Acting like everything is normal

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

I am so frustrated. I have asked him to move out.

He can't do it right now because he is trying to get a job. I can live with that for another month or so. I don't see him trying very hard to get a job. My fear is that he is deliberately being slow about looking for work because he doesn't want to leave. We have 4 kids. The kids don't want to leave the house and they don't want to live with him. It is much easier for a single man to find a place than it is for a woman with 4 kids. He agrees to this in theory.

My problem is the fact that he is trying to act like everything is normal. There was a death in my family and he attended the services with me and the kids. He put on one heck of a good show. He acted like everything is great between us. He even went so far as trying to match what I was wearing. It was MY relative, not his. All of my family knows what is going on and they all commented on how good he behaved. Usually, he is grumpy. He wasn't grumpy. He was helpful and decent.

When my family stops by, he acts like we are one big happy family. He wants to help and insert himself into whatever he can. Until they leave. . .

I asked him if he told his mom about what is going on. All he told her is that we will be separating after he finds a job. He won't tell anybody that we are both seeing other people. I have nothing to hide. I can explain exactly how and where I met the person that I am seeing. I did not go out and deliberately seek anybody. He is on OKCupid and other dating sites. While I was helping family with funeral preparations, he has to call and inform me that he is going to go to breakfast with some lady he met online. I was annoyed because I was relying on him to be available to take care of the kids because I was knee deep in funeral stuff.

I am not sure what I am looking for with this post. I feel like he is trying to push me away and suck me back in all at the same time. He has to give me a report about all of his "friends" and when he is going to meet with them. And he asks about the person that I am seeing. It is none of his business. I can't be his friend. I can't be his wife. I have zero respect for him and I want as little to do with him as possible.

Does anybody have any words of wisdom or comfort? I need to get this stuff out there. How the heck does one do this stuff after being with somebody for 17 years?

[vortex of confusion]

I am so frustrated. I have asked him to move out.

He can't do it right now because he is trying to get a job. I can live with that for another month or so. I don't see him trying very hard to get a job. My fear is that he is deliberately being slow about looking for work because he doesn't want to leave. We have 4 kids. The kids don't want to leave the house and they don't want to live with him. It is much easier for a single man to find a place than it is for a woman with 4 kids. He agrees to this in theory.

My problem is the fact that he is trying to act like everything is normal. There was a death in my family and he attended the services with me and the kids. He put on one heck of a good show. He acted like everything is great between us. He even went so far as trying to match what I was wearing. It was MY relative, not his. All of my family knows what is going on and they all commented on how good he behaved. Usually, he is grumpy. He wasn't grumpy. He was helpful and decent.

When my family stops by, he acts like we are one big happy family. He wants to help and insert himself into whatever he can. Until they leave. . .

I asked him if he told his mom about what is going on. All he told her is that we will be separating after he finds a job. He won't tell anybody that we are both seeing other people. I have nothing to hide. I can explain exactly how and where I met the person that I am seeing. I did not go out and deliberately seek anybody. He is on OKCupid and other dating sites. While I was helping family with funeral preparations, he has to call and inform me that he is going to go to breakfast with some lady he met online. I was annoyed because I was relying on him to be available to take care of the kids because I was knee deep in funeral stuff.

I am not sure what I am looking for with this post. I feel like he is trying to push me away and suck me back in all at the same time. He has to give me a report about all of his "friends" and when he is going to meet with them. And he asks about the person that I am seeing. It is none of his business. I can't be his friend. I can't be his wife. I have zero respect for him and I want as little to do with him as possible.

Does anybody have any words of wisdom or comfort? I need to get this stuff out there. How the heck does one do this stuff after being with somebody for 17 years?

[Surg_Bear]

It sounds like things are on a wire at your house.  You're both seeing other people, and he is unemployed, so he's staying with you and your kids.  Sounds terribly stressful for you.

I don't have any great words of wisdom, but I did feel compelled to comment about the push-pull thing.

Is he doing it?  YES.

I'll bet that if you look back at your relationship with him, it has always been that way.  I'll bet there have been thousands of times that he was simultaneously charming, and an a-hole.

This gets me to my point.  Your husband probably is a one-trick pony, and will never change.  He will forever act like things are normal at home because his primary concern, is the public appearance of normalcy.  It has very little to do with you at all.  He probably does this all of the time.  How many times has he sided with the waitress when you complained about your food, or the check?  How many times has he told you to get out that person's way?  He doesn't even know that person, but he wants you to get out of their way.  So, yes, he is acting like things are completely normal when people are around.  This is what he does.  Then, when the door closes, and the mask comes off, the disorder takes over.

