Why do friends do this?

[Bigmd]

Well things have been going smoothly. It's been roughly 7 months since breakup with BPD exgf . I started to see a new girl and have been generally happy. Yesterday my work buddy decides to tell me my ex was sitting next to him at a restaurant we go to. I don't know why but I got that sinking feeling in my stomach. She was with her 2 daughters and came over to him to see his baby. I didn't ask any questions really but felt a slight urge to. I hate to admit it but it has kinda triggered me. Not liking how I'm feeling today and hope I snap out of it. I wish he never told me.

[Aussie0zborn]

They might do this because they don't know better or they feel you might find out and get upset if they don't tell you. 

My ex bumped into my friend last week. She had wanted to ban him from visiting our house because I had confided in him.  I wouldn't let her break that boundary so there were many arguments over him. Anyway, he pretended he didn't see her and walked past - she stopped and called his name, all excited to see him. He is too polite to tell her where to go. They know this and pick their marks carefully.

I feel, they will did whatever it takes to be looked at in a favourable light by your friends so that it gets back you. It might be a good idea to ask your friends not to relay any such information in future while you're detoxing. It's a simple request and I'm sure they'll comply. That sinking feeling will eventually go away.

[Confused108]

Big I also had a friend of mine in Nivember do this to me as well. I was fine sitting home watch the Walking Dead and this friend texted me a pic. Well I couldn't see it and right away I knew what it was. I told this friend I could not see the pic and she copied and pasted it to my email. It was a new gorgeous pic of my ex . She changed her profile pic from the one where is had gained weight to another which I believe is an old pic like At least 10 years ago. She looked ... .Amazing ! I said why in the hell are you sending me this for? I was doing so well! Some ppl are just idiots in my book period!

[Rmbrworst]

Hey

Sorry you're feeling this way.  I know how it goes.  Can you tell your friend you would rather not receive updates?  

Sleep on it and I'm sure you'll feel better.  

[Bigmd]

Hey guys thanks. Do you think she did it knowing it will get back to me?

[Confused108]

I think so. What I have learned in the past few. I this is that these individuals are very cunning and sneaky. I would not put it past your ex. I'll give you an example. The story about my ex changing her profile pic on FB and my idiot friend telling me about it. Well the story was the next day so happened to be my exs Birthday. Well it gets better she also sent my ex soon to be wife the same day a message via Facebook to tell me to stop sending her articles about BPD. I want to help her? If we are married and still together I think they should back off from me. This is what my ex BPD sent to my wife. And then 8 min later sent another message just basically saying the same crap just worded differently. The reason she changed her profile pic to a much hotter one was to show up my ex wife  and most likely a message for me that this is what your missing. Meanwhile she dumped me! Lol! Cunning is these ppls middle name! So I would bet my last dollar on the bank that's what your ex wanted to do.

[Bigmd]

I feel a bit better today. This is the craziest thing I've ever dealt with. Just when I'm rolling a long something like this shakes me up. It really sucks. I met a girl a few weeks ago that I was very excited about. Now the last few days I feel scared and second guessing myself .

[Confused108]

I hear you! Same goes for me. Just take one day at a time. Remember time heals everything.

[cosmonaut]

I've found that pretty much everyone I know doesn't really understand what I'm going through.  It's not that they haven't tried or that they don't care.  They simply have nothing in their experiences that would allow them to understand how crazy and traumatic a BPD relationship can be.  So, they make mistakes that hurt us like invalidating us, underestimating the degree of our pain, telling us to just move one, badmouthing our ex, and informing us of the going ons of our ex.  None of it is helpful no matter how well meaning.  It's gotten to the point where I just don't talk about it with anyone.  So, I very much understand and sympathize with what you are dealing with.  The great thing about the site is that everyone here understands what we are going through, because they are living it themselves.

[Bigmd]

Just is frustrating that stuff like this gets to me. That she still has power over me. I even went to therapy today because I wasn't feeling right.

[VeraTrue]

Good job going to therapy today, good call.

Friends do this because like Cosmonaut says, they just don't get it. (That, or they are full-on jerks, which is also possible.) These BPD relationships are not regular breakups. There is a profound violation involved, combined with intense grief of extremely confusing loss.

If you haven't ever loved someone only to find out that they do not actually exist, AND they don't mind hurting you at all (in fact they have been betraying you all along while you thought it was true love, and now you don't trust yourself to even know what reality is anymore) then you can't understand what a horror movie that is. You don't know how triggering any input from or exposure to the BPD person will be to the non.

[Bigmd]

Well thanks everyone. I'm mostly back to normal . I did have lunch with that same friend yesterday. As much as I didn't want to ask him what happened I eventually did. It was no big deal really. She came over asked how they were doing and saw his 1yold son. He did tell me his wife remarked how she is much older than me. I'm 41 and she is 52 I found out after break up. She never lied about age she just never told me the truth. Anyway I'm doing ok. I know there will be more bad days to come. Hopefully they will be fewer and far between .

[Welgrow]

Veratrue,

Great discription of how confusing it is to discover the truth(or possible truth) about a BPD lover.

BigMD,

Great job bouncing back from that derailment. I hope I can respond like you did when I'm further along.

[Bigmd]

Welgrow,

      I'm sure you will be able to. I don't know your story but I know it's difficult. In July my worl was shattered. Day to day life was difficult and mt appetite was non existent. 7 months later I'm better but far from healed. But it's getting easier. Thanks for posting.