Whirlwind of craziness - please help me not fall for it again

[BaconPancakes]

My ex and I "officially" broke up and went no contact mid-November; a few weeks ago they reached out, we swapped a few texts, met for brunch and then have slowly and very stiltedly maintained contact. We slept together, but have not been in constant communication like before, which has been both hard and good.

I obviously want this person in my life - if I didn't I would never have responded to them after the two months of no contact.

After reading Walking on Eggshells and learning a lot about codependency, I feel like I'm in a better place than before. That doesn't mean when they say hurtful things it doesn't hurt, I can just... .realize what is happening, and adjust accordingly.

Part of me doesn't even want them in my life; and part of me really wants them here. I don't know what to do... .and worry I never will.

I would love support from all of you - I've read this message board for a while, and have really appreciated the community here. I've gone to a CoDa meeting, but find the support here (even if it's not directly for codependency) warmer and better. Thank you!

[VeraTrue]

Sounds like you are feeling a lot of conflict around this... .like there's good and there's bad and you aren't sure which way to go. Tough place to be in. That hope, and that trepidation. I feel you! So maybe help us all understand more of the situation. What happened leading up to or around the break up? How did the worst times feel? Are you willing to feel that way again? What has NC been like? What's the "whirlwind of craziness," specifically?

[Claycrusher]

If you let this pwBPD back in to your life and keep them in it, you're going to get hurt.

Take away the clinical-sounding name, and you're likely left with an impulsive, emotionally retarded, decietful, manipulative person who lacks respect for social and cultural boundaries and has little empathy for your feelings, desires, or welfare.  You are basically a tool to them, albeit an oft-neglected one, and when the day comes when they no longer value your utility as a tool, you will be discarded.  Any sacrafice you will have made on their behalf will be unappreciated and will be for naught in the end.  And there will be an end.  You basically have two choices: 1) End on your terms, or; 2) Stick around with them, let them emotionally, mentally, and perhaps even physically drain you, to have them end your relationship on their terms -terms highly unlikely to be favorable to you in any way, shape, or form.

Let me challenge you with a question:  Would you actively seek and maintain a plutonic friendship with an impulsive, emotionally retarded, decietful, manipulative person who lacks respect for social and cultural boundaries and has little empathy for your feelings, desires, or welfare?

The answer that a psychologically whole adult would likely give to that question is "No" and they wouldn't screw around wasting time in answering it that way.

"A**hole" has a clinical-sounding name.  But branding it with the clinical-sounding name of Borderline Personality Disorder doesn't change the fact that pwBPD know the difference between right and wrong; know they're lying when they tell a lie; know they're being manipulative when they attempt to manipulate.  Giving that kind of behavior a clinical-sounding name doesn't obligate me to tolerate it or even sympathize with those who engage in it.  Toleration of the behavior and sympathy for the one engaged in it are free-will choices.  :)isordered people might need love, too, but so do "Nons" and disordered people aren't capable of providing psychologically whole adult love.  Healthy interpersonal relationships are based on things like mutual trust and interests, with compassion for the feelings and welfare of others added in to the mix.  Can you trust a liar. and should you?  Can "mutual interest" really exist when one party of a relationship fundamentally doesn't care about the feelings, needs, desires, or welfare of anyone but themselves?  Can compassion exist in the absence of empathy?

You didn't give BPD to anyone.  You can't take it away from someone.  You can't cure it.  But you CAN and likely WILL be emotionally, mentally, and even physically injured by exposing yourself to it.

[Rmbrworst]

If you do get involved again, dont expect it to last forever, and dont expect you'll be treated any better.

I know full well if I got involved w/ my exBPD again, that I would have to be completely detached emotionally, and I was just use him for the company and move on when I felt like it. 

I know that sounds SO CRUEL, but that's what they've done to us, and many aren't willing to work on themselves and many dont even think they have a real problem.