I don't know what to do, or say, to get him to hurry up and get a job and move on.  I think you're right- he is probably intentionally dragging his feet.  When he gets a job, he has to face the very real probability that he will have to move out, and appear like the failure he is.  The shame is what is keeping him at home with you.  The shame is what motivates him to pretend like everything is OK for the company.  BPD shame is wicked in its intensity and constancy.  If he is effective in convincing the company, or the others at the party, then maybe he is, at least briefly, convincing himself that he is normal, and has nothing to be ashamed about.  I suspect that in a month or so, when you've reached your limit, you'll be posting about how to get this guy to move out of your house!

I'm sorry that you're frustrated in this.  I would be too.

I would have probably snapped and kicked him to the street with his going on a date instead of helping with funeral arrangements thing he pulled.  Why didn't you?  I would have been furious.

Anyway, you are being true to yourself, and gracious to your soon to be ex-husband.  Your kindness is apparent.  At some point, though, you are going to have to cut the apron strings and get him to leave.  I don't think he is going to do so on his own, as long as you allow him to stay... .  unless, unless he finds another love object to mirror.

Good luck, VOC.

Surg_Bear

[vortex of confusion]

It sounds like things are on a wire at your house.  You're both seeing other people, and he is unemployed, so he's staying with you and your kids.  Sounds terribly stressful for you.

It is terribly stressful. I am trying to be nice but I know that I am failing. One of the kids keeps asking me when dad is going to leave. I don't want to block his access to the kids. I want him to be able to be a dad. I was a daddy's girl when I was little so I can't imagine doing anything to interfere with the father/daughter relationship. He is doing enough on his own.

I'll bet that if you look back at your relationship with him, it has always been that way.  I'll bet there have been thousands of times that he was simultaneously charming, and an a-hole.

That made me laugh because it is so true and it has been such a source of confusion for me. How can he act so sweet yet still be such a jerk? I can list thousands of little things that he has done over the years that were super sweet and super nice. When I first started putting the pieces together, I would try to share with people and would get stuff like, "you should be grateful for him" and would then point out the stuff that he does that is nice.

Then, when the door closes, and the mask comes off, the disorder takes over.

I used to chalk it up to him being grumpy. He disguised his disorder behind grumpiness, which could be caused by stomach aches, tiredness, or a number of other ailments that seemed totally legit. Sometimes, he didn't even hide it behind closed doors. He would mask it behind other stuff.

I don't know what to do, or say, to get him to hurry up and get a job and move on.  I think you're right- he is probably intentionally dragging his feet.  When he gets a job, he has to face the very real probability that he will have to move out, and appear like the failure he is.

Why does it have to be presented as 'he is a failure'? I get really annoyed with the notion that this is a result of one or both of us being a failure. I don't even think the relationship itself was a failure. I am sure that there are people in my life that would be surprised that we lasted this long. He and I are two totally different people.

I would have probably snapped and kicked him to the street with his going on a date instead of helping with funeral arrangements thing he pulled.  Why didn't you?  I would have been furious.

I have gotten past the point of being furious. It hurt a little but wasn't a surprise. I feel numb about a lot of his stuff. If I get mad or annoyed, I ask myself, "Vortex, why are you surprised/sad/mad/whatever? Nothing he does should surprise you any more." It is more of a resigned sadness than anything else. I gave this person 17 (more if you count dating) years of my life and had 4 children with him. I don't think I have it in me to be furious any more. I am just done.

Anyway, you are being true to yourself, and gracious to your soon to be ex-husband.  Your kindness is apparent.  At some point, though, you are going to have to cut the apron strings and get him to leave.  I don't think he is going to do so on his own, as long as you allow him to stay... .  unless, unless he finds another love object to mirror.

I keep hoping that he will find somebody with all of his OKCupid ads and other escapades. He has yet to find anybody that sticks around after the first meeting. From what I can tell, the lady he went out with that morning says she wants to be just friends and has very little contact with him since. He is supposed to be meeting up with a chick that he has talked to online but never met. I forget where he found her. It could have been OKCupid or CL or some other such site. It will be interesting to see how that goes. And then there is another lady that he has known for a year and is supposed to be going out with her some time. She keeps putting him off because she is in the process of leaving an abusive husband, blah, blah, blah. I can't tell you the number of women that he has tried to have some kind of relationship with only to have them disappear on him.

