how low that punch from her would be.

For the moment she's in her idealization mood, so to her I'm still the one. But as soon as she gets in her devaluation mood I feel she could start comparing.

Anyway, my point was the fact alone that she tells me she slept with another man (a replacement?) literally made me sick, cuz I loved her so much. I still do I guess, but now I feel she did something irreparable.

Thanks for your encouraging words JQ and also for sharing your own experience.

I know there is no miraculous solution, but at least it is good to find people around to talk about it and to vent.

[JQ]

Hey Driver,

This site is good to share you stories, see what worked or didn't work for others.  It helps to vent for sure ... .for only having about 6 post you're certainly a lot further in the recovery process then most. You've done your research, read & educated yourself on the BPD illness. Because you are most likely a care giver aka codependent you care deeply, think logically, and very analytical to try and figure out how to make things better or the way forward. You're not so much different then the rest of us, and I've come to learn that we each have our own experiences with someone with BPD, similar in nature at times, and somewhat different at times. What seems to be the same for all concern is that we have a hard time of moving on to a more healthy life free from the emotions and bad feelings. WE each mourn for the lost of our relationship with our BPD and we do it in our own way and time. Because we are analytical we want, we need to understand some things to help us in that grieving process. Sometimes with BPD things or their behavior just doesn't make sense to us and that in part is why in some cases it's hard for some to move forward.

IMHO, until we accept that BPD behavior is and NEVER will be logical and we'll never get some answers that would help to close a chapter, it'll be a long road on our path of recovery.

JQ

JQ

[Driver]

Hey Driver,

This site is good to share you stories, see what worked or didn't work for others.  It helps to vent for sure ... .for only having about 6 post you're certainly a lot further in the recovery process then most. You've done your research, read & educated yourself on the BPD illness. Because you are most likely a care giver aka codependent you care deeply, think logically, and very analytical to try and figure out how to make things better or the way forward. You're not so much different then the rest of us, and I've come to learn that we each have our own experiences with someone with BPD, similar in nature at times, and somewhat different at times. What seems to be the same for all concern is that we have a hard time of moving on to a more healthy life free from the emotions and bad feelings. WE each mourn for the lost of our relationship with our BPD and we do it in our own way and time. Because we are analytical we want, we need to understand some things to help us in that grieving process. Sometimes with BPD things or their behavior just doesn't make sense to us and that in part is why in some cases it's hard for some to move forward.

IMHO, until we accept that BPD behavior is and NEVER will be logical and we'll never get some answers that would help to close a chapter, it'll be a long road on our path of recovery.

JQ

JQ

Well, I've been reading for three years about BPD. Despite that I still can't get over. I mean, no matter how hard I try to find the way out of this emotional maze I don't seem to heal.

I read somewhere about a guy who had the same problem as us. He started doing sports to evacuate his sadness. He became so good that he won competitions, but nothing seemed to work to comfort him. I feel like that guy for the moment.

No matter how hard we try to understand on the rational level what is going on, our heart seems stubborn. As if drug addicted. As if hypnotized by mermaids songs.

I see my exBPDgf as Cyclops from X-Men. If you remove the eye-gear (trigger) you unleash a powerful blast (of emotions).

I just hope one day someone manages to find the way to heal the BPD. You said nothing works. What about DBT?

[JQ]

Driver,

To answer your first question about therapy ... .I'm not a Ph.d or a clinical physiologist but have discussed with them & have read the subject, with that being said DBT/CBT/MBT/Meds are the most prescribed therapy for BPD.  Like a cancer, everyone reacts to treatment different because everyone is different. Some respond to treatment well and extend their life for a period of time. Still others don't react to any type of medical treatment ... .it's like liver cancer, once you find out you have it you have only months to live regardless of all the medical advances we've had. No matter what you do, it's never going to cure it.

There might be additional underlying issues, Narcissistic behavior, bi-polar or other issues that will complicate any treatment.  But you're already aware of this due to your reading the last 3 years. My exBPDgf had some minor improvements with mood stabilizers but gained 30 lbs and that just made her feel even worse about her self esteem and stopped taking the meds which had her back at square one. Evidence suggest that the neurons on the frontal cortex in the brain are physically underdeveloped and is at this point uncorrectable. I'm told the behavioral therapy is like a band-aid on an open wound ... .it's not going to repair the essential damage to the brain ... .its an attempt to assist the BPD with behavioral modification. Don't get me wrong, there is some success with this type of therapy ... .but it depends on what you define as successful treatment.

As you know my exBPDgf has been in and out of therapy for 25 pus years ... .nothing to date has really changed her behavior in any real manner and she's north of 50 now ... .I don't hold out much hope for her to lead a "normal" life ... .much less a "Semi normal" life. I learned a long time ago that there are some things beyond my control ... .BPD is beyond mine or pretty much anyone else ability.

