Anyone feel like a fish?

[purekalm]

I suppose it's all push/pull, but it makes me feel as though I'm a fish on a hook. When I assert myself and make it clear he won't be making me miserable he puts the hook in and tosses me in the water. He has his fun, does what he pleases and then gets bored, has an unfulfilled need and decides to fish me back out to play. He soon either gets bored or I assert myself and I'm flying back to the water with a smack and a splash.

He seems to only want me when I don't make myself available to him in any way. He doesn't want me happy, and he proves that everyday. He'll talk and laugh to my family, co workers, friends, pretty much everybody but me and my son. (He's our son but I do everything and actually love him.)

I'm glad this is the detaching board because even though I still live with him, that's exactly what I've been doing. I don't think you can ever stop loving someone you truly loved, but I believe that love can change. For me, I haven't loved him as a man, my husband for a while. I love him as a person. It's weird because I know him well, yet he's a stranger to me. It's been hard, but the last time he tried to fish me out, I took myself off the hook, and he's not happy. But I am. =)

[Lonely_Astro]

More like a mushroom... .

Kept in the dark and fed a lot of $hit.

[Confused108]

I feel like my ex patiently waited to "hook" me. Over 2 1/2 years. Very cunning , very slick, very seductive. The sad part for me is that I dated her before she became this monster.

[kc sunshine]

I think I am not in denial anymore that my ex has a very serious mental illness. I am sometimes confused by whether or not she is knowingly cruel, vindictive, and punishing. The things she does/did are brutal, but is that really who she is? Or even a part of who she is? Does she think cruel, vindictive, and punishing thoughts and then follow through on them with actions? Or is it just thoughtlessly brutal? That is confusing to me. Is it/was it to you all as well?

[Teereese]

  Purekalm, I can so relate to your entire post. My stbxh had no problem moving out for weeks to do whatever it was he wanted to do, as long as it didn't include me and our kids.

I do feel for him, as he has been dealing with, and will continue to deal with a true disorder.

I have put myself first. Even on my worst days, it is better than being devalued and belittled or raged upon.

More like a mushroom... .

Kept in the dark and fed a lot of $hit.

Lonely_Astro made me chuckle 

[purekalm]

Teereese I agree, he is a very miserable man. I think some of the reason he makes me miserable is so he doesn't have to acknowledge his own sorry state. Even with my crazy upbringing, I can be happy and at peace, while he doesn't seem capable of it at all unless he's somehow above everyone at the moment. That's what my dad would do, disappear at parties by a lake with a bunch of hippies or who knows what with no explanation and then return with none like it was a plausible thing to do. My mom even took us with her a couple times to fetch him when she could because we didn't have food or necessities he was supposed to have gotten. It was crazy... .

Lol at Lonely Astro!  I totally get it. It's how I felt when my son's birth triggered his switch and he went from mildly annoying to dangerous and overbearing. I was like, WHAT? Who is this?   

kc sunshine, I believe that very question is a huge reason why I stayed so long. It was bewildering enough to be on the receiving end of such acts or words, but then that question remained? Did he do that on purpose?

Unfortunately for me I grew up with an uBPD dad, so I recognized those behaviors when they were coming from my husband. I just didn't think anyone but my dad and sister could act that way, it was a completely different experience when it's someone you've given everything you have to expecting them to cherish you, and then you're repeatedly stomped on and alternatively thrown on a throne and then back under the feet many times just in a given day. My dad definitely planned a few things he did to my mom and us, but for the most part I think they are very reactive people who just do what they feel in the moment. What I noticed with my husband, no impulse control WHATSOEVER. He does just about everything without thinking to be honest, and then gets upset with the negative results of his actions like it was someone else's fault because he literally cannot seem to handle being viewed in any kind of negative light. It's sad really... .