I don't get any of it and I have stopped trying. I am done. All I need to do is figure out how to exit the situation as gracefully as possible. I have been thinking about this stuff since I posted this thread. I am glad that you responded as it gives me some more to think about. I don't have any desire to be furious or angry any more. I was looking at the 5 stages of detachment down the right side and I think I am somewhere between processing and creative action. I can see a lot of good that has come out of all of this but I am not quite ready for creative action. I have 4 awesome kids. I have learned a lot about myself. This is no longer about him. This is about me and how I can successfully detach without getting sucked into his weirdness. I think that is what bothers me most about him acting like everything is normal. It makes me feel crazy. It makes me feel like he hasn't heard a single word that I have said in the last couple of years. In 2013, he said to give it a year. In 2014, he said to give it a year. In 2015, he said to give it a year. Now it is 2016, I am not giving it any more years. Each of those times, he used his 12 step recovery program as an excuse and went on about how the recommendation was to give it a year.

For me, creative action will happen once I find a way to get him to move out. I may have to get creative in figuring out a way to get him to move out. I feel like I am suffocating.

Good luck, VOC.

Surg_Bear

Thank you for taking the time to respond!

[Cat Familiar]

Hi Vortex,

I've missed your wisdom on the Staying board, so I looked for you and here you are and I've read some of your recent posts.

I'm sorry about the death in your family. Isn't it just like a pwBPD to be so selfishly oblivious in that situation?

When I broke up with my ex-husband many years ago, extracting him from my life felt like trying to get gum off my shoe. What finally worked was when he got involved with someone else. I was so done with him that I was thrilled and I even harbored some idiotic notion that we could all be friends. But as BPDs do, he totally painted me black with her. No loss. Actually, it made it easier to sever the ties forever.

Your situation will be different, since you will be co-parenting.

I just wanted to wish you the best and all the happiness you deserve. You've given it your all and now is your time to enjoy life without the BPD albatross weighing you down. From what you write, I can see you are totally done and it's terribly frustrating that he is clinging on. Things will change. I'm sure it will seem like forever, but when you are on the other side and look back at where you are now, I'm sure you'll feel such incredible relief. 

Cat

[vortex of confusion]

Hi Vortex,

I've missed your wisdom on the Staying board, so I looked for you and here you are and I've read some of your recent posts.

Thank you Cat! I reached a point where I just couldn't do it any more. I don't feel like I can give advice on the staying board right now as all I want to do is say "RUN!" The last 6 months or so have been kind of rough for me.

When I broke up with my ex-husband many years ago, extracting him from my life felt like trying to get gum off my shoe. What finally worked was when he got involved with someone else. I was so done with him that I was thrilled and I even harbored some idiotic notion that we could all be friends. But as BPDs do, he totally painted me black with her. No loss. Actually, it made it easier to sever the ties forever.

I love the analogy of getting gum off your shoe. That is exactly how it feels. He completely baffles me some days. He is telling me about seeing different women yet offers to cut my toe nails and acts annoyed when I say "No thanks." I don't want him touching me in any way at all. Not even to cut my toe nails or pop a zit. My biggest problem right now is that he is constantly in my space. He doesn't have a job and doesn't seem to want to go anywhere alone. If I try to go out with the kids, he wants to tag along. The kids are as fed up with him as I am.

Your situation will be different, since you will be co-parenting.

For some reason, I don't think co-parenting with him will be too difficult. The kids reject him and only went to spend time with him in small doses. They have no respect for him whatsoever.

I just wanted to wish you the best and all the happiness you deserve. You've given it your all and now is your time to enjoy life without the BPD albatross weighing you down. From what you write, I can see you are totally done and it's terribly frustrating that he is clinging on. Things will change. I'm sure it will seem like forever, but when you are on the other side and look back at where you are now, I'm sure you'll feel such incredible relief. 

Thank you so much for the wishes! Yes, I am totally done. I don't have anything left to give. My kids and I deserve better than this. I was willing to hang on as long as I thought that is what was best for the kids. I know longer think that staying is best for the kids. I feel a bit of relief over making the decision and feeling so good about it. I have my days when I stumble and backslide. Most days, my resolve is firm.

[Notwendy]

Hi Vortex, I just wanted to wish you the best on your journey.