I've moved on from her flying monkey's ... .I'm in a much better place in life and dating. I no longer miss her to where it hurts or impact my day to day life. The relationship was intense from all aspects without a doubt. But I know I can have just as rewarding relationship with someone else ... .all I had to do was open my eyes, my heart & soul and go forth and explore.  Everyone has to get to their own point to where they need to ... .but more importantly WANT to let go so they can live again.  If you read some of the post on the "staying board" you will see those who have been doing this for 30 plus years in a marriage ... .and things have never changed.  Some decided to stay and accept the life they were living ... .still others stayed because they could never let go.  I guess we all have to ask ourselves ... .with this one life we get to live ... .is that what I want to think about when I"m on my deathbed ... .all the fights, infidelity, the rages, the splitting with someone ... .I can only answer for myself ... .I chose to live a full & happy life ... .

JQ

[Penelope35]

Hi Driver. May I ask, have you been receiving messages all these time? For how long have you been in absolute no contact as in not getting anything from her (texts, calls, msgs on social media etc)?

[Driver]

@JQ


Regarding neurology, I guess it's still a mystery. I've read lots of theories and countertheories. In a nutshell nothing is really certain when it comes to brain and its capacity to change and find its ways to (re-)function. I guess we should never give up on hoping (in a rational way of course) to find a cure.

It's great you have been able to come out of the emotional roller-coaster. Doesn't brain do miracles sometimes to make you feel better? :D


@Penelope35

As a matter of fact, she kept sending me messages. After she calmed down with insults when I broke up, there was a two-month silence or so, and then she started with apologies. All in all, during all these years she's keeping on telling me that I am the only one she'd ever really love (except time after time when she treated me as the worst person she had ever met). Although she is seeing a therapist, she never talks about BPD in her messages, she always talks about a heavy depression caused by the break-up.

[Penelope35]

Hmm... .so you are not in no contact actually. She is contacting you but you are not responding. Have you considered blocking her number and blocking her on social media and everything? Maybe this is the next step in your healing? I can see how a message from my ex takes me back to zero even if it's just to say "hi" and this is what I am working on doing right now. I m trying to convince myself that I have to block all access . I blocked him on viber, skype and fb where we used to communicate more and it was more instant and direct,  but haven't yet blocked him on my phone. I just changed the settings so that his messages go to the spam folder and I get to see them when I want. It is a kind of control for me. I know I will be a 100% ready to let go when I block this access for him too and this is what I am working on preparing me self to do. I just don't feel I will ever be able to heal if I allow him to have control over me. And I admit that he still has control over me tthrough his messages... .He will say things that trigger me or manipulate my emotions. I know it's hard to accept that it's over and cut all contact and accept that you will never see or hear from her again. I am struggling to do so too. But is there really any other way?

[Driver]

Hmm... .so you are not in no contact actually. She is contacting you but you are not responding. Have you considered blocking her number and blocking her on social media and everything? Maybe this is the next step in your healing? I can see how a message from my ex takes me back to zero even if it's just to say "hi" and this is what I am working on doing right now. I m trying to convince myself that I have to block all access . I blocked him on viber, skype and fb where we used to communicate more and it was more instant and direct,  but haven't yet blocked him on my phone. I just changed the settings so that his messages go to the spam folder and I get to see them when I want. It is a kind of control for me. I know I will be a 100% ready to let go when I block this access for him too and this is what I am working on preparing me self to do. I just don't feel I will ever be able to heal if I allow him to have control over me. And I admit that he still has control over me tthrough his messages... .He will say things that trigger me or manipulate my emotions. I know it's hard to accept that it's over and cut all contact and accept that you will never see or hear from her again. I am struggling to do so too. But is there really any other way?

I tried to block her, but she creates other accounts time after time and manages to reach me. I know I shouldn't read those messages, but I admit it, I also have my moments of weakness and I can't help it. Time after time I get nostalgic and I always have this hope that her therapy will help her. In a way it seems it does help her, but still I sense she's not really as she used to be when I first met her.

[Penelope35]

I  know what you are saying. I have my moments of weakness too. I have been trying to negotiate with my self that I will manage to read them and not let them affect me. I can't control that though and I honestly believe that cutting all ties is the only way to let go of the hope. My goal now is to get strong enough to cut all ties. Could you maybe have this as your next goal too? Three years is a long time and it looks like what you have been doing up to now hasn't helped you enough. So maybe try something else, like cutting all contact even if it seems too hard now? When you ready to do that I am sure you will find the way. You don't have to do it tomorrow. But maybe you need to start considering this action more

[Driver]

I  know what you are saying. I have my moments of weakness too. I have been trying to negotiate with my self that I will manage to read them and not let them affect me. I can't control that though and I honestly believe that cutting all ties is the only way to let go of the hope. My goal now is to get strong enough to cut all ties. Could you maybe have this as your next goal too? Three years is a long time and it looks like what you have been doing up to now hasn't helped you enough. So maybe try something else, like cutting all contact even if it seems too hard now? When you ready to do that I am sure you will find the way. You don't have to do it tomorrow. But maybe you need to start considering this action more

Yes, you are right. I don't know why I am still hoping. I feel so lost and confused.