Anyway, overall, from the tone of your message, you are not completely over your exBPD and there are still intense feelings happening on your part.  Personally, I recommend not engaging in any interaction with your exBPD until you can really see clearly, and you can set up boundaries for yourself.  Unfortunately, I am not sure that having a long lasting relationship with this type of personality is worthwhile, and it's definitely not fulfilling for a nonBPD person.

[VeraTrue]

You've read up on relationship recycling, right?

[Infern0]

If you are codependent it takes a fair amount of work to recover from it and build a self, this makes being involved with a BPD really difficult and confusing because you haven't developed your boundaries yet and everything is a work in progress. Its why NC for a substantial period of time is best in my opinion. After say 12 months if contact was reestablished you'll be in a much better position.

I think if you want to keep them in your life you have to keep the focus off them and on you as much as is possible.

Think about your wants, and needs and if the BPD is coming to the party, if they aren't, don't engage.

You can't afford to become enmeshed, your mind is now aware of that but your heart hasn't caught up yet, it will be tough

[JaneStorm]

I am binge watching a series from Showtime called Penny Dreadful. This particular clip from the Season 1 Finale describes exactly how I had to break out of my whirlwind of craziness.

https://youtu.be/8t7vdgrJ5U4?t=4s

Hang in there, we are here for you!

JS

[kc sunshine]

I have to say, even though I love my ex and all the good things about her, the below was true for me in our breakup. It was brutal.

If you let this pwBPD back in to your life and keep them in it, you're going to get hurt.

you will be discarded.  Any sacrafice you will have made on their behalf will be unappreciated and will be for naught in the end.  And there will be an end.  You basically have two choices: 1) End on your terms, or; 2) Stick around with them, let them emotionally, mentally, and perhaps even physically drain you, to have them end your relationship on their terms -terms highly unlikely to be favorable to you in any way, shape, or form.

[Driver]

My ex and I "officially" broke up and went no contact mid-November; a few weeks ago they reached out, we swapped a few texts, met for brunch and then have slowly and very stiltedly maintained contact. We slept together, but have not been in constant communication like before, which has been both hard and good.

I obviously want this person in my life - if I didn't I would never have responded to them after the two months of no contact.

After reading Walking on Eggshells and learning a lot about codependency, I feel like I'm in a better place than before. That doesn't mean when they say hurtful things it doesn't hurt, I can just... .realize what is happening, and adjust accordingly.

Part of me doesn't even want them in my life; and part of me really wants them here. I don't know what to do... .and worry I never will.

I would love support from all of you - I've read this message board for a while, and have really appreciated the community here. I've gone to a CoDa meeting, but find the support here (even if it's not directly for codependency) warmer and better. Thank you!

Hi BaconPancakes

Try this:

-Option one, you are single and in complete NC with your pwBPD. How do you see yourself in 5 years time from now?

-Option two, you are involved in a relationship with pwBPD (and you know it's gonna be a roller-coaster one no matter what). How do you see yourself in 5 years time from now?

Which of the two situations would you prefer to live with?

[VeraTrue]

What Driver said... .that's good. I think I'll be working with that one today to work out my feelings of non-closure. NC 1 year, still so angry and so so so hurt to reckon with the truth that everything was beyond a complete lie, it was a fabrication of a reality that suited her needs, until she was done using me and simply discarded me. Same old story that pretty much all of us have. But I don't want her back, not ever. I'm extremely grounded in that.

Bacon, I believe it's important for us to be able to project ourselves into the future, as the above quote suggests, and to think about how our future selves are counting on us to make good decisions for them. We deserve happy lives, built on the basis of long-term thinking, not on a series of short-term reactions to transitory pain that feels so very big. It's just big right now. That's the trap. Eventually, it won't be big anymore but only if we let it go.

[Driver]

What Driver said... .that's good. I think I'll be working with that one today to work out my feelings of non-closure. NC 1 year, still so angry and so so so hurt to reckon with the truth that everything was beyond a complete lie, it was a fabrication of a reality that suited her needs, until she was done using me and simply discarded me. Same old story that pretty much all of us have. But I don't want her back, not ever. I'm extremely grounded in that.

