BPD Mom Not Contacting the Kids

[KaishaMikasa]

I was recently separated from my DBPDW who originally said she only wanted to be an every other weekend mom.  Seriously that's a quote.  Then she found out that meant she would be paying me support and not the other way around.  So she said she wants 50/50 which I am against due to her new life of guys from the bar, drinking and pill popping.  So we did the mediation and she ended up with 4 out o 14 days and I reduced her child support by more than half hoping it would seal the deal.  Instead she then pushed for even less child support and wanted to take both kids off her taxes every year.  I responded with no way in hell.  Now I had the kids the entire last week and not once did she call or text them the entire time.  The kids didn't seem to mind but I am worried about them being impacted long term.  I know she has a boyfriend one of two that she got before I threw her out.  So maybe she is just busy chasing and mirroring him but still what kind of mother does miss her kids?  Has anyone else experienced this and can you give me some insight on whether or not this will continue?

[livednlearned]

Hi ehartma5,

There seem to be (at least) two types of responses from BPD parents to their kids. One is to be very controlling, where the kids are extensions of themselves and the non-disordered parent fights to carve out a meaningful role in their kids' lives. And the other is when the BPD parent seems to check out, or is only involved in superficial ways. I don't know which is harder -- both seem to have an impact on the kids, although in many ways it is easier to raise the kids when the other parent is not trying to control every move the kids make.

How old are your kids? My ex never called or texted, and eventually when court got up in his business, N/BPDx eventually dropped out completely. It's had a profound impact on my son, who won't say that he feels deeply rejected, though all the signs are there.

It's hard to guess if your ex will continue the way she is, though in general people with BPD do not do stress well, and being a parent is stressful. I've wondered over the years if my ex loves S14 and believe he actually does, though for all the reasons that go along with being BPD, he cannot and will not do what he needs to do in order to man up and be a good dad.

All we can really do is help validate how our kids feel and if you have the means, get them into therapy so they can work with a skilled professional to make sense of something as painful as having a BPD parent.

[Thunderstruck]

There seem to be (at least) two types of responses from BPD parents to their kids. One is to be very controlling, where the kids are extensions of themselves and the non-disordered parent fights to carve out a meaningful role in their kids' lives. And the other is when the BPD parent seems to check out, or is only involved in superficial ways. I don't know which is harder -- both seem to have an impact on the kids, although in many ways it is easier to raise the kids when the other parent is not trying to control every move the kids make.

My SD11's uBPDmom is a weird combination of the two. Sometimes she is very controlling and treats SD11 as her property. She puts on a "mother of the year" act for a few days. She makes decisions without consulting DH and refuses to "share" SD11 when it comes to school functions or events or any sort of information from the school or doctor (that's her way of having the control). Before our temp order, she would do anything and everything to prevent DH from seeing SD11.

Then she gets a new boyfriend or a new friend and she is very distant with SD11. SD11 is left home alone while her mom goes out with friends. Her mom is constantly on her phone. I feel like SD11 craves her mom's attention.

Before we made it a court order, uBPDbm never asked for phone calls. She also would never allow DH to talk to SD on the phone on her nights. We put in the temp CO that the child is supposed to call the other parent every night at 8pm. We follow through. uBPDbm never does. I don't see a problem with the nightly calls. They're usually very short. uBPDbm can put on her "mom of the year" mask for the two minute conversations.

[KaishaMikasa]

I think the new boyfriend may be the biggest part of what is happening. She also mad at me because she wanted to adjust the property amounts $120,000 in her favor and I told her we are getting appraisals.  She has always been a distant mother and everything was about her.  When she does have the boys she just tries to send them to my house.  Some times when I am not home and twice when I was out of town on business.  I worry about the boys but if she disappeared tomorrow I don't know that I would care.  I would like for the three of them to have a realationship but I am not sure she is capable of pulling it off.  I contact my sons everyday they are away from me and always have even when we were married.  My sons have very little connection with her from what I can tell.  She drive me nuts but when I think about it being her must be terrible.  You would think separating her from her kids would be unbearable for her but the only time I hear about that is when wants something. 

[KaishaMikasa]

Lived and learned my sons are 17 and 11.  Obviously, the 17 yr old can chose his own way and often choses not to listen to her.  In fact, he has pulled his brother and himself out of her home on several occasions over the past 2 months.  I worry more about the 11 yr old as she has often singled him out for verbal abuse.  Luckily they live with me the majority of the time.  Tonight my sons facetime me and they are sitting in their bedroom (they have to share one at her place) and asked them why they are not out interacting with her?  They told me that is all they do while they are there every time.  She says she needs to see them and misses them but sends them home and when they are there she ignores them.  It is sad to say considering I did lover her at one time and spent 20 years with her but if she disappeared tomorrow I would not miss her.  I have a fear of my youngest being left alone or having to be influenced by the bar guys she is hooking up with. 

[ForeverDad]

We here are typically conscientious parents and try to be fair but in circumstances such as ours we have to be careful we don't go overboard and sabotage ourselves and our children with those otherwise wonderful qualities.  We should be careful that we don't push contact for the wrong or insufficient reasons.  Sometimes we just have to let things work out.  If the ex has less contact, that's okay.  What we have to be careful about is that we don't let ourselves get marginalized or alienated.  We know we won't mistreat others but the biggest risk is that we get mistreated or wrongly maligned.  At least that my observation.