[Penelope35]

It's hard I know... .I am telling you these things so that I can hear them too. You do need to let go of hope though. And you have to have your OWN reasons to do so.

Sometimes I can understand that I am grieving the loss of who I thought he was. Not who he actually is. But other times I miss him so much that I get confused and ignore he has a serious mental health issue that would never allow to have a normal and healthy relationship. Deep down we know we don't want to be in such a relationship for the rest of our lives. But still it's difficult. I am hopeful that we all can overcome this loss. We have to do what ever we can to get us there though

[Driver]

It's hard I know... .I am telling you these things so that I can hear them too. You do need to let go of hope though. And you have to have your OWN reasons to do so.

Sometimes I can understand that I am grieving the loss of who I thought he was. Not who he actually is. But other times I miss him so much that I get confused and ignore he has a serious mental health issue that would never allow to have a normal and healthy relationship. Deep doen we know we don't want to be in such a relationship for the rest of our lives. But still it's difficult. I am hopeful that we all can overcome this loss. We have to do what ever we can to get us there though

The most difficult thing to accept is that we thought we finally found our soulmate. And when we look at the facts we refuse to believe them and desperately are trying to get back to this perfect bubble that seems burst forever.

[Penelope35]

Exactly! That's the most difficult part. But it is the harsh truth... .

[Driver]

Exactly! That's the most difficult part. But it is the harsh truth... .

I never complain in real life, but here I just feel it's ok to do it, cuz people understand all the things we've been through. I need to cry, cry, cry, cry and never stop crying all the tears I have. I just wish I could rewind back in time and live in that perfect world. It was as a glimpse of paradise... .And now, it's like hell fire devoring me from inside.

[Penelope35]

I don't complain easily either. But I think these r/s and break ups can bring people down on their knees. You can cry as much as you need to but at some point you will have to take the control of your life back in your hands. You deserve much better. You know that you have the ability to feel strongly for someone. So make sure you give the opportunity to your self to share those emotions with someone who will be able to reciprocate and with whom the relationship will only grow stronger with time

[Driver]

I don't complain easily either. But I think these r/s and break ups can bring people down on their knees. You can cry as much as you need to but at some point you will have to take the control of your life back in your hands. You deserve much better. You know that you have the ability to feel strongly for someone. So make sure you give the opportunity to your self to share those emotions with someone who will be able to reciprocate and with whom the relationship will only grow stronger with time

Thanks for your nice words.   As far as my life is concerned, nobody actually notices I'm down on my knees, cuz I don't let my emotions take control over my friends relationships and my job. I eat regularly and as healthy as possible, I do sport, I do my job, I do lots of activities, I see people, my family etc.  It is just from inside that I am a wreck.

[Penelope35]

I was like that too but this situation has affected me in so many ways that it is noticeable that I am not doing really well. This is what makes my friends so frustrated too. They are not used to seing me so weak and valnurable. But I am. And I hate it. But i do believe I will come out of this stronger

[Driver]

I was like that too but this situation has affected me in so many ways that it is noticeable that I am not doing really well. This is what makes my friends so frustrated too. They are not used to seing me so weak and valnurable. But I am. And I hate it. But i do believe I will come out of this stronger

If you find anything that works for you please do share, and if I find anything that works for me I'll share it too.

[Penelope35]

Cutting the direct access he had to send me messages whenever he feels like it has already helped me a lot. I only look at his texts in my spam folder when I want to. The next thing I KNOW will help is blocking the texts too. I am not ready to do that yet but I will get there. If I find something else that woukd qork of course I will share. There are lots of people on this forum with much more experience than me who i am sure will give you much more insight when you keep posting and reading. I am trying to learn from their experiences and has helped me a lot! Hung in there. It will get better!

[Driver]

Cutting the direct access he had to send me messages whenever he feels like it has already helped me a lot. I only look at his texts in my spam folder when I want to. The next thing I KNOW will help is blocking the texts too. I am not ready to do that yet but I will get there. If I find something else that woukd qork of course I will share. There are lots of people on this forum with much more experience than me who i am sure will give you much more insight when you keep posting and reading. I am trying to learn from their experiences and has helped me a lot! Hung in there. It will get better!

I know, but what is also interesting is to try to share common experience cuz we seem to be on the same level in our process of getting over our respective relationships. I feel like we're sitting in the same class room.