Confused108, I'm really sorry for your pain. Sometimes it's nigh impossible to spot them, because some are a lot more practiced at hiding themselves. It's like, as long as they are pursuing they can keep it together, but as soon as you get serious they balk and "go crazy" or run. Devastating for us. I won't pretend to not have my own issues, and I don't hate him, but I can't live my life like this anymore. I want myself and my son to be happy, so I have to make it that way, even if that means he is no longer in the picture. He makes his choice, and I make mine.

[Lonely_Astro]

I think I am not in denial anymore that my ex has a very serious mental illness. I am sometimes confused by whether or not she is knowingly cruel, vindictive, and punishing. The things she does/did are brutal, but is that really who she is? Or even a part of who she is? Does she think cruel, vindictive, and punishing thoughts and then follow through on them with actions? Or is it just thoughtlessly brutal? That is confusing to me. Is it/was it to you all as well?

I can only speak from my experience here, but J always told me she knew what she was doing.  So when she would ST me, she knew it was punishment, she simply just didn't care how it made me feel.  Those were her words, by the way, in a moment of lucidity with her when we were talking.

J isn't an outward rage type, so she never called me names or anything.  In a bit of afterthought, though, I did notice she would throw digs out in a passive aggressive way.  I do know she also ran me down to at least one of my friends at least once.  He and I were talking after J and I broke up, which she said he had said something about us.  This friend and I go way back, like half of J's life back.  So I asked him, he denied making the statement and he was pretty upset that she had told me he said that.  Anyway, I believe him, but he had told me that she made the comment about how all he ever asked her was how I was doing.  Her reply, was classic.  "He's so negative all the time, he's always b!tching about something."  Which I found ironic, because J would complain about everything.  I'm usually laid back, but have my moments like everyone, so I guess anytime I complained about something I was "always negative" to her, yet she could complain about everything ("they got my lunch order wrong, how stupid do you have to be to work at a fast food place?" and if you ever pointed out her negativity she would get highly upset.  It hasn't been until recently I just realized how much I walked on eggshells with her.  It was pretty much all the time and I didn't even think about it.

But, my original comment still stands: I was kept in the dark and fed a lot of $hit from her.  There was soo much I didn't even know until recently.  Sometimes, ignorance is bliss.

[Rmbrworst]

I've heard some fish only have memories that last a few seconds. 

I'm not sure if it's true, but in that sense I feel like a fish.  He would do so many terrible things that hurt me deeply.  He emotionally abused me and discarded me.

I would always go back to him, completely forgetting all the bad stuff over and over again.  I would forget all the mistreatment, because I would get the "real" version of him back.  The sweet, kind, caring person that he really was.

Well, fortunately I'm no longer acting like a fish with a short memory.  My memory is back and I see all the cruel spiteful things he did.  Now that I see clearly, getting back together is forever off the table. 

When you're in a relationship like this, it's almost like survival instincts kick in, and you can only think of getting through day to day.  You're not thinking with your full capacity (full memory).

[Lonely_Astro]

I've heard some fish only have memories that last a few seconds. 

I'm not sure if it's true, but in that sense I feel like a fish.  He would do so many terrible things that hurt me deeply.  He emotionally abused me and discarded me.

I would always go back to him, completely forgetting all the bad stuff over and over again.  I would forget all the mistreatment, because I would get the "real" version of him back.  The sweet, kind, caring person that he really was.

Well, fortunately I'm no longer acting like a fish with a short memory.  My memory is back and I see all the cruel spiteful things he did.  Now that I see clearly, getting back together is forever off the table. 

When you're in a relationship like this, it's almost like survival instincts kick in, and you can only think of getting through day to day.  You're not thinking with your full capacity (full memory).

We all have the capacity to forget the bad stuff and only remember the good stuff.  We'll minimize the bad because the good was, well, good.  We feel we are in love with them and they are sick, so we minimize the abuse.  We long for that "good time" we had with them and we feel that we have to go through the bad because the good is waiting for us.  Thats our reward for proving to them we love them that much.  Unfortunately, there is no light at the end of that tunnel for the vast majority of us.