What I see in your H is more of the same- ambivalence. He seemed to like being part of a family while still doing his own thing- video gaming, OK cupid. I can see why you would be concerned that he would not take steps to be on his own. I don't have advice about this. I wonder if the posters on the legal board would.

How do you do this after 17 years? Be easy on yourself. Few people are all good or all bad, and yes, he has some nice qualities, but this is in addition to the issues that have made your relationship difficult. Even if ending this relationship is the best decision for you, it would make sense that an ending would come with a range of emotions.

You have been the strong resilient one. To me, I would think that his behavior is in part from fear. I don't know if he thinks he can be on his own. That's not your problem but it may in part explain why he seems to be in your space and reluctant to leave. Sometimes behaviors make sense if they are masking underlying fears.

But I see that you are done and I'm only addressing him because of the question of why he is acting the way he is. I know that this isn't your issue to solve. I hope that you are getting support for this, even though you have decided, it isn't easy to negotiate a separation with someone and I wish you the best, and peace in the long run.

[Cat Familiar]

I don't feel like I can give advice on the staying board right now as all I want to do is say "RUN!

I've gotten in trouble two times on the staying board for giving "run" messages, so I'm trying to be more careful.    However, when I see someone who has just gotten into a relationship with a pwBPD and it's already gone bad, it makes me sad knowing how they will soon experience heartbreak and frustration.

I'm glad you feel strong in your resolve. You certainly gave the relationship a good try.  

[Notwendy]

One reason to not say "run" on the staying board is that all of us, and our relationships are different. It is also that we have reasons to have chosen these relationships. Something about us makes us choose them.


The decision to stay or leave is really a personal, internal decision. The process of arriving at this decision is one of personal reflection and growth. This is why someone else can't do it for them and saying it to them could bypass their own process of making the decision.


One relationship that I could not understand was my parents'. I didn't understand why my dad didn't leave. I understood that he would want to be around to raise us,  but my parents remained married long after we kids grew up and left home, and my father stayed the rest of his days. To be honest, I would not want to live with my mom, but his choice was not mine to make. Nobody really knows all the connections between two people, and the connection between my parents was strong. It was not something I could see as an outsider. In this same manner, I extend that understanding to others.

VOC, I think you have worked hard and come to a decision. By doing so, you own it and then can act according to it.

[Cat Familiar]

One reason to not say "run" on the staying board is that all of us, and our relationships are different. It is also that we have reasons to have chosen these relationships. Something about us makes us choose them.

Yes, everyone must learn these lessons on their own. The "trouble" I got into some months ago was when someone in a dating relationship posed a question like ":)o you think this is bad decision to pursue her?" and I responded, "Yes."

I've learned to keep my mouth shut and it's a good lesson in other contexts too. But sometimes the truth just wants to slip out when asked for an opinion. I think it's just an overreaction on my part to being so noncommittal with my opinions because it wasn't safe for a lot of reasons. Now I don't have that issue, but discretion is the better part of valor.

[vortex of confusion]

What I see in your H is more of the same- ambivalence. He seemed to like being part of a family while still doing his own thing- video gaming, OK cupid. I can see why you would be concerned that he would not take steps to be on his own. I don't have advice about this. I wonder if the posters on the legal board would.

I am not ready to take legal action yet. I am still trying to be nice. I am trying to rebuild my real life support network. I have talked to his mother and let her know what is going on. He hasn't really told her anything. His pattern is to ignore things and hope they go away, which is what I feel like he has done to me for years. If he ignored me long enough, I would go away or take care of things for myself. I honestly feel like I could be laying in the street dying and asking for his help and he would say, "Just a minute, I need to finish this quest first." I cannot live like that any more. I think he is approaching my being done the same way. If he ignores me long enough and acts like everything is normal long enough, then I will lose my resolve and let things be.

Heck, that is how he "encouraged" me to go be with somebody else. I was crying and said I didn't want to do it. He completely ignored my hesitation and discomfort. Instead, he patted my back and gave me all kinds of love and attention and said, "It will be okay. You will have fun." So I did it and hated myself for it afterwards. He encouraged me to tell him all about it as though that would make everything all better. I wasn't able to process all of that until I drew a line in the sand and refused to be intimate with him again.

This feels very much like that did. It feels like he is ignoring my discomfort and trying to push me to do what he wants, which is for both of us to see other people while carrying on like everything is normal. I can't do that. I am a one man woman. I cannot have multiple "friends". I tried it and it doesn't work for me. I want to be in a relationship where I can give my full attention to ONE man and have him do the same for me. This crap of dating others and then talking to each other about it does not work for me at all. It feels like such a huge violation. He is not one of my female friends. He is not one of my support people. He is somebody that I am trying to leave. He may be getting some kind of thrill about asking me about my new relationship and telling me about his "friends". I don't get a thrill out of it. I get sick at my stomach. My new relationship is MY business, not his.