Bacon, I believe it's important for us to be able to project ourselves into the future, as the above quote suggests, and to think about how our future selves are counting on us to make good decisions for them. We deserve happy lives, built on the basis of long-term thinking, not on a series of short-term reactions to transitory pain that feels so very big. It's just big right now. That's the trap. Eventually, it won't be big anymore but only if we let it go.

Thanks Vera,

I'm myself into this too. I try to maintain NC. It's been two-three years now. And I think that it is important to have goals in the future if we want to overcome the situation in which we are stuck today. In order to achieve the goal, needless to say that it is in the present that we should take action. There is no other way round. Goals are important.

[bdyw8]

Hey Baconpancakes, glad you're here.  I have massive codependency issues myself.  I've been trying the past few months to un-tangle myself from my exBPD.  

I'm realizing that as a codependent person, I was ripe for the picking for a pwBPD as I have a high tolerance for abuse and once I fall in love with someone, I enmesh myself with them to the point where being without them becomes so excruciating of a thought that I would never leave.

Because of this, my exBPD and I were on a torrid cycle of destructive behaviour for the last two years of a four year relationship.  She would abuse me in the typical BPD ways and as a codependent I would keep coming back to her desperate and pleading and begging for her to return the person I fell in love with during the idealization stage.  But the more I begged and pleaded, the more she pushed me away which made me try even harder.  On and on and on it went until the 3 or 4 times where I decided to stop and end things and tried NC.  When I did this, it would trigger her abandonment and she would do and SAY ANYTHING to get me back at her beck and call.  

I gave in each time and we spiralled downward until I almost committed suicide on 3 occasions.  Because my mind just couldn't comprehend how someone could play emotional and psychological mind games - I wanted to believe her so badly but I've now realized these patterns are typical thanks to the sharing of people on this site.

I for one, don't want to commit suicide and leave my children without a father.  So I realize that I have to be away from this person and work on myself.  Why I kept going back was because, as a codependent, I got something from her that I needed because I couldn't give it to myself.  That is self esteem, self worth, etc.  I have a low opinion of myself and she knew that.  She knew I craved that from her and she would give me affirmations and then take them away from me like a person would give treats to or punish a dog.

So not only do I need to stay away from my exBPD now, but I need to work on me and work on finding belief in myself that I am a good person and I'm worthy of a good life and of healthy love.  It's SO FRICKING SCARY to be on my own for the first time in my 39 years of this life.  And everyday I want to cave in and go running back to her.  But I truly do want to grow up finally and believe in myself for the first time so that I can stop relying on people to rescue me and validate me.  I need to find the strength to do this for myself.  I hope you can too.  Cheers  

[JaneStorm]

I gave in each time and we spiralled downward until I almost committed suicide on 3 occasions.  Because my mind just couldn't comprehend how someone could play emotional and psychological mind games - I wanted to believe her so badly but I've now realized these patterns are typical thanks to the sharing of people on this site.

Wow, bdyw8, this really resonated with me; I had nearly blocked it out. There was a period of about 3 months where my chest/heart would ache so badly that a fleeting dark thought would slip in, now and again: "If I just put a bullet right here (I would push on my chest over my heart), this aching would stop... ." All because I could not detach and see the situation for what it was. My adult sons would have been devastated. I kept pushing the dark thought out with that fact.

Nobody is worth our life, soul, or happiness. If we give those up, they will cast it off and continue their path to the next one with the fallen being yet another self-pitying tag line to hook the next sucker. 

[bdyw8]

Thanks for those words JaneStorm.  You're right it's not worth it but man, I still have so much trouble accepting the fact that someone could say the nicest things in the beginning and then end up treating me totally different in the end.  It eroded my self esteem down to the point where I didn't feel worthwhile to anyone.  But you are right, my kids deserve better and heck, I deserve better too.

