Can't seem to break the cycle

[FlyingJ]

Good morning all.

I am just shy of two months no contact after a three year roller coaster of a relationship with my exBPDgf. Everyday is like a broken record for me. I can't seem to stop searching her username on Google, scouring the Internet for anything that Google pulls back and I search for her name on Facebook at least a dozen times a day. She had a Facebook but it's deactivated because she claims she doesn't want future employers looking her up. But in the beginning of the relationship she requested that I keep everything off Facebook. A huge red flag that I ignored, later to find out she had other guys on the side. So I don't know what to "really" believe. I have also deactivated my Facebook because she is the "get even" type and if she sees I have one, I'm afraid she will activate hers and smear her life into my face. It's sad as hell but this girl still has a hook lodged deep into my head. I'm doing everything I can to try and move on. Break the trauma bonds, break the co dependency, break the cycle. Some days are better than others. I've read books, been trying everything in my power. I replaced one addiction (the manipulative addiction with the BPD) with another addiction of constantly searching for the answers and closure I desperately need and in all fairness, deserve. This relationship had given me anxiety unimaginable. It literally tore me apart and brought me to my knees. My rational mind knows I did the right thing, my emotional mind is so scattered it's unbelievable.

Any words or advice that will help me along this excruciating journey would be more than welcomed.

[valet]

Hey FlyingJ, I think it's ok to be confused. I found that I became very hungry for any kind of answer shortly after my breakup as well. I'd say that this is normal. You went through a real experience, and you'll need some time before it can all come together for you.

If you think that habits like constantly looking her up on the internet are a negative force in your life, it might be wise to set some boundaries around your behavior. Can you think of any ways that you might be able to reduce the time you use your computer, for instance?

It might sound hard to believe, but as you return to baseline emotionally those kind of healthy habits (not checking, obsessing, etc) will become second nature. You just have to take steps to get the ball rolling sometimes.

[Mr. Magnet]

addictions are tough to beat

[FlyingJ]

It would be so much easier if technology wasn't at our fingertips whenever we feel the need to use it. Cell phones are always attached to us, and the curiosity kills. I wish I had to turn a computer on and sit down every time I wanted to find out information. It would be so much easier to not care! (Process of turning it on... Etc... )

[Conundrum]

I'm sorry that you're going through a hard time. Yet, you have the right not to be perfect. So be kind to yourself. Checking her Facebook, and ruminating are not actionable offenses. They are human traits. Though they are symbolic.

Both negative attachments and detaching are similar in many ways--because often we do not want either one. What we desire is an idealized communion with our pwBPD. The stuff that dreams are made of.

But in this one life that we share we must clearly perceive. Otherwise, we get stuck in illusions that do not serve us well. If you are afraid of a life with her, yet also are afraid of a life without her--what is the common denominator. It is not her. It is you.

So you see, checking her Facebook keeps you in that purgatory--of a life without her, yet with her. And you know that does not serve you well. But we are imperfect, so go easy on yourself. What will help is finding a centered, warm place within yourself--free from the emotionalism and discord. A place where you feel safe knowing that your life will be fine with or without her. That place is where we learn to feel joy again. I wish you well.   

[Lonely_Astro]

It would be so much easier if technology wasn't at our fingertips whenever we feel the need to use it. Cell phones are always attached to us, and the curiosity kills. I wish I had to turn a computer on and sit down every time I wanted to find out information. It would be so much easier to not care! (Process of turning it on... Etc... )

As Magnet said, addictions are hard to overcome.  But, you're ok.  We've all been there and done that, at least I have.  And the fact is, we are/were addicted to them.  I work with my ex, J.  So, I get the fun task of seeing her during the week.  Otherwise, I am completely NC with her (and extremely LC with her at work).  But, its hard to not look over her and try not to deduce what's going on with her.  I notice if anything is different about her, almost immediately.  Maybe a hair is out of place or her nail color is different or something else.  I did this out of habit and I still do.  I did it when I was in a r/s with her to hint at her moods or if she was being deceiving.  I do it today purely out of habit.

4 years ago, we were together for 4 months.  I was completely NC with her (even at work!) for 3 years.  Trust me when I say the urge to 'check up' on them wains as time and distance works its charms on you.  We had to ride together, I was in a different place with my life (and so was she) and we struck up talking again.  One thing led to another and we were in a r/s for a year.  At the end of 2015, I reflected on how much of a whirlwind it had been.  That's part of what drew me to stay... .the chaos, the passion, the feeling of being alive.  But, like all things, we can't sustain that and it burns it out.  At the beginning of 2015, I was a relative happy guy whose biggest 'problem' was where I was going to go on vacation.  By the end of 2015, I was a paranoid, angry, suspicious, hyper-vigilant shell of my former self and didn't even realize it.

And the sad part?  I still miss 'her'.  The her I knew, anyway.  Turns out, she wasn't anything like she made me believe she was.  But, of course, that didn't stop her from blaming me for walking away.  No.  I was the bad guy for taking control of my life again, for not being an emotional landfill, and for wanting more from a partner.  She still does things to hurt me (whether intentional on her part or her immaturity, doesn't matter).  The sad part?  She still feels like the victim in all this.  Ultimately, disordered or not (though she is diagnosed), she is not a good person.

In time, you'll see that about your ex too and you won't want to have any contact with her.  You won't want to see her or hear her.  You won't miss her.  It just takes time and its a heck of a journey to get there.  Trust me, I've done it... .twice now (currently a little further down the path than you, I think).

[kc sunshine]

I feel broken as well.

We broke up twice-- the first time she broke up she painted me black and was terribly terribly angry at me and acted very crazy.

This time it is much more "sane" seeming, but much much more mean or something. Almost like she learned me better and is hitting me where it hurts this time round. Is that crazy of me to think?

[Lonely_Astro]

I feel broken as well.

We broke up twice-- the first time she broke up she painted me black and was terribly terribly angry at me and acted very crazy.

This time it is much more "sane" seeming, but much much more mean or something. Almost like she learned me better and is hitting me where it hurts this time round. Is that crazy of me to think?

I don't think it's crazy to think that.  Sometimes I think that's what happened between J and me.  She told me all about how she had been to DBT, was managing her BPD (she even went as far as to say she didn't meet the criteria anymore because she was so well managed), seemed so much more mature and genuine. 

Except, she wasn't any of those things.  She had lied from the very beginning (something I didn't find out for awhile/toward the end). So, I don't think it's out of the realm of possibilities that they "hone their skills".

[Feelinstronger]

Your reactions are just like mine, so at least take comfort that you are not alone in your desire to check in on her.  I was with a otherwise marvelous man for nearly 5 years, cycled through 7 break up before this seemingly final one.  He stopped all communication on Christmas and told me on 12/31 that he was done.

I finally deleted my relationship status on FB altogether, and finally removed all the wonderful photos of the two of us from my home - very difficult for me to do. ANd yet - I look at his FB page daily - he really makes no posts ever - and he has not taken our relationship status down.  ANd yes, its weak and stupid, but I hold out some tiny hope that he is reconsidering. I feel so dumb for even thinking this - I guess it shows I desperately want to be back together.

I have a bit of a tough issue: I know his username and password for his email address - we really never hid anything from one another. I checked his email once right after he ended things - but have held firm and not logged in to see his email for 5 weeks.  I must admit, sometimes I want to check it, but I believe 1) it would not be in my best interest and 2) its just wrong.  I wish he would change his password so the thought was never there.

Hang in there. Yes, its brutal, isnt it? To truly love someone and build a life with them, and then without warning, cut off at the knees, treated like an enemy instead of the trusted and loyal partner you were.  Hopefully recovery comes with the passage of time.

[Jazzy]

Feeling stronger, 

Your story is so much like mine... .I was with (what I thought was ) a wonderful man for 6 years till he replaced me. He had been seeing her while he was still with me.  We remained friends at his insistence for 2 months , till I went NC because he changed from the gentlest person I knew into a cruel, mean person I could not recognize .Even though we have not talked or written to each other for 4 months, I still yearn for him and  want to know how he is and where he is.  I do google him up sometimes. Although he is not on FB , I have  looked  up my replacement's page a couple of times , just to know what HE is doing . Maybe I am hoping to see they have broken up or  for some  indication that they are not happy with each other. Needless to say it tears me up to see their pictures and to know they are still together . Yet I want to see how he looks  and to know how he is. In spite of the way he treated me,  I miss him like crazy and I still love him deeply. I know this is not good for me and that it sets me back in my recovery process. I hope  someday I can reach a state   where no matter what he does or who he is with, it makes absolutely no difference to me. I wonder if I will ever reach that point. Till then I struggle with the pain ,while he has  no regrets for the way he discarded me and for the lifelong wounds he has inflicted on me.