How do you do this after 17 years? Be easy on yourself. Few people are all good or all bad, and yes, he has some nice qualities, but this is in addition to the issues that have made your relationship difficult. Even if ending this relationship is the best decision for you, it would make sense that an ending would come with a range of emotions.

Even in the end, I am trying to give him the benefit of the doubt. I still think that he is basically a good person. I cannot live with him or have a relationship with him. I don't think he is a family man. He was a monk for several years. I have spoken with several people that have said he never should have left the monastery. I have other real life friends that have said that I am being too nice. I feel like most of my emotions right now have to do with feeling impatient. I have cried too many tears already. I have sacrificed myself. I have tied myself up in knots over him. Now, I am ready to move on. I want my space. I have moments of anger because he keeps pushing himself on me. I can't even decline something without him getting irritated with me and saying, "I was just trying to be nice."

Since today is the Super Bowl, he wants pizza for dinner. I said that was fine. He asked if I would eat a supreme if he got it. I said no. He wanted to ask me why. I don't typically eat pizza because it gives me terrible indigestion. He says, "Are you not in the mood for pizza or is there some other reason?" I just don't want friggin' pizza. Period. Yes, I got a little short with him. I was heading out the door to go to work. I told him to feed himself and the kids and I would worry about food for me when I got home. So he gets huffy and says, "I was just trying to be nice." No, he wasn't. He was trying to get me to engage. He has been doing that a lot lately. Violating my privacy, listening to my conversations on the phone or with the kids, doing little stuff and then getting mad if I don't thank him in the correct tone of voice. I tried to be more neutral in a response and he gave me a bunch of crap about how robotic I sounded. If I go outside to get space, he follows. He has his own room with a TV. He has a laptop too. I sleep on the couch and wake up to what feels like him watching me. I barely have my eyes open and he says, "Hi". It is creeping me out and making me feel very uncomfortable.

I am done. I have nothing left to give to him.

You have been the strong resilient one. To me, I would think that his behavior is in part from fear. I don't know if he thinks he can be on his own. That's not your problem but it may in part explain why he seems to be in your space and reluctant to leave. Sometimes behaviors make sense if they are masking underlying fears.

I know his behaviors are from fear. They are also a result of the fact that his reality is broken. He is in denial. He only sees the things he wants to see. He doesn't want to see that I am done. He is trying to charm and suck me back in. And, I think part of it is that he is trying to pour on his version of "nice" so that he can go tell everybody what a horrible person I am. He did all of this stuff and I ran off with another man.

The funny thing is that anybody that knows us knows that I am the one that has done the lions share of everything for years. I have had friends comment, "Oh, he just needs you to take care of him." Our oldest daughter has been taking a lot of initiative with yard work lately. She has been working on a project that has needed done since last year when we got a new roof. He has not lifted a single finger to work on it. I have had people come over and ask, "You still haven't done that. What is taking you so long?" I would tell people, "I am waiting for him to do it." He never did. He sat and watched me work on it one day. He couldn't help because he was on the phone. He sat and watched me shovel and rake. The oldest and I worked on it together yesterday. He sat on his butt. I was tired and he got onto me because I seemed irritated or something. I was tired. I had been shoveling and raking. I told him what the oldest and I had done. His response, "Why didn't you come get me? I would have helped." Yeah right, he would have said just a minute or I have to go to the bathroom and by the time he got out there, we would have been done anyway. Or, he would have nitpicked us and found ways to correct us or get in our way and then get mad because we didn't fall all over ourselves because he helped.

But I see that you are done and I'm only addressing him because of the question of why he is acting the way he is. I know that this isn't your issue to solve. I hope that you are getting support for this, even though you have decided, it isn't easy to negotiate a separation with someone and I wish you the best, and peace in the long run.

Thank you for the wishes! I have reached a point where all I want is for him to leave. I am not going to negotiate with him. There is nothing to negotiate. If he doesn't want to help me with the kids or give me financial support, that is fine by me. I will figure out how to do it on my own. If he wants to live a life free of responsibilities, he can have it. I don't have the time or the energy to deal with a man child whose only goal in life seems to be playing online games and finding women to talk to online. Maybe he can find a younger woman that is into gaming and wants to be his mommy.