[JaneStorm]

Thanks for those words JaneStorm.  You're right it's not worth it but man, I still have so much trouble accepting the fact that someone could say the nicest things in the beginning and then end up treating me totally different in the end.  It eroded my self esteem down to the point where I didn't feel worthwhile to anyone.  But you are right, my kids deserve better and heck, I deserve better too.

When all else fails and the darkness is creeping into mind, remember the kids. They are the ONLY thing, outside of ourSelves that we should be concerned with.

It is our Duty and our Honor, to not only protect them physically, but mentally, and spiritually as well.

They learn by watching (even in their 20s... .) so it is on us to show them our own Self-worth so that they may find their own; thereby, avoiding these situations in their own lives.

I use them like garlic against a vampire.   

[bdyw8]

They learn by watching (even in their 20s... .) so it is on us to show them our own Self-worth so that they may find their own; thereby, avoiding these situations in their own lives.

Isn't that the truth.  I saw my exBPD display some pretty rotten behaviour in front of her kids and I felt extremely sad for them.  I have made mistakes too but I know that I want my kids to grow up learning about healthy relationships and having respect for themselves and for others too.  My kids are 8 and 6 only, but they already are aware of such things.  They miss her terribly and her kids as well but I just reinforce to them that it was not a healthy relationship.  We pray for her and her kids and even though they see me angry about things at times, I tell them I'm trying to forgive her and let her go with love. 

[kentavr3]

Be happy, that you are not married and don’t have kids. I went through 2 cycles during 10 years marriage and 11 years of relationship. She left already a second time. Divorce, custody selling lovely house will happened. You don’t have all of this? Run from this relationship! Date! Travel! I’m codependent.  It is a hell labyrinth to be with BPD. In the end you can’t and you don’t want to leave.

[bdyw8]

Hey Kentavr3, I feel for you indeed.  I went through a divorce before meeting my exBPD and I guess I thank God I didn't have my kids with her, because my ex-wife and I get along pretty decent now and in retrospect she's a lot more sane than my exBPD that's for sure.  So co-parenting with her has been much easier than I could imagine with a pwBPD.

That said, I'm still struggling to let go of her.  When we reconciled for two weeks over christmas I told her I wanted to get her pregnant, etc.  Good thing she had an operation after having her kids years ago or I'd be even more entangled!  All the best to you in your recovery as well... .

[kentavr3]

Let me share how I started my baby steps with relationships with my parents. I read a lot literature regarding BPD. But, anyway I had to turn a mirror toward myself. I’m codependent. Very heavy codependent. I understood about detachment and saying and making assertive relationship with my parents who divorced long time ago.

I keep preventing my mom from intruding to my life. When she visits me I put strong rules of my house. She can do only what I asked. She tries to do what she wants, but I stop it. I can’t take care of myself only. She can’t take care of my anymore. She can take care about herself only. I’m absolutely detached from her hysterics. She uses FOG. I started notice it. I don’t react on this anymore. I don’t accept anymore her complains that my father was Narcisse and she couldn’t leave good. It was her choice.

Father. This is who abused me from childhood. Full physical and emotional detachment. People around blame me that he is 80 years and die soon and I can’t ne so strict to him. This is FOG. I’m not guilty that he is 80 years old. I don’t want to hear his criticism anymore. For the beginning he criticized me for this behavioral. I used a method by questioning him : “DO YOU FEEL BETTER WHEN YOU THINK THAT I’m BAD?” he didn’t know what to answer. His answer was “no”. NO? WHY THEN YOU CRITICIZE ME?. If answer yes, “YOU NEED NO SEE A THERAPIST”.WE call each other on birthdays only. He doesn’t interesting in me. I don’t interesting in his business.

I went with a second cycle with my BPDw. She left me. 4 months passed and I haven’t bagged her to return. I see therapist. I go to SLAA meetings. Unfortunately, I started taking antidepressants. I still terribly missing my BPDw. Antidepressants helped me to stay in real facts and take care of myself and my daughter.