This must be common but I don't see why I do it: Fantasies about her life now

[Depression = 72% of members]

I catch myself sometimes wondering what she is doing now with her new guy and her 'new life'.

Whenever I do, I always imagine that it is the best possible life she could possibly have, with things going amazingly and her having wonderful exciting weekends with him.

I'm NC, so I don't know. But I never imagine she's unhappy, even though that has to be part of it, or that he is thinking something is off. Hell, the relationship could be starting to fray. But in my mind it's perfect and her life is so much better than mine in every way.

Why would I do this? I understand fantasizing about a great future with her is a way to feel happy and 'heal' my core wounds and fears, but why would I do this after-the-fact fantasizing that is actually painful to me? What purpose does it serve?

Like I said, I'm sure this is common. But I just don't understand why I do it.

Any theories?

[homefree]

I catch myself sometimes wondering what she is doing now with her new guy and her 'new life'.

Whenever I do, I always imagine that it is the best possible life she could possibly have, with things going amazingly and her having wonderful exciting weekends with him.

I'm NC, so I don't know. But I never imagine she's unhappy, even though that has to be part of it, or that he is thinking something is off. Hell, the relationship could be starting to fray. But in my mind it's perfect and her life is so much better than mine in every way.

Why would I do this? I understand fantasizing about a great future with her is a way to feel happy and 'heal' my core wounds and fears, but why would I do this after-the-fact fantasizing that is actually painful to me? What purpose does it serve?

Like I said, I'm sure this is common. But I just don't understand why I do it.

Any theories?

[Infern0]

I catch myself sometimes wondering what she is doing now with her new guy and her 'new life'.

Whenever I do, I always imagine that it is the best possible life she could possibly have, with things going amazingly and her having wonderful exciting weekends with him.

I'm NC, so I don't know. But I never imagine she's unhappy, even though that has to be part of it, or that he is thinking something is off. Hell, the relationship could be starting to fray. But in my mind it's perfect and her life is so much better than mine in every way.

Why would I do this? I understand fantasizing about a great future with her is a way to feel happy and 'heal' my core wounds and fears, but why would I do this after-the-fact fantasizing that is actually painful to me? What purpose does it serve?

Like I said, I'm sure this is common. But I just don't understand why I do it.

Any theories?

It's typical self-scolding self-punishing behaviour of the codependent.

Almost everyone on this site has done it at some stage.

You understand the reality is likely very different to the picture you are painting in your head, I thought this way about my replacement in July of 2014 and by december that year he was hospitalized due to a nervous breakdown she pushed him to.

Can't have been too pleasent for him in that relationship after all. within 5 months he ended up in hospital and within 7 months it was game over for them

[homefree]

See I hear stories like that, but mixed in with the understanding that it can't be all perfect is the idea that this one is different for her, and it will work this time, because me and her ex just weren't right for her. In some ways that is absolutely true. All three of us are very different.

So coupled with this idea that her life is amazing is the idea that it will work this time and that it was just that I wasn't right for her. It sounds stupid just reading that to myself.

But I just won't know if this will last, and even if it doesn't, that doesn't change my situation at all except make me feel better that it wasn't just that I was wrong for her.

I guess I just shouldn't think about it because I don't see any way to think about it that doesn't just keep me in this mindset.

___, sometimes the curtain just pulls back again to show you it hasn't left you at all. Sometime I just want to destroy that part of my mind. It keeps toying with me and tricking me in to thinking things I shouldn't or things I know can't be true, or just wasting my time thinking about things that will get me nowhere.

[peace74]

I think going NC makes it easier to do this.  I have a child with my exBPDh and a child with my current BPDh so I have information to varying degrees that show that the issues that were there for us didn't go away.  History and patterns continue to repeat themselves.  

One reason I think people do this is fear.  Fear that we were the reason it didn't work out.  Fear that our life won't be what we want it to be but that the other person will have a great and wonderful life after causing us pain and altering our lives.  Low self esteem can contribute to this.  You really need to feel comfortable with who you are and love yourself before you can truly forgive and wish good things for others, whether they have harmed you or not.  I know sometimes I catch myself thinking "he doesn't deserve to be happy or have this or that after hurting me and my children so badly."  Then I have to focus on my spiritual nature and re-center myself.  It can also feel invalidating to know or imagine their life being so great.  Like if they succeed or have a better relationship with another it might take away from what we sacrificed or the pain we experienced.  Nothing is going to change that experience so validate that yourself.  When my ex started dating, I started to do what you described.  I just kept telling myself that if things work out great for them(which I doubt) it won't take away from the reality of my experience.  