It's just like my signature: "you won't be the same".

[Teereese]

I can only speak from my experience here, but J always told me she knew what she was doing.  So when she would ST me, she knew it was punishment, she simply just didn't care how it made me feel.  Those were her words, by the way, in a moment of lucidity with her when we were talking.

My stbxh would never admit to anything. I feel as though he knew what he was doing and did not care how it made me feel. I would have appreciated a few moments of lucidity from him over the past decades.

I do know she also ran me down to at least one of my friends at least once.  He and I were talking after J and I broke up, which she said he had said something about us.  This friend and I go way back, like half of J's life back.  So I asked him, he denied making the statement and he was pretty upset that she had told me he said that.  Anyway, I believe him, but he had told me that she made the comment about how all he ever asked her was how I was doing.  Her reply, was classic.  "He's so negative all the time, he's always b!tching about something."  Which I found ironic, because J would complain about everything.  I'm usually laid back, but have my moments like everyone, so I guess anytime I complained about something I was "always negative" to her, yet she could complain about everything ("they got my lunch order wrong, how stupid do you have to be to work at a fast food place?" and if you ever pointed out her negativity she would get highly upset.  It hasn't been until recently I just realized how much I walked on eggshells with her.  It was pretty much all the time and I didn't even think about it.

But, my original comment still stands: I was kept in the dark and fed a lot of $hit from her.  There was soo much I didn't even know until recently.  Sometimes, ignorance is bliss.

He ran me down to whomever would listen. I was totally ignorant of it happening until his coworkers or friends would make odd comments upon meeting them at events or parties.

In the past few years, a  couple of mutual friends and family members came to me to "clear the air" about his stories. He also had a habit of telling me family or friends said horrible things about me. I found out he actually made the statements to them. He did not want me to have relationships or friendships. It was all manipulation and isolation.

I was always worried about covering for him and hiding his flaws from people, keeping things to myself, out of what I thought was respect and love. It wasn't ... .it was FOG.

His complaints of negativity were the same. He would complain about everyone and everything loudly and aggressively. I could not go to coffee or food places with him ... .his attitude and disrespect to service people was out of control. I would get embarrassed. I also worried there was a lot of mistreatment of the food and drinks he was served. 

[Lonely_Astro]

Be careful about wishing for lucidity.  While it was great to have it, to actually hear the truth, it's double edged.  Like when she told me that she knew ST was hurtful to me but she couldn't see past herself to stop it.  It's almost like she got a rush by having that kind of control over someone.  If I didn't respond, she would surface up a couple of days later with an apology.  If I didn't reply to that apology in less than 10mins, I would get the obligatory "well I guess you're done with me" text from her.  You know, it's fine for her not to speak to me for however long she felt like, but I wasn't allowed the same luxury.  It became so taxing.

She had made the comment that one of the reasons she had pulled away was because my friend had made a comment to her about wanting to know when I was going to "make an honest girl" out of her (since we were having an affair).  She never liked that my friend knew, early on, that we were.  She hated (I mean, loathed it) that he knew.  Anytime if talk to him and she saw me with him, she'd immediately text me "well I guess you all are talking bad about me".  Which was ridiculous.  I think she was attempting to drive a wedge between my friend and me because of that.  He denied ever saying/asking such a thing and I wholeheartedly believe him.  Like I said, I've known him half of J's life.  He and I have secrets that will never see the light of day from our younger years... .that's how well we know each other.  Even after we fell apart and she saw him in my office, she immediately text me with "well I guess you're telling him what a horrible person I am."

But, that's also when I found out she had talked about how negative I was and how I was "always b!tching about something".  J had never inferred to me that I was negative.  I'm sure I had moments, especially after having been through a spat of ST with her that I was.  I don't pretend that I didn't misstep along the way with her.  I was doing the best I could to validate her and keep my boundaries at the same time.  I was always honest with her and did my best to make us work because I wanted us to.  Turns out, I was flying solo on that adventure and she forgot to tell me.