Trying to figure this out

[Rene67]

Hi

I am here in desperation. My son has fallen in love with someone who has BPD. They have a three month old daughter and are planning their wedding. She is also a rape survivor, had awful parenting (her history suggests her mother may have been abusing drugs or alcohol while pregnant with her) and she has post partum depression.  She has episodes which quickly escalate, last night being the most recent.

When she is not in one of these, she seems to be a thoughtful, intelligent and wonderful person. But when these happen, my son is crushed. She focuses it on him. I can see she genuinely seems hurt and lost but the reaction is highly disproportionate and off the scales. Cops were called last night.

I am looking for ways to help my son cope. He is willing to stick with her and she has agreed to more therapy (although so far no one she has called wants to treat BPD). So for now i am trying to keep my son sane. He has not been exposed to this kind of thing before, 26, and very tenderhearted. This is breaking my heart.

Thanks for listening,

Rene

[Turkish]

Hello Rene,

It does sound heartbreaking to witness what's happening there. I also sense that despite this, you do have affection for your DIL, and like your son, probably are struggling trying to reconcile her fragmented or compartmentalized personality.

What happened with the cops, and s everybody safe right now? Was it suicide ideation, domestic violence or both?

3 months is such a tender age. I remember my Ex, then some months pregnant with our daughter, storming out of her mom's house on a Christmas Day, leaving me there with our then almost 2 year son. I shortly got a "yellng" text, "Bring home our baby!" I arrived to find her curled up on the bathroom floor, utterly despondent. I found what sounded almost like a suicide note on our computer. I was very close to calling 911. I didn't know what to do. These situations are scary.

What I can encourage you to do is have your son register here and post on the Improving Board. He can get "live" support. Sadly, this story isn't uncommon  :'(

It's good, crucial even, to have a safety plan.

Safety First

You can pass this on. He should be able to access it without registering here, as well as these lessons, which are extremely helpful:

Lessons for Members who are in a Relationship

They can help you and your son learn more about BPD, and Lesson 3 contains the communication tools, developed by leading experts in the disorder, which can help reduce conflict with a high conflict personality. Validation goes a long way (and this tool will help you when the baby starts growing up, too 

Lastly, we've found that mentioning BPD as a diagnisis, usually triggers worse behavior. BPD is in art a shame-based disorder. Protect yourselves and your precious 3 month old GD as you can. Let me know if this is helpful. I know it's a huge amount of info, so ask whatever questions you have.



Turkish

[HappyChappy]

Hi Rene,

I'm so sorry to hear about your ordeal and I hope you GC, DIL and son are all OK.

It is rare that someone with BPD would admit to having this condition. However, if someone does admit to a problem, then there have been success stories, there is treatment available.  Especially if the person is young (i.e. in their 20’s). If Therapist are not taking her on, this is probably because they’re not trained in this specialism. I would eco Turks point about not accusing someone of BPD, but more encouraging them to see a Therapist (who knows about this). Often BPD is co morbid with other issues (e.g. ADD or PTSD).

It really is a specialism, so don’t take it personally that most Therapists aren’t equipped for this.  If your son is aware of BPD and well informed, this should help. There are techniques on this website that point out how to get the best from someone with BPD, by avoiding their triggers. The fact you've come to this website does bode well, as your support I'm sure will be imporant to them. I wish your son, his partner and you GC the very best.