Just remind yourself when you start to do this:

You are assuming and the reality could be different (people usually don't change their personalities and issues without work)

Let go - wish the best for them and yourself

Try to redirect your thoughts.  It's hard to break repetitive thought patterns but by being aware you can consciously try to focus on yourself or re-direct your thoughts

Remind yourself of everything that was wrong in the relationship and what you truly deserve and want

Good Luck.  Healing is a process

[Fox Mulder]

Hey, homefree. I deal with this too. I've been NC with my ex for a year now, but I'm still trying to get over her. I wish I was at that point already - she left me a year and a half ago after four years together. The days are getting easier, but she's still the first thing I think of in the mornings. I'm still kind of expecting her to be there when I wake up. I'd probably be doing a lot better now if I had gone NC right after the breakup. I've also been an idiot on like a half-dozen occasions and checked her blog, which has ALWAYS been a terrible idea.

After she left me, she moved several states away to start living with my replacement. She's changed her hair color, her style, and even her personality. I wasn't a smoker or a drinker, and she wasn't either while we were together, but the new guy is constantly drunk and high on drugs. So now she is too. She was a waif while she was with me, pale and fragile and glum. With this new guy, she's sarcastic and bitter and critical. But she's also lost a lot of weight and looks absolutely gorgeous now. Her blog is a roller-coaster ride. One post is a picture of her with her boyfriend, half-naked in bed, smoking pot together and looking very content. The next, a hastily-typed rant about how nobody loves her and how she's just complete garbage. This is followed by a post describing in detail how she had sex in a public place with her boyfriend. The next, a sad reflection on her loneliness and how she's been living in New York for a year and still has no friends besides her boyfriend.

I tend to be a negative person, so when I wake up in the morning alone and generally unhappy with where I am in life, I compare myself to her or her new boyfriend and I feel like I'm a complete loser. They're in one of the most awesome places in the world, she gets a ton of money and gifts from him, he gets to benefit from her nymphomaniacal sex drive. Meanwhile, I'm still stuck in my hometown, alone and broke and unwilling to have casual sex outside of a relationship - which means I haven't had any physical intimacy for the past year and half.

Still, it's clear that her BPD is still a source of great pain to her. And social media provides people with a great opportunity to create a facade that doesn't quite represent what's really happening in their lives. So who knows what her day-to-day life is really like, between all those expensive trips her boyfriend takes her on, and all those stories about their amazing sex life. I know it's awful of me to hope that things go badly for her, and most of the time I suppress that urge. But I just hate the way she went, in the space of a single day, from telling me she loved me and couldn't wait to get married to telling me she hated me, felt trapped by me, and thought this new guy was so much more of a real man than I was. Maybe I could be forgiven for wanting her new life without me to go a little less swimmingly.

Anyway, sorry for rambling on about my own situation. In short, that fantasy you have about her amazing new life isn't accurate. She still has BPD and that's already a pretty grim fate. My ex has this amazing new life in an amazing new place with an allegedly amazing new person who literally bought her a car, and yet she still - in her own words - hates herself, doesn't understand why anyone likes her, doesn't have an actual personality or identity, wants to die constantly, and takes a half-dozen pills every day to remain that stable.

The possibility of them doing better without us hurts, and I get trapped in that mindset frequently, but it's quite pointless. BPD people can't even wrap their own minds around their own motivations, ambitions, emotions, and place in the world. How can we ever expect to? There is no closure to be had when considering our BPD exes, whether we're thinking about the failed relationship or the breakup or how they're doing without us. BPD people are like clouds of strange energy, impossible to figure out and easy to get completely lost in. Even though I'm free of them now, every time I think about the what-ifs and try to imagine if she's happier or sadder without me as her partner, I get pulled into that cloud of confusion and that's not a good place to be if you're trying to move forward with your life. I try to remind myself of that every time I think about her.

Good luck.

[Penelope35]

My ex has this amazing new life in an amazing new place with an allegedly amazing new person who literally bought her a car, and yet she still - in her own words - hates herself, doesn't understand why anyone likes her, doesn't have an actual personality or identity, wants to die constantly, and takes a half-dozen pills every day to remain that stable.

With everything that you described about her, the new guy and the relationship they have, what makes you come to the conclusion that she is living an amazing life? What you described is far from amazing. It's actually sad.

Your life may seem boring right now but at least you have peace. This is what I keep reminding my self about. I feel empty some days because my everyday life was filled with him. Not in person but thoughts about him, anxiety caused by him as I didn't know what the next day was going to bring with him, crying for him, frustration and so on. The good days were amazing. But the prize for those days was unbearable. Nobody should live like this. This is not love.

I too feel bored most of the time but I guess it's a phase we have to go through until we get all that drama and anxiety out of our systems and go back to having a stable but fulfilling life. Other than time it also needs work though. I am trying to re engage in things I used to enjoy or even be involved with before I met him, thinking of new things I can add and basically trying to get control of my life back. Because the honest truth is that he still has control over me. But I have given him that power and I have to slowly get it back.

Good luck to all of us

[Tommytwo]

So true Penelope. We are working through the destruction of our ego and the expectations we had in the exciting relationship we had. So yes, in comparison it may seem we now lead boring lives. But if we are doing the work with our T and our Bpd family support we WILL metamorphosis into a vibrant, improved new stronger person.

[cosmonaut]

I believe it's simply human nature.  We think of people we love, and wonder how they are.

But why do we imagine that someone else is doing so much better than we did?  In our grief, we can sometimes blame ourselves for the breakdown of the relationship.  That's natural.  We all made mistakes.  We do in every relationship - BPD involved or not.  Alas, none of us are perfect.  But it's important to use wise mind, and realize it's a shade of gray.  We made mistakes, but we did the best we could reacting in real-time in a very difficult situation.  We can acknowledge our mistakes and learn from them, but we can also forgive ourselves.  Hard to do, I know - I often have the same problem.  I suspect that this is the root of why you imagine everything is so much better with the other guy.  We all make mistakes.  It's human nature.  Give yourself forgiveness for that.  We did the best we could to love someone who has difficulty being loved.

[jc1010]

I do this all the time man and it does hurt. Sh!t sometimes i even ask myself if she has BPD or just a couple of BPD traits and it messes with my head and it circulates the blame onto myself which is BS. i've been trying things like mediation and sweating out negative energy in my body. I like to try guided meditations and it helps me feel really good. I also try to look at the situation as she was toxic to me. She brought me down and filled me with negative energy in my cells, which now... .like you told me @Homefree... .i can empty out everyday, like water on that boat.

i dont know about how your exBPD was for you (assuming not great) but mine really stripped me of my identity. and we as co-dependents try and make everyone happy. when i focused more on meeting all my exBPD needs and seeking for their approval, you lose yourself and thats why i was at rock bottom when i broke it off, tried getting it back and she said no. and then i learned it only took her three and half weeks to get a new guy. But i took your and JQ's advice and went cold NC two weeks ago. The cut is safe now from being re-opened. But now me and you got to get the water out of our boat and heal ourselves. We got to get that toxic negative energy out of our body. When I come out loving myself and seriously loving and having compassion for my body, emotions, and spirit, i find i am most happy.

But like i said in other posts, i've only cut her off two weeks ago and me and you, homefree, were gonna be great and were gona get over these girls. we got this man. times on our side, healing will come, everyday we are more healed

[homefree]

Thanks, JC. And good for you for going NC. That is really difficult to do. In time though, you begin to see how invaluable it is for the healing process. It's a lot easier to deal with drug addiction when we aren't hanging around with our dealer.

[kentavr3]

I feel the same way. NC doesn't work for me because we have daughter. I think a low self esteem plays its role. I also think about my replacement. My therapist advised to think about that you are in court. Your ex is trying to make you guilty for to taking care of her. what you'd say? In my case , we have daughter. And I can't image that new "father" will hit her or say bad words.

[bdyw8]

sometimes the curtain just pulls back again to show you it hasn't left you at all. Sometime I just want to destroy that part of my mind. It keeps toying with me and tricking me in to thinking things I shouldn't or things I know can't be true, or just wasting my time thinking about things that will get me nowhere.

Hey homefree, this is exactly what I do CONSTANTLY as well, so you're not alone.  Someone mentioned about this being a usual thing for a codependent which is a good description of me. 

When I seriously exam the facts, my exBPD has only had two serious relationships.  (1) Her ex husband - relationship ended as he left, took out restraining order against her and wants pretty much nothing to do with her except to communicate about their children.   (2)  Me - relationship ended in torment.  I almost committed suicide, and have pretty much had a nervous breakdown myself.  Seeing two counsellors, a psychiatrist, several calls to crisis lines, etc.

So how do we think ANY relationship they get in will turn out any different when we really look at the facts.  Sometimes it helps to write it out like I just did because my mind can fool me but putting pen to paper doesn't.   

I wish you strength in your recovery!  Glad to hear we're in this together!   

[thisworld]

With obsessive thoughts (in OCD) there is a theory that this is a coping skill that masks underlying anxiety about something. One is for some reason trying to run away from a really anxiety producing thought about themselves and hides in other obsessive thoughts. In my personal case, when this happens, I tend to think that it may really be an attempt to delay a real encounter with my real issues - my own problems or issues that are only about myself. (It may be as simple as having to write an email to my editor about an embarrassing delay or as large as "will I ever find love again?") So, basically, I'm escaping myself. The solution I've found is to stop seeing my self as one big chunk of trouble and handle my troubles in little, manageable bits I choose one small aspect of my life that I know is anxiety-producing for me and try to develop small but solid solutions. Then I move on to something else. I feel helpless when I just think of myself in an abstract fashion because I feel like a huge bundle of problems when I'm in a negative moods. Better to deal with myself in bits and bobs:))  

In one of my threads, some members built very strong and convincing connections between fantasising and detachment, too.

[homefree]

Hi, thisworld. Would you mind finding that? I scanned your posts but I'm not getting any luck. I'm curious what the details were.

Cheers!

[thisworld]

Hi again

Here it is: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=289442.0

Stay strong