When the time comes, I will do what I need to do to protect myself and the kids. Until then, I am trying to be nice and get all of my ducks in a row. And stay sane in the process. I am here because I need a safe place to vent and gather strength.

[vortex of confusion]

I've learned to keep my mouth shut and it's a good lesson in other contexts too. But sometimes the truth just wants to slip out when asked for an opinion. I think it's just an overreaction on my part to being so noncommittal with my opinions because it wasn't safe for a lot of reasons. Now I don't have that issue, but discretion is the better part of valor.

It is all about balance. There are so many things that I would love to say but don't. I attribute a lot of my mess to keeping my mouth shut for too long. I dismissed myself to the point where I shared almost nothing because I knew that if I said something, it would be dismissed. Finding the power to express yourself again is awesome. I know there have been times when I have been a bit over zealous with it. It is all part of the process. I can have my truth and my opinions and let other people have theirs. Even if I have objectivity on my side, I know that my husband will not see or hear what I am saying. I can have everybody in the world back me up with objective facts and examples and he is still going to see things his way. Instead of backing down, it will be turned into, "You have everybody on your side like always and I look like the bad guy." (He said that to me the other night after somebody sided with me because he was clearly being a jerk.)

In his mind, I am too demanding and want too much. (Asking him to go to counseling or to remember to do something small like a regular household task is his idea of too demanding.) No amount of sharing my thoughts and opinions is going to help him. It will only lead to him feeling completely invalidated. When I was on the staying board and was asked some really tough questions, I felt invalidated. I had to come to it in my own time and at my own pace. In retrospect, I wonder why in the world it took me so long to see what other people could see.

[Cat Familiar]

In his mind, I am too demanding and want too much. (Asking him to go to counseling or to remember to do something small like a regular household task is his idea of too demanding.) No amount of sharing my thoughts and opinions is going to help him. It will only lead to him feeling completely invalidated. When I was on the staying board and was asked some really tough questions, I felt invalidated. I had to come to it in my own time and at my own pace. In retrospect, I wonder why in the world it took me so long to see what other people could see.

I see this all the time on the Staying board and sometimes I'm the a*hole who keeps pushing on someone. I think I do that because I wish some of the people who could really see what was going on with my first marriage would have said something to me. After I left, I got a lot of feedback after the fact that let me know they could plainly see my ex for who he was. I just wish someone would have spoken up. However, I probably couldn't have heard it at the time anyway.

[Notwendy]

Vortex, I think we are all on our own paths and see things when we are ready.  I am sorry you felt invalidated on the staying board. I am sure those were some of my questions too.

I think wherever you are is exactly that: wherever you are. Your H's style is passive, which I can see how the concern that he may not leave is there.

I can see how frustrating it must be to live with someone who just doesn't seem to do anything proactive or with inititiative.

[vortex of confusion]

Vortex, I think we are all on our own paths and see things when we are ready.  I am sorry you felt invalidated on the staying board. I am sure those were some of my questions too.

My feelings of invalidation had nothing to do with the other posters. My feelings had to do with the fact that I was looking for somebody to validate something that was completely invalid. One of the first rules of validation is ":)on't validate the invalid."

I wanted to stay but it became very apparent to me that it was not possible. I am not capable of doing what it takes to stay. I would have to do things that completely go against who I am as a person. Since I have made the decision to leave and have been working towards detaching, I have had several people comment that I am more like the Vortex that they know and love.

Some of the things that my stbx have done are things that I cannot get past. I have to get away from him to heal some of these wounds.

I think wherever you are is exactly that: wherever you are. Your H's style is passive, which I can see how the concern that he may not leave is there.

I know he is not going to leave unless or until I get forceful about it. I will have to have all of my support firmly in place before I can do that.

I can see how frustrating it must be to live with someone who just doesn't seem to do anything proactive or with inititiative.

He can take the initiative to meet up with people on his game. He can take the initiative to post ads on OKCupid. He could get up at the butt crack of dawn to get dressed and go meet some other lady for breakfast. He can take the initiative to plan dates with other women. He can't take the initiative to take out the trash or do things that need done around the house. He couldn't take the initiative to make sure that the bills were paid while I was busy dealing with funeral stuff related to my grandma. He can only take the initiative on things that directly benefit or excite him. He can take the initiative to try to charm and suck me back in. I know his games. I am not falling for them again.