[mywifecrazy]

I was recently separated from my DBPDW who originally said she only wanted to be an every other weekend mom.  Seriously that's a quote.  Then she found out that meant she would be paying me support and not the other way around.  So she said she wants 50/50 which I am against due to her new life of guys from the bar, drinking and pill popping.  So we did the mediation and she ended up with 4 out o 14 days and I reduced her child support by more than half hoping it would seal the deal.  Instead she then pushed for even less child support and wanted to take both kids off her taxes every year.  I responded with no way in hell.  Now I had the kids the entire last week and not once did she call or text them the entire time.  The kids didn't seem to mind but I am worried about them being impacted long term.  I know she has a boyfriend one of two that she got before I threw her out.  So maybe she is just busy chasing and mirroring him but still what kind of mother does miss her kids?  Has anyone else experienced this and can you give me some insight on whether or not this will continue?

I HAD to respond to your post. You and I are in the same boat. I have been dealing with this for the last 2.5 years since I caught my X in affair and she ran out on me and my 2 sons ending our 18 year marriage. I hate to say it but it was a breath of fresh air reading your post and knowing that there is someone out there who understands what I'm going through.

My X ran into the arms of my neighbor. She signed primary custody of my 2 sons (13&8 then) over to me without batting an eye. Im sure she would have signed them over 100% if I asked looking back. By her actions she didn't want to be a Mom then and her actions still say that now. The only things she's asked when signing divorce papers were "How quick do I have to refinance house (ie when does she get her $$$) and does she get to claim kids on her taxes (again $$$). I was floored at her behavior. She Couldnt  care less about our sons. Through the whole divorce I was worried that she would try to take the kids (I was still in FOG). MY Lawer and others said I need not worry because her actions say otherwise. They could see clearly by her actions that she didn't want them. So she signed agreeing to only seeing them every other weekend.

Not only was she OK with only seeing them EOW but she made up excuses for some her weekends not to have them. She would lie and manipulate my boys when they would try to see her more. The lies were so pathetic too. My 8yr old was on the phone crying to her asking why he couldn't come over to see her. Her excuse to him " My apartment isn't big enough   I even caught her on the phone trying to talk him out of going to mother son valentines dance. She wouldn't go to see my sons sporting events, school concerts, church concerts, etc. She never goes to teacher/parent conferences or is in any way involved with their schooling. She is only involved with our sons when she HAS TO. When she has to get them to an event because they are with her. It's very damaging to the kids emotionally for them to see that their Mom doesn't make any efforts to be in their lives. It's all about her and her new supply. She is def in the isolating love bomb idealization phase with him and she couldn't care less as far as kids go.

You mentioned taxes. My X never asks if she can help  financially with kids and has never asked for more time but she had the AUDACITY to ask of she could claim one son for taxes as "It would help HER". NO mention of doing anything to help out kids, just interested in using them to help her. Like you I told her NO! I informed her that she has no legal (must be 50\50 to claim one) or moral grounds.

I could go on and on about her walking away from her responsibilities as Mother to our sons. But I will end it about my kids.

My older son (16) is very hurt and has been in a !ot of emotional pain by him Mom abandoning him. I've spent many nights with him sobbing on my arms about how he feels like she doesn't love him and that he feels that she chose and is continuing to choose the neighbor over him. Thank God that I got him into counseling. He is learning that none of his mom's actions or lack there of are any reflection on him. He is learning that his Moms actions are about his Mom not him. His. Counselor has also helped me to let go of my sons relationship with his Mom and to focus on MY relationship with him as that is the only way I can positively counteract what she does to him. My younger son although not in counseling has had similar issues and has cryed to me on several occasions. I'm currently considering getting him into counseling.

So much more I want to say to you and make myself available if I can help you in any way. If you're interested in talking privately sen me a message.

Thanks for your courage to share your story.

MWC... .

[Jhart 2021]

If the kids don't mind, maybe it really is fine.  Maybe their needs are being met.  Maybe they are talking with the mother and don't want you to feel somehow betrayed.  There are always three sides to every story, his, hers, and the truth. A little empathy goes a long way.  Perhaps she is struggling with how she fits into their lives now that she sees them 4 out of 14 days instead of being around them 24/7?  Maybe she is embarrassed about her new living arrangements and decreased financial means?  If the kids say they are ok, it is ok for you to allow them to be ok. 

[suffering_parent]

I am in the same situation.   I have full custody with mom only having 3 weeks a year to visit.   During temporary custody she missed her visits and never called the children.   It was a key reason she lost so much visitation.

It's been 3 years and she can still go a month with little to no contact.   She feels some sort of love for the kids, but her mental health really prevents her from being Mom.   When your life is chaos everyday it's hard to be a parent.

My kids have really thrived without her chaos and anger in the house.   I am sure there will be some long term abandonment issues, but I think they are much better off without her around.   I just try to fill all roles for my kids and make sure they are well supported.  Before when Mom was around she took up all my time and energy so the kids were really lacking either parent.   Now all of my attention goes towards them.   Kids really do well when you give them